The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Job

David Oh, Michael Are we all set? Isn't our interview tomorrow? Yes.
I just happened to be in the neighborhood.
Thought I'd drop in and say hello.
Just happened to be in midtown Manhattan? Thought I'd catch a show.
In the middle of a workday? No.
You know what, since I'm here, let me ask you a few questions about the job.
How many people are you interviewing? We're only interviewing branch managers and some lower-level company people.
Ah, well, good.
Out of curiosity, are you interviewing anyone who has been here longer than I have or manages more people? I don't think so.
One more question.
When you merged those branches, who did you put in charge? I believe we put you in charge.
Ah, great.
No further questions.
Okay, Michael.
I'm really looking forward to our interview.
And I'm really looking forward to working with you.
I have got it made in the shade.
I know this company.
The other branch managers are total morons.
Hey, Pam, yeah, I forgot what day the interview was.
I drove to New York accidentally.
Be, like, three hours late.
See, I have 600 Yeah, I don't have Hey.
Hey, Kev.
What's different about you? You look worse.
Thank you.
You got a haircut.
It's sexy hot.
Turn around.
Come on.
No, thanks.
Do it! Look at that do! What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna.
From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut.
What is it, Big Haircut? No.
Sorry, I can't hear you, Big Haircut.
What? Karen suggested that I get a haircut for the interview tomorrow, so that I could look presentable and not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless.
I think it looks great.
Thanks, Pam.
After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it.
He just basically said that he missed my friendship, too, and I would always mean a lot to him.
And I understand where he's coming from.
For the record, I am not embarrassed at all.
It needed to be said and I said it and it only took me three years to summon the courage.
So, thank you.
Yeah? You wanted to see me? Yes.
The time has come to name my own replacement.
So Please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K.
But that's my name.
"Dwight, congratulations, a-wipe.
" "Don't screw the pooch.
" Thank you.
All right.
Thank you, Michael.
Thank you so much.
Hey, stop crying.
Thank you.
About the beach It's okay.
We all say things without thinking.
Oh, no.
It's not that.
I've actually been thinking that for a long time and I'm glad I said it.
I just am sorry if it made you feel weird.
Pam is kind of a bitch.
Hey, what if we leave tonight? Grab a bite, get a hotel room, enjoy the city a little bit? I just have so much paperwork to do.
Okay, let's do it.
So I was wondering if Karen and I could get off a few hours early because we wanted to spend the night in the city.
Why, so you can do it? Whoops.
No, well, I was thinking that, actually, we can all leave tomorrow and do a convoy, you know? Convoys are really fun.
Pull up next to each other, give each other the finger.
Moon each other.
We're going to go tonight, but we're going to see you there tomorrow morning, right? All right.
All right.
Your loss.
Wait, how would you moon us if you were driving? Cruise control.
So, Jim, who do you think is hotter, Pam or Karen? Yeah, I'm not going to talk about this now.
Pam is taller.
You sure? Yes.
She has bigger breasts, too.
But I think Karen has a prettier face.
What else? Well, I mean, Pam's face is really pretty, too.
It's a very tough call.
Really tough call.
You know what, why don't you take the rest of the day and figure it out and then come back and tell me what you've got.
Will do.
All right.
Hey, Pam, I've been meaning to say something to you.
I really miss our friendship.
That's very funny.
I've never heard you talk that much.
I thought it was Kelly.
Are you kidding? I would never have done that.
It was Patheticville.
No offense, Pam.
You know what, don't even worry about it.
Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said.
I remember.
I blogged the whole thing.
Check it out.
Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog.
Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top.
I've read some of it.
Even for the Internet, it's pretty shocking.
There they are, the accounting department.
I shall miss your humility and your promptly printed checks.
Do you think it's going to be weird working with Jan in New York? No.
Not at all.
I haven't talked to Jan since we broke up.
And I think if she had something to say, she would have called me.
Maybe you should talk to her before No, no, no, no.
You know what, it's a done deal.
I basically have the job already.
