The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Performance Review

You should get one of these.
No, thank you.
Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life.
Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Done.
This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core.
Sorry.
It's all right.
Numerous health benefits, strengthens your back, better performance in sports, more enjoyable sex.
You're not having sex.
Plus, improves your reflexes.
See, I would have caught that.
Okay, you know what, how much is that? It's only 25 bucks.
Wow.
Okay.
(HISSING) Pam, can I see you in my office? PAM: It's performance review day, company-wide.
Last year, my performance review started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were and it ended with him telling me he could bench press 190 pounds.
So, I don't really know what to expect.
Pam, you're trustworthy.
Thank you.
And a woman.
Oh, no.
And I want you to listen to a voicemail from my boss.
(BEEPING) JAN: Michael, it's Jan.
I guess I missed you.
I'll be there this afternoon for performance reviews.
I hope it's understood that that will be our only topic of discussion.
See you soon.
First impressions? Just off the top, I think she'll be here this afternoon.
MICHAEL: My boss is coming in today.
The lovely Jan Levinson-Gould.
Well, no Gould, the Gould has been Divorce.
The awkward part is that this is the first time we'll be seeing each other since Well MICHAEL: It was really nothing.
We just sort of got caught up in the moment.
The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the "understanding with rugged good looks" office manager.
Just, she didn't want it to continue for some reason.
We both didn't.
I didn't want it.
We both didn't want it to continue.
It was not professional.
When people say something's mutual, it never is.
But this was mutual.
JAN: I guess I missed you.
"I guess I missed you.
" So she misses me? She missed you.
But then she goes on to say, "That will be our only topic of discussion.
" That doesn't mean anything.
Those are just words.
I have one idea of what it means.
Okay, yeah.
What? What? Well, I don't think you're gonna be very happy with this.
Oh, great.
All right, well, now I'm in a terrible mood.
Let's do your performance review.
Because she's conflicted.
She has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings for you.
Why That's great news.
That Why would I not like that? Just 'cause that you work together and it might be awkward.
Wow, wow.
All right, let's listen to that again.
JAN: Michael, it's Jan.
I guess I missed you.
Oh, hey.
Listen, Jim, here's a little tip for your performance review.
Okay.
Tell Michael that we should be stocking more of the double-tabbed manila file folders.
We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders.
Oh, yes, we do.
No, we don't.
Yeah, it's a new product.
So, you should just suggest that to him and then he'll be sure to give you a raise.
All right.
Well, I'm not asking for a raise.
I'm gonna actually be asking for a pay decrease.
That is so stupid.
What if he gives it to you? Then I win.
You know what? I am going to zone you out for the rest of today.
Okay.
I need to stay focused.
And I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday, and please don't call me, and we'll see how things go Monday.
(SIGHING) Stupid.
Wait, wait, one thing.
By tomorrow, you mean Saturday, right? Duh! Duh.
Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it's Friday.
And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.
Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Really? Oh, yes.
Let's listen to it again, and this time, really listen to the pauses.
God, Stanley.
That's freaking brilliant.
How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? I'm sorry.
Oh, it's okay.
I did learn it on the streets.
On the ghetto, in fact.
No kidding.
It's all about my bonus.
Michael and Jan definitely made out.
Oh! Maybe more.
Oh, also it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it's Friday.
So, keep that going.
Oh, yay! Good work, Stanley.
Great performance review! Stanley in the house, everybody! (WHOOPING) Angela, your turn.
ANGELA: I actually look forward to performance reviews.
I did the youth beauty pageant circuit and I enjoyed that quite a bit.
I really enjoy being judged.
I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny.
Michael? Yeah? Jan's on the phone for you.
Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year.
Interesting.
Jan is calling me.
Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all.
Yeah? JAN: Michael Jan! Hello.
To what do I owe this pleasure? I'm returning your many calls.
Well, hello to you, too.
Yeah, I was just I just wanted to get some closure on what transpired between us at the meeting we had in the parking lot of the Chili's.
No.
No, we won't be discussing that, Michael.
The only things I wanna talk about during your performance review are your concrete ideas to improve your branch.
Well, surely, this review is a formality because of what happened at our meeting in the parking lot of the Chili's.
The review is anything but a formality, Michael.
And I expect you to forget anything that you think may have happened between us and exhibit completely professional behavior.
Been thinking about you.
Okay, that is an example of completely unprofessional behavior.
I don't see how that's unprofessional.
Michael? Yeah? Are the cameras in there with you, in your office? No.
They are not.
Yes, they are.
(PHONE CLICKING) (DIAL TONE) That's my girlfriend.
I heard they made out and had sex.
I heard they just made out.
That's it.
Well, I heard they made out and had sex.
Don't talk about it.
Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved.
Romances? Pam, I have ideas on a daily basis, I know I do.
I have a clear memory of telling people my ideas.
Is there any chance that you wrote any of my ideas down in a folder, like an idea folder? Sorry.
