The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Did I Stutter?

Everybody, everybody, listen up.
I need your ideas now.
Ideas, please, right now.
Go, go! - Come on! - What you're talking about? Wet cement outside, it's drying fast.
Come on, this is a lifelong dream.
What do I write? Michael, you could put your initials in it.
, no.
Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik will claim credit for it.
I don't Once in a lifetime opportunity, people.
- Come on! - Well Here we go! Phyllis, yes? - When I was a little girl - Okay.
Okay, do it! Come on, great, let's hear it! - We found some wet cement - It's drying, it's drying.
All right, Phyllis, come on! - Come on, Phyl! - What did we write? Aah! Come on! - Draw a picture.
- No! - 'Cause that says so more than words.
- No, no! Come on, give me something good! I was watching E!, and I saw Will Smith outside the chinese theater, - and, oh, my god, he looked so good.
- Pam, translate.
She's talking about the handprints that celebrities make in cement.
- I love it! - A real star would put his face in it.
- I love it more! - Michael, that doesn't seem safe I love it! Come on, let's go! We are here today not to immortalize a man, but an idea.
Maybe the idea of a man.
Hurry, please.
Greatness is only skin-deep some people say.
Well, that's not true.
Other people believe it's deeper inside and in this case, that's also not true.
Go! Force it in as deep as you can.
That's what she said.
Today's a very special day for me.
And it's really not about me.
It's about my grandkids.
It's about my great-grandkids.
I can come back here when I'm 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, "That's me.
Look, kids.
Your daddy left that facehole.
" I don't know.
It's a good feeling.
Episode 4x12 "DID I STUTTER" (1.
00) Okay Adjective.
No, no, uh, nice.
Good one.
Okay You ready? "The tall man entered the nice building, "to visit a very nice man.
"Sit down, Mr.
"Can I interest you in any good cat food?" It's a man eating cat food! What about a cat eating man food? Andy and Angela seem very happy.
I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them.
Yeah, I slept over at a friend's house, and I forgot my contact solution, so I had to wear my back-up glasses.
Shut up.
All right, everybody.
Oh, my god.
Pam Those make you look so ugly.
Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off.
You're moving in the wrong direction.
- I don't have my contact - Blah blah! I can't even hear you.
It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist.
We're gonna have a little brainstorming session in the conference room.
You know what would energize me? If you, Pamela Morgan Beesly Don't, don't.
If you propose to me during the Michael meeting, I will say no.
Well, it's too late, 'cause I'm proposing that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly and make me the happiest man in the world.
Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas.
Pam clearly has just given up trying.
So what we need to do is we need to get things going.
We need to get percolating a little bit.
Anybody have any ideas what we could do? Any suggestions? Yes, Andy? What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message so it just had a little more zing and a little more pep? Zing and pep.
Those are the kind of words we're looking for.
Yes, Jim.
What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep? Now we're cooking, I like this.
Maybe a whole theme.
- Like a rap a rap rhyme.
- An urban thing.
An urban Yeah, Stanley, you wanna help us out with that? - Stanley! Earth to Stanley.
- Not me.
Yes, you.
Come on, Stanley, put your little game down - and join the group.
- No.
- Stanley, we're having - Leave me alone, damn it.
We're having a brainstorm session Did I stutter? Good.
This is good.
I'm going to grab a glass of water.
Can I talk to you a second? What? I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning.
What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened.
Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate.
- That, in the conference room? - Yeah.
We were joshing around, the two of us.
And he said, "Did I stutter?" And I said, "wh-wh-wh-what, dog?" It was joking, Toby, all right? He didn't seem like he was joking.
Well, you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man, and you're you.
If you had any friends, you would understand.
Friends joke with one another.
"Hey, um, you're poor.
" "Well, hey, your mama's dead.
" That's what friends do.
It's You're so white.
All right.
Well If you really believe that Stanley was joking - Why don't we go ask him that? - Okay, I will.
I'm not feeling very well right now, though.
