The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - New Boss

Since it is your 15th anniversary at the company, I thought it might be appropriate to begin the festivities with a 15-minute round of applause.
- I like it.
- Followed by a 15-minute moment of silence.
I don't know.
Is it classy enough? Enough with the classy, OK? I just feel like after 15 years at this company Bravo, by the way.
That we should celebrate with a classy event, a night to remember.
You're right.
This party has to have all the excitement, drama, and intrigue of my time here.
And of course classy.
And classy, yeah.
You agree cause he's wearing a tux, don't you see what he's doing here? Last week, Dwight sent out a memo about the dress code so this is me showing him that I'm taking it very seriously.
Here's one.
A string quartet playing "classy-cal" music.
You know That's good, but it's not classy.
I need something classy, like the opening of a car dealership.
That's it.
Or Mr.
Peanut.
Mr.
Peanut is not classy.
He is a regular peanut.
He just happens to have a cane, a monocle, and a top hat.
- That's what makes him classy.
- OK, how about this? An ice sculpture shaped like you, covered in chocolate, covered strawberries.
You're trying too hard, and that's just not classy.
The thing about classy is it's a state of mind.
I'm sorry, I just don't know what classy is then.
Let's try this one on for size.
And I apologize, because it's right off the top of my head An ice sculpture Of you, completely surrounded - by chocolate-covered fruits.
- Strawberries? - That's inspired.
- I said that! Not classy.
- Not classy at all.
- Déclassé.
French! Classy.
Proofreading: So.
& Valpi Episode 5x18 "New Boss" Hi, can I help you? I'm Charles Miner, here to see Michael Scott.
Sure.
Just one second.
Have a seat.
There's a Charles Miner here to see you.
Miner? I hardly know her.
Are you coming out now? Who have we here? It is Prince Charles Miner.
At your service.
Everybody, this is Sir Charles Miner.
And he is the new VP for the Northeast region, So just give it up for this big guy, right? Give it up.
Here he is.
There he is.
- Hi, everyone.
- Hold that thought! I want everybody to go into the break room, I have a little surprise for you.
Go ahead.
You too.
Would you escort our guest in there? Come on.
Here we go, don't be shy.
Don't be shy, you're one of us.
Stall him a little bit.
I'm going to get the fish.
I wish you would've told the new boss was coming in.
I didn't want to make everybody nervous.
I mean, I could've brought a change of clothes.
You look dynamite.
What are you talking about? Very slick.
Let me get the fish.
Originally founded in 1866, Scranton quickly became one of Pennsylvania's largest anthracite coal mining communities.
Surprise! There's nothing in here.
The real surprise is in the conference room.
Let's go! Come on! I'll finish it up later, but essentially what we're talking about is Surprise! As you can see, I turned the bagels from O's into C's, for Charles.
- Took me all night.
- This is what you did last night? I met this guy at corporate last week, and we were just digging each other's vibe.
I was totally grooving on him, and vice-versa.
And besides, the last two people to have his job were Jan and Ryan.
The former was my lover, and the latter my best friend.
So who knows? I do.
It's going to be mental.
It's going to be mental.
He's like a black George Clooney.
- Really? - I don't see it.
I mean, he's okay, he's not unattractive.
Hey, how you doing? I'm Jim Halpert, from sales.
I just wanted to say if you need anything, let me know.
Why are you wearing a tuxedo? I didn't think you'd notice.
It's funny actually, there's another salesman out here, Dwight Schrute, he sent out this memo as he always does, and it was about professionalism in the workplace, and he singled me out.
So I just had to mess with him.
You'd understand it if you'd read the memo.
There's probably one in the drawer.
It was pretty crazy.
But Not more crazy than wearing a tux at work, I grant you that.
So, I'm going to - Your name's Jim? - Jim Halpert.
Just going to let you get back to it.
He just had to wear his tux today.
- I thought it'd be funny.
- Took him 40 minutes to get ready.
All right, let me introduce you to some of the troops.
Accounting, front and center.
Come on up here, I'd like you to meet somebody.
- This is the accounting department.
- I come from accounting, too.
Nerd alert.
This is Oscar Martinez.
He is latino.
And he just got out of a long-term relationship with a man, Gil, who broke his heart.
But he didn't bring that into work.
It did not affect his job performance.
And I'm very proud of him for that.
Hey, Oscar.
It's good to meet you.
This little hell-raiser is Angela.
She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office.
One over there, in the orange.
Where's the other? You know, I don't need to know everyone's sexual history.
Well, perfect.
Because we have now arrived at Kevin, and he has no sexual history.
How about I just say hi to everyone at one time? Good, good.
