The Office (US) s03e21 Episode Script

It's kind of blurry.
That's better.
Question, what kind of bear is best? That's a ridiculous question.
False.
Black bear.
Well, that's debatable.
There are basically two schools of thought.
Fact, bears eat beets.
Oh Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.
Bears do not What is going on? What are you doing? Last week, I was in a drug store and I saw these glasses.
Four dollars.
And it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the ensemble and that's a grand total of $11.
You know what? Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.
So I thank you.
Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! Michael! Oh, that's funny.
Michael! Yes, I understand.
Can I transfer you to customer relations? Absolutely.
I couldn't be more sorry about this I know, I know.
We're all trying to get to the bottom of it.
Yes, I'm upset.
Don't I sound upset? Okay.
It is disgusting.
I totally agree.
Well, we're going to be recalling all of that paper.
We have a crisis.
Apparently, a disgruntled employee at the paper mill decided that it would be funny to put an obscene watermark on our 24-pound cream letter stock.
Five-hundred boxes has gone out with the image of a beloved cartoon duck performing unspeakable acts upon a certain cartoon mouse that a lot of people like.
I've never been a fan.
Everybody in here, stat.
No time to lose.
Cri-man squa, F and C, double-time.
"Cri-man squa"? Crisis management squad.
"F and C, double-time"? Front and center.
Twice as fast as you would normally go.
Any other questions? One more.
Why are you talking like that? To save time, Jim.
Actually, I think you could make the argument that it wastes time.
Yeah, she has a good point.
I mean, for example, with the last thing you said, by the time you explained it Okay, okay, okay it actually took up more time.
You know what? Forget it! Where is Creed? Creed.
Here.
Quality assurance.
Your job.
I really think you screwed the pooch on this one, Creed.
Because of you, the entire company is in jeopardy.
Every week, I'm supposed to take four hours and do a quality spot-check at the paper mill.
And of course the one year I blow it off, this happens.
We have a lot of angry customers out there.
This puts us at threat level midnight.
Accounting, you are on customer service duty today.
That's not really our job.
Midnight, Oscar! Don't worry.
Kelly will be training you first.
Kelly's training us? This day is bananas B- A-N-A-N-A-S This day is bananas B- A-N-A I don't have a headache.
I'm just preparing.
Jim.
Big fire in your house.
Your client, Dunmore High School, sent out their prom invitations on this paper.
Went home to all the kids.
Yeah, I got a call in already.
No, no, no.
Not good enough.
This is a keystone account.
I want you in the school in person.
All right.
I want you to bring a partner.
I'll go.
No, sweet cheeks.
We need somebody who's actually made a sale.
Andy, you go.
William Dolittle at your service, a.
k.
a.
Will Do.
Yeah, I'm definitely going to go alone.
No! No! I need two men on this! That's what she said.
No time! But she did.
No time! Guys! Get on this! Dwight, I want you to be in charge of the press conference.
Yes! You are entering the no-spin zone! We're having a press conference? No, Pam.
The press is just going to find out by themselves.
Not.
Here's the thing, when a company screws up, best thing to do is call a press conference.
Alert the media and then you control the story.
Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you.
That's what happened to O.
J.
I have invited Barbara Allen, one of our oldest clients, to come in here and meet with me for a personal apology.
The press wants a story? I will give them a story.
Oh, did the press ask for a story? Here is your headline, "Scranton Area Paper Company" "Dunder Mifflin Apologizes to Valued Client.
" "Some Companies Still Know How Business is Done.
" Okay? Battle stations, everybody! Let's go! Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Yes.
Hello.
Creed Bratton, quality assurance, Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
I was supposed to meet with one of your floor managers last week for a quality inspection, and he or she wasn't there, and I'm trying to remember who it was.
Who wasn't there last week? Debbie Brown.
And which day was that? Wednesday the 11th.
Perfect.
The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job.
I will do whatever it takes to survive.
Like I did when I was a homeless man.
Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is because you're not good at interacting with people.
But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers.
So give yourselves a round of applause.
I wonder how many phone calls you're missing while you're teaching us to answer calls.
I know, right? Probably a lot.
Can you just tell us what we need to do so we can go? Okay, Angela, I love your enthusiasm! All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say, "Customer service, this is Kelly.
" Except don't say, "Kelly.
" Say your own name.
Or if you're bored, you could just make up a name.
Like, one time, I said I was Bridget Jones And I talked like this for the whole conversation.
Oh! Can I be Australian, mate? Absolutely! Hello, mate! I like ice cream.