There's nothing she can do to stop it now.
I already sold my condo.
What? Why? I'm sorry that just doesn't make sense.
Why Who gave you that advice? Yeah, Michael, you should never I sell your condo.
I have to buy another place.
But you said you were in debt.
I'm not.
You're not sure that you have the job.
I sold it on eBay.
The buyer was very motivated as was I.
It went for 80% of what I paid.
Sold in record time.
How would you like to spend the night with the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton? No, Dwight, I don't care if that's how they consolidated power in ancient Rome, I'm No, no.
Not Michael.
I'm taking his job.
Not now.
Goodbye, Kelly Kapour.
Jim, Jim, Jim.
Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Oh, hey, Dwight.
I am going to be your new boss.
It is my greatest dream come true.
Welcome to the Hotel Hell.
Check-in time is now.
Checkout time is never.
Does my room have cable? No.
And the sheets are made of fire.
Can I change rooms? Sorry, we're all booked up.
Hell convention in town.
Can I have a late checkout? I'll have to talk to the manager.
You're not the manager? Even in your own fantasy? I'm the owner.
The co-owner.
With Satan.
Just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy, you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the Devil.
Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.
$80,000 a year.
Once I am officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert.
So I will need a new number two.
My ideal choice? Jack Bauer.
But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.
I will see you at the interview.
Yes, you will.
Who is D.
Abramson? He's from that company in Pittsburgh.
Why are you here? How are you? I'm good.
How are you, Janet? I'm I'm great.
It's good to see you.
Can we Can we talk privately for a minute? Why privately? I just I don't I don't like the way that we left things.
Okay, sure.
Why don't you wait in my office? I have some important business matters to take care of.
Pam, DEFCON 10.
Houston, we have a problem.
What do you want me to do? I may need some immediate assistance.
If you would slowly and quietly gather the ladies in the conference room, Phyllis, Angela, Karen.
What about Meredith? No.
She's an alternate.
So, how you been? I'm good.
Sorry to drop by unexpectedly.
I I tried calling, but I kept getting voicemail.
I didn't get both of your messages.
So, Michael needs us in the conference room.
Oh, is it Jan again? Hey, before I leave tonight, would you mind making half a dozen copies of Jim's and my sales reports for our interviews tomorrow? Sure.
I really hope you get the job.
After you ended everything with us, I went on a vacation to kind of clear my mind.
Sounds good.
Sounds fun.
It was.
Yeah, it was good.
I think I should just Get right to the point, you know.
I I feel good about myself for the first time in a really long time, and I've made some big changes in my life, and I miss you.
I want us to get back together.
Would you excuse me for a second? Oh.
She wants to get back together.
What are you going to do? I don't know.
That's why you're here.
Help me.
Would you want to get back together with her? No.
What do I do? Just don't get back together with her.
What if she makes me? How can she make you get back together with her? She made me do a lot of things I didn't want to do.
This was a terrible relationship.
You were not happy when you were with her.
I wasn't.
You're so much happier now.
Just go in there and be strong.
You're right.
You are absolutely right.
I need to go in there and tell her that we can't be together.
Do it.
I'm in a very good place right now.
Thank you.
Jan, we need to talk.
Jan is in a different place right now.
And it is a sign of maturity to give people second chances.
So I'm going to hear her out.
Oh, my God.
Bigger actually.
That's crazy.
Oh, my God.
Can you believe that? Unbelievable.
Wow! She could put the cup right there.
I know.
No, it's fine.
I'm sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around that one time.
I would never do that.
Waste of money.
In my experience, guys are way more attracted to the back of you than to the front.
I love fake boobs.
Oftentimes you find them on strippers.
I find it offensive.
Au naturel, baby.
That's how I like them.
Swing low, sweet chariots.
So, there are a lot of things I would like to do differently.
I feel like when we first got together, that I had a problem with my priorities.
First stop, priorities.
And if we could talk about a way to approach a possible reconciliation.
Let's get back together.
