The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Michael Scott Paper Company

It's britney, bitch.
And i am back in the form of a new company-- The michael scott paper company.
Not gonna make this one.
Love thhair.
- Good morning, michael.
- Hello.
They took away my parking space, But they can't take away my pride.
I would like to invite you all to come along with me On a journey.
Welcome to theichael scott paper company.
The office 521 You know, i thought we could take the customer on a then then we could You realize you're not actually talking to me, right? - Then - Hey, kelly? Yes, charles.
You wanted me.
Oh, no, i meant-- I meant that kelly.
The new receptionist is also named kelly.
So kelly kapoor has decided to hover around my desk So that she can run into charles' office Every time he calls for kelly.
She thinks that if she says "you wanted me," enough, He will, in fact, want her.
It's not the worst plan she's ever had.
Oh, and, kelly Yes, charles yes, you wanted me.
Okay, i'm gonna call you kapoor, okay.
And you hannon.
If we're changing names, can i be erin? It's my middle name.
Erin? Okay.
That's very pretty.
Well, you know what my middle name is? Rajani ghanda-- And i hate it! I hate it! I thought rajani ghanda was a boy's name.
We are in the heart of it.
And the surge of water carries our business Out to the sea.
What should we do now? We wait and hope that people show up To the pancake luncheon.
??I think i have done absolutely everything you can do To prepare for the day.
I've updated our contacts.
I have gotten quotes from suppliers.
I have sent out an e-Vite for our big, Grand-Opening pancake luncheon.
Six yeses, one maybe, only 11 nos.
and 788 not yet replieds.
But of that group, 782 have viewed it.
I'm going to need ??Coupon for unparalleled customer service.
I make that one copy And i become the girl who makes copies.
And by the end of the day i'm receptionist again.
And the worst part is, i like making copies.
The paper comes out all warm and stuff.
And it's cold in there, 'cause it's technically a closet.
What do you think? Let me check.
Oh, no! Clearly a hunter Who knows how to throw an outfit together.
Thank you.
Yes, i am taking andy hunting after work.
Not long ago we were sexual competitors.
I used to hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him.
I studied him to figure out why i h.
?? But that blossomed into a very real friendship, As these things often do.
You should come into town this weekend, man.
Yeah, we'll hang out scranton style.
Hey, you said you were gonna be out of town this weekend.
Please don't listen to my phone calls.
Yeah, she's like, um She'd probably be a six in new york, But she's, like, a seven here in scranton.
Then the boss is my old boss from dunder mifflin.
It's a small space.
Hey, jim, can i get a-- hi.
I need a rundown of your clients.
Can you give that to me? - Sure.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- Okay.
What the hell is a rundown? When did you need that rundown by? - As soon as possible.
- Okay.
- Just get it right.
- Yeah.
Of course.
I'm gonna dive into the rundown.
I'll be exhausted, 'cause it's like a triathlon.
Did you want to close this? Close--Keep it You know, there's a ghost in this office.
Really? A woman was murdered on this very floor in 1816.
Haddie mcgonagle.
she was a prostitute.
Why was she in this building? No, this whole place used to be a brothel.
There was a tavern on the ground floor.
- That's crazy.
- Yeah, isn't it? She was bludgeoned to death By the business end of a riding crop.
- Oh, my god.
- It was gruesome.
They say she walks these hallways.
If you ever feel a tapping on your shoulder, That could be haddie, begging for her life.
And it could mean that you're next.
Just kidding.
You finding everything okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Got some ice.
Oh, this is awkward.
So i'll see you guys around.
Hey, ryan, could you get to that copy from before? ??Ter at that stuf that is so insulting.
How is it insulting to say that you're good at something? Because the thing that you're saying i'm good at Is pushing a big green button a bunch of times.
I'm not judging it.
It's like I could run gm, but i couldn't fix a car.
It's not saying that one is better than the other.
Seriously? 'Cause it sounds like one of those Is better than the other.
- what the hell?! - Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen! I need somebody to make a copy of this! Because i don't make copies.
I'm the boss.
Got it? - I make originals.
- Yeah, i make originals too.
- Shut up.
