The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Moroccan Christmas

What is this? Happy holidays, Dwight.
But do not open it till Christmas.
You are so pathetic.
How long did this take you? 3 hours? Five minutes, actually.
I am a black belt in gift wrapping.
No such thing.
They don't give out black belts for things that are stupid.
I hope it was worth it, 'cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.
I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.
If I can skin a mule deer in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut my Jarick & Collioure Episode: 5x10 "Moroccan Christmas" I'm sorry, it's the largest one I have.
I will not be the big guy in the tiny hat.
This is the first Christmas party I'm throwing as head of the party planning committee.
The theme is "Night in Morocco.
" This isn't your grandmother's Christmas party.
Unless, of course, she's from Morocco, in which case it's very accurate.
Do I need this invite to get into the party? - Yes.
- Awesome.
I think this is going to be the best Christmas party ever.
You're going to move this for the party? It's not on theme.
It's the Nativity scene.
All right You can keep your camel, sheep, elephant.
And the North African king can stay.
Everything else goes in the drawer.
I am not gonna judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas.
There is one person who will, though.
And she just stuffed him into a drawer.
- I need you to get rid of the tree.
- But I don't think it's blackmail.
Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight.
I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.
You brought the new doll collection.
These are not dolls, Jim.
These are commodities, the same as gold or oil.
Every year I do research to determine which toy will be the most popular of the Christmas season.
This year it's a doll.
Half girl, half unicorn.
Catch phrase: "My horn can pierce the sky.
" Pathetic.
I bought out every store in the area over the last couple of weeks.
And as lazy parents become more desperate, I will sell them at an enormous profit.
Isn't that right, princess? - That's the Christmas spirit.
- I am punishing those parents that would wait till the last minute to give their child a gift.
And such a genetically improbable one.
Look at that.
How does that happen? The king had sex with a unicorn? A man with a horn had sex with a royal horse? Is that Princess Unicorn? I thought they were all sold out.
- They are now.
- Cool.
My horn can pierce the sky This is equal parts scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of splenda.
I call it a "One of Everything.
" - Hit me again! - One more time around the block.
I will grant you one wish.
I wish you would stop rubbing that lamp in that creepy way.
Everybody knows to ask for 100 more wishes.
Ange, check it out.
There's a place in France where the naked ladies dance Really, Andy? It's Christmas And you're singing about nudity and France.
There's a hole in the wall where the men can see it all Jim, check that out.
What is it? That is vodka, and I mixed it with orange juice.
I call it an "Orange Vod-juice-ka.
" That is delicious.
I can't believe no one's thought of it.
Belly dancing.
All right.
Thank you so much.
My daughter is gonna love this.
So glad I could help.
Merry Christmas.
So this is what every day would be like if you hadn't left India.
We got a live one! On fire! I'm all right.
We're back on the 5th.
Should we do it then? We cannot do it then.
Monthly dental appointment.
Soft teeth.
What about February 2nd? Would you want to do it on Groundhog Day? - No, I celebrate privately.
- That's right.
Why don't we just do it now? We'll do it quickly.
- It's our Christmas party.
- What if we can't do it quickly? What if we can't do it quickly? What if we can't do it? Do you know how to do an intervention? Hey, shut up.
Everybody gather up.
An intervention, it's sort of hard to describe.
But really it's It's a coming together It's a surprise party for people who are who have addictions.
And you get in their face and you scream at them, and you make them feel really badly about themselves.
And then they stop.
We're gonna be here for a while, so why don't you make a plate of hummus for everyone? Little triangles of pita toasted on both sides, fanned, so you can easily grab them.
- I don't - And napkins.
- How do you feel? - A little better.
I threw up.
Fire girl! Too soon.
You know what I thought we should do is have a quick intervention, and then get back to the party.
We're only allowed to talk about Meredith's work performance.
- We cannot ask her to stop drinking.
- I am not asking her to stop drinking.
I am imploring her to quit being an alcoholic.
I'm not an alcoholic.
Obviously you are.
Everybody who thinks that Meredith is an alcoholic, please raise your hands.
- Aye.
- The ayes have it.
I don't care what everyone thinks.
I know I am not an alcoholic.
Let's look at this a little bit closer then.
Shall we? When I was in college, I used to get wicked hammered.
My nickname was "Puke.
" I would chug a fifth of so-co, sneak into a frat party Polish off a few people's empties Some brewskis, some jell-o shots.
Do some body shots off myself.
Pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more so-co, head to class.
Probably gotten expelled if I'd let it affect my grades, but I aced all my courses.
They called me "Ace.
" It was totally awesome.
I got straight "B"s.
They called me "Buzz.
" Have you ever used alcohol to alter your mood or deliberately change your state of mind? Sure.
Do you sometimes have a drink to celebrate a special occasion - or mark a holiday? - Obviously.
Have you ever, under the influence of alcohol, questioned the teachings of the Mormon Church? - Where did you get this? - On a web site.
That's not important.
We should contact some experts.
You don't know what you're doing.
One of my employees is undergoing a crisis.
And I wish for just once you would take my side on this.
I'm doing your job.
- Are you texting? - Yeah, 'cause this is kind of a drag.
Alcohol is a drag.
I'd like to go around the room and have us each express to Meredith how her alcoholism has affected us.
I'll begin.
This Christmas party is perhaps the best Christmas party I have ever been to.
But then you got so drunk that we had to stop and do this.
That's how your drinking affected me.