That's unfortunate.
How about the suggestion box? There's tons of ideas in there.
What suggestion box? The suggestion box that I put out.
And people could put in suggestions anonymously.
Maybe there's prizes.
Oh, yeah, I think I remember that from back when I first started.
Why don't you find it and then tell people to get their No, never mind.
I'll tell them.
Hello? Everybody? Yeah, attention, please.
Jan Levinson's coming very soon and so we're gonna have our weekly suggestion box meeting.
So you can all get in your constructive compliments ASAP.
Don't you mean constructive criticism? What did I say? You said constructive compliments.
That doesn't make any sense.
Well, Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment, so maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions, okay? Hey, Dan, this is Jim.
It is about 11:15 and I wanted to know what you were up to tomorrow, which is the 15th, and that is a Saturday.
Saturday.
So just let me know what you're doing tomorrow, Saturday, for lunch.
Okay, talk to you soon.
JAN: Address this when we meet again.
Okay.
Okay, bye-bye.
Would you please tell Michael that I'm here? PAM: Sure.
Hi, Jan.
How are you? Hi, Michael.
I'm good.
How are you? Good to see you.
Nice to see you.
Okay.
Okay, why don't we just step into my office? We're gonna go in here.
Could we please go into your office? Yeah, right after you.
Apres vous.
(WHISPERING) No calls.
I'll get that.
Oh, thank you.
It's nice to see you.
Nice to see you, too, Michael.
Really? Not like that.
Oh, well You know, Michael, I think I need to make something clear right off the top.
I'm not going to discuss anything with you other than Dunder Mifflin business.
All right.
Period.
Do we understand each other? Absolutely.
I'm a little confused because first it's, like, all kissy-kissy and then it's, like, all regret because, "Oh, I regret that.
"But, wait, I'm still gonna call you.
"But we're just gonna talk business, "and I may come down there and fire you if you don't do your job.
" But what were we talking about when we first kissed? Business.
So, are you still in the middle of the performance reviews then? No, no, no.
I finished all that.
I'm very fast.
I'm not too fast.
Not like, "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
" But I do say, "Thank you, ma'am.
" But I'm not like, "Wham bam.
" Not that there's anything wrong with "wham bam," if it's consensual.
We're talking about office stuff.
Can I ask you a question? No.
This is a business question.
It's nothing personal, I promise.
Fine.
Are you wearing a new perfume today? How is that a business question? Well, you're wearing it at the office, and It I'm sorry, no offense, but it's really sexy.
Please don't smell me, Michael.
Hey, Jim.
Hey.
How's it going? Oh, my God, did you see The Apprentice last night? Of course.
It's on every Thursday night, so how could I miss it? Can you believe who Trump fired? No, that was unbelievable.
Who? Who was it? Who did he fire? You didn't see it? No.
I went out and got drunk with my laser tag team last night.
Crap! Never go out on a Thursday night.
What the hell was I thinking? I don't understand (TELEPHONE RINGING) Hold on.
Sorry.
Yes, Pam.
PAM: Michael, it's time for the suggestion box meeting.
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
I wish you wouldn't interrupt.
You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
I did not, not, not use those words.
I'd like to sit in on that meeting.
Is it happening right now? No, it's in, like, Everyone's waiting in the conference room.
Great.
Very good.
MICHAEL: Why are we here? Because I value your opinions.
Now, I know a lot of you don't think that I read your suggestions, but I do.
I just sift through them every week and I really look and scrutinize to see what you guys are writing.
So, let's just read some of these suckers, okay? All right.
Number one.
"What should we do to prepare for Y2K?" "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?" I thought you read these every week? Well, obviously, this one got stuck in the box.
That happens occasionally.
DWIGHT: It happens occasionally.
And, so One down! Next suggestion.
"We need better outreach for employees fighting depression.
" Okay.
All right, enough with the jokes.
Nobody in here is suffering from depression.
That sounds serious, Michael.
Oh, okay.
Well, yeah? Who wrote it? Tom? Tom.
Then, it is a joke because there's nobody in here named Tom.
Tom? He worked in accounting up until about a year ago.
Tom.
Oh, that guy? That guy was weird.
All right, next suggestion.
Next suggestion.
(MICHAEL GIBBERING) "You need to do something about your B.
O.
" "You need to do something about your B.
O.
" Okay.
Now, I don't know who this suggestion is meant for, but it's more of a personal suggestion.
And it's not an office suggestion.
Far be it from me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody.
Aren't the suggestions meant for you? Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.
O.
, then I would say that that is a very poor choice of words.
Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying.
You were inferring.
Was I, Creed? Okay, well, you know what I am implying is that when we're on an elevator together, I should maybe take the stairs.
Because talk about stank.
Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will.
I just think it's something that we should all be aware of, okay? Now that we've learned this, let's continue.
See, this is good.
We're learning and we're figuring some stuff out.
"You need to do something about your coffee breath.
