The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Secret

Nothing much, what's up with you? I cannot believe I fell for that.
Oh, my gosh! What? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.
Is it me or does it smell like updog in here? What's "updog"? Nothing much, what's up with you? Oh, wow.
I walked right into that.
Oh, that's brilliant.
Hey, Stanley, is that jacket made of updog? I'm on the phone.
(STANLEY CHATTERING) What flavor coffee is that? Updog? What's that? I don't know.
Nothing, what's up with you? Huh? No, damn it.
What does that mean? What does what mean? That thing you just said.
Just forget it.
Dwight! Hey, is it me, or does this place smell like updog? What's "updog"? Gotcha! Oh, God.
Crap.
Nothing.
How are you doing? Good.
How are you doing? Damn it! MICHAEL: Today is spring cleaning day here at Dunder Mifflin.
And yes, I know it's January.
I am not an idiot.
But, if you do your spring cleaning in January, guess what you don't have to do in the spring! Anything.
They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind.
Well, I say an empty desk means an Empty mind.
No, that's not No, that's not what I was gonna say.
Meredith, the men's room.
Make sure you replace the urinal cakes, they're worn down.
Kevin, file drawers.
Angela, kitchen.
Oscar, dusting.
Where is Oscar? He's out sick.
That's unacceptable.
I agree.
It's unacceptable.
What are you guys doing? Michael? Yes? Oscar is out sick.
On a Friday? (PHONE RINGING) Can I do some of the talking? I will do the talking.
Okay, let him know that I'm here.
OSCAR: Hello? What difference does it make whether you're here? Hello? Hi, Oscar, it's Michael.
And Dwight.
Yeah.
Heard you were under the weather? Yeah, I think I came down with the flu.
Really? Oh, that is a shame.
You know it's cleaning day here today.
Could've used some of that famous Hispanic cleaning ethic.
Yeah, I feel terrible about it.
Ask him his symptoms, I'm on WebMD.
What are your symptoms? I have the chills.
I'm feeling nauseous, and my head's killing.
Checks out.
Michael, is there anything you need from me? I'd like to go back to bed.
I need you to go to bed.
I need you to get better.
See you Monday, unless you're still sick.
So have a great long weekend.
I'll just be sleep Okay, first impressions.
He sounded sick.
Which is exactly how you'd want to sound, if you wanted someone to think you were sick.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
Question.
May I investigate? Yeah.
Drop what you're doing.
Make this a priority.
Because an office can't function efficiently unless people are at their desks, doing their jobs.
I bought my veil.
Oh, my God, that is so exciting! Can I be a bridesmaid? Listen, you don't have to answer now, but how are you going to do your hair? Okay, I was thinking about wearing it down.
Kind of like, I don't know, like, loose with big curls? You look like an angel.
I'm seriously gonna cry.
Wowey! Mikey likey! Why don't you wear your hair like that all the time? It's much sexier.
Man, this must be torture for you.
Yeah, on the booze cruise, I told Michael about some feelings I used to have for Pam.
I had just broken up with Katy, and had a couple of drinks, and I confided in the world's worst confidante.
Hey, Michael.
MICHAEL: Hey, Jim-bag! Remember that thing I told you on the booze cruise about Pam? That was personal.
So if we could just keep that between you and me, that would be great.
Really? Who else knows? Nobody.
Wow.
Jim and I are great friends.
We hang out a ton, mostly at work.
But the fact that he told me his secret and no one else says everything about our friendship.
And it is why I intend on keeping that secret for as long as I possibly can.
My lips are sealed.
(SINGING) My lips are sealed Bangles.
All right.
Great.
Thank you.
(SINGING) Can you hear me? They talk about us Telling lies Listen, temp.
I'm conducting a little investigation.
So, I'm no longer gonna be able to head up spring cleaning.
Do you think you can handle it? Yeah, I think I can handle it.
Do you think, or do you know? I think.
Oh, God.
Here.
Hey, what you getting? I'm going with grape.
Good stuff.
Good stuff.
Did you see the game last night? Which game? Any of them.
So, what's the 411? Any updates on the "P" situation? I don't know any P-A-M.
P-A-M.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
No, it's okay, we're talking code.
What is? Listen, Stan, you know, how long does it take for you to pick out a soda? I'm gonna take off, actually.
All right, well, cool.
Still deciding? Peach ice tea.
You're gonna hate it.
Hey, Oscar.
How you doing? Dwight Schrute calling.
Listen, little question for you, buddy.
