The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Dundies

MICHAEL: Tonight is the Dundies, the annual employee awards night here at Dunder Mifflin.
And this is everybody's favorite day.
Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin.
I mean, who's gonna give Kevin an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny.
So I You know, an employee will go home and he'll tell his neighbor, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the neighbor will say, "No, man.
I mean, I slave all day.
"Nobody notices me.
" The next thing you know, the employee smells something terrible coming from the neighbor's house.
The neighbor's hanged himself due to lack of recognition.
So, you ready for the Dundies? (SIGHS) PAM: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you wanna look away, but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
(HOARSELY) Hey, hey, hey! It's Fat Halpert.
What? Fat Halpert.
Jim Halpert.
So, why don't I take you on a tour of past Dundie winners? We got Fat Jim Halpert here.
Jim, why don't you show off your Dundies to the camera? Oh, I can't, because I keep them hidden.
I don't wanna look at them and get cocky.
Oh, that's a good idea.
And mine are at home in a display case above my bed.
Yuck! TMI.
TMI, my friends.
TMI? Too Much Information.
It's just easier to say TMI.
I used to say, "Don't go there," but that's lame.
And here we have Stanley the Manly.
Now, Stanley is a Dundie All-Star.
Aren't you, Stan? Why don't you show them some of your bling? I don't know where they are.
I think I threw them out.
No, you didn't.
I think I did.
Why did Say, we gotta order some more appeteasers this time.
We ran out last year, remember? Yes, we should.
You know what? I wanted one of those skillets of cheese, but when I got off-stage someone had eaten all of them.
To Oscar Martinez, it's the Show Me The Money Award.
Michael has taped every Dundies Awards, and now he's making me look through hours of footage to find highlights.
song that I think we're gonna play for the ladies.
Hit it, Dwight.
(PLAYING FLUTE) A little bit of Pam all night long A little bit of Angela on the thing A little bit of Meredith everywhere This is the part where Kevin sat in front of the camcorder all night.
It's great.
A little bit of Roy eating chicken crispers A little bit of Kim with some ribs A little bit of It was you.
Live and learn.
It wasn't, I swear.
Yeah, it was.
So, what's the joke? You're not perfect, either.
We're not laughing at you, Dwight.
So, who are we laughing at? Just something somebody wrote.
Who, Dave Barry? No, no.
Just something that was written on the ladies' room wall.
What is it? Who wrote it? It's kind of private.
It's about Michael.
(LAUGHING) That is defacement of company property, so you better tell me.
Kelly, if you tell me, you'll be punished less.
Okay, now I'm laughing at you.
(PAM LAUGHING) Will Her Highness Jan Levinson-Gould be descending from her corporate throne this evening to visit us lowly serfs here at Dunder Mifflin, Scranton? JAN: (STUTTERING) It's a two-and-a-half-hour drive from New York, Michael.
Well, you could take the bus, you could work on the way here, sleep on the way home? No.
Come on, Jan, this is important.
I mean, this is validation to my employees here that you and corporate approve of this.
So But we don't approve of this, Michael.
You only have the budget for one office party a year, so we're not paying for this.
Um Could you Are you there? Yeah, I'm here.
I just wanted to talk to you for a second about that.
MICHAEL: What What is I mean, come on, Jan.
What, it's a You're dropping an A-bomb on me here.
Really? I'm dropping an atomic bomb on you? Well, yeah! I mean what is What No, you can't You already had a party on May 5th for no reason.
No reason? It was the 05-05-05 party.
And you also had a luau.
It happens once every billion years.
And you had a luau.
And the Tsunami Relief fundraiser, which somehow lost a lot of money.
Okay, no, that was a fun-raiser.
I don't really understand that.
I think I made that very clear in the flyers.
Okay, well, I don't understand why anyone would have Fun.
a Tsunami fun-raiser, Michael.
Well, I think a lot of people I mean, that just doesn't make sense.
were very affected by the footage.
This is a little character I like to do.
It is loosely based on Karnak, one of Carson's classic characters.
Here we go.
The PLO, the IRA, and the hotdog stand behind the warehouse.
(RIPPING) Name three businesses that have better healthcare plans than Dunder Mifflin.
Here's the problem.
There's no open bar because of Jan.
And it's the reason why comedy clubs have a two-drink minimum.
We'll be fine, but I just wish people were gonna be drunk.
PHYLLIS: Dwight, get out of here! No, no, no What are you doing in the ladies' room? It's not what you think.
No! Why were you in there? What were you doing in there? You are a pervert! I am not.
The Dundie Award for Longest Engagement goes to Pam Beesly.
Pam, everybody! (MICHAEL WHOOPING) When is that girl gonna get married? That's what I have to say.
Ah, Roy's accepting.
MICHAEL: Thank you, Roy.
Are there any words you'd like to say on Pam's behalf? ROY: We'll see you next year.
