The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Shareholder Meeting

Not again.
Bow down before recyclops.
Five years ago,corporate said we had to start a recycling program for earth day.
So dwight took the lead on that and introduced us to a very close friend of his named recyclops.
Happy earth day,everyone,i'm recyclops.
Did you know that an old milk carton can be sawed in half and used as a planter? The next year he really stepped things up.
Who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin? A year after that,recyclops really began to take shape.
Recyclops will drown you in your overwatered lawns.
Then tragedy struck recyclops when his fictional planet was attacked by some other fictitious thing.
I can't remember.
Recyclops will have his revenge.
I think this was also the year that he renounced earth day and vowed to destroy the planet he once loved.
Oh,my god,you guys,look,it's recyclops! Recyclops destroys! - Oh,is today recyclops day? - Yes.
I thought you were killed by polluticorn or something.
Polluticorn wishes.
That's aerosol spray.
It's terrible for th environment.
Humans are terrible for the environment.
The thing I like most about recyclops ishat he's creating a different world for our child.
A world where you truly can be anything you want.
God bless you,recyclops and your cold robot heart.
Okay,okay,how about this? - That's great.
- I want it to be better than great,pam.
How about I remain seated and I just do a little bit of a nod.
Sort of a humble thing.
No,then my face is down and they can't see my face.
And it looks like you're taking a dump.
Alan brand is the ceo of the company, if title's important to you, has personally invited moi to go to new york to the shareholder's meeting and sit up on the stage with the board of directors.
And at some point they are going to introduce me as the most successful branch manager that they have.
And then michael scott turns and waves to the crowd and the crowd goes wild.
Ladies and gentleman,from scranton pennsylvania, please welcome michael "the machine" scott.
- Don't do the twirl.
- Lose the twirl.
- Twirl sucks.
- Michael,I hated the twirl.
Hate the twirl.
Okay,obviously,I'm not going to do the twirl.
I only did it cacause I nailed the wave.
Yeah,good,don't do it.
I'm not going to do the twirl.
All right? It's not even a twirl,it's a spin.
I might do the spin.
The long term problem is bad investments that they need to dump.
The short term problem is the company has no cash and there's nowhere to get it.
Okay,oscar,I don't need the whole enchilada just bullet points.
Those are the bullet points.
Well,could you condense it please? That's as simple as I can make it.
Michael,the limo's here for you.
It's not a limo,it's a town car.
Town car's are actually better though, better torque,better handling.
He said limousine so Check it out,guys.
There's a limo down here.
They sent a limo.
Town cars suck.
A town car is something that a company sends when they're in trouble.
A limousine is something that a company sends when they have cse for celebration.
And in this case,I think we are celebrating me.
Oh,wait! Wait! wo Wow! Ohoh,no way.
Look at that.
What kind of mileage does this baby get? It's like what high school kids take to prom on tv shows.
This is so typical of management to spend money on this.
Uh,they're a bunch of boobs.
Hate to break it to you,oscar,but some of us like boobs.
Calves,calves all the way.
I'i'm so jealous right now.
Hey,you know who you should be jealousf? Yourself because you're invited,and you're invited, and you're invited,and you,and you,and you,and you,and you,and you Car seats eight.
And you - What? - The car seats eight.
The limo seats eight.
Okay,then jim and pam,and ryan plus a guest.
- No thanks.
- no.
I'll use it when you're done.
I'll go me.
The dunder mifflin stock symbol is dmi.
Do you know what that stands for? Dummies,morons and idiots because that's what you'd have to be to own it.
And as one of those idiots,I believe the board owes me answers.
I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
Hey guys,do you thinknynyone might have had sex in here? - Definitely.
- Sounds like it.
Look,they got pillows.
That,that's bigger than my bed.
- Word! - Yeah,yeah! Who's playing with the button? Hey,ryan,could you start consolidating all of our rolodex information into outlook? Uh,itoeoesn't seem like there's much of a point if the company's going under.
But if the company doesn't go under, then we'll finally have all our contacts in one program.
- The company's probably going under though.
- It could go either way.
Seems like it's leaning one way.
Maybe we should just wait and find out - definitely.
- Okay.
So should we wait to find out before we start doing all this stuff? Nah,might as well do it now.
Michael,what if somebody asks you a question at this meeting? Are you just gonna wave or what? I will have to answer.
I'll ask you a question.
Make it a softball.
Something he can,like,crank out of the park.
Michael scott,you run ththe most profitable branch of dunder mifflin,how do you do it? No,no,that's too hard.
Say you're name is zamboni and I will say, "well,we're sort of on thin ice.
" I won't say that,i'll say something like that.
This is your big day,come on.
Oh,my god.
This is it.
- Mr.
Scott? - Yes.
- I'm laurie.
- Oh,hi.
Thank you for joining us.
Come with me.
