The Office (US) s04e08 Episode Script

So the figures show improvement right there, Michael.
And again I'll call back.
You never call back.
Every time Michael's in a meeting, he makes me come in and give him a post-it note telling him who's on the phone.
I did it once, and he freaked out.
He loved it so much.
The thing is, he doesn't get that many calls.
So he has me make them up every ten minutes.
Tell him I'll call him back.
- You can't just work 200 days a - Sorry.
No, no.
I don't have time for this.
Tell him I'm in a meeting.
So You have to know how to work this.
There's no excuse for this.
I can get you a tutor if you need This is a very important client.
But I have the most important client sitting right in front of me my boss.
- So I'll call him back - No.
Customer service is obviously priority one.
- You take the call.
- N No, money isn't everything, Ryan.
And you're my friend, and I don't wanna be rude.
Take the call, friend.
I refuse.
No.
My house, my rules I insist.
I insist you take your work calls.
Okay.
All right, Pam, would you put the call through.
Hiya, buddy.
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00) I don't know, I just I never felt welcomed there, you know? - That's - It's such a boys' club.
Yeah, I hate that.
So here's the deal.
I am on my way to New York to be deposed as part of Jan's wrongful termination lawsuit.
The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.
And they displayed a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.
Yes, yes.
Pat-tern.
Patt-ern.
My friend friend Pat took a turn.
That's how I remember that.
Could we pull over and put down the top? My - I'm feeling a little queasy.
- No, I want it up.
My hair.
Remember, it's not just a pattern.
It's a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behaviors.
Disree.
My friend Disree got new specs.
Disree spect.
My friend Inapro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.
- Does this work for you? - Yep! Tell 'em how much you're gonna get if you win.
- Michael, that's tacky.
- $1 million! - That's 4 million.
- $4 million! Man! That is a lot of guacamole.
Lot of green.
Lotta green.
That is why I have memorized Jan's answers.
And I've also thrown in some ers and ahs just to make it seem like it's not memorized.
Perfect crime.
Stop saying ridiculous things.
He's gonna tell the truth.
The truth is very, you know, complicated.
So we went over it carefully, and just not to leave anything up to chance or Michael's judgment.
Could we please pull over and pull down the top? - I don't feel good.
- I told you.
I'm not putting it down! - I'm gonna puke.
I'm gonna throw up.
- Fine, just a second.
Hold on.
Schneider, real quick.
What is a butt load of lawyers driving off a cliff? A good start.
And I think it's "busload.
" Yeah, but rich lawyers took the bus.
Where'd you find this guy? - Hey, there he is.
Hey, hey.
- Hey, Michael.
Jan.
I'm glad you're here.
I need to talk to you.
Can we talk off the record? As friends.
I would love that.
Jan has put the company in a very tough position here.
You're with us for a long time.
Over ten years, right? We just wanna be sure you won't do anything to hurt us with your testimony.
Do you understand? Abso Really, yeah.
I'll I'll do anything for the company.
Good.
That is great to hear.
It is.
Game, son! Okay, let's run it back.
The warehouse got a ping-pong table last week.
Now Jim comes down and plays with Darryl.
Sometimes, I bring him juice.
My boyfriend is 12.
What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping-pong? - Hi, Kelly.
- Guess whose boyfriend it is? - I don't wanna guess.
- I'll give you a hint.
It's not my boyfriend.
I think it's the guy over here.
I don't talk trash, I talk smack.
They're totally different.
Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, "Your mom is so fat, she could eat internet.
" But smack talk is happening, like, right now.
Like, "You're ugly, and I know it for a fact, 'cause I got the evidence right there.
" Jim Can I see you for a second? Sure.
Okay, it's not regulation size, but it'll do.
You have to practice.
You've to get really good and beat Darryl.
I can't beat Darryl.
Please? Kelly's trash talking me because Darryl's beating you.
What? Seriously? What is she saying? Your boyfriend is so weak, he needs steroids just to watch baseball.
Jim couldn't hit a ping-pong ball of the size of the moon.
Were Jim's parents first cousins that were also bad at ping-pong? So you're asking me to defend your honor against Kelly? Sorta, yes.
- Bring me players.
- Okay.
Hi, everyone, Diane Kelly.
I'm the company's chief legal counsel.
Hi.
No, no.
Absolutely not.
What is he doing here? Are you renewing your divorce vows before my deposition? Michael, I'm your H.
R.
rep.
I'm on your side.
No.
I want him gone.
- I don't talk until he leaves.
- Michael, just relax.
I think they're ready for us now.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Mr.
Scott, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? "Yesh.
" Mr.
Scott, can you describe the circumstances of Ms.
Levinson's termination? Well, it was not just a termination.
It was a pattern of disrespect and inappropriate behavior.