Hope not.
I'm not changing that.
That's the best one.
No, it's hilarious.
You're right.
I just think, "World's Longest Engagement," we're all expecting it, you know? That's why it's funny.
Every year that Roy and Pam don't get married, it gets funnier.
Well, I'd think if you use the same jokes, it just comes across as lazy.
Oh, "lazy.
" Uh-huh.
Excuse me, everyone.
Can I have your attention, please? I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible.
Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall.
Having a bathroom is a privilege.
It is called a ladies' room for a reason, and if you cannot behave like ladies, well, then you are not going to have a bathroom.
You're taking away our bathroom? We are going to have two men's rooms.
But where would we go? Be prepared to hold it, folks.
From 9:00 a.
M Okay, okay, look PAM: Michael? Yes? Dwight's banning us from our bathroom.
Okay, well, that's ridiculous.
So, just don't I don't have time for this right now.
There needs to be repercussions for people's behavior.
Just don't talk, don't talk Okay, look, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around about the Dundies this year.
How there is no money, and how there is no food, and how the jokes are really bad.
But, what the hell, everybody? I mean, God! The Dundies are about the best in every one of us.
Can't you see that? I mean Okay, we can do better.
So tonight, for the first time, we are inviting all of your friends and family to attend the awards with us.
Yes! MICHAEL: Yeah.
Not bad, right? So let's make this the best Dundies ever.
(CLAPPING) Best Dundies ever.
(SIRENS WAILING) (TRUMPETING) Welcome to the Eighth Annual Dundies Awards.
DWIGHT: Before we get started, a few announcements.
Keep your acceptance speeches short.
I have wrap-it-up music and I am not afraid to use it, Devon.
P PLAYING) (SINGING) The Dundies, how can I explain it? Or would you like to hate it? I'm happy that you all made it You never had to work so hard And feel no one notices You're just a name and number And no one even says hello Card! OSCAR: The Dundies are kind of like a kid's birthday party.
And you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there, but the kid's having a really good time, so you You're kind of there.
That's That's kind of what it's like.
You down with the Dundies? You down with the Dundie The waitress tripped on the cord.
All right, all right.
Joke landed.
So, we are here.
Thank you all for coming to the 2005 Dundie Awards.
I am your host, Michael Scott, and I just wanna tell you, please, please, do not drink and drive.
Because you may hit a bump and spill the drink.
I'll just put these on the group tab.
No, actually, this year no group tab.
We're gonna be doing separate checks.
ROY: What? LONNY: Oh, great.
Is he serious? You said we could bring our families.
I did, and why didn't you, Stanley? I did.
My wife's name is Teri.
Well, I'm looking forward to meeting Teri.
It's this person whose hand I'm holding, Michael.
Shut it.
Speaking of relationships, of all ways, shapes, and forms, I was out on a very, very hot date last night with a girl from HR, Dwight.
Really? We don't have any girls from HR.
No, that For the sake of this story.
And things were getting hot and heavy.
DWIGHT: Yeah? And I was about to take her bra off Yeah? when she had me fill out six hours' worth of paperwork.
Like an AIDS test? No.
So, let's get this party started! Hey, let's go to Poor Richard's.
Yeah, let's get out of here.
Guys, where you going? Pam, the show's just getting started.
(CLEARING THROAT) MICHAEL: And now, to someone who goes Are you staying? Yeah.
Gotta eat somewhere.
MICHAEL: quietly about their job, but always seems to land the biggest accounts.
The Busiest Beaver Award goes to Phyllis Lapin! MICHAEL: Yeah! Way to go, Phyllis.
Nice work, per usual.
This says, "Bushiest Beaver.
" What? I told them "Busiest.
" Idiots.
It's fine.
Well, we can fix it.
We'll fix it up.
You don't have to display that.
Because that's what happens every time He's a jackass.
Every year.
Come on, I'm going to Poor Richard's.
No, I don't wanna go.
I don't want to.
If you would have asked me that, then you would know.
Hello, everybody.
MICHAEL: You know, Michael called Hey.
How are you? I thought you had left.
No, I just I decided to stay.
I'll just get a ride home from Angela.
MICHAEL: I'm going to call Jan Levinson-Gould Oh, good.
I'm just in time for Ping.
of Dunder Mifflin, and me so horny.
Right? You know what I'm talking about.
Can I get a drink? (MICHAEL EXCLAIMING) (YOU SEXY THING PLAYING) This next award goes to somebody who really lights up the office.
Somebody who I think a lot of us cannot keep from checking out.
The Hottest in the Office Award goes to Ryan, the temp! MICHAEL: Yeah! (ALL CLAPPING) You sexy thing Sexy thing, you Here you go.
Hanging and a humming and a huh Come from baby? (WHOOPING) There you go.
There you go.
What am I gonna do with the award? Nothing.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
That's the least of my concerns right now.