Everyone, please give it up for Charles Miner.
And thank you for the C-shaped bagels.
- That's great.
- Above and beyond.
You know we're in tough times and we're not immune to this economy.
- True.
- But the goal is to, you know, fight our way through this.
Stanley Hudson.
Are there going to be layoffs? - No, absolutely not.
- Hold on, Michael.
Thank you.
Stanley, you know We can't make any promises, but we'll try everything to avoid that.
Do you have specifics? Michael should've filled you in last week.
Due to the economy, there's a lot of worry going around, - I didn't want to worry people.
- You didn't tell them? Why don't - What I told Michael - Charles is gonna tell you is that we are cutting Which means we will no longer be matching 401k contributions.
And all overtime requests will need to come through the corporate office.
Fantastic.
- It's not official.
- It is official.
And actually guys, I'm encouraging branches to consider a freeze on discretionary spending.
Such as salary benefits, et cetera.
- Et cetera, insurance.
- Not salaries Petty cash, supplies and you know, parties.
Things like that.
- What about your party? - OK, you know what? I think this has been great.
I think this gives us a lot to think about, doesn't it? Charles Miner, ladies and gentlemen.
He has a long trip home.
Thank him for coming, we have to get back to work.
- I'm going to stay for the day.
- You don't have to.
I've got this.
This was just a meet and greet.
It's more involved than that.
I'm gonna set up in here.
I am thrilled that the new boss has taken such an active interest in all of the responsibilities that I'm supposed to have.
Thrilled.
David, it was my understanding that I was not going to be managed.
What gave you that idea? - It was my understanding.
- I see.
Why don't we just leave that position vacant? Truth be told, I think I thrive under a lack of accountability.
Look, Michael.
Charles is very qualified.
Get to know him.
I really think the two of you are gonna make a great team.
- But the branch is still mine? - You're still the branch manager, yes.
And if you need anything else at all, just let Charles know.
Ask about the party.
Right.
Are you coming to my 15th anniversary party? - I'll give it my best shot.
- No, the other thing.
If we hired Cirque de Soleil as salaried employees, will that help us with the year-end tax stuff? You think he hung up? I got off the horn with David Wallace, and he said that you and I should try to get to know each other.
And I agree.
So, what I would like you to do is, tell me something that you've never told anybody before.
Come on.
What's your wife's name? Where did you work before? Saticoy Steel.
Beautiful.
See, African-Americans have such a rich history of unusual names.
No, I worked at a company called Saticoy Steel.
You're not from paper? - Does David know this? - Yeah, he just wants a good manager.
Well, that actually is a excellent segway into really what is my only point.
I don't need to be managed, Charles.
And if you want to pick up some tips, observing here and taking them to the other branches, it's all good.
Jan would mostly come by when she was super horny.
And Ryan would come by to visit his parents and do laundry.
So - Are we clear? - That's not how I plan on doing things.
I'll just bounce that off David, see if it comes back.
I'll tell David what he needs to know.
Sorry.
David wants it this way.
Whatever David wants Michael Scott calling for David.
Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.
Come on, no.
You have to charm them.
David Wallace's office.
Hey there, gorgeous.
How you doing today? - I'm good, thank you.
- How's it hanging? - All right.
- Listen.
My name is Michael Scotch.
And I just wanted to say that I've got David Wallace's son in the trunk of my car.
If he doesn't get on this phone in five seconds What are you doing? - David Wallace's office.
- Hi, Stephanie.
Michael Scott again.
I just spoke with Michael Scotch.
The son's going to be returned, everything's fine.
And I really need to talk to David.
Please hold.
Charles Miner.
Hello, who is this? - Who is this? - I was never given a name.
Can I help you? I don't think that anyone here Hey everyone, lunch is on me today.
- That is so unnecessary.
- Are you kidding me with this? - On the day that I bring in breakfast? - It's no big deal.
I wish you had told us sooner.
Because I was going to go to the vending machine and get an egg salad.
You still have that option.
- Thanks again, Charles.
- You're welcome.
Nobody thanked me for breakfast, except Charles.
You say, "no more parties," and then you spend money on lunch.
I think it's a little hypercritical.
I do this for every branch I go to.
If you do not like it, then I think there are some bagels left over from this morning.
Damnit, Stephanie, put me through to him.
Is that him in the background? Pick up the phone.
Should I seduce him? No, no one wants to see that.
I just realized that I used the 2008 calendar to do the spreadsheets for January and February.
I may need to come in this weekend to fix it.
You wanna do some overtime this weekend? You know what, Kevin, I applaud your initiative.
Yes, you may Sorry, Michael.