No, no, no.
I'll tell you this, it is not because of the boob job.
Excuse me, boob enhancement.
That would be shallow.
And this is the opposite of shallow.
This is emotionally magnificent.
Okay, everyone, listen up! Time to begin the interview process.
Andrew Bernard.
Save the best for first.
All right, you guys, see you later.
Wish us luck.
Hey, hey, do not wish them luck.
Do not wish them luck.
All luck must be wished unto Michael.
Good luck, you guys.
Good luck.
What did I say? Good luck.
I'm happy for him.
I hope he gets the job.
I really just want him to be happy.
And I know that sounds cliche, and I know saying it sounds cliche sounds cliche.
Maybe I'm being cliche.
I don't care because I am what I am.
That's Popeye.
I am going to begin this process with a simple test of intelligence and mental dexterity.
What is the best color? White.
Because it contains all other colors.
It is the most dominant.
How do you make a table? You make a chair, but you don't sit on it.
What is the capital of Maine? The capital of Maine is Montpelier, Vermont, which is near Ithaca, New York where I went to Cornell.
Okay, also, moratorium on Cornell talk.
Don't want to hear about it.
Forget your personal history and learn the history of this company.
Should not be a problem.
I minored in history in the Ivy League school which I attended.
You're not off to a very good start, Bernard.
I agree.
But in another way, I am off to a very good start, wouldn't you say? I am a great interviewee.
Why? Because I have something no one else has, my brain, which I use to my advantage when advantageous.
Time! No, you failed.
Damn it! This interview is over.
I'll let you know.
Hey, thank you so much for driving me down for my interview.
No problem.
What are you interviewing for, by the way? My assistant? Or Oh, you know, I'm going to have a congratulations Karen party tomorrow night at a friend's house.
Oh, wow.
That sounds fun.
Is your friend named Karen, too? What did she accomplish? No.
I'm sorry, I should have been clearer.
It's for me.
Because I'm going to get the job.
How remarkable.
Wait, wait a second.
Let me check one more thing.
Very good.
All right, well, I have to get back.
But I will see you in New York tomorrow, right? Yes, indeed.
Good luck with your interview.
Thank you.
So I guess we're getting back together.
What happened? Your advice was good, but Jan's was bigger.
Here's the sitch.
Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life.
She treated me poorly, we didn't connect, I was miserable.
Now, I'm in the best relationship of my life with the same woman.
Love is a mystery.
So, we have all night.
Where do you want to go first? I don't know.
How about the UN? How often do you come here? Every time my sixth grade class was on a field trip.
I think you're really going to enjoy this, adult Jim.
Hey, everybody, the next time you see me I will be working for corporate.
Starting tomorrow, Dwight Schrute will be running the branch.
So without further ado, I would like to start saying my goodbyes.
For everything you've done You know I'm bound Okay.
I'm bound to thank you for it Good night and good luck.
Who's ready to work? Yeah.
We went to the Spotted Pig for dinner.
It's in the Village.
Karen knew it.
And then we second acted Spamalot.
That's when you sneak in at intermission with all the smokers.
And then we went to a bar that used to be a church.
Oh, and at this one bar, I swear I saw Lorne Michaels.
That wasn't him.
So what's going to happen with us when I get this job? Oh, you mean, when I get the job? Well, if you get the job, then I'd move here with you.
Would you move with me? I'm not stupid, okay? I was at the beach.
We don't have a future in Scranton.
There's one too many people there.
You mean, Kevin? Exactly.
No, but you get it, right? I can't stay there.
I do.
Come on.
How are you guys doing? Need anything? No.
We're good.
I have been here a bunch of times, so I know where everything is.
Know everybody's names.
If you need to know somebody's name, just ask me.
Well, who's that? That is Beardy.
Beardy? I'm going to introduce myself.
No, no.
That's not his real name.
That's just what I call him.
So I am by far the most qualified person they're interviewing.
Jim and Karen are here, which is cute.