Very good.
Well put.
People underestimate Michael.
There are plenty of things that he is well above average at.
Like ice skating.
He is a very good ice skater.
Hey, Kevin.
Jim needs to see you.
- About what? - He needs help balancing some travel receipts.
Are you sure he wants me? Because I have Oscar balance my travel receipts.
Yeah, no, he asked for you specifically.
He's in the conference room.
Awesome! How long have you known the plaintiff? I haven't actually seen it.
But I have seen The Firm, and I plan on renting The Pelican Brief.
How long have you known Ms.
Levinson? Six years and two months.
And you were directly under her the entire time? - That's what she said.
- Excuse me? That's what she said.
Ms.
Levinson told you that she was your direct superior? - Why would she say that? - Can we move on to another question? I don't understand.
Who's on record as saying this? With all due respect, I'm the middle of a line of questioning.
Now, Mr.
Scott, what did you say Ms.
Levinson said regarding your employment status with respect to her corporate position? Come again? That's what she said.
I don't know what If I may, he was telling a joke before.
So can we move on to another question? - Are you sure? - Yes.
Can you go back to where this digression began? Mr.
Schneider: "And you were directly under her the entire time?" Mr.
Scott: "That's what she said.
" Well Delivery's all wrong.
She's butchering it.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Did Ms.
Levinson ever say why she thought she was being fired? She thought it had to do with the twins.
- That's what I call them.
- Can you be more specific? Who are the twins? To be delicate, they hang off milady's chest.
- They make milk.
- You don't need to go any further.
- Her breasts.
- Yes.
She thought it had something to do with her recent breast surgery.
Yes, and, frankly, the timing was nothing short of predominant.
What about your romantic relationship with Ms.
Levinson? Could that have played a part in her termination? Well, if it did, then the company is breaking its own rules.
Interesting.
How so? Because before we started dating, we disclosed our relationship to H.
R.
And I have the proof right here! Okay, the company has just a few clarifying questions, Mr.
Scott, - if that's okay with you.
- I will allow it.
Would you mind, please, just taking a quick look at this photograph, please? That is you and Ms.
Levinson in Jamaica.
Is that correct? And that photograph was taken more than two months prior to the start of your relationship.
Does that sound right? Mr.
Scott, the time line here is actually very important.
Please, when did your relationship actually begin? Well, depends on how you define "began.
" If it was from the first time we shook hands, it's like six years ago.
The first time we kissed, it's like two years ago.
- Excuse me? - From the first time we kissed sober, it was four months after that.
- Could we take a short break? - No.
Are you telling me that your relationship began two years ago and not in february, as you previously testified to here? - Line.
- I'm sorry, what? He asked for a line, like in a play.
"Mr.
Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself?" "I did?" "Yes.
" "Can I go to the bathroom?" "I really have to.
I've been drinking lots of water.
" "You went 5 minutes ago.
" "It wasn't to go to the bathroom.
"but to get out of a question.
" "You've to answer it.
" "First, can I go to the bathroom?" "No.
" Good game, Meredith.
- Don't patronize me.
- All right.
- What is going on here? - Dwight! Thank god you're here.
It turns out one of our biggest clients is a ping-pong master.
And I have to play him tomorrow, or we lose the account.
Can you help me out? Will you help me practice? - What the hell? - I told you.
All of my heroes are table tennis players.
Zoran Primorac, Jan-Ove Waldner, Wong Tao, Jorg Rosskopf, and, of course, Ashraf Helmy.
I even have a life-size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall.
And the first time I left Pennsylvania was to go to the hall of fame induction ceremony of Andrzej Grubba.
Jan and I had an on-again, off-again relationship for two years.
And I know this destroys her case.
And I am sorry.
But I throw myself at the mercy of the deposition.
Thank you, Mr.
Scott.
That's all we needed to know.
Wait We'd like to enter in the record a page from Michael Scott's personal journal.
What are you doing with my diary? This is plaintiff's exhibit 107.
I quote from an entry dated January 4 of this past year.
"Just got back from Jamaica.
"Tan almost everywhere.
"Jan almost everywhere.
"Hee hee.
"Oh, diary, what a week.
"I had sex with my boss.
"I don't know if it's going to go anywhere.
"Jan was very specific "that this is not going anywhere.
"That it was a one-time mistake.
"But we had sex six times, so you tell me.
I am definitely feeling very eerie.
" Irie.
Irie, sorry.
"More tomorrow.
Xoxo, Michael.
" It would appear that neither you nor Ms.
Levinson considered you had a relationship in any sense of the word, is that correct? We'll need to see a copy of that entire journal befo I don't think anyone in this room has a right to read my diary.
Basic discovery.
We've the right to review it.
Okay, let's make ten copies of this diary.