No, Kevin, right? I'm gonna need you to do that during office hours.
This is my branch.
You don't ask Charles, you ask me.
I say "approved".
That's not the way it's going to work.
No, it is not.
No, it is not.
- So we're on the same page, great.
- So we're on the same page, great.
- Seriously.
How old are you? - Seriously.
How old are you? I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do.
The more infantile, the more upset he is.
And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing.
He never skips it.
This is bad.
- Five-years-old.
- Five-years-old.
Dude, stop.
- That's great.
- That's great.
Stop it.
- I'm going to walk away.
- I'm going to walk away.
- You need to stop doing that.
- I'm kidding around! Relax everybody.
It was just a joke.
It's fine.
Boy, so touchy.
PPC, let's continue our meeting in the conference room.
And then out of that cake pops another stripper holding a smaller cake and then an even smaller stripper pops out of that one.
- What is that smaller stripper holding? - A cupcake.
It's cupcakes and strippers all the way down.
What exactly is the PPC? That's the party planning committee.
They spend hours planning parties.
Excuse me, guys.
- What's going on in here? - Party planning.
Not your concern.
This doesn't seem like a good way to spend company time.
Really? How would we come up with great ideas like Jim's? Go ahead.
- I would like to get work, actually.
- What you got, Jim? What is a two-way petting zoo? You pet the animals, they pet you back.
It's a great idea.
And we have a cake in the shape of a bale of hay.
It's just a regular-shaped cake.
But it's cool This isn't a good use of company time.
You're talking about my anniversary party.
Everyone except for Michael, go back to your desks.
- Thank you very much.
- Here we go.
- I'm dissolving this committee.
- What? Come on, this is a work place.
It isn't designed for your vanity.
News flash: I've been here for 15 years.
Headline: you have been here one day.
End of story.
You have no right to cancel my 15th anniversary party.
End of story.
- I don't care if I've - End of story! hurt your feelings or you do not agree with my methods, but it is over.
You know what? I'm going to New York! And I am going to talk to David Wallace, I'm going to tell him everything.
And I'm sorry to say you're screwed.
And you know what? You are gonna be through.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to do that to you.
Right.
Do you even know how paper is made? It's not like steel, you don't put it into a furnace.
If you put paper into a furnace, you know what would happen? You'd ruin it.
Come in.
All right, Charles, I got to be honest, I think we really got off on the wrong foot here.
And truth be told, I'm a smart guy.
And a hard-worker and a great number two for the office.
- Number two? - Second in command.
To my goal.
I didn't know that position existed.
At first, it was a made up position for Dwight, just to make him feel better.
Assistant to the regional manager.
But then he lost that and Michael gave it to me.
You're the assistant to the regional manager? - Assistant regional manager.
- Any responsibilities come with it? No, not exactly.
Do you want to keep this made up position? It's important to you? All right.
I will - let you get back to it.
- Would you OK, where is he? Is this the meeting you've been in all day? - How did you get here? - I drove.
Cancelled, my 15th anniversary party.
Just pulled the rug out from under me.
He said, "no figs".
I've already bought them.
And I don't have a place to store them.
So I feel like I've been sort of boned.
Did you talk to him about this? You've talked to him all day, obviously.
Did you talk to him about this? I didn't know about the figs, specifically Then I don't get it.
It doesn't make any sense to me.
Because I thought in the new system, that I was supposed to talk to Charles and then Charles talk to you, and that will dilute any need for me to ever talk to you again.
- That's not exactly the new system.
- Clearly, that's what you wanted.
and I've sacrificed a lot.
I've put having a family on hold.
- We didn't ask you to do that.
- And I've never gone hang-gliding.
And I've never driven my car to the top of Mount Washington.
OK, it was nice meeting everyone.
I will see you in a couple of weeks.
Excellent.
It was very nice meeting you, Charles Miner.
See you.
See you.
And for my next trick, I will make my career disappear.
I can see our kids facing obstacles, behind half black and half indian but it's so worth it.
There's just me here.
I am gonna get him to buy me a prime rib tonight.
I think he left.
What? Move! Hello, Charles? Is that his scarf? Charles and Kelly? Absolutely not.
He is a sophisticated man.
He does not need to go dumpster diving for companionship.
I don't understand that, after 15 years of service here, I have to get in the car and drive to New York in order to talk to you.
That doesn't seem right to me.
That doesn't seem fair.
And I think that I've earned more than that.
You're right.
I get it, Michael.
Here's what I'm gonna do.
We will move some money around, and I will personally see to it that you have your party.
You'll have your figs.
I will be in attendance, it's gonna be great.
How's that? I quit.
What? You have no idea how high I can fly.