- stop it! Stop it! Bickering stop it! - Really.
- Yeah.
not much.
What's up with you? No, that's okay.
I'm in the bathroom.
Hey, you been watching damages this year? It's so good.
No, you gotta tune in.
It's as good as anything on hbo.
Hey, does blue go with tan? Somebody just make the copy.
I have, like, a blue shirt.
I don't wear a lot of colors ?? Just make that copy, okay? Seriously? This is what's so important, Putting naked pictures on the desktop.
That's me and my friend jasmine, from thailand.
I don't want to look at your friend jasmine's boobs all day.
You could be hot too if you made any effort at all.
Like how? Dying my hair blonde? This is from the sun.
Oh, yeah, i bet.
They're getting on my nerves, mom.
Both of them.
R thinks he's too good to be here, And p is not as much fun without jim.
??Mic c hear you.
I'm on the phone.
Mom, i'm gonna have to call you back.
P is being a giant b.
?? No, don't take that.
Give that back.
- Give it back for what? - ?? What are you?? - ??Ina make a spread sheet.
- You're gonna make another spread sheet.
- Yeah, exactly.
- ?? - It's my turn.
Come on! Ryan! - ?? They always say that it is a mistake To hire your friends.
And they are right.
So i hired my best friends.
And this is what i get? Hey, buddy, what are you up to? nerthin.
?? ??to erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated And your skin?? And i'm assuming a little bit of blood rushed In.
?? ??Well, a little bit of blo rushed into ne as we.
So where does that leave us? The last thing i wanna do is step on your funk, man.
And i yours.
So i will cede her to you.
- No, that's ridiculous.
- No, no, no.
Look, you've been here longer.
And besides, i'm a better wing man Than i am a boyfriend, so I just want you and i to hang out, you know.
Just ??N up.
It has come to my attention that some people in this office Are not getting along with other people in this office.
And i think i have come up with the reason why.
This office space is too small.
- Definitely.
- Okay.
There are four corners in this room.
Each corner is to be a personal space For each one of you.
Whichever corner you want.
And make it your own.
- We could work from home.
- Or you could fire one of us.
- Whoever has less education.
- Okay, guys, thank you for the offers.
But i want you to get pumped about this corner idea.
All right? One, two, three, Wha do ?? Corner idea.
No, you're supposed to say rock the house! - Rock the house.
- How would we know that? Hey, dude, do you know what a rundown is? Use it in a sentence.
can you get this rundown for me? Try another sentence.
This rundown better be really good.
I don't know.
But it sounds like the rundown is really important.
Charles asked me to do this rundown Of all my clients.
Why don't you just ask him-- No, i can't.
It was, like, hours ago.
What have you been doing? Try another sentence.
Last night was crazy.
Jojo yeah.
He did a doughnut in the parking lot In front of a cop.
And then he yells, "hey, cop, you like doughnuts?" Then we drive off.
??Noust stayed there.
I want that new phone.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, you know which one i'm talking about.
It's the one-- No, the one with the awesome browser.
no, not that one.
that's my corner.
I thought that was your corner.
No, this is where i work.
I can't relax in the same corner where i work.
??Myorner's the one with the copier? Pam, i don't make the rules.
??I wish my ipod couldmake phone c No, i don't want an iphone.
I know what an iphone is.
You started on that rundown yet? Oh, this is just something i'm takinoh.
Eak with.
?? But i will get back to the rundown, - right now.
- Okay, great.
Hey you know what, Do you have a rundown that i could take a look at, Just so i know what type of rundown you're looking for? Just keep it simple.
Keeping it simple That's what i'm doing.
But i am working hard on this one--Real hard.
You're working hard on this? No, not--Not too hard.
Not hardright.
?? ?? I mean, why work harder than you should? no, i-- - Can i help you? - No, thanks.
- Hey.
- Hey, i'm here to see charles.
- Hey, charles.
- Hey, pam.
I know you're a very busy man, So i'll cut rito the chase.
?? Okay.
I'd like my old job back.
I don't know what to tell you-- The job's been taken.
Well, i could come back as a salesman.
I have experience now.
Or i could come back as your personal assistant.