Could you make it 11? And we'll break for lunch so everyone can have a look.
Can I sit here? You know, I I know a little bit about what you're going through, in a way.
When I was a kid, my parents got divorced.
They both wanted custody.
And they both asked me to testify against the other one in court.
So, I don't know.
I didn't want them to get divorced in the first place.
I loved them both so much.
I just wanted How could you give up my diary? I had to.
I'm sorry, but I need to win this.
We need to win this.
How'd you even find it? It's under my side of the mattress.
I don't like the lump.
I'm really upset.
All right, I stole your diary and gave it to my lawyer.
You e-mailed a topless photo of me to everyone in our company.
- Let's call it even.
- Fine.
I love you.
I love you too.
Mr.
Scott, who is this other woman Ryan, who you refer to here as "just as hot as Jan, but in a different way.
" Not a woman, just a cool, great-looking best friend.
We're trying to determine whether Michael and Jan were engaged in a romantic affair.
Not Michael and this Ryan person.
- Excuse me.
- All right.
This is the way I see it.
Yes, I had sex with Jan.
And, yes, I did consider Jan to be my girlfriend.
However, Jan clearly did not consider me to be her boyfriend.
- So her actions're completely rightful.
- Okay, Mr.
Scott.
It's admirable, the way you defend a woman who is so obviously ambivalent about her relationship with you.
Thank you.
You didn't have to say that.
Considering she consistently gave you such poor performance reviews.
That was before our relationship.
She was going through a divorce.
And she was drinking a lot.
Okay.
Of water.
Mr.
Scott, this is a copy of a particularly negative performance review.
Would you mind reading the date on that, please? March 17th.
And that would be a month after your relationship became official.
- Is that correct? - Yes.
You may read the highlighted portion out loud, if you want to.
"I'm out of carrots.
"I'm out of sticks.
"Mr.
Scott has time and again proven himself "to be an unmanageable employee "and a poor branch manager.
"I recommend he be removed from that position and reassigned to sales, where he belongs.
" After hearing that, wouldn't you say that Ms.
Levinson's judgment is at least very seriously flawed? Mr.
Scott? How's it going? Well, he has gone from completely hopeless to simply miserable.
Check this out, though.
Spin serve.
Wow, it works, like, Nice.
So should I schedule the rematch with Darryl now? I'm ready.
I'll make the call.
Wait a minute.
Darryl is the client? Oh, no, no.
He works here, dumb-ass.
Right.
Spin serve.
How could you do that to me? You can respond, but remember, it's going into the record.
Michael, I'm not the enemy, okay? Dunder Mifflin is the enemy.
Dunder Mifflin has always treated me with the utmost respect with loyalty.
They were going to give me your job, and I should have taken it.
Wait Before you go any further, let me show you what kind of loyalty they have, okay? Lester, please read that part of Wallace's deposition.
Starting at paragraph six.
Counsel: "Mr.
Wallace, regarding Michael Scott, "was he a contender to replace Jan levinson?" David Wallace: "Yes.
" See? I was number one contender.
I was being groomed.
Counsel: "Was he your first choice?" David Wallace: "Michael Scott is a fine employee "who has been with the company many years.
" Counsel: "Was he in the top five of contenders?" David Wallace: "What do you want me to say? "Come on.
He's a nice guy.
"I considered many people.
" Counsel: "Was he being seriously considered for the corporate job?" David Wallace: "No.
" I have one more question, Mr.
Scott.
Wouldn't you agree with Ms.
Levinson that the company exhibits a pattern of disrespect toward its employees? Absolutely not.
Yes! Way to go.
See that? Yeah, the floppy-haired girl you date won a point.
Nice, baby! Nice one! Hey, hey, you, you I don't like your boyfriend 'Cause, 'cause 'cause he sucks at ping-pong I'm sick of this! Let's go, you and me! - What? - Let's go.
Pick up a paddle.
- Okay.
Bring it on.
- I am.
- Think you can handle this? - In my sleep.
Okay.
Volley for serve.
P.
O.
P.
O.
Do you wanna go play on the table upstairs? Yes.
Michael I'm very sorry.
No biggie.
Just No.
No, no, no.
Hey, this was rough.
We never meant for you to get caught in the middle of this.
I'm very sorry.
Hey, David Yeah? I think you're a nice guy too.
Thanks, Michael.
Why did I do it? I don't know.
Jan said that it was because of the photo that she revealed the diary.
But she already brought the diary with her to New York.
So You expect to get screwed by your company.
But you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.
What do you wanna do for dinner? How 'bout chinese? We should really try to save some money.
Get something cheap.
That was my cheap suggestion.
Chinese was my cheap suggestion.
Wanna do fast food? Fine.
Fast food's fine.