The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - A Benihana Christmas

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas No! Why did you bring that here? Don't worry, she's dead.
Oh, wait.
He's dead.
Dwight? What I accidentally ran over it.
It's a Christmas miracle.
Well, get it out of here.
Relax, okay? And because this is Christmas, I am going to roast this goose and prepare it with a wild rice dressing.
Do we have any cayenne pepper in the kitchen? Merry Christmas, Dwight.
Jim.
Wow.
What do we got here? What does it look like? Dead goose.
And circle gets the square.
All right.
So, can you watch this? I'm gonna get my carving knife out of the trunk.
Oh, Dwight, we talked about this.
No, Toby, this is different.
He's already dead.
Once I brought in a duck to prepare for lunch, and people got upset.
Apparently they got attached to the duck and didn't want to see it killed.
He was already dead, and we Schrutes use every part of the goose.
The meat has a delicious, smoky, rich flavor.
Plus, you can use the molten goose grease, and save it in the refrigerator, thus saving you a trip to the store for a can of expensive goose grease.
Wow.
Win-win.
Exactly.
Thank you, Jim.
I like goose.
And it's already dead.
Is it so crazy if we eat it? That's crazy.
It's crazy.
Dwight, you cannot keep that here.
Okay, that is ridiculous, and totally against the spirit of Christmas.
Come on, Dwight, we went over this, like, for half an hour.
It's Christmas, Toby.
It's a dead animal in our office.
You can't Toby I'm sorry.
Please.
Please.
Clean it in your car.
I would like it off my desk.
Oh, Pam, take a chill pill.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la 'Tis Hey! I would like a nice slice of Christmas Pam.
Side of candied Pams.
And perhaps, some Pam chops Can I help you, Michael? with mint.
I'm looking for the Toy Drive box.
It's behind you.
Okay.
Well, I need to put this bike in there.
I hope it will fit, with all these little knick-knacks.
Wow.
What kind of bike is that? I don't know.
Average kind.
The tires look pretty worn.
Well, that is probably from the test drive.
But the paint's chipping.
Is that your old bike, Michael? No.
Yo, Michael.
Sweet ride, Mike.
Oh, thanks.
Yes? Michael? Oh, Pam, that is so sweet.
You didn't have to do that.
I didn't.
It's from corporate.
Okay.
Did everybody get one of these? Yep.
Terrific.
Good.
This is going to be the best Christmas ever.
My girlfriend, Carole, is coming to our party tonight and I have a little surprise for her.
I've got two tickets to paradise Pack your bags We're leaving day after tomorrow I'm taking her to Sandals, Jamaica, all-inclusive.
All-inclusive.
You know what that means, right? Yeah! I think you're supposed to put a toy in the box, Creed.
And a happy holiday to you.
Carole.
Hi.
Is Michael around here? There she is! A Christmas Carole.
Hello.
You're about five hours early to the party.
Oh, you're such a blonde.
Michael Hey, everybody? I don't know who you haven't met yet, but I think this is one of them.
This is my girlfriend, Carole.
This is just the front of her.
Show them the other side.
What? Turn around.
Turn around.
Come on.
Get out of here! No, you get out of here.
Michael? Yes.
If I may say, she's even prettier than you described her.
Oh, ouch! Michael, I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you described her.
Thank you.
I really need a moment alone with you.
Not as much as I need a moment alone with you.
What is this? That is my Christmas card.
It's a picture of you and me and your kids on a ski trip, having a blast.
"Ski-eason's Greetings.
" No.
See, we never went on a ski trip.
I know.
I know.
I went on a ski trip Right.
two years ago with my kids and my ex-husband.
Yes, but what you didn't realize at the time was that I was with you, in a sense.
I was in your heart Michael and next to your kids.
What? This is so weird.
I don't understand.
It's a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father.
But then again, Michael's a bold guy.
Is "bold" the right word? I think you're a really sweet guy.
