The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Customer Survey

Hey, sport.
I heard someone got engaged, you dog! God! Nothing can hurt you now.
You're a man in love! I was there.
That dude is not engaged.
I'm not a big believer in therapy, but I'll go into my own pockets to cover his co-pay.
Big idea: double wedding.
Me, Angela.
You, Holly.
We would never do that.
And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.
- We'd never do that.
- So there you go.
Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress.
So quickly.
And you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white.
Michael, did you tell your mom yet? Nope.
Not yet.
- You wouldn't tell your mom? - You love your mom.
- I'll call her later.
- Let's call her right now.
- Call her! Call her! - I don't want to do that.
- Call her! - All right, I will call her.
She's going to freak out.
- Speakerphone! - That's Thanks.
- Hello? - Mom, I'm gettin' married.
- No, you're not.
- Why do you always do that Whenever I'm geing married, you don't believe me.
Are you getting married? No I'm not.
I'm not getting married.
Episode: 5x06 "Customer Survey" (1.
00) So, I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I'm out $100.
And I'm out a fiancee.
- Those are customer surveys? - This is all of them.
Jim, Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley, Andy It's the receipt to my bridesmaid dress.
- What's that doing there? - I'll take care of that for you.
Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic, customer service rep.
And once a year she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople.
Sort of a Kapoor's list.
Schindler's list parody.
That's not appropriate.
Those reports affect our bonuses.
Which is kind of great for me because, you wouldn't know from looking at her but Pam's a gold digger.
New York ain't free.
Get back to work.
It's the world's tiniest bluetooth.
I found it in a japanese gadget store in the Village.
I got one for Jim too.
- Jim, say something.
- Testing, testing.
Hello, everybody.
We wanted to stay on the phone all day, but the company has a policy against 8-hour personal calls.
So we're not telling anyone.
- Pam, what do you want in your coffee? - Sprinkle of cinnamon.
I should go.
All righty, Dwighty, let's see how you did.
- Bring it on.
- No Sorry.
What does it say? Dwight, your feedback is horrible.
- That's impossible.
- A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful? I sell more paper than anyone.
Wait, is this a joke? I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes.
- Do I look like I am joking? - No, but that's sometimes part of it.
If I were joking, you'd be laughing.
Do you look like you are laughing? Impossible to say.
I can't see myself.
You're not.
Yo, Tommy Tuna, - Did you get your scores yet? - Nope.
I got mine.
They were really good.
I miss him.
- You must be really proud.
- Pretty psyched.
That's my mug.
It was just It was right here.
Right, well, it's mine, so, if you could pour it out and get another one.
Or maybe I could finish the coffee in here.
And you could use Snoopy.
He's funny.
Don't give up Snoopy.
That's mine.
That is a great mug.
But it's not my mug.
That is my mug.
So give it back.
- How can you even be sure? - It has my face on it.
Make the face.
- No, I don't see it.
- Dude, that is my face.
What was that? That was Dwight.
He seems upset about something.
Describe him exactly.
What color mustard is his shirt? - Yellow or Dijon? - It is more of a spicy brown, actually.
- What are you mumbling about? - How was your meeting with Michael? - None of your business.
- Was it your scores? These can't be my scores, Jim.
For your information - I'm being sabotaged.
- Of course.
And I'm gonna find that person and punish them.
Or you could just be nice to your customers.
- You're an idiot.
- There's the charm.
Jimbo, let's do this thang.
That is me.
Wish me luck.
- No way.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- Didn't say anything.
- Love you.
- Love you too.
What do you think I am saying to you? Not talking to you.
I caught Jim talking to himself several times today.
What a loser.
Get a friend, loser! I'm looking at it right now.
It's really gorgeous.
You guys do great work.
I found the best "tentist" on the east coast.
He personally tented Giuliani's first and third weddings.
And I got him.
I got him! Would you be able to do the same design, but, with walls of gray? And a top that's gray too? Fabulous.
Come on! - What? - You too? - Did my scores drop a little? - Jim, they are a poopy.
Are we even sure that's my file? Yes, I am sure, Jim.
- Well, there's gotta be an explanation.
- I agree.
So let's see what we can find out from reading.
"Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant.
" I think you mean "smug".
- Arrogance.
- I'm just trying to And there's our smudgeness.
I need a decent bonus because I'm actually in the process of buying my parents' house So that they can retire.
And if history tells us anything, it's that you can't go wrong buying a house you can't afford.
Pam doesn't know about the house, so Fun surprise.
Sorry about that.
I lost you for a second.
So as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year.
Maybe it's cause you spent whole year flirting with the receptionist.
A little bit.