You know, sort your mail, set your appointments.
I know all the people.
?? Personal shop?? No.
Well, it was great catching up with you.
And i'll see you around the building.
I'm just gonna sit here for a little bit longer, If that's okay.
The air smells so good.
I don't remember it smelling so good.
The chairs ata?? Oh, hey! Stanley, phyllis, come on in.
Welcome, welcome.
Let me give you the tour.
I get it.
Do you need to see more? - It's really cute.
- Thank you.
You remember ryan.
And pam is around here somewhere.
She's upstairs talking to charles.
What for? I don't know.
Are we staying till 5:00? ?? Maybe the michael scott paper company was A huge mistake.
I should leave.
?? ???That'l Get your free pancakes.
They are delicious.
They are nutritious.
They are complimentary.
Young sir, would you like a free pancake? I'm texting.
I don't want to get my hands sticky.
Ryan, enough with the texting machine.
Come on.
And tuck in your shirt.
You're the face of this company.
- Hey, pam.
- Hey.
You sorta disappeared there for a while--Where you been? Yeah, i needed to take care of some stuff.
Yeah? That's as specific as i'd like to be.
Well, at least you're still being honest with me.
There's the rundown you asked for.
I may have expanded some areas that you weren't prepared for.
Great, fax that to everyone on the distribution list.
Do you want to look at it first? Do i need to? No, no, no, i just Wanted to make sure we have the same format.
So the distribution list is gonna be my-- - What's that? - The one i have.
I'll use the one i have.
Just faxing my dad a rundown.
?? Ll, but we're ea do you have a card??? Nope, i don't have a card, but i'll do you one better.
A little scrap of paper.
?? These are terrible, boss.
You've gotta make 'em in a circle So that they cook evenly.
- They're shaped like paper.
- I don't even want these.
?? * ?? * * ??? * ??I like that song.
you're good.
- You're good.
- Thank you.
That was great, but it's just sort of-- It's still a little choppy like.
But don't worry, it's hard.
I mean, it took me a while too.
It's like What? Oh, my god, you heard that? I'm so embarrassed.
- I'm so, like, rusty.
- It was good.
You're really coming along.
It's really technically proficient, ??But yort or soul in it.
Really? Hey, you want to sing with me? * almost heaven * * west virginia * * blue ridge mountains * * shenandoah river * In german! * ?? * * ??? * * younger than the mountains * * blowin' like a breeze * * ?? * * to the place i belong * * ??Virg * * ?? * * take me home country roads * Take it, andy! * take me hom?? * * to the place i belong * ?? I once had a dream that i was eating??Ut butter an.
And let me tell you something, it was delicious.
So the next day i decided to make that sandwich.
And in real life it is disgusting.
It is a disgusting sandwich.
And the reason i tell you this story Pick up the phone.
Just-- Dunder--Michael scott paper company, this is pam.
Hi, russell from the pancake luncheon.
How are you? Well, we'd like to do business with you too.
?? ??? - keep going.
- tell him we have free delivery.
we already offered free delivery.
??They doknow that.
i can offer you free delivery?? At ace tod God! Okay.
20 boxes? Uh, i can do-- Just a second.
- ?? - I can do 20 boxes at $43 a box Great.
Write it down.
- ?? - ?? - ?? - Just say the word.
And i guarantee That you will be satisfied.
'Cause your satisfaction is our guarantee.
We guarantee it.
We look forward to doing business with you too.
Thank you, russell.
- Yes! - I made a sale! - You did.
- ?? yeah - We did it.
- She did it.
?? ??? ?? Who would have thought that the thing That would save this company would be work? And pancakes.
In the end, this day definitely had its ups and downs.
I realize that we don't have the biggest office.
Which is a surprise because But we have people with the biggest hearts.
And i think for a small company, that is real-- Someone went to the bathroom.
That is really what's important.
Literally, every song is better a cappella.
Name a song.
Cherry pie.
- Better a cappella.
- No.
- Really? - Yeah.
Name another.
Enter sandman.
Better a cappella.
Rebel yell.
Billy idol.
Oh, way better a cappella.
- Really? - Yeah.