I need a boyfriend.
I like ice cream, too, mate! Alligators.
Dingo babies.
Beer me.
What's that? Hand me that water.
I always say, "Beer me.
" Gets a laugh like a quarter of the time.
So how's what's her name? You know her name.
Who? Karen? Yeah.
She's only one of my oldest friends.
How's the apartment hanging? It's fine.
Nice.
Check out this sunshine, man.
Global warming, right? Today was supposed to be really cold I bet.
What about music? You have any music? Yeah, you should have said so.
Give me the beat boys and free my soul I want to get lost in your rock and roll and drift away Give me the beat boys and free my little ol' soul I was thinking more like a CD or A CD? Your call, dude.
My girlfriend made me an awesome mix.
Beer me that disc.
Lord, beer me strength.
So, Tuna, when we get in there, let's do a really good job, okay? Did that really need to be said? Well, not everything a guy says needs to be said.
Sometimes it's just about the music of a conversation.
What the Why is my girlfriend here? Oh, she that teacher in the white? No, she's a part-time frozen yogurt chef.
Which one is she? The one in the green hoodie.
Wow.
I wonder if she's like a guidance counselor or something.
No.
I don't think so.
She's, like, probably a tutor Nope.
She probably teaches No.
There's no Okay, press conference in 45.
Dwight, make sure this place looks nice.
On it.
Okay, Karen, Ryan, Pam, center stage.
Pam, run a comb through your hair.
First rule in roadside beet sales, put the most attractive beets on top.
The ones that make you pull the car over and go, "Wow.
"I need this beet right now.
" Those are the money beets.
Hey.
Look sharp.
Hey.
Hi.
Hello, Dwight Schrute.
Hi.
And you must be from the Washington Post.
Scranton Times.
Chad Lite, Lighter Side of Life.
And breaking corporate news.
And obits.
Oh, dear God.
Okay.
Here are your credentials.
You've been granted level three security clearance.
Don't get too excited.
That's out of 20.
Right this way.
Regional Manager Michael Scott will be addressing the client in the pressroom shortly.
Have a seat.
Can I get you a beverage? Yeah, I'd like a Great.
Oh.
Andy, you know what? We don't have a lot of time, so we should probably Jamie! Andy Oh What are you doing here? Andy? Are you a student here? Oh, yeah.
You never told me you were in high school! This is weird.
I got to go to Spanish.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
I had no idea.
Well, that's not going to hold up in court.
We didn't do anything illegal.
Except knock over a mailbox with her friends.
Sir Yes, you have a valid point Okay.
and I'm sorry.
Yes.
No, I am so sorry.
Really? Dixon City? I have an aunt in Carbondale.
Excuse me? Well, I don't see how that's our fault.
And I've already told you the official position of Dunder Mifflin is apologetic, so I don't know what you want from me.
Okay, first, I just want to say that you are doing so good.
Look, you have so many good qualities, that the one that you might want to work on is apologizing.
When I went over Wednesday for the spot-check, I get a call from Debbie Brown saying she has an emergency dentist appointment.
Emergency dentist appointment? Now I'm told she told her manager she had the flu.
I'm a trusting guy, but I just wish Debbie Brown had been there.
We would've caught this.
Yes.
I'll be sure someone returns your call.
I'm so sorry.
Bye.
Hello, I'm looking for Michael Scott.
Mrs.
Allen is our most important client.
Because every client is our most important client.
Even though she's a pretty unimportant client, really.
And so, with the eyes of the nation upon us, I would like to say that Dunder Mifflin truly regrets this unfortunate incident.
And as a gesture of gratitude for your continued loyalty, Mrs.
Allen, I would like to present you with this novelty check for six months of free paper or You look good in this.
So, let us consider this matter ended.
Well, it isn't ended.
I'm very angry.
I could have lost business.
I know.
I know you are angry and we are truly, truly sorry.
I don't accept your apology.
The watermark was obscene and horrifying.
Well, we are extremely sorry.
I don't accept.
I'll be with you in a moment.
All right.
Who was that guy she was talking to at her locker? Not important because you're not dating her, because it's a felony.
But who was that guy? Probably another high school student.
The issue with the watermark is very serious.
Absolutely.
We teach our students that character counts.
And you should.
You don't teach it well enough.
One of your students is a bitch.
Know what? Andy is having a real rough day today.
I want to take out an ad in your yearbook.
Full page, two words.
"Good luck.
" That's not what I had in mind.
Ask where he's from.
Absolutely.