Okay.
But I don't know how to deal with this thing, and the proposal, and I don't think things are gonna work out with us.
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay.
Okay.
You know what? You're not thinking straight.
You know what you need? You need to think this through in "Jamaica's largest freshwater pool!" What are you talking about? I got us tickets to Sandals, Jamaica.
We leave day after tomorrow.
You had better find the skimpiest bikini there is.
Michael And it's all-inclusive.
Michael Yes.
I'm sorry.
No Carole? You walk out that door and it is over.
I know.
Jim? Hey.
Hey.
I need to give you your Christmas gift now, because Well, I'll just tell you.
What? For the past few months, I've been sending Dwight letters from the CIA.
Are you serious? They're considering him for a top-secret mission.
There's his application.
Oh, and this is where I made him list every secret he promised he'd never, ever tell.
"Last year, my boss, Michael Scott, took a day off "because he said he had pneumonia, "but, really, he was leaving early to go to magic camp.
" Wow.
So, here's the gift.
You get to decide what his top-secret mission is.
Sorry I didn't wrap it.
You know what? I really don't think I should be doing this stuff anymore, though.
No, just because of the promotion.
Oh, yeah.
Just feels a little bit like No, I get it.
Of course.
Okay.
I feel like there's a chance for me to start over.
And if I fall back into the same kind of things I used to do, then what am I doing? I'd like everybody's attention.
Christmas is canceled.
You can't cancel a holiday.
Keep it up, Stanley, and you'll lose New Year's.
What does that mean? Jim, take New Year's away from Stanley.
Michael, what's going on? Carole and I split up.
Amicably.
And I just don't think it would be appropriate to celebrate under the circumstances.
Will they still air Rudolph? That's not fair! Are we going to cancel Hanukkah as well? Fine! Have your party.
Just no guests.
But we invited guests.
Well, you know what, Phyllis? All of your guests would have probably canceled at the last minute anyway, leaving your life a stupid, rotten mess.
So.
Okay.
It hurts.
I know.
It hurts my heart.
It hurts my stomach.
It hurts my arms.
Okay, well, why are you laying like that? Thanks.
How did you push away the bad thoughts? Like what? Like maybe, the real reason they left was because there were things they wanted you to do in bed that were What foreign and scary? I I don't really And not that you didn't want to try them.
Some wine might have helped.
Do you know what I'm referring to? I don't need to know.
Michael? Yeah? Sorry to interrupt.
It appears we're one bathrobe short.
Take it from Toby.
Copy.
Pam, would you like to go to Sandals, Jamaica with me? It's all Okay.
No, thank you.
Hey, Dwight.
Pretty nice robes.
I Why? Phyllis, I need you to pick up green streamers at lunch.
I thought you said green was whorish.
No.
Orange is whorish.
So, I had a couple of ideas to make the Stamford people feel more at home.
Each year we have a Christmas raffle Okay.
It would never work here.
Okay.
Another idea was karaoke.
No.
A Christmas drinking game.
Yes! God help you.
What? These are all terrible ideas.
And none of them are on the theme of a Nutcracker Christmas.
I think you should leave.
You're kidding.
You tried this out, and it's clearly not for you.
It's time to go.
Come on.
Please? Thank you.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
You touched my heart you touched my soul You changed my life and all my goals I know you well I know your smell What are you doing? We're getting rid of everything that reminds you of Carole.
Hey, what's the haps? Carole? Oh, look at this.
Your old condo closing papers.
It's riddled with Carole's name.
I wish I could throw this in the box.
You have been the one for me Why don't you just buy the whole song? I don't have to buy it.
I just want to taste it.
I just want I just want a little taste of it.
Look at this, she saved you $2,000 because they failed to report a mold problem.
But wouldn't that affect the final How did she Oh, I see what she did.
That is good.
Wow.
That Carole is one smart cookie.
Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend You have been the one You have been the one for me You touched my heart, you touched my soul This is an old adage.
But they say that when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours.
With Carole, I knew within the first 24 minutes of the second day I met her.
I feel like I've been kind of cold to Karen.
And there's no real reason for it.
I mean, it's not like she's ever done anything to me.
So, I think I probably shouldn't be cold to her.
Hey, Karen, sorry about that meeting today.
That was really crazy.
Yeah, right? I'm so glad you said that.
Because I don't know how those meetings usually go.
Usually like that.
Does anyone ever stand up to Angela? Or I think one of her cats did once.
She came in with scratches all over her face.
Right.
I really liked your karaoke idea.
Oh, cool, yeah.
That could really be fun.
You guys do a raffle? Thank you.
Yeah, we do a raffle.
Hey, Kev.
Hey.
This should have been up yesterday.
It'll be all right.
What is that? "The Committee to Plan Parties invites you "to a Margarita - Karaoke-Christmas"? There's no such thing as the Committee to Plan Parties! There is now.
We just started it.
Well, you can't just start a committee.
You have to have funding.
What's your funding? Two hundred dollars.
What's ours again? Two hundred and one dollars.
Right.
Hey, a margarita-karaoke- Christmas party.
That sounds like fun.
No.
That is not a party.
There is only one party, and it's hosted by the Party Planning Committee, and it starts at 3:00.
Then why are there two flyers? I understand that this is confusing for everyone.
Let me explain.
There's a party that starts at 3:00 Right.
and then there's a way more fun party that starts at 2:45.
Right, and if you're interested in the way-more-fun party, all the info can be found here, on our more brightly colored flyer.
I didn't see where it was.
Yep, looks like the Scranton people and the Stamford people are finally coming together.
And that's what you want, right? I think that's really Pam and Karen, I am ordering you to cease and desist all party planning immediately.
You can't do that.
As ranking number three in this office, I am order I'm number three.
You're number four.
Yeah, but I'm number three.
No.
You must turn over to me all Christmas decorations and party paraphernalia immediately.
They will be returned to you on January 4.
Okay, I think I can help here.
Okay, good.
As ranking number two, I am starting a committee to determine the validity of the two committees, and I am the sole member.
The committee will act on this now.
Okay, this is stupid.
Could you please keep it down? I'm in session.
I have determined that this committee is valid.
What? No! Yeah! No! Wait! Wait, wait, wait.
Permission to join the Validity Committee.
Permission denied.
Damn it.
Hey.
I can't concentrate when I know you're in pain, man.
Let me take you to lunch.
Come on! My treat.
All right.
Nothing here to distract myself with anyway.
That's my boy.
I know the perfect place, too.
Hooters? No.
Benihana.
Much classier.
But don't worry, the babes are totally hot, too.
I need my entourage.
Jim! Dwight! Ryan.
Come on.
We're going to Asian Hooters.
Oh, man, I can't.
Why not? I'm not feeling so well.
I got a ton of work to do here.
MSG allergy, peanut allergy.
I just ate there last night.
All right.
Feel better.
Thanks.
Come on, Jim, let's go.
Okay.
Wow! Thanks for taking all the excuses, dude.
Doctor appointment.
Car trouble.
Planter warts.
Granddad fought in World War II.
Use your head, man.
I keep mine in here.
Look alive, Halpert.
Welcome back.
Bros before hos.
Why? Because your bros are always there for you.
They have got your back after your ho rips your heart out for no good reason.
And you were nothing but great to your ho, and you told her that she was the only ho for you, and that she was better than all the other hos in the world.
And then Then suddenly she's not your ho no mo'! So she looks really hot, so I said, "You look hotter than usual today.
" Thank you.
Michael? Head of the table.
May I? Actually, sir, I'm going to need to take this chair, so Dwight, just leave him.
Leave them alone, please.
They are on a date.
They look very happy.
So she looks at me, right, and she goes, "I'm sorry.
