The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Fight

Where is my desk? That is weird.
This is not funny.
This is totally unprofessional.
Okay, well, you're the one who lost the desk.
I didn't lose my desk.
Hey, calm down.
Where was the last place you saw it? Okay, who moved my desk? JIM: I think you should retrace your steps.
Okay, I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished.
A little warmer.
There you go.
Back up.
Red hot.
Very hot.
Hi, Dwight.
What sort of discounts are we giving on the 20-Ib.
White bond? Jim, I've given you this information, like, 20 times.
JIM: I know.
(TOILET FLUSHING) It's by the ream? Yeah.
Ream It is now $9.
78, so it's a discount of 7%.
Okay, thank you.
Got to get back to work.
Wash your hands, Kevin.
Oh, let me just check the pricing list.
Hold on one second.
Sensei, hello, it's Sempai.
You know what, let me give you a call right back.
I'm gonna find it and then I'll call you back.
Yes, I just had a question Yes, Sensei.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE) Was that your mom? No, that was my sensei.
Oh, I thought it was your mom.
I am now Sempai, which is Assistant Sensei.
Assistant to the Sensei, that's pretty cool.
Assistant Sensei.
I am a practitioner of Goju-Ryu Karate here in Scranton.
(SHOUTING) SENSEl: Two! Dwight, snap your kick back.
Three! DWIGHT: My sensei, Ira, recently promoted me to purple belt.
And gave me the duties of a sempai.
Not that a lot of people here in America know what a sempai is.
But it's equally as respected as a sensei.
I don't wanna stay until 7:00 again this year.
I don't really have any control over that, Stanley.
Michael tends to procrastinate a bit whenever he has to do work.
Time cards, he has to sign these every Friday.
Purchase orders have to be approved at the end of every month.
And expense reports, all he has to do is initial these at the end of every quarter.
But once a year it all falls on the same Friday.
That's today.
I call it the perfect storm.
(SINGING) I don't wanna work I just wanna bang on this mug all day Did you ask me here for any specific reason? Yes, I did.
Here's the dizzle.
I have a very top-secret mission for you.
I want you to update all the emergency contact information.
Why is that secret? Hello.
Oh, God.
Oh, get away, cretin.
PAM: I put stickers, so you know where to sign.
Yes, thanks, I know where to sign.
It's just that last year you Yeah, well, last year they were out of order, weren't they, Pam? Well, the last pick-up for overnight deliveries is at 7:00.
So you need to have them signed by then, or much earlier.
Chillax, Pam.
Stop Pam-MS-ing.
That's pretty good.
Actually I'm sending Ryan on a top-secret mission.
Tell her what it is.
Updating emergency contacts.
Well, is that really a priority? Is it a priority? Oh, I don't know.
What if there's a tornado, Pam? People's legs are crushed under rubble? Please, would you be so kind as to call my wife? No, I can't, because we don't have any emergency contact information, because Pam said it wasn't a priority.
Think with your head, Pam.
Okay, well, she walks out.
That's the problem with being a boss, is that when you are tough they resent you and when you are cool they walk all over you.
Why don't you give me your contact information to start with? Okay, what's your cell? Larissa Halpert.
What's her address? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Hello? MICHAEL: (IN SHRILL VOICE) Hey, Ryan! This is Michael Jackson calling from Wonderland.
You mean Neverland? This is Tito.
(LAUGHING) What? Calling from Your major and minor lines cross at a ridge.
That sucks.
You're making this up as you go along, aren't you? I am just following the website.
Well, at least I don't have cavities.
Yes, you have very nice teeth.
Who's your emergency contact? (CELL PHONE RINGING) Stacey.
(KNOCKING ON WINDOW) Pick up! Hello? (IN SHRILL VOICE) This is Mike Tyson.
(SNIGGERING) Hey, Dwight? As sempai, do you ever think that there's gonna be a day where humans and robots can peacefully coexist? Impossible.
The way they're programmed You're mocking me.
No, I'm not.
Well, let me offer you a little piece of advice.
I am not afraid to make an example out of you.
Well, that's not advice.
What advice sounds like is this: Don't ever bring your purple belt to work because someone might steal it.
Okay, give that back to me.
Say "please.
" No.
That is not a toy.
Please? Please! Good.
And it absolutely is a toy.
This is not a toy.
This is a message for the entire office.
So that everyone can see that I am capable of physically dominating them.
And this is more of a ying-yang thing.
The "Michael" is all cursives, "Scott" all caps.
Left brain, right brain, or duality of man.
(KNOCKING ON WINDOW) Could you practice on the forms? No women or children, unless provoked.