Well,thank you and please call me Continue to call me mr.
If you just wanna follow me i'll take you up to the lounge.
Well,I guess that's as far as I can take yoguys.
So - Good luck,michael.
- See you later.
Thank you.
- Here is the lounge.
- Thank you.
- Michael.
- Hello.
- So glad you could make it.
- Thank you.
- How was the ride? - Oh,it was awesome.
Very,very sublime.
I'm glad.
I want to introduce you to everyone.
Uh,first we'll start with alan brand.
Alan,ceo,michael scott,branch manager,scranton.
- It's nice to meet you michael.
- Nice to meet you too.
It's an honor and a privilege.
And seated we have the former congressman chris o'keefe.
Ah,your eminence.
For those of you with questions, please line up behind one of the four microphones that have been placed in the isle.
Coming through.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
H,h,damn it.
What Okay.
I was hoping to lob michael a soft ball question early.
I wanted to swing by the garment district and pick up a few crates of my shirts.
I got a shirt guy.
Can you believe this? The money theypent on this convention hall.
Excuse me,miss.
I just want to take those stupid board of directors by their necks.
This is so simple.
Well,you should do that.
Get in line.
Oh,what a great idea and lose my job.
No,thank you.
Look,don't you wanna be able to tell your grandkids you stood up for yourself during america's biggest financial crisis? How is he gonna have grandkids? You guys ever protect the president? no.
What about madonna? Obama twins? Anybody famous? Not supposed to talk about it.
Nelly furtado.
All right,guys.
Are you ready? Rock and roll all: boo! **** Company.
We are poised to come through this more streamlin a and profitable than ever.
This is not as much fun as I thoug I it would be.
It was fun when we weren't on the brink of bankruptcy.
We're going bankrupt,you think? They are really angry.
I'm just gonna run to the bathroom,will you save my place? - Sure.
- no.
You will not.
Excuse me? Oh,I'm sorry,were you raised in a household with no consequences? It'll just be a second.
Oh,if onlys and justs were candies and nuts then everyday would be erntedankfest.
There are many things to be optimistic about in dunder mifflin's future.
And one of them is here with us today.
Michael scott,scranton branch manager.
Yes! In these uncertain times michael has managed to maintain steady profits from the scranton branch.
We all thank you,michael.
Another bright spot in the dunder mifflin landscape our new waste-pulp re-purposing plant in milford.
Hey,phyllis,are you just getting back from lunch now? Bob took me to capello's.
We got a little tipsy.
Okay,shouldn't be telling me that stuff and also shouldn't be taking two hour lunches without telling me.
Oh,it's okay,michael esesn't really care about these things.
I care about 'em and I'm just as much of a boss as michael.
What's so funny? I'm a co-manager.
That doesn't make you a boss.
It's not like you can fire people or anything.
Well,who How did you Who told you this? - We can't say.
- Ryan.
Sorry,I'm plastered.
Okay,who else has heard the rumor that I am not as much in charge as michael? Stuff gets around.
I don't participate.
Who here heard it from ryan? Does an email count? - Yes.
- Then yeah.
I am just as much of a boss as michael and I can do anything that michael can do.
All right.
Who here believes that I have as much power as michael? I forgot I have to support him no matter what.
Close one.
These questions are bush league.
You should get up and say something.
You gotta be true to what's in there.
Don't be a wuss.
I've always been the guy who can rally other people to rebel.
In high school,I organized a walk out over standardized testing.
Got over 500 students j just skip the sats.
At the last second I chickened out,took it anyway,got a 1220.
Always regretted it.
I feel lachrymose.
Believe me,everyone is working very hard, working weekends,struggling,trying to right the ship.
You're criminals! Hey,hey! I'm sorry these are not criminals.
They're nice.
They invited me to come here today, they invited me to their hospitality suite, where I had free food,and it was delicious.
Get this,you know how nice they are? They sent a stretch limo all the way to pick me up in scranton.
- Limousine? - Yes.
You're all corrupt.
You should be in jail! Quiet! Quiet,please! Please,quiet! Quiet,please.
We want to hear your questions.
Do you love her,or do you love the idea of her? I don't know,man.
I just don't know.
I gotta make an example out of him.
Should I just fire him? Can you actually fire people? To be honest,I don't know.
But maybe I could just yell at him in front of people.
Well,I can't really imagine you yelling at anyone.
Oh,I yell.
You've heard me yell.
I've heard you exclaim.
Like the time you said,"hey look,we parked over here.
" well,that was apple picking day.
There's no need to yell that day.
You know,I was just excited to find the car.
Perfect end to a perfect day.
Well,you'll figure it out.
Okay,we're gonna take a 15-minute break and then we're gonna answer more questions.
You haven't said anything yet and we're headed rr bankruptcy.
Yeah,well,that's not gonna happen.