They're like kid actors tagging along with Daddy on the big audition, hoping to be discovered, except Daddy is the best actor around.
Daddy is Meryl Streep.
Michael is gone.
Hail to the chief.
My first order of business, make Andrew Bernard my number two.
My first order of business, accept.
As if you have a choice.
Opportunity of a lifetime.
Three months ago, I was nowhere.
I was just a Cornell grad in anger management.
Look where I am now.
Not bad.
Hey, Hunter.
What's up, my brother? This is Hunter, secretary extraordinaire.
Administrative assistant.
Jan in yet? I think she's coming in later.
Could you give her a message for me when she gets in? Sure.
Just say I want to squeeze them.
It's code.
She'll know what it means.
Oh, Hunter, could you tell her also? You showed great leadership potential at the coal walk, even if you did follow it with that embarrassing personal confession.
Thank you.
I had to make Andy my number two.
It's political, complicated.
You wouldn't understand.
I want you to be assistant regional manager.
Really? Well, in a sense.
Although, publicly, I am going to retain the assistant regional manager position.
You will be your own assistant.
I need someone I can trust.
But I would also like the title to be secretly applied to you.
Just stripped off its pomp and frills.
So you would be the regional manager and the assistant regional manager, Andy is your number two.
I would be the secret assistant regional manager.
Let's call it secret assistant to the regional manager.
Do you accept? Absolutely I do.
I learned from Jim, if Dwight ever asks you if you accept something secret, you reply, "Absolutely I do.
" Hello, hello! Michael, good to see you.
Good to see you.
Have a seat.
Here are the post-merger performance tests that you asked for.
I've been meaning to thank you, by the way.
You didn't lose a single customer in the merger and you still managed to trim the budget.
That is nice work.
So, let me ask you a question right off the bat, what do you think are your greatest strengths as a manager? Why don't I tell you what my greatest weaknesses are? I work too hard, I care too much, and sometimes I can be too invested in my job.
And your strengths? Well, my weaknesses are actually strengths.
Very good.
There you go.
Very good.
Dwight is our new boss.
No, Michael's not going anywhere.
Then who do you think will get the job? Karen.
She looks corporate.
Those little pantsuits.
I think it's going to be Michael.
Do you really think he's qualified for that job? No, but he wasn't qualified for the job he has now and he got that one.
Listen up.
Come to the center of the room, please.
This is a Schrute Buck.
When you have done something good, you will receive one Schrute Buck.
One thousand Schrute Bucks equals an extra five minutes for lunch.
What is the cash value of a Schrute Buck? Excellent question, Pam.
One one-hundredth of a cent.
So, 10,000 of your dollars is worth one real dollar? Just Zip your lid.
Another announcement.
Michael wasted an enormous amount of the group's time and patience with non-work-related ethnic celebrations and parades of soft-minded do-goodedness.
No longer.
No more meetings.
Instead, today I will begin my first lecture in a long series of lectures designed to increase your knowledge on the world of paper.
Do we have to? Yes.
Michael is gone.
There's a new sheriff here in these offices and his name is me.
Conference room, 10 seconds.
All of you! I literally cannot wait until I see what Dwight has planned.
And I wish Jim were here.
What do you think we can be doing better? I've never been a big fan of the name Dunder Mifflin.
I was thinking we could name the company something like Paper Great or Great Paper's Our Passion.
We're great.
I don't know.
It could be good.
Or Super Duper Paper.
It's super duper.
I don't know.
Something like that.
Thanks for coming in, Michael.
Thank you.
It is always a treat when our paths cross.
It is always a treat when our paths cross.
So, oh, before I forget, I wanted to let you know, if you hadn't already heard, Jan and I are back together.
So I may need to fill out one of those love documents again.
You're back together.
And I am very excited about the prospect of working under her.
Or on top of her.
That's not sexual.
Just We're all professionals.
Well, I thought it was clear in the description of the position.
The job you're applying for is Jan's job.
I don't understand.
So we're going to tag-team it? No.
We're letting Jan go.