Warehouse guy, doesn't count.
Could you beat up Michael? Yeah, I don't think that would happen.
Because we're friends.
Because I would kick his ass.
Well, Dwight's a purple belt, so So? I've beat up black belts.
And how did you know they were black belts? They told me after.
See, I used to run with a very tough crowd, street fighter types.
Real, real bad people.
I'm just lucky I got out.
Is your wife still your contact? Ex-wife.
Her last name's Becker now.
You don't need to write "Ex.
" And after that, nobody ever messed with the Damn Rascals ever again.
Sounds tough.
When you're a Jet, you're a Jet all the way, right? You're a jet? Have you signed the expense reports yet? Yes, in theory I have.
I just need to cross some t's and dot some i's.
All right.
I am going to be in my office, if anybody needs me.
(EXCLAIMS) Michael! Oh, wow! Sleeper hold! Bedtime for Bonzo.
(MICHAEL SHUSHING) (MICHAEL EXCLAIMS) You are the weakest link! (YELLS) I'm friends with everybody in this office.
We're all best friends.
I love everybody here.
But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late, and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up.
Just hit me, you'll see.
I can't, 'cause I just got a manicure, so Oh, queer! Eye Queer Eye, that's a good show.
Important show.
Go ahead.
Do it.
Just have Dwight punch you.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that would be kind of worthless because I know a ton of 14-year-old girls who could kick his ass.
You know a ton of 14-year-old girls? What belt are they? Look, Dwight is a wuss.
When we rented Armageddon No.
he cried at the end of it.
He did.
DWIGHT: Michael, I told you.
That was because it was New Year's Eve and it started to snow at exactly midnight.
"Bruce Willis, they're gonna leave him on the asteroid.
" Okay, I'll punch you.
Oh, okay, here we go.
All right, come on.
(EXCLAIMS) (SCREAMS) (GROANING) Did I want to harm Michael? The one man I've been hired to protect? No, I did not.
Are you okay? Yes.
Are you sure you're all right? Yep, yep.
Thank you.
I come from a long line of fighters.
My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew.
World War II veteran, killed 20 men, then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp.
My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life.
Different kind of fight.
Okay, he has to be stopped.
Please, please, please, please, just ask Michael.
I don't know.
(EXCLAIMS) Okay, I'll buy you a bag of chips.
French onion? Obviously.
Why are you spinning around? Okay.
Take this pen, okay, stab me with it.
MICHAEL: Go away.
I just have a quick question.
I haven't signed them, okay? No, it's not that.
I was just wondering, since I'm probably gonna have to stay late, could you ask Dwight to stay late, too, so he can walk me to my car? Come in.
Pam, I hate to break this to you, but Dwight can't stop you from being mugged.
He's just not tough enough.
He's a purple belt, that's really high.
Oh, God, I could beat up Dwight.
That's ridiculous.
I can murder him.
It's just that out there you Oh, is that what they're saying? Yeah, kind of.
Okay, all right.
Where's Dwight? JIM: Kitchen.
DWIGHT: All right.
Here we go.
Wow, that's actually pretty cool, Dwight.
Now, watch.
Let me take you from behind.
What? MICHAEL: Watch out, Kelly, he might sucker punch you.
I didn't sucker punch you, Michael.
No, really? In case you'd remember, I was defending my honor.
Oh, is that it? Like a samurai.
Really? Well, the offer, Dwight, was for one punch, which I absorbed.
I had no idea that there would be a second punch.
So, catch-22.
DWIGHT: Okay, fine.
Tit for tit.
Give it your best shot.
Two punches.
Go! Look, if we were in a bar right now, there would be two punches.
Me punching you and you hitting the floor.
No, I'd block your first punch Yeah? rendering you ineffective.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You know what, you're just lucky that we're at work right now.
What about, uh, Dwight's dojo? No, they just have classes.
No, it's free during the day.
It's fine.
Look I got the key.
Hey, Michael.
Hey, Toby.
Any word on those time cards? I have an idea.
Why don't you leave right now? Why don't you walk away from the room, okay? Fine.
We'll go at lunch.
Pam, make an announcement.
Figure out car pools.
JIM: Well, we're all getting excited to see this fight.
The Albany branch is working right through lunch to prevent downsizing, but Michael, he decided to extend our lunch by an hour so that we could all go down to the dojo and watch him fight Dwight.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! I'm coming.
Fight! Sorry.
I recognize that.
That is Japanese for California Roll.
No, it's not.
I think it is, a guy told me about that.
Actually it's a symbol for eternal discipline.
That is really interesting.