And the Tight Ass Award goes to Angela.
Not only because she is everybody's favorite stickler, but because she has a great caboose.
So, come on down.
(LAUGHING) (SLURPING) I think those might be empty.
No, no, 'cause the ice melts, and then it's, like, second drink.
Second drink? The Spicy Curry Award goes to our very own Kelly Kapoor! Get on up here! There you go.
"Spicy Curry.
" What's that mean? Not everything means something.
It's just a joke.
Yeah, but why'd you give it to me? I don't know.
I just This is a bowler.
I know.
It's They didn't have any more businessmen.
Yeah, but everyone else Just sit down, Kelly.
(SIGHING) It's so freaking hot in there.
Now I know what Bob Hope was going through when he performed in Saudi Arabia.
Man! MICHAEL: I got Dwight sucking the funny out of the room.
But, you know, you do what you can do.
He's early with the cue.
I've gotta go.
You have won a tiny Dundie (HOWLING) Sing it, Elton! Hey, thanks, guys.
Hey, where you guys from? We just came from your mama's house.
Are you guys gonna finish that? MICHAEL: All right, yeah.
MAN: Sing another song, dude.
You know what, guys, we're just having a little office party.
So, if you wanna Hey! You know, cool it, guys, really.
MAN: You suck, man.
You suck.
Let's cut it.
(CLEARS THROAT) I had a few more Dundies to give out tonight, but I'm just gonna cut it short and wrap it up, so everybody can enjoy their food.
Thanks for listening, those of you who listened.
(MICHAEL CLEARING THROAT) This last Dundie is for Kevin.
This is the "Don't Go In There After Me" Award.
It's for the time that I went to the bathroom after him and it was really, really smelly.
There you go.
Yay, Kevin! (PAM WHOOPING) For Kevin! For stinking up the bathroom! Yeah.
All right, Kev! (WHOOPING) Hey, I haven't gotten one yet.
Yes, I have not gotten one, either.
JIM: So, keep going.
More Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! ALL: Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! Dundies! All right, all right, all right, all right, okay.
MICHAEL: All right.
We'll keep them rolling.
Okay, this is the Fine Work Award.
This goes to Stanley for all the fine work he did this year.
PAM: For the fine work.
Fine work, Stanley! MICHAEL: You know you did.
Hear, hear! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Well, last year I got Great Work, (LAUGHING) So I don't know what to think about this award.
But at least I didn't get Smelliest Bowel Movement like Kevin.
And this next award is going out to our own little Pam Beesly.
I think we all know what award Pam is gonna be getting this year.
It is the Whitest Sneakers Award, because she always has the whitest tennis shoes on.
Get on down here! Pam Beesley, ladies and gentlemen! Oh, here we go.
I have so many people to thank for this award.
Okay, first off, my Keds, because I couldn't have done it without them.
PAM: Thank you.
Let's give Michael a round of applause for emceeing tonight, because this is a lot harder than it looks.
And also because of Dwight, too.
So, finally, I want to thank God, because God gave me this Dundie and I feel God in this Chili's tonight.
(WHOOPING) Pam Beesley, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you.
Yeah! (SIGHING) (BOTH SIGHING) JIM: What a great year for the Dundies.
We got to see Ping and we learned Michael's true feelings for Ryan, which was touching.
And we heard Michael change the lyrics to a number of classic songs, which, for me, has ruined them for life.
What? I don't know.
What? Oh, my God! You are so drunk.
Did you get that? Please tell me that you got This is all going to be on This woman is having a seizure.
Grab her tongue! Grab her tongue! It's okay, I'm a Sheriff's Deputy.
Well, he's a volunteer.
Don't get into that now.
DWIGHT: We need something to cushion her head.
(SINGING PARODY) Throw pillow, a cushion Okay, I'm gonna use my shirt.
PAM: Get off of me.
DWIGHT: No! MAN: I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to put your clothes on.
People are trying to eat.
I can't.
Was this year's Dundies a success? Well, let me see.
I made Pam laugh so hard that she fell out of her chair and she almost broke her neck.
So I killed, almost.
Oh, my God! I just want to say that this was the best Dundies ever.
(SCREAMING) Careful, careful, careful.
We have a strict policy here not to over-serve.
Apparently, this young woman was sneaking drinks off of other people's tables.
I Xeroxed her driver's license, and she is not welcome at this restaurant chain ever again.
Great work tonight.
Watch your step.
I had to check her pupils to make sure there wasn't a concussion.
Yes, that, too.
But, I mean, with the audio.
Great work.
I feel bad about what I wrote on the bathroom wall.
No, you don't.
Oh, here she is.
Careful, careful, whoa.
All right, easy.
You're almost there.
Hey, can I ask you a question? Shoot.
I just wanted to say thanks.
It's not really a question.
Okay, let's get you home, drunk.
All right.
Good night.
Have a good night.
Thank you, Angela.