Do I even know you?" After a year! A year of buying lattes from her.
Do you believe that? Yes.
I can't hear what you're saying.
Carole used to drink lattes.
Who're you talking about? She would get this little foam mustache Carole had a mustache? and I used to say, "Hey, got latte?" And she'd say, "That's not funny.
" What are you guys talking about? She totally got me.
She understood that we didn't have to laugh Michael? to enjoy each other.
Michael.
What? Repeat what you said louder! It is my job to be there for Michael.
How can I be there for Michael if I'm here for Michael? I'm already starting to forget what color eyes she had.
I can't Okay, I'm gonna call her.
I am going to call and find out No! Who are you calling? Put it away.
Put that away.
I'm going to call her.
SOS! We Hi.
Mayday! Man down over here.
We need your help.
What can I get for you? I think we'll start with a round of Nagasakis.
One part eggnog, three parts sake.
Some places won't make it for you, though, because eggnog is seasonal.
You should put out salt for the rims.
That's a great idea.
Phyllis? I was just getting a snack.
You can have your snack in here.
Pam, don't tell her what to do.
Phyllis? Okay.
I think I'll go to Angela's party, because that's the party I know.
I miss the days when there was only one party I didn't want to go to.
So, I only use three? If you're using more than three pieces of tape to wrap a present, you're doing it wrong.
Okay.
And where'd you get all those cool bows? Oh, I just get those at any party supply place.
Okay.
Are you sure I can't use, like, the cartoons from the newspaper? Oh, yeah, your mom will love that.
Hey.
Hey.
All right, I'll see you guys later.
Bye.
He's cute.
You should date him.
Yeah, maybe.
Looks like you got a little Nakiri knife action going there.
No, is Usuba.
Yeah, I bet you wish you had a Nakiri, though.
Actually, the Usuba is the better knife when you working with this quantity.
I don't know.
Still think Nakiri's better.
I think he'd know.
Nothing he's doing is cheering me up.
Wait for the onion.
Trust me.
Hey, Cindy, he just had his heart broken.
You wouldn't do that to him, would you? I don't know.
Sure you would! Look at you.
I bet you break up with a guy every hour.
You made her laugh! Yes! She totally digs us.
Watch.
Watch.
Watch.
What did I tell you? You're right.
That's good.
Hello, everyone.
We would just like to announce that our party is starting now in the break room.
So I have a very important announcement to make about your paychecks.
Your paychecks will be arriving, as scheduled, on Friday.
And they will be in the correct amount that they normally are in.
Please stand by for a very important announcement further regarding your paycheck! I need to know if I can start the party.
Michael.
Hey! Over here! Michael! It's I don't know.
No one can hear me.
You know what? Start the party.
Did Michael give you permission to do this? Start the party.
Also, I would like to inform you that, as a special treat, my party will be starting early.
In fact, it will be starting right now.
Our party is also starting now.
Yeah.
All right, Stanley! Good choice! Welcome, Hannah! You will not be disappointed! Why would I be disappointed? I said you wouldn't be disappointed.
Meredith, if you don't come to my party, you will be very, very sorry.
That a threat? No, it's an invitation.
We have vodka! Lots of it.
I hear Angela's party will have double-fudge brownies.
It will also have Angela.
So double-fudge, Angela.
Double-fudge, Angela.
Brownies.
Cupcakes.
Don't push it.
Are we taking this too far? You know what, I don't think we're taking this far enough.
What? I got goosebumps.
I don't back down.
My sister and I used to be best friends, and we haven't talked in 16 years over some disagreement I don't even remember.
So Yeah, I'm pretty good.
Mmm.
Damn, this chicken is good! My compliments to the chef, which is you! Right? Awesome! I need some meat.
I want some steak.
That guy's got steak.
I see steak! Excuse me.
Excuse me.
En garde! It's family style.
No.
It's not.
Cindy! Cindy.
I love steak.