Worth it.
Here's what's going to happen.
I am going to have to fix you.
Manage you two on a more personal scale.
A more micro form of management.
- Jim, what is that called? - Microgement.
Now, Jim is going to be the client.
Dwight, you're going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile, or difficult.
- Let's go.
- All right, fine.
- Hello.
- Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin paper company.
That's great 'cause I need paper.
Excellent, then you are in luck because we are having a limited-time offer only on everything.
- This is my lucky day.
- Ask him his name.
- What's your name, sir? - I am Bill Buttlicker.
- Really? That's your real name? - How dare you? My family built this country, by the way! - Be respectful, Dwight.
- Yes, Michael.
Would you hold on a second? That's my other line.
No, I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman.
He's so dumb.
I'm probably just gonna keep him on line forever and not buy anything.
It's up to you to change his mind.
That was a family emergency.
- No, what's wrong? - You know what, that's private.
- Boundaries, Dwight.
Come on! - I'm sorry, Mr.
- As I was saying, we're having - You'll have to speak a bit louder.
- I'm hard of hearing.
- He's hard of He's an old man.
- As I was saying, right now we are - You're gonna have to talk louder.
- Our prices have never been lower.
- Son, you have to talk louder.
- Never been lower.
- Louder, son! Buttlicker, our prices have never been lower! Stop it! That is totally inappropriate.
You never yell at the client.
- Never yell at a client.
- Listen to me, sir.
- Here we go.
- The 3 words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile, and definitely difficult.
- Please, Mr.
- I'm irate right now! Please give me another chance.
- Mr.
Buttlicker, - Give me the phone! - I've to put you on with my boss.
- Well, I should hope so.
- Who is this? - Hello, this is Michael Scott, - regional manager.
- This is William M.
Hello, Mr.
How may we help you? Michael, I like the sound of your voice.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna buy $1million worth of paper products today.
See how it's done? Thank you very much, sir.
I don't think you'll regret it.
- You're the master.
- There is one condition, Michael.
You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.
Don't do it, Michael.
It's a million-dollar sale.
So, it's called the Shangri-La tent.
It's two stories, heated, and it has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet.
It's just really simple.
Really tasteful.
I don't want to be married in a tent like a hobo.
Hobos live in trains.
Nana Mimi can't be in canvas that long.
Well, Nana Mim OK, look This tent is awesome.
And it's in high demand, so I really think we should put a deposit down now.
OK, fine.
You can have your tent, but only if it's in a field.
- A hand-plowed field.
- Done, and done-er.
There has to be a barn that's old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back.
And antique tools to look at when you roll over.
Do you have a specific place in mind? But anything within a 5 to 8 mile radius is acceptable.
On it! - Get in.
- Are you serious? Get in! OK, what are you They might listen to us.
They might be listening to us! Who's "they"? Customer service might be monitoring this conversation.
- In this car? - Never know, better safe than sorry.
What are you thinking here? Who stands to benefit from our downfall? The mob? Maybe NASA.
Could be the mob.
But then Dunder Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, - and there's little evidence of that.
- Is there some evidence? - Cute shoes online.
- How many shoes do you need? I don't know.
2? Maybe 3, if one wears out.
- How many shoes do you need? - Not talking to you.
- Who are you talking to? - Pam.
- She's not here, Jim! - No, she's not.
I found it.
I found the perfect place.
A local bed and breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm.
And even better, I have an in with the owner.
We work together.
It's Dwight Schrute.
As in Schrute Farms.
So I'd like to re-double my order.
If you could put me down for Wait.
Shut up.
I'm sorry? Do you hear that? Hear what? Breathing.
Is that you? - Well, I am breathing, yes.
- Well, stop.
Hold your breath.
I still hear it.
Who's there? Kelly, is that you? Hold on.
I need paper.
- My god, you scared me! - Hear anything interesting? - What are you talking about? - I think you know.
You always say that, and I almost never know.
What are you up to, girl? Phyllis put you up to this? Stanley? Are they paying you? - Are you accusing me of something? - Of course.
I know you're the mastermind.
But you're too stupid to do it by yourself.
Easy - Let's head back to the desk.
- You can't come into my nook and call me stupid.
Maybe if you were a little bit more nice and polite, people wouldn't give such bad customer reviews.
The reason that I got bad customer reviews is because I didn't! There is a massive conspiracy going on here, and I know you're involved.
Get out of my nook! That's what she said! That's what she said! Good one.
Sorry about Dwight, by the way.
Yeah, he's weird.
Well, we all handle it differently.
I personally choose to handle it like a normal person, but How are you and Darryl? We're cool.
That was weird.