Anybody else? Another time when Meredith's drinking affected you? Come on.
If we don't say anything, she's not gonna get any better.
There was that one time you bought movie tickets, and then you got too drunk to go, so you gave them to me.
And that was really cool.
That's You didn't You weren't hurt by that.
You said affected by it.
- Thanks again.
- You're welcome.
That's not what we're going for.
Who has a problem with Meredith's drinking? It has to bother you.
It bothers me, right? How does it bother you? Don't you have anything? No.
I like Meredith.
Actually, I don't care for Meredith.
I don't believe in this kind of thing.
In the Schrute family, we believe in a five-fingered intervention.
Awareness, education, control, acceptance and punching.
Who's gonna tell us the latest dirty joke? Who is gonna tell us what you watched on television last night? I am fine.
Was John Belushi fine? Was Bob Hope fine? Come here.
If anything ever happened to you, I would be very angry at myself for not doing all that I could do.
I know I drink.
I like to party.
I want you to say "I'm an alcoholic.
" I'm not an alcoholic! You can say it as loudly as you want, but we're not going to believe you.
I was waiting until later to hand out this year's gifts from corporate.
I don't think they're appropriate anymore.
Please stop making me do these things.
Sorry, it's your job.
But it's the season of mercy.
You never showed me mercy when you were in charge.
- Why aren't you wearing the hair net? - I lost it.
I don't mind telling you that I have an addiction.
I do to porn.
That is the image, I think we all can agree, is very disgusting.
You know what, Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today.
What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come in to work and you're dead? I'll stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.
There are several ways to kill a zombie.
But the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.
Everyone in this room loves you.
But mark my words, we are not going to support your alcoholism anymore.
The next time you light yourself on fire, we are not going to help put you out.
As fire marshal, I would have to.
She is a hazard to the other people of the office.
I suppose I could do it if it was a controlled burn - in a well-ventilated area.
- But you need a permit for that.
Right, that'll take a couple of weeks.
- I can get you one in an hour.
- Really? This is over.
I agree.
I think you did the best you could, but this is bigger than all of us.
It's Christmas and we are turning our back on somebody who's asking for help.
You know what the only thing I want for Christmas? I want Meredith to get better.
That's my only wish.
But my wishes never come true so I'm not going to wish that on her.
A watch would be nice.
They've been in there for 45 min.
I know.
If she wasn't an alcoholic before, she is now.
That's a Halwa Shebakia cookie.
They serve it during Ramadan.
It's great.
- What's up? - You take requests? - Sure.
- Please stop.
'Cause we're having a Christmas party.
I'll be down in a minute.
Could you write down the number of that rehabilitation center that you mentioned? Sure.
- We just missed Poor Richard's.
- We did? I thought we were going out for a drink.
We'll have to go someplace else then, I guess.
The Bog? - Cooper's, Kelly's - We could go there, sure.
Brixx's, Carmen's - The Fort, Andy Gavin's? - I have a new place.
It must have just opened up.
Enough of this Christmas crap.
Let's get some party music.
There you go.
That's good.
- That's better.
- Party girls.
Hey, Sasha, it's daddy.
Have you ever heard of this doll, Princess Unicorn? No, I'm just curious if you heard of it.
This is great.
My ex-wife's gonna be so pissed.
For once, daddy's gonna be a hero.
I'd like to buy one of your dolls.
That's my last one.
I was gonna buy that doll.
I was gonna get the doll.
- Not my problem.
- But I I promised my daughter.
Darryl, look I need the doll.
I need the doll.
I'm begging you.
I need it more than anything in the world.
I need this doll.
Darryl, I need this doll.
Don't cry.
It's cool.
I'll let you get it for 400.
I only have 200.
You can owe me.
I know, right? Merry Christmas.
She's gonna Something wrong with the doll? It's even It's even better than the one I wanted.
Sunrise Rehab? I told you no! There is no way! No way! It's all right.
We're doing this for your own good.
Come on.
- This is gonna be good.
- No way.
I told you.
We talked about this.
There is absolutely no way! - I am not going in there! - Yes, you are.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! - Just wait.
Just wait.
- Calm down.
Come on.
There is no way! Here's the door.
Let's start meeting.
This man is crazy.
- Can I help you? - I have a deposit.
So do I sign? I need you to put the Christmas tree back up.
It's outside.
I didn't ask you where it was.
I told you where it needs to be.
Shut up.
Excuse me? I'm not moving the tree.
Face it, the only power you have over me is this little secret that I know you're not gonna tell.
You wanna know how I know that? Because then you won't be able to plan your stupid, tacky parties anymore.
So you move the tree.
Angela's having sex with Dwight.
I caught them doing it after Toby's going away party.
Don't look so surprised.
- I knew it.
- You did not.
- I knew some of it.
- Everyone knew some of it.
It's Christmas.
You knew it.
- I knew it.
- She knew it.
As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will.
They have to do it voluntarily.
And they have to hit rock bottom.
So I think I know what I need to do at this point.
I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom.
I think I can do it.
I did it with Jan.
All right, everybody's still here.
Got a little surprise I've been working on.
Angela, my bride, I just wanted you to know that for the rest of our lives, no matter the cultural milieu, I will always be there to bring you some Christmas cheer.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly Tis the season to be jolly Don we now our gay apparel Troll the little old Yuletide carol I think I'd like to go home now.
Tough room.
Come on, I just learned it.
Just so you know, protocol is a little round of applause.
But Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!