What? Your love line I'm just kidding.
I can't see anything.
Look closer.
Oh, okay.
One point for me.
Tied up.
Oh, you're dead.
What? What are you gonna do? Bring it, Beesley, bring it.
(GRUNTS) Oh, yeah.
Good move.
Not such an ultimate fighter now, huh? (LAUGHING) Hey, put me down.
Put me down! Oh, my God! Hey, put me down! Hey! IRA: Okay, gentlemen, listen up.
After a clean strike to the chest, stomach or kidneys, I will separate you and award a point.
The first person to three wins, all right? Yes, Sensei.
Lot of rules, lot of rules.
On the street, we didn't have any rules.
Maybe one.
No kicks to the groin, home for dinner.
(EXCLAIMS) Hey, what the hell was that? Yes! IRA: Dwight, one point.
No way! Okay! Eat it! All right, that's the way you wanna do it? You wanna play dirty, huh? Okay, game on, man! Sweep the leg.
MICHAEL: Yeah, I'm coming at you, man! (BREATHING QUICKLY) (MICHAEL EXCLAIMS) Okay, purple belt, okay.
I got it.
I got his pants.
That was my pants.
No points for pants.
Dwight, you have No, look.
No, you have something, you have some God, you look like such an idiot! (BOTH SHOUTING) Clean technique, gentlemen.
Come on, do that again! Do that again, I dare you.
(SCREAMING) Okay, break.
Break! No holding! Break.
Oh, you can't see! You can't see! One point, two points, three points! IRA: Break! How many points was that? I win! I win! No, you didn't! No, you Eight points, nine points.
(HAWKING) Stop it! No! Come on, Michael! Open your mouth! No, Michael! You talking to me? You talking to me? Raging Bull.
Oh, I want that footage, I want it.
I need it.
Oh, I have to get back to work.
I have lots of work to Check this out.
Come here.
There he is.
Temp having lunch by the car.
Let us play with him.
This is going to be hilarious.
Oh, we're playing phone tag.
WOMAN ON PHONE: Seven new messages.
First new message.
; MICHAEL: Hi, Ryan.
This is Saddam Hussein.
Next message.
; Hey, Ryan, this is your girlfriend and I'm mad.
My emergency contact is Todd Packer.
Todd F.
Know what the "F" stands for? Fudge? (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Yeah.
Come in.
Oh, hey, Karate Kid.
The Hilary Swank version.
How are you? I need to change my emergency contact information from Michael Scott.
Okay, to what? Just put "The Hospital.
" Contact number, just put 911.
(SCRATCHING) He is such a sore loser.
You heard, obviously, that I mopped the floor with him this afternoon.
You know what, do yourself a favor.
Just leave me as his contact and I will call the hospital.
Cut out the middleman.
(SCRATCHING) Later, Jim.
Later, Kev.
Have a good weekend.
Yeah, you, too.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Yeah? I have the emergency contacts.
Just lay them on a chair.
I'll take it from here.
So, what you up to this weekend? Hanging out with some friends, probably.
Well, if you do anything crazy, give me a shout.
All right, I will see you Monday.
All right.
(SIGHING) Dwight? Michael, did you finish yet? This close.
Dwight, may I speak with you for a minute? I'm busy.
Well, busier, but I'm making the time.
Michael, can't your conversation wait till Monday? We wanna go home.
Well, you don't even have anybody to go home to, Toby, so The shipping place closes in a half hour.
I know, but I have been carrying the load on my back all day.
And if everyone would just chip in a little bit, it might help me out.
What do you say? Let's gang-bang this thing and go home.
Good? Dwight.
This is illegal.
I don't care.
I have been testing you the entire day.
Did you know that? Of course.
And I'm happy to say that you passed.
So, effective immediately, I am promoting you from Assistant to the Regional Manager, to Assistant Regional Manager.
Michael, I don't know I know, I know, I know, I know.
I wouldn't be offering it if I didn't think you could handle it.
I can handle it.
I can.
I know.
(SIGHS) So, I guess, this will just be my office.
No, no, title change only.
I'll have Pam send out a memo.
No, no.
Three month probationary period.
Let's just not tell anybody about this right now.
Just a formality.
But not really.
Michael, I have so much to learn from you.
Yes, you do.
Thank you, Sensei.
And, ditto.
I told Dwight that there is honor in losing, which, as we all know, is completely ridiculous.
But there is, however, honor in making a loser feel better, which is what I just did for Dwight.
Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy.
I want people to be afraid of how much they love me, and I think I proved that today at the dojo.
Typewriter torture! Sensei! Typewriter torture! Stop! Typewriter!