The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Back from Vacation

All right, let's get started.
Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing card stock this week.
So, let's push card stock this week.
Also What is this? Tape recorder.
For what? For recording.
Michael is on vacation and he has asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
Karen, any news from that law firm? Yeah, the deal closed yesterday.
It's a six-month commitment.
Oh, my God! Dwight, what are you doing? What? You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
I'm not.
Dwight, you know what, just back off, okay? That's making me uncomfortable.
This is sexual harassment, by the way.
Oh, my God, he's got a knife! I do not have a knife.
Let the record show that Dwight K.
Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck? Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar! Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet.
I am not.
Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in.
Dwight, get his autograph for Michael Jim Carrey did not just walk in, okay? Yes, he Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo? Oh, my God, Karen, you're right.
That is Animal from the Muppet Babies.
You can't see my stomach I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chain saw! Hey, mon! Hey.
You have a bunch of messages and That's nice.
Hannah quit while you were gone.
I guess she memoed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother, and so you might also have to be deposed.
Just relax, okay? Okay.
I'll get to all of it later.
It's kind of serious.
Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it.
Ask me.
How was Jamaica? It was so good! Hey, mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says, "Hey, mon," everybody says, "Hey, mon," back.
Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here.
You know what? It is really good to see you, too.
My bonus check was $100 less than you promised.
Okay, well, payroll is in charge of all of that They said I should talk to you.
Well, I am just getting settled in.
So I'm gonna I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check.
You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers, mon.
You wanna talk about it? Nope.
I still haven't found an apartment yet.
I'm living in a hotel.
Yesterday, I saw a for-rent sign down the street from Jim, and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea.
He said it would be like we were living together in different houses, two blocks away.
Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing.
It's good.
You know, I had never been out of the country before now.
I got to see how Jamaicans live.
It is great.
You know, they just relax, they party all the time.
It's kind of an impoverished country.
You know what, Pam? Make a note.
I want us all to start having piña coladas every day at 3:00.
Well, you can't today.
We're doing inventory.
Inventory's at the end of December.
We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed.
I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it.
Inventory is boring.
In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory.
Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans? Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau.
I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin Warehouse Inventory.
So, Party Planning Committee, get on it.
By the end of the day? That's impossible.
The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible".
Yep, it's English.
It's "impossible".
Michael, there's no way we can do it in time.
How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers.
That's all you need.
Come on in! Settle in.
Settling Settling And settled.
There is something I would like to show everybody.
See this sign? "No shirt.
No shoes.
No problem.
" This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here.
So what if we have to stay late and do inventory? No problem.
Oh, my God.
Is that Jan? What? Where? What? On the left.
No, no, no.
That's Oh, my God No, that's a German woman named Urgle Grue.
Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it could get us both in trouble.
So, officially, I did not see her.
But I did see Jan there in our room at night and in the morning.
And that's all I'm gonna say.
We had sex.
I had sex with her.
I had sex with Jan.
Hey, dude.
I just got back from Jamaica.
Big whoop.
I was in Hotlanta.
That whole town is waxed.
Yeah, that sounds amazing, but you know what? The lady, Jan Levinson, wanted to go to Montego Bay.
You took The Ice Queen? I don't buy it.
Well, I'm looking at a photo, right now, and, I'm telling you, it could be in Maxim.
They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim.
Oh, no? No.
Well, check this out.
I'm sending you some e-mail.
You got it? What? No, I got nothing.
Check it again.
Hit refresh.
Yeah, Mike, still nothing.
Okay, wait a second.
I sent it to you at packer@dundermifflin.
com Packaging@dundermifflin.
com Uh-oh.
I just got it from somebody else.
Wow! This is hot.
Damn! How do I get you out of this picture? Darryl? Hey.
Hi, where's Darryl? He's in the office.
Hey, man, how's it going? All right.
What's up, Mike? That's great.
So did you get an e-mail from me? Yeah.
Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not Packaging.
Did you already forward it to a whole bunch of people? Uh-uh.
Well, did you get the second e-mail that I sent explaining that the first e-mail was a mistake and that you should delete it? Yep.
Have you sent that out to everyone? Mike, I'm very busy down here.
Already sent it to you, my friend.
Call me if she rolls over.
You okay? Yeah.
You sure? Yeah.
I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen.
Oh! You want to talk about it? Really? I have a special assignment for you.
Who's the target? A sensitive e-mail has been released into the office.
It contains a file.
A picture.
The filename is Jamaica Jan Sun Princess.