My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today.
You know, Michael, sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts when there's a mean girl at school.
Well, sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office.
So it's probably psychological.
You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra, because you pull up to a stop light and look over and there's an Xterra next to you, they're always driven by chicks.
So there's your ice breaker.
Scratch! That's a racing stripe.
- Bumper's sagging.
- Hmm, I doubt that very much.
This car is crap.
I will buy it for next to nothing.
- How next to? - Well, here are your options.
You can sell it for parts.
Drive it off a cliff.
You can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or you can sell it to me and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm.
It will be towed by a donkey.
- I have to pick one of those? - Yes.
- Can you go over those options again? - You know what? You knock $1,500 off the price right now and I will take it off your hands.
It's gonna be now.
- I have the blue book value - Seal the deal.
Let's do this thing.
Three, two, one.
- Can I think about it? - Five, four, three, two, now.
- Let me think about it.
- Say it.
Do it now.
Do it now! Do it.
Shake my hand.
You will sell me this car.
Shake my hand.
Yeah, all right! What? I see that you gave me that form that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly.
So thank you for that.
I guess we are back to normal.
What are you talking about? Well, you know, the thing that you said earlier that you didn't mean.
And that I forgive you for.
The whole thing's silly, isn't it? Friends don't need to apologize to friends as far as I'm concerned.
So we are cool.
I am not going to apologize to you.
It's like I used to tell my wife.
"I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong "and if you don't like it, you can leave.
" And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too.
Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters.
Hence the green line.
Green for money.
Sales, get it? There's this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley.
- Great.
- However, in so doing, it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak.
Thus the yellow color.
Yellow for cowardly.
What's the pink? Menstrual cycles.
Is there anybody up here, anybody at all that can deal with this - other than me - You.
Well, there is the emergency disaster mode for the org chart.
This gives me full authority over every single person in the office.
- I never said you could do that.
- All you have to do is say it.
- Okay, I'll think about it.
- Say it.
Just do it.
Don't think, say it.
Do it.
Five, four, three, two Do it.
Give me control.
Michael I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over.
Do it, Michael.
Do it.
This office needs a strong man.
Say it.
- No.
- So All right, well then, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself.
Hey, Pam.
I really like your glasses.
All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses.
Yeah, it's kind of a turn-on for me actually.
- I should probably get back to - Like librarians.
- entering the - Could you just say, "These are due back thursday.
" No.
Dunder Mifflin.
This is Pam.
Okay, go ahead.
A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business.
I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens.
I'd also like to see her topless.
- Mike.
- Hey.
- I'm very busy here, man.
- Darryl Have you ever been in a gang? Why? It's an advice question, and if you don't want to talk about it, I completely understand.
It's - No, no.
- I know it's very personal.
No - I have.
- I knew it.
Who are we talking about here? - Crips, bloods? - Both.
- God.
- Yeah, them and the latin kings.
- The warriors, Newsies.
- Okay.
Okay, so dig this.
You're on the street and one of your gang disses you.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Yeah, right.
What do you do to get him to make it right? Well, see in the gang world, we use something called fluffy fingers.
What is that? That's where if somebody really gets in your face, you know, just start tickling them.
- Really? - Yeah.
And he starts tickling you.
You know, pretty soon you're laughing and hugging.
Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing.
Y'all can just go to church together and get an ice cream cone.
I would have never thought that gangs would be tickling each other.
Well, it's effective.
I think it's self-explanatory.
Hey, Jim! Come here for a second.
Can you answer me something as a true Eagles fan? Oh, boy.
How do you live with a franchise this bad? - On a wing and a prayer mostly.
- All right, whatever you say.
Listen, while I have you here with Toby, I need to give you a formal warning about your job performance.
A formal warning? It's actually not a joke.
I know how you spend your time here.
I know how little you care about your job.
And honestly, if you spent as much time selling as you do goofing around with Dwight and hanging out at reception, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
I'm sorry, is this because I talked to Wallace about your website? Because I really didn't mean to go over your head.