I love it! I want you to close your eyes and imagine your dream house.
Come on! Do it for Michael.
He's had a really long day.
What're you doing? This is great.
Jim! Jim! Okay Cindy, you are so What What's happening? She's asleep.
Narcolepsy.
Probably.
Okay.
Now, open your eyes and describe it to me.
I don't know.
It has four bedrooms and a loft.
Oh, my God! Now she's up.
Yeah.
And she's trying to describe how to correctly butcher a goose.
But she's having trouble coming up with it.
Okay.
Cindy! Yo! Cindy! Cindy! Hold its neck back, insert the knife beneath the jaw, bring it all the way around.
There's gonna be a good amount of blood.
But don't let that bother you.
Have a bucket there for the blood, and the innards, and the feathers.
Oh, no, this is different.
The CIA thing, that was a prank on Dwight.
This is more like a Okay.
It's pretty much the same thing.
What do you think? Fruity, and delicious.
See, I told you.
You want one, Meredith? No, thanks.
They're too sweet.
Hey, so, what's the status? It looks like they forgot the power cord.
What? Oh, you're kidding me! No.
Oh, God.
You guys Guys? I'm sorry, but there's a problem with the karaoke machine.
What? Well, that blows! Hang on, little ladies.
You don't need this thing.
I'll go grab my synthesizer.
All right! Yeah, Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! Darryl! Hi.
Hey.
Hey, look, when you get done with your meeting, you should come to the break room.
We having a party.
Oh, okay.
All right.
See y'all.
These nuts are really hard to crack.
Try harder, then.
No one has seconds until everyone's had some.
You've got to be kidding! You've got to be kidding! Cold, huh? That'll help.
Is it cold in there? They have been checking us out all night! I'm not kidding! You know what we should do? What? We should invite them to the Christmas party.
Now you are thinking! Yes! And you know what? Because you've had such a rough day, you get Cindy.
You are such a mensch, my friend.
Okay! Where is everybody? I would like them to meet my new girlfriend.
I'm sure they'll want to meet her, too.
The least I could do was give some poor sick kid a bike.
That rocks.
Yeah, you rock.
Tell you what, if you want it, it's yours.
Thanks! I wanna give you something.
Oh! That's what she said.
Hello! I would like everybody to meet my new girlfriend.
And my new girlfriend.
Where's Dwight? Is he the hot one or the giant baby? The giant baby.
Wow.
I am so sorry.
I had no idea this party'd be so lame.
There's another party in the break room.
Oh, party in the break room! Let's go! Let's go.
Thank God.
Let's go to the break room! Excuse me! Waitress lady! Hey! Where do you think you're going with that? I thought I could have it.
No, you can't have it! I don't walk into your house and steal your Hello Kitty backpack! Shut it! Come on.
Party.
Hey! It's Angela! Hey We're going to the I want you to know That I'm happy for you I wish nothing but I just think that there are two specific kinds of people in the world.
People who own houses, and people who own condos.
And my question to you is, do you agree? Do I agree about what? "Do you agree about what?" Wow! You're lucky you're so darn cute.
What're you talking about? What are you talking about? And I'm here to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away It's not fair to deny me Of the cross I bear that you gave to me You, you, you, you, you, you, you Oughta know! Nice.
Way to go, Kev! Good work! Yeah! Did you have fun at Benihana's? No! It was awful.
I couldn't hear anything.
I've had the worst day here.
Dwight, you won the raffle.
No way! Yeah! Open it.
Open it.
Do you like it? Walkie-talkies.
Can I talk to you for a second? Yes! Well, the Committee to Plan Parties has served its purpose.
We're gonna disband in the name of Christmas.
In the name of Nutcracker Christmas.
Angela? We've been hearing really great things about your brownies, and we were hoping you'd consider merging the two parties.
I'm not sure.
Does your karaoke machine have Christmas songs? Yeah, but we don't have a power cord.