I called six minutes ago and no one answered.
So, I was wondering if you could explain Oh, I see.
So, sounds like you're too sick to come into work, but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy.
There are several different ways to tell if a perp is lying.
The liar will avoid direct eye contact.
The liar will cover part of his or her face with his hand, especially the mouth.
The liar will perspire.
Unfortunately, I spoke to Oscar on the phone so none of this is useful.
It's grape! Soda! Tony the Tiger.
Yeah.
You don't hear that much anymore.
Not so much.
Okay, what is going on here? Nothing.
Oh, really, nothing? Fact.
You are drinking grape soda, you never drink grape soda.
Fact.
You are talking to Jim, you never talk to Jim.
Fact.
I love grape soda, I always have.
Fact.
Jim and I talk all the time.
We tell each other secrets.
Okay, so what is the secret, Michael? Look, I I had asked Michael if I could head up the Oscar investigation.
And he said that only Dwight was capable of handling such sensitive material.
Is that true? (STAMMERING) I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It is.
Thank you, Michael.
I know you're telling the truth.
Okay.
I can tell.
I won't let you down.
Good.
Thanks.
(SIGHING) Nice.
That was slick.
What are you doing for lunch? I don't know.
I'm probably just gonna eat my ham and cheese sandwich in the break room.
Oh, nonsense, no way.
No.
Why don't I take you out to lunch? My treat.
No.
That's all right.
Thank you, though.
It's I gotta do some cleaning, I should probably stick around here.
Hey, you know what we could do? We could spread out a blanket in the break room, have a little picnic, order some 'za.
Talk about you know who.
Oh, no.
You know what? Let's go out.
That was a good idea.
Let's go out.
I know just the place.
Oh, man.
You should order milk.
Get it? Why do I like Hooters? Well, I will give you two reasons.
The boobs and the hot wings.
Here we go, here we go.
Bogey at 3:00.
Hi.
Hey, I'm Dana, welcome to Hooters.
We're not worthy, we're not worthy! Hello, Dana.
I am Michael and this is Jim.
And we are brothers.
No.
We're not brothers.
I'm his boss, actually, and I treat him well.
I'm taking him out to lunch because I can afford it.
And he can have whatever he wants.
Could I just have the ham and cheese sandwich? DANA: Great.
Thanks.
And for you? Tell me, Dana.
How is your chicken breast? Oh, it's great.
It's served with our world-famous wing sauce.
Sounds yummy.
I will have a chicken breast, hold the chicken.
(LAUGHS) Is that what you really want? No, I'm gonna have the gourmet hot dog.
Great.
Who took all the black ones? That's a communal bowl.
So, how did Oscar sound when he called in? Sick.
Like lots of sniffling, I don't know.
Sniffling, how? How many different ways are there to sniffle? Three.
Okay, it was the second one.
Okay, good, thank you.
That wasn't so hard, now, was it? What do you like best about Pam? Oh, I really don't want to talk about it.
Is it her legs, her boobs, her She's easy to talk to, I guess.
And, uh, she's got a really good sense of humor.
Really? Never gets any of my jokes.
What about you? Her boobs, definitely.
Wow.
That's not what I meant.
DANA: Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
And I understand we have a birthday today! Oh, happy birthday, Jim! DANA: Ready, girls? Front side! (SINGING) You put your front side in You put your front side out You put your front side in And you shake it all about You do the hokey-pokey And you turn yourself around That's what it's all about! Thank you.
Oh, yeah! Thanks.
Thanks, Dana.
Thank you very much! There you go.
Hilarious.
Hey! What did you guys talk about? Just, you know, politics, literature.
I hate you.
Quick Oscar update.
I have conducted interviews with everyone in the office Just go to his house and see if he's sick.
I could have done this investigation in, like, 20 minutes.
Including prep time? Just do it.
RYAN: If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know I had ever been here.
And I'd forget, too.
MICHAEL: Expense this.
Michael, is that a wig? No, it's I wear it like that sometimes.
Is that a wig? No.
This is from Hooters.
Yeah.
It's a business lunch.
Did Toby approve this? No, he did not.
I don't need his permission.
You just got your corporate credit card back.
You really want me to take it away again? (GROANING) It's ridiculous.
They took my card away because I spent 80 bucks at a magic shop.
What they don't understand is that I bought the stuff to impress potential clients, so business related.
Right? I put a cigarette through a freaking quarter, and you know what, Toby, they almost bought from us.
I'm not processing this.
Look, Jim needed a relaxing lunch.