This is nothing to do with that, all right? I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance.
I thrive on it.
Then do you mind explaining it a little better? - 'Cause I'm not sure - Don't get all defensive, okay? It's just a warning.
If you want details, Toby can provide them.
You take it easy, all right? I'd say all the goofing around at Pam's desk and hanging out with Pam has finally caught up to him.
P with Pam.
Hey, what happened? What did Ryan want? Oh, we were just talking about bureaucratic stuff.
Because you're very important.
Oh, what's Dwight up to? Oh, probably nothing.
What the hell is this all about? You're flipping my car for profit.
It's my car now.
I gave you a deal based on what you said to me.
Yeah, well seller beware.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on ebay.
I've got a mad lib for you.
"A stupid idiotic numbskull "named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra "to a smart and capable man named Dwight.
"This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight.
" Okay, everybody, shh! Listen up.
Earlier today, Stanley sassed me.
And Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him.
They didn't work, obviously, because they were stupid.
So I am now going to fake fire him.
- What does that mean? - It's like a mock execution.
- That's not a good idea.
- Yes, it is a good idea.
It's the only possible solution I have left.
- Well, you can actually fire him.
- No - I've had enough of you.
- Why are you telling us this? Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay? Michael, if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing him.
I'm not firing him! I will need you to act like I am firing him.
Just what I'm going to do is I'm going to pretend that I'm firing him.
And I need you to act like I am firing him.
Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson.
He needs to learn humility, all right? That's all I'm Okay, here he comes.
Let's just play act.
Stanley, may I talk to you for a second? Stanley Hudson, you are fired.
Are you serious? I am serious.
We are all serious.
You are fired like a heart attack.
You're firing me over three words? - Yes.
- Have you lost your mind? Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me? I've watched you screw up this office for ten years, and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing - you've ever done up in this office.
- All right, okay.
You know what? Now you know how I feel.
This was a fake firing.
Lesson learned.
Good work, everybody.
Very nice.
So I'm not fired.
That's it.
And do you have anything to say to me? Yes, I do.
You are out of your damn little pea-sized mind.
What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense at all? Do you have any idea how to run an office? Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before.
And I think, "There's no possible way he can top that.
" But you do you do? You find a way, damn it, to top it.
You are a professional idiot Hey, stop it! Okay, everybody out.
- Who? - Yeah, everybody except Stanley.
Let's go.
- I can't find my glasses.
- You know what? Take my hand, and leave 'em and let's get out of here.
Okay, okay.
It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans.
In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad.
And then in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he's mad.
So that's about it.
I don't understand why you keep picking on me.
- Oh, for the love of god.
- You just do, and I don't know why, so please help me understand.
Here it is.
You are a person I do not respect.
The things you say, your actions, your methods and style.
Everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way.
Well, Stanley, maybe you are feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.
Michael, I've know you a very long time.
And the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you.
Any other theories? All right, you don't respect me.
I accept that.
But listen to me.
You can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't.
I am your boss.
Can't allow it.
Fair enough.
I am a good person, and sometimes good people don't get no respect.
Rodney Dangerfield.
Hey, I don't get no respect.
No respect at all.
When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got no respect.
My wife likes to talk after sex.
So she called me from a hotel room, said, "I don't respect you.
" Thoughtless.
You know what don't get no respect? Airplane food.
Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don't get no respect.
Some take her, please, for example.
If you don't get no respect, you might be a redneck.
Respect is nice.
What's the deal with grape nuts? No grapes, no nuts.
I don't get no respect.
So I'm thinking as a reward for our loyal clients that we contact their assistants and we find out where they live.
And then, we go to their houses in the middle of summer and go caroling.
It is a summer Christmas celebration and we'll call it, "A summer sales a lot.
" Feedback, anybody? Stanley? Has the potential to be the best idea yet That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Damn it.
All right, everybody out except Phyllis.