I may have seen it somewhere.
Is it this one? Yeah, thanks.
We'll go tell everyone.
Okay.
Okay.
And if you want love We'll make it Swim in a big sea of blankets Take all your big plans And break 'em This is bound to take a while your body is a wonderland Your body is a wonderland Your hands Your body is a wonderland I'll use my hands on it Something 'bout the way your hair falls in your face Whatever we deny or embrace For worse or for better We belong, we belong We belong together, Ryan When you know, you just know.
Right? Right.
Check her out.
Which one? My little gal over there? Babelectable.
Which one is she? It's the It's one of those two.
You don't know? Dude, you should know.
Yeah, well, it's been hard.
They're wearing the exact same uniform, and I've been drinking, and, you know how all waitresses look alike.
I honestly don't see what the big deal is.
Stevie Wonder is married.
Are you going to tell me that Stevie Wonder doesn't love his wife just because he's not sure what she looks like? Hey! Where's my girl? Is she in the fridge? Where is she hiding? I don't know where she is! 'Cause I'm drunk.
I can't even find her.
You know where I am.
I do! Hi! I just haven't hugged you in a while.
Good.
That felt good.
Let's go.
Party! Spinning and reeling with love Given the time I might come back down But it feels so good My feet don't touch the ground Well, everybody knows I'm crazy about you Monkey, this is possum.
Do you copy? Copy, possum.
What's your 20? No way.
What a horrible, horrible movie that was.
And now we get to remember it forever.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey! Hey, you! How are you? This party blows, so we're gonna leave.
No, no, no.
Hey, you should stay, because we are having fun, and Cool.
Where do you wanna go? We're just gonna take off.
You know what? I Okay, listen.
I like you.
I really like you.
So much, in fact, that I would like you to accompany me on a trip to Sandals, Jamaica.
Nah, I have school.
Can I help? Okay.
Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas.
Lady, from the moment I saw you Standing all alone You gave all the love that I needed That waitress was the one.
No, she wasn't.
How can you be sure? Well, for starters, I've known you as a couple since the beginning of the relationship, which was approximately three hours ago Don't make fun of me.
You're making fun of me.
Sorry.
I guess I didn't know her very well.
I marked her arm.
You what? I put a mark on her arm so I could tell them apart.
I don't I know.
I know.
I can't believe I gave her my bike.
Yeah.
Why do I feel like crap? You just had a rebound.
I had a rebound.
Yeah.
Which, don't get me wrong, can be a really fun distraction.
But, when it's over, you're left thinking about the girl you really like, the one that broke your heart.
I totally rebounded.
Someone else shoots, and I take the ball and I score.
Well, I guess I didn't really score, and I'm not sure who is actually shooting, but Whatever! Doesn't matter.
It's all good.
Or, as my ex might say, "Domo arigato, Mr.
Scotto!" Little baby Pa rum pum pum pum I am a poor boy, too Pa rum pum pum pum I have no gift to bring Pa rum pum pum pum That's fit to give a king Pa rum pum pum pum Yeah.
Yes, I just wanted to see if you would like to come to Jamaica with me.
There's this resort called Sandals.
Really? Okay.
All right.
I promise you won't be disappointed.
It's all-inclusive.
Shall I play for you? Pa rum pum pum pum Too soon.
I played my drum for Him Pa rum pum pum pum I played my best for Him Pa rum pum pum pum Rum pum pum pum Rum pum pum pum Night, Pam.
Night.
Oh, you know what? Sorry, I forgot to tell you.
I intercepted a transmission earlier, and it seems that the CIA is gonna need Dwight down in their headquarters at Langley for training and an ice cream social with the other agents.
We should get him a bus ticket to make his trip easier.
Oh, no, that would be great.
We should try.
It costs $75.
Well, maybe the CIA could send a helicopter.
"You have been compromised.
Abort mission.
Destroy phone.
" "Destroy phone.
"