" Okay, no! "You need to do something" Shut up, shut up, shut up, Dwight.
Okay.
I don't think you people are grasping the concept of the suggestion box.
Sometimes you talk to us real close.
Yeah? Is that hard for you? All right.
Well Well, when you have coffee breath it's hard I'll work on that.
Okay, let's keep going.
DWIGHT: Just keep it going.
Yup.
What do we have here? We have somebody's piece of gum.
Somebody put a piece of gum in there.
This is not a garbage can.
This is the future of our company.
This is not a place for gum, okay? I don't want to have to read these tomorrow.
Yeah.
Who wants to come in on a Saturday? Yeah What? All right.
Next suggestion.
"Next suggestion.
" "Don't" Okay, that's blank.
Don't Just Put it "Don't sleep with your boss.
" Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan? I can't I don't understand why you're so upset.
I can't All right, please sit down.
I'm going to sit over here, you're gonna sit over there.
Why are you Let me ask you this.
Please sit yourself down.
Let me ask you something.
What, Michael? Where did you get your outfit? (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON CD PLAYER) You're gonna give me this raise.
I deserve this raise.
Yes! Yes! Yes! (SCREAMING) The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation.
(SHOUTING) Yes! Why are you gonna give me this raise? Why? Because I'm awesome! I am awesome! I just don't understand why you have to pretend like nothing happened.
Because nothing did, Michael.
I'm not gonna say anything more about it and I would advise that you do the same.
Look Michael.
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry.
I'm interrupting.
Oh, God.
Were you guys making out? No, Dwight.
Come in.
Great.
What do you want, Dwight? I am ready for my performance review.
Okay, great.
Your performance has been adequate.
You may leave.
Goodbye.
Is this how you've been conducting all the reviews, Michael? Do you want to talk now? Good.
Okay, Dwight, leave.
Wait, I would like to discuss my raise.
Why on earth would we give you a raise? That is an excellent question.
Thank you for asking it.
Let me bring up one word.
Dedication.
I have never been late.
Also, I have never missed a day due to illness, even when I had walking pneumonia.
I even come in on holidays.
You do? How do you get in? I have a copy of your key.
That's a serious offense.
That is a serious offense.
Very serious.
As is toying with a man's heart.
Oh, Michael, for God's sakes.
I'd also further like to talk about my merits in the workplace.
Okay, third wheel, why don't you do that? For instance, the time I brought in deer jerky for the whole office.
That was deer? Gross.
Oh, God! DWIGHT: You liked it.
Did not.
Jan, have you ever had deer? No.
It's a delicacy.
And, you know what? It's an aphrodisiac.
So when we're done here, you guys could go over to the Antler Lodge, sample some deer, and talk about my raise.
What do you say, Jan? Okay, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna step outside, collect my thoughts, and I will return in about 10 minutes.
Okay, you just clear your head.
Thank you, Dwight.
Look, I know it's your job, I know you have to ask, but I promise you I'm not gonna discuss it with him, I'm certainly not gonna discuss it with you.
Do you have a light? And in conclusion, I think Lex Luther said it best when he said, "Dad, you have no idea "what I'm capable of.
" That's from Superman? Smallville.
And that is why I feel I deserve this raise.
PAM: Do you think Michael and Jan actually I don't really wanna picture it.
But thank you, Pam.
How do you come back from that? You don't, I don't think, come all the way back, you know.
Especially working together.
No, I mean doing that with Michael.
How do you come back from that as a human being? Yeah.
No, I don't think you can.
I'm heading back to New York.
Alan and I will conduct your performance review over the phone tomorrow.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay? Good.
No, no, no, come I just want to know why.
Michael, now is not the time or the place.
Okay, so you're saying that there is a different time or place that we could have this discussion? No.
I am saying we are never gonna have this conversation.
Well, okay.
What? Never? As in never, ever, ever? Or never as in there's still a chance? Never for me always means never, ever, ever.
I just want to know, from the horse's mouth, what is the dealio? You know, Michael Am I too short? Michael, it has nothing to do with your looks, okay? It's your personality.
I mean, you're obnoxious, and rude, and stupid, and you do have coffee breath, by the way.
And I don't agree about the B.
O.
, but you are very, very inconsiderate.
Really? Really.
You're You're a great guy, okay? I appreciate that, thank you.
And you were very sweet.
And you stayed up with me and talked to me and cried with me, and I appreciate that.
No, I didn't.
I was I don't cry.
But I just am not in a place right now where I'm looking for a relationship.
So, we can still work together, we can still be friends, but (ELEVATOR BELL DINGING) Okay? So my looks have nothing to do with it? Oh, God.
Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now, and it doesn't matter how great a guy I am.
And that is all I needed.
I'm good.
I can go home now.
(PHONE RINGING) Hey, it's 12:20.
Where the hell's Dwight? No idea.
"Never missed a day," my ass.
I'm here! I'm here! I'm here.
It's okay!