What's it of? Not important.
Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment.
Okay, then forget it.
Okay, I accept it.
So, I don't know, I just feel like we've been dating a month, right? Same street, I think that might be a little close.
A little bit much.
What? How far away does she live now, like, 10 minutes? Yeah, I guess.
Honestly, I think you should go easy on her.
No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem.
That's what friends do.
I help Phyllis all the time.
Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair.
So, yeah.
Hey, thanks a lot.
Oh, don't worry about it.
I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell, which is what I was doing.
Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan Yeah.
How have we not talked about this already? I mean, what happened there? Kidnapping? Hey, I need to talk to you Not now, not ever.
about you and Jan.
None of your business.
I wish that were true, but it It It seems from that photo that two of you have entered into an intimate relationship.
That photo is my personal property, and if you are telling me that you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops.
Michael, nine different people e - mailed me that photo, including my ex-wife and we don't talk.
Well, this is probably the icebreaker you need.
You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR.
I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you, you skeevy little perv? All right.
If you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it.
No, no.
No, I am not dating Jan.
She was very clear about that.
Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on Earth.
Got enough, weirdo? All right, thanks, Michael.
Okay, we only have three hours, people, to plan a whole luau and you're not helping.
What are the ingredients of poi? I've called every grocery store in Scranton and no one sells whole pigs.
Did you try the petting zoo? Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.
Just a second.
Michael? It's Jan on the phone.
Oh, God! No, no, no.
Hang up.
Hang up.
Tell her I'm not here.
Don't Don't I've ran out of gas.
I hit a deer.
I hit I hit a deer with my car.
I hit a cat.
Tell her I hit a cat.
He'll call you back.
Do you think she bought it? Okay.
Michael hit a deer? Michael! Michael, there's an emergency in the warehouse.
An accident? Is somebody hurt? No, it's It involves the photograph.
Oh, God! No, no, no.
Mike, you're a rock star, man! You are the man! Yeah! Well done! All right.
Hit that corporate booty.
Nice to hit it! Hello! Hi! Attention, everyone.
Apparently, there is an e-mail circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rated picture of me and a woman.
No, Kevin, a woman.
Maybe Jan, maybe Urgle Grue.
My point is that if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it, sight unseen.
Let's be professional, all right? Feelin' Feelin' hot, hot, hot Hey! Hey.
What are you doing out here? Island living, you know.
Jan called.
She's coming in later to talk to you.
Did she say what it's about? That's all she said.
Olé, olé, olé olé, olé, olé Olé, olé, olé olé, olé, olé The people in the party, hot, hot, hot I think you dropped this.
You sure? Definitely.
I have disconnected the office T1 line.
I have ordered that be taken down.
All right.
I've destroyed all printouts from the bathroom.
There are copies in the bathroom? There were a lot of them.
All right.
I think I owe you one.
Sorry? For talking sense into Halpert.
The Days Inn Room 228 was staring to get really depressing.
Yeah, I know, don't worry about it.
I mean, he was being ridiculous.
But thanks, seriously.
Yes! Yes, what'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up.
You see that? This is the greatest night of my life.
Who did this to you? Where is he? What? No.
It's not It's nothing.
It's hot in here.
You don't need to stay here.
I know.
So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh? Hello, everyone.
Hello, Michael.
Hi, Jan.
You look tan.
I was in Scottsdale, visiting my sister.
Yeah? How was it? Very sunny.
Family's important.
I would like to speak with you in your office, please.
Why am I here, Michael? I In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not communicate.
This is neither here nor there.
My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies, and that for once, I should indulge them.
Are you following me? Yes.
I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even Even if it means lowering my expectations or redefining the word itself.
Okay, yeah This is the thing, you know? I am attracted to you.
I don't I don't know why, I But I am, and I need to follow my instincts.
At least, that's what Dr.
Perry thinks.
Who's Dr.
Perry? I This is the point, okay? You're wrong for me.
In In every way.
But I still Well, I find myself wanting to be with you.
And I to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are, as well.
So, thanks for coming by.
Yes I Oh.
Thank you for taking the time.
Well, thanks for coming over.
I appreciate Wait 15 minutes, okay? Then find an excuse and meet me at your condo, okay? Okay.
Jan? You complete me.
Oh, God.
You remember when we were planning our honeymoon, and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico? Yeah.
I was definitely right.
Oh, brother.
What am I gonna do? I'm gonna hang it up at home.
I don't have a lot of art.