Listen up.
Let's start from the ground up.
Where does paper come from? Trees.
And where do trees grow? Soil.
We have in front of you here seven different types of Pennsylvania topsoil.
Now, what would you say is the most important element in the production of aboveground leafy growth? Probably phosphorus, right? Wrong.
It's nitrogen.
Absorb this information.
Now, let us discuss precipitation.
Stanley, when rainfall occurs, does it usually fall in a liquid, solid, or gaseous state? Liquid.
Very good.
You have earned one Schrute Buck.
I don't want it.
Then you have been deducted Make it 100.
Well Don't you want to earn Schrute Bucks? No.
In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley Nickels if you never talk to me again.
What's the ratio of Stanley Nickels to Schrute Bucks? The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
That's it! Class is canceled.
Everybody out! No, wait, what are you doing? I'm punishing them.
No, no, no, no.
Class is not canceled.
This is so stupid.
Hey! Come on! Let's listen to Dwight's presentation.
What What are you winking for? Zip your lid! So that's my basic five-year plan and then after that who knows? Okay.
Now, this may seem like an odd question.
Yeah? What do you think about Michael Scott? He's a very nice man.
And he's very well-suited for the job he has now.
This is off the record.
He would be a disaster.
Hey, you.
How was your interview? Pretty good.
Yeah? Could have gone better, I guess.
Well, I will put in a good word for you.
Maybe you should do it sooner rather than later.
What? Let's just run away together.
Let's just run away to Jamaica, live in a bungalow.
You have some savings, right? You can pay off my debts.
It would be fine.
We'd have fun.
What's What's the matter? What What happened in there? I can't tell you.
Tell me what? You son of a bitch.
Jan, this isn't the time.
I'm in an interview You're firing me? Where the hell do you get off? Frankly, it's overdue.
Your behavior in the last two years has been completely erratic.
Erratic? Recently you don't even show an interest in your work.
You smoke constantly in your office, you spend most of the day online shopping.
You disappear for hours at a time, sometimes days, always saying you're visiting your sister in Scottsdale.
You go to Scranton far more often than you Is it because of these? Whoa, hey, whoa, Jan.
Come on Is it No, I want to know! I want to know! Because if it is, then Then I will see you in court.
It's not.
It's not.
Because he likes them, okay? He likes them.
And that is That is all I care about.
The time has come for you to end your professional relationship with this company.
You are clearly unstable.
Hey, you're unstable.
We're all unstable.
Okay, do you know what? I'm just not leaving.
I'm not leaving.
I'm not leaving.
David, I did not tell her.
It's like I'm staring into my soul when I look at this wall.
It's like outer space without the stars.
It's so black.
This is going to look so awesome.
It's so intimidating.
Anyone who comes in here is going to have to take me seriously.
Abandon all hope ye who enter here.
Totally! Bye, Hunter.
Good luck with your band.
Oh, thank you Don't let them change you, okay? So long So I am going to give her a ride home.
Let me know about the job.
Actually, Michael, I think we're going to take it in another direction.
I'm glad we're on the same page.
I have a lot of ideas for new directions.
No, we're not giving you the job.
You know what? That is actually good because I don't think I could take my girlfriend's job.
That's not being a good boyfriend.
So I respectfully withdraw my name from consideration.
Do you accept my withdrawal? I do.
Very good.
I'm glad we are finally on the same page.
Still have my job in Scranton, though? Yes.
That's all I ever wanted.
These two, either one of them, excellent candidates.
That was some serious, hardcore self-destruction.
I kind of feel bad for her, though.
She's nuts.
Oh, man.
You know what, this might take a while.
You really don't have to stay if you don't want.
Okay, good because a bunch of my friends are meeting downtown for lunch and I was going to meet them.
So All right.
Just call me when you're done.
Good luck, Halpert.
Thank you.
Dunder Mifflin, this is Grace.
Oh, God.
I mean, I just don't understand.
It's just so rude, you know.
I know.
I know.