He has been depressed and it has been affecting his productivity.
How is that not work-related? He seems fine to me.
You're not his friend, you don't know.
He is in love with a girl he works with who is engaged, so just cut me some slack.
Please? Pam? Angela, who would you choose? Jim or Roy? It's nobody's business, Phyllis.
Roy.
Jim has got it bad for Pam.
Oh! Which one is Pam? Well, she's Hey, Michael.
So, do you think Jim will try to break up the wedding? You know what, Kevin, Jim is a friend of mine.
So, the only people that this crush really concerns is Jim and Pam, and me.
DWIGHT: As a volunteer sheriff's deputy, I've been doing surveillance for years.
One time, I suspected an ex-girlfriend of mine of cheating on me.
So I tailed her for six nights straight.
Turns out, she was.
With a couple of guys, actually, so Mystery solved.
Jim, why didn't you tell me that you had a crush on Pam? JIM: Well, the cat's out of the bag.
I used to have a crush on Pam, and now I don't.
Riveting.
Yeah.
No, it's not.
Nice.
She's so hot.
Hey! Hey! Did you find anything good in your desk? Uh, coupon for a free sandwich.
Score! Expired in August.
And my cell phone charger from two years ago.
Big day.
Big day.
Hey, listen.
Um I told Michael on the booze cruise It's so stupid.
I told Michael that I had had a crush on you when you first started here.
Oh.
Well, I just thought that I figured you should hear it from me rather than I mean, you know Michael.
Right.
And, seriously, it's totally not a big deal.
Okay? And when I found out that you were engaged, I mean No, I know.
Like, I kind of Like I thought that maybe you did when I first started.
Oh, you did? No, I mean, just 'cause we, like, got along so well.
Oh, yeah.
No, yeah, you saw through me.
Great.
So, are you gonna be, like, totally awkward around me now? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Hope that's okay.
Mmm-hmm.
And, Pam? It was, like, three years ago.
So, I am totally over it.
Cool.
Okay.
Stay low.
This is it.
There he is.
He's been gone for at least two Who is that? Come to papa.
(DWIGHT SNICKERING) Oh, yes.
Let's roll.
I knew it! (CAR APPROACHING) Oh, man! You are so busted! Ice skates, shopping bags? I think I know what's going on here.
You weren't sick at all.
Who is this? This is Dwight Schrute.
Who is this? Gil.
Are you going to tell Michael? How about this.
I don't tell Michael, and in exchange, you owe me one great big, giant favor, redeemable by me at a time and place of my choosing.
Guess what I found out about Oscar tonight.
He was lying about being sick.
Should I have reported Oscar's malfeasance? Probably, but now I know something he doesn't want me to know.
So I can use his malfeasance to establish leverage.
Otherwise, it's just malfeasance, for malfeasance's sake.
JIM: Hey.
I know.
I know, I know.
What happened? I Oh, just I was trying The expense reports And then Toby, you know, he just I know, I just I just hope it I just hope that this doesn't affect our friendship.
It's stupid.
It's so stupid.
Hey, hey.
Listen, man.
You know, it's not a big deal.
Well, okay.
I'm fine.
It's going to be fine.
No, I know, I'm good, I'm good.
It's just Look, it's one day.
Everything's gonna be all right? Yeah.
No big deal.
You good? Yeah, I'm good.
Okay.
Creed, did you organize the menu book? I thought that was more on a volunteer basis.
No.
That was mandatory.
Oh, I thought that was a volunteer thing.
Hey, your schedule for next week.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Look.
About you and Jim.
I No.
No, that's You don't have to I just feel it's my responsibility as your bosslfriend No, it's really, it's okay.
I know that Jim had, like, a crush on me when he first started, but that was a long time ago, so It wasn't that long ago.
It was on the booze cruise.
Jim had a crush on me on the booze cruise or he told you about it on the booze cruise? Okay, shut it, Michael.
I'm done, that's it.
I'm out.
Ready? Yeah.
MICHAEL: People are always coming to me, "Michael, I have a secret.
"You're the only one I trust.
" No thanks, because keeping a secret can only lead to trouble.
Like, I was watching Cinemax last weekend, this movie.
Portrait of a Prostitute, or something.
Secrets of a Call More Secrets of a Call Girl.
And the lead character Shyla is framed for murder, goes on the run, and winds up working at a bordello in Malibu.
I don't I don't wanna live like that.
I like it here.
I don't wanna be Shyla, I like being Michael Scott.