That's not gonna happen.
We'll be back with se answers.
What? What answers? I Okay,I know,that you're mad at me and you're mad at all of them How are you gonna fix the company? Okay All right,we are gonna We're gonna go out there during this break and we are gonna come back with a plan.
We're gonna come back with a plan for you.
It's a 45-day plan.
Yeah! It's a One point per day We get 45 points we're back in business.
And you can take that to the bank.
And limo lady,we are going completely carbon neutral.
I love you,new york! *** How's it go Here's the thing,um,I've tried it like five different ways in my head and Oh,got one,um,I'm such a perfectionist that I'd kinda rather not do it at all,than do a crappy version.
Simple data entry though,so there's really only oneay to do it.
Sounds like you have a really specific vision for it.
Do you wanna,maybe,just take a whack at it? - You know what? - What? - I think I know the problem.
- Great.
I think you seem distracted.
Yep,that is the problem.
And you know what,I came up with something and I think it's really gonna help.
Well,I'm glad you're finally being proactive,jim.
I am too.
Let me show you.
Wow,things are really picking up.
- What was that about? - What? You were suppose to wave.
I did wave.
I did a lot more than wave.
What are we suppose to tell them now? Okay,you've dug us quite a hole.
We tell them the plan.
Right? There is no plan.
Here's what we're gonna do.
The 45-day thing that I outlined,we go with that.
Day 45 company saved.
Day 44,go.
What have we got? We have 15 minutes.
Excuse me? Just whatever comes to mind,shout it out.
Who the hell is this guy? I am the guy who roused that crowed - Yes - Got 'em on their feet.
- They were so happy down there.
- Yes.
Who cares? Okay,all right.
Well,I know a guy This mexican guy.
Is a math whiz,he knows economics as well as he knows bullfighting and I am going to call in a little favor.
No,no,don't call anybody,michael.
Well,I'm texting him so Please do not text anybody now.
It's done.
Oh,there he is.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Gentleman,I would like u to meet oscar Come on in.
Don't be shy.
This is oscar martinez.
Oscar,why don't you come over here? Let me present you.
Step up,step up there.
Oscar is an accountant extraordinaire at the scranton branch and he has a wonderful idea as to how to get us out of this murky murky situation.
Take it away.
I think this is really gonna help.
If you can just hold up here one second.
Hey,guys,just a quick announcement.
If I could have everyone's attention.
I just figured you needed a place where you could concentrate and not be bothered by bothering people.
- Okay.
- Let me show you what I mean.
Your new office.
How great is that,right? For a job well done.
Well Not done.
I will,uh,I will do my work right now.
- I will stay late tonight.
- Right.
Um,I'm very sorry about everything.
You're a good kid.
You kn what,it gets bigger once you're in there.
Enjoy it.
Is there internet? Um Tell them what you told me.
This is genius.
Tell them about the cash flow.
And the dumping of properties and this is all It's all good,it's all good stuff.
Lay it on 'em.
I feel,as does Mr.
Scott,that we are in the best of hands,uh,capable hands That wasn't what you were sayin' to me.
He was much more articulate and that was better.
- Much better.
- I think this has gone very well.
I And I thank you.
Okay Hey,hey.
What are you doing? Michael,I didn'ask to come up here.
Wow,man,that That was embarrassing.
- For me.
- For me too.
- For you? - You embarrassed me.
You Well That was a waste of a text.
Let's get down to brass tacks.
I think that we might be in trouble.
We don't seem to have a plan so I'm thinking, I go down there,maybe rattle off a few jokes congressman could follow.
He's our best manager? Where's the off button on this moron? Uh,I'm not a moron.
Time after time,my branch leads in sales, I have personally won over 17 dundee awards,so I am not a moron.
And I'm just trying to help,you know,so you're the moron.
Yes,it is a thrill to be honored by one's company.
To have the people that you work for stop for a minute and say,"wow,great job.
That's what it's about.
" he canaake the bus.
He's had his limo ride.
That is what it's all about,not the perks.
The perks The perks,I could take or leave the perks.
Oscar! Oscar,come on! But limos are for people who make the company money not lose millions and have no plan.
So we're leaving early.
Woo-hoo! Go,go,go,go,go,go,go! Go,go,go! Did you steaththat? After all,we are the only ones with anything to celebrate.
All: scranton,scranton,scranton,scranton! Dunder mifflin! Gentlemen in the glasses.
Dwight Schrute.
Scranton branch.
I just wanna say that I've been standing in this line all day, and if this line is any indication of how this company is being run, then we are in big trouble.
Thank you.
I know.
And I just wanna say that I believe that there are options out there a taken number option like they have in a dale.
What about line varieties like an express line.
For quick comments of ten words are less, they can move much more officiantly.
What about ropes along the lines that you can hold on to.
Thank you.
Thank you for your suggestions.