I mean, the absolute nerve of that guy.
I am sorry about that.
That was terrible.
Oh, just No, actually, I think it's good.
You know, it's fine, actually.
I do.
I really think it's great that it happened because, you know, my work has always been the thing that's gotten in the way of my happiness.
So Yeah.
Well, it's No, don't cry.
It's going to be okay.
Oh, I know.
I know.
It's just I'm sorry.
It's just these painkillers that I started taking since the surgery.
Oh, they make my moods totally unpredictable.
What am I going to do? I don't know.
Well, I guess you could come and stay at my condo.
I think I could back out of the sale.
I would probably get some negative feedback on my eBay profile, but Live together.
Actually, wait a minute, this could be great.
This could be perfect.
You know, my full-time job can be our relationship.
I can wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15.
It could work.
This could work, really.
I'll be back.
And I am back.
How did it go? No, no, Pam.
I'm back for good.
Kevin Nealon.
Everybody, may I have your attention please? It is with great honor and privilege that I announce to you, I have officially withdrawn my name for consideration from the corporate job.
I know, I know, I know.
Michael, what are you thinking? You were a shoo-in.
Well I got down there, I nailed the interview and the strangest thing happened.
Why is my office black? To intimidate my subordinates.
That's stupid.
It was Andy's idea.
You shouldn't have taken it.
Bad management.
Good thing I'm back.
Ryan, coffee.
I don't do that stuff anymore.
It's for me, bimbo.
So I'm back and I am never, ever, going to leave.
I am going nowhere.
This place is like the hospital where I was born, my house, my old age home and my graveyard for my bones.
Did Karen get the job? Back to work.
Still waiting on that coffee.
Pam, hello.
Dwight, hello.
I wanted to thank you for helping me when you held the title of secret assistant to the regional manager.
You served the office with great dignity.
No, I don't know what the future holds.
But I'm optimistic and I had fun goofing around with Dwight today.
Jim and I are just too similar.
Maybe one day I'll find my own Karen.
But, you That is a You know, not A man.
A man version.
But until then I can hold my head up.
I'm not gay.
I don't know how I feel about hiring a Sixers fan.
I should leave.
Now, let me ask you a question, Jim.
You're clearly a very bright guy.
Always hit your numbers, personable.
You make a great impression on everyone you meet.
I'm sorry, wait.
So is the question, how did I get to be so awesome? Because I don't have an answer for you.
Oh, hey, do you have your quarterly numbers Yes.
and questionnaire? Sorry to make you fill that thing out.
Oh, no.
It's just a HR formality.
We have this very irritating HR guy here.
He's probably the only person you're not going to like.
So, first up.
There you go.
How do you think you'd function here in New York? What's that? Oh, great.
You know I just I really appreciate the buildings and the people, and there's just an energy that New York has.
Not to mention they have places that are open past 8:00, so that's a bonus.
You've been in the Scranton branch a long time.
What have you liked most about that place? The friendships.
Well, we want the person who takes this position to be here for the long haul.
So, long haul, where do you see yourself in 10 years? How are your feet? Medium rare.
The real reason that I went to Stamford was because I wanted to be Not here.
I know.
And even though I came back, I just feel like I've never really come back.
Well, I wish you would.
Dunder Mifflin.
This is Pam.
Just one moment.
I'll transfer you.
I haven't heard anything.
But I bet Jim got the job.
I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified and smart.
Everyone loves him.
And if he never comes back again, that's okay.
We're friends.
And I'm sure we'll stay friends.
We just We never got the timing right.
You know, I shot him down and then he did the same to me and But you know what, it's okay.
I'm totally fine.
Everything is going to be totally Pam.
Are you free for dinner tonight? Yes.
All right.
Then it's a date.
I'm sorry.
What was the question? So I know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty, but after some more thought, I'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job.
I'm so glad.
We're all very excited you're going to be joining us.
It'll be nice to have another MBA around here.
I'm excited, too.
Who was that? Nobody.
You and I are done.