Where are you from? Ohio? That's nice.
So what do you want? He's upset about the watermark.
Okay, great.
Now, just tell him that it was an unfortunate error and we are doing everything we can do to fix it and that you're sorry.
It was an unfortunate error.
We're fixing it.
And you already got your money back.
And you're sorry.
And the company has already apologized, so you can take that apology or not.
I think he had Tourette's or something! We are going to do everything humanly possible to ensure that this never happens again.
Well, it doesn't help.
Why? Because it already happened to me.
The watermark, it's a one-time thing.
I don't care! It was disgusting.
Cartoon characters having sex? May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Okay.
I grew up on a farm.
I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable.
Goat on chicken.
Chicken on goat.
Couple of chickens doing a goat.
Couple of pigs watching.
Whoever drew this got it exactly right.
What can I do for you? All right.
For starters, I think that you should resign.
Okay.
Well, wasn't really my fault.
The guys at the paper mill You're the head The guy at the paper mill's No, no, no.
You're the head of the company! I'm the head of the company? Yes, and that makes it your responsibility No, I'm a regional manager! and so you should lose your job! No What? Okay.
This is insane.
You can get out of here.
Get out.
That's insane.
Fine.
I will give this to somebody who will appreciate it.
It's non-transferable.
Doesn't matter.
Out please! I'm calling the Better Business Bureau! Yeah, well I'm calling the Ungrateful Biatch Hotline! Did you get all that? Everything.
We've gotta do something.
This is all spinning out of control, Pam.
This is just not It's just the Scranton Times.
No, then Newsweek picks it up and then CNN does a story about it and then YouTube gets a hold of it.
You know what? I really think the whole thing is just going to blow over in like a week or two.
You're right.
It will blow over.
But it's not going to take a week or two.
Do you know what this is for? Yes.
Michael likes me to run the camera when he makes his apology videos.
He says he needs a woman's touch.
Okay, I think that's good.
Hello, I am Michael Scott, regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton.
By now, you're probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner.
Let me tell you something.
Something from the heart.
I am not leaving this office.
It will take a SWAT team to remove me from this office and maybe not even then.
You could never withstand a SWAT team.
That's how devoted I am to this job.
I'm just saying I know.
They would flank you, throw in a concussion grenade.
I understand that, Dwight.
You'd be on the ground Do you think you're taking it a little blind, deaf, dumb.
literally, Dwight? If you wanted to be And now we're wasting tape.
I'm going to have to cut this all out.
Can you say cut Cut.
so I'll know where to Cut.
I'm asking Pam to do it, please.
Cut.
Okay.
Ready? Kevin, what's four plus seven? Eleven.
Yeah, well, you didn't know that when you filled out this payroll form.
Yeah? Well, at least I didn't suck at customer relations.
Oh, yes! Facial.
Yes.
You two are apes.
I expect you to apologize for that, Angela.
I'm sorry that you're both morons! Oh, but you still said, "I'm sorry.
" I called you morons.
Still said it.
Still said it, so Five, four, three There is no way I will resign.
It wouldn't be fair.
Not to the good workers I work with, not to my clients, and especially not to me.
Let's not forget who this whole resigning business is about anyway.
If I could leave you with one thought, remember, it wasn't me.
They're trying to make me an escape goat.
If I am fired, I swear to God, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it.
The F-word.
You have one day.
One day for what? That's They always give an ultimatum.
Okay.
Good? Cut? Cut.
That was your best apology video ever.
I thought so, too.
I got a farewell card for Debbie Brown.
I thought maybe you'd like to sign it.
Maybe throw a couple of bucks in there.
Unfortunately, she's got some children.
I feel terrible about Debbie Brown.
She got fired because of Dwight.
So I thought I'd pass around a goodbye card.
Maybe everyone could put in a couple of bucks to help her through these difficult times.
Why do bad things always happen to the good people? It's tragic.
It is just tragic.
You want music? I don't care.
Come on, man.
Just give it a couple of days.
I think you'll be all right.
Yeah.
You know what? I don't Sweet.
Pam.
Hey, Dwight.
You look really nice today.
I look like an idiot! Hey, Karen.
Hey, Dwight.
Looking sharp.
Yeah, that's 'cause I'm your boyfriend, Jim Halpert.
Hey, Karen.
Wanna get together later and have sexual intercourse 'cause you're my girlfriend? Do you? No.
Okay.
I'm good.
Thanks.
Look at that.
I'm Jim Halpert.
Spot on.
A little comment.