- What was? - Have you ever had a conversation where she didn't go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath? No, actually.
- Did you do something to her? - Don't think so.
Well, something's off.
Hey, how's things? All right.
Livin' in the moment.
Do you have any reason to believe that Kelly would be mad at me? I don't play the politics game anymore, Jim.
Can I tell you something? I played it full-on in New York.
I played it high stakes.
For keeps.
Made it to the top.
But look what it costs.
- Can I tell you what else I learned? - Wait, that's pretty weird.
- What? - Andy has a mug just like that.
Kelly gave them out as party favors.
- Remember? You got one.
- What party? Her America's Got Talent finale party over the summer.
It was packed.
I thought everyone was there.
- You were, I remember you being there.
- I wasn't, but thank you.
- Do you know anything about this party? - Yes, I said you definitely should go, but you wanted to visit me instead.
I can't be the only one who didn't - Let me see your coffee cup.
- No! - Is that it? - No.
Why? OK, I'm gonna assume that was it.
Here's the thing.
I think you're right.
I think it was Kelly.
I think she's mad at us for not coming to her party.
Man, I knew it.
Who are her co-conspirators? - Probably just Kelly.
- Obviously.
I knew it.
- That's what I'm saying.
- What? - You were right.
- I was I was right.
- You were right.
You knew it.
- I was right.
I knew it.
- You knew it the whole time, buddy.
- I knew it the whole time, buddy! Right, Dwight is loud.
I knew it! Kelly the whole time! Let's get her.
Dwight, Dwight, let's talk about this.
What's going on? - Why don't you tell us.
- Nothing's going on.
Let me paint you a picture, of a little girl from southern India, who, despite being welcomed into this country, will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit.
I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate.
What? I don't know what you're talking about.
It's the first time I'm hearing about this.
Come on! You juked the stats, cupcake.
We called about a dozen customers, they all said they gave us great marks.
What's going on? I love your tie, Michael.
I was raped.
You cannot say "I was raped" and expect all your problems to go away, Kelly.
Not again.
Don't keep doing that.
I'll give you one last chance to come clean.
Just tell me what happened.
OK, all right.
OK, I did it, all right? I lied, whatever.
Just fire me.
But you know what? I did it because you didn't come to my party, and you said you would try to, and then didn't even show up, and so you're bad friends.
We have our confession.
I'm calling security Get away from that, Dwight, please.
You know, she's got a point about you.
You do have a problem dealing with people.
- See? I wasn't lying.
- You were lying.
- I was lying.
- Yes.
Jim, Dwight, please excuse us.
- I wanna be here when you fire her ass.
- I'll call you when it's time.
I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place.
And I hate it.
I can't tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years.
I don't even know why I make it in such great quantities.
Here's what we're gonna do.
We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good.
And maybe you should cry.
- Can you make yourself cry? - No problem.
I think you should do that.
Pam Beesly? Hey! What are you doing here? - Who's that? - It's Alex.
It's Pam.
I came to kidnap you.
There's free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective, let's go.
That's gonna be great.
Who's Chuck Close? I love Chuck Close and his photo-realist paintings.
But I have to work.
Well, actually there's something else I'd love to talk to you about.
Can we go somewhere else to talk about it? That's it, I want to talk to this guy.
Put me in his ear.
What's up? I want to take a big leap.
And I want to tell you that I think that you should not move back to Scranton.
I'm gonna make a bigger leap here.
He is into you.
Why did you come to New York in the first place? Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it.
And I wanted to work on my art too.
And that's why I think you should stay here.
'Cause, I mean, you really, you just got here.
You know, and you can't do New York in three months.
You know, it has everything.
All the opportunity is here.
All the whole art scene is in New York.
It would be nuts to go back to Scranton without getting to fully experience it.
Jim's in Scranton.
I know, but all I'm saying is, if there's even a teeny tiny part of you that really wants to be an artist, then I think you should stay here.
Because you don't want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been.
And that is the end of my speech.
I planned it all.
Anyway - I will see you tomorrow.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
Is that the Matsuhashi B400? World's tiniest bluetooth.
- May I? - Don't.
Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.
No, we haven't decided on anything yet.
We're still reviewing some options, and it's gonna come down to the numbers.
Well, then, why don't you look over some of our materials? While I describe to you the Excalibur package.
In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications.
I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months, and be at your constant disposal.
Please feel free to call or stop by any time of the day or night.
Very generous.
Well you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about.
This wedding is officially out of your hands.
Thank the good lord.
Deal! - What are we talking, price wise? - You already said deal.
Pay him whatever he wants.
Can't argue with that.
You're gonna make us so happy.