The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Scott's Tots

You wanted to see me? Yeah.
Have a seat.
Is it serious? - Andy's a wittle scawed.
- Okay,right there.
Right there is the problem.
There have been reports around the office that you have been talking baby talk.
Why would people say that? Well,I have it on good authority that you said the following.
Can you read that back to me? "Andy have a boo-boo tummy.
Would you rather me say "hey,guys,my irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up"? - Okay.
- "Crazy diarrhea happening right now.
" 'cause things can get real adult,real fast.
You are also on record as saying "wittle-ittle," "footy-wutties," "num nums," "jammies," "make boom-boom," "widicuwous," and "wode iwand.
" Do I sometimes replace rs with ws? Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well,if I do,andy's sowwy.
You can't be a baby in the office.
It makes me look like I hire babies.
Well,if we're complaining, a lot of people think your elvis voice is annoying - okay,who said that? - I don't Just people.
For the record,I think it's pretty fantastic.
Well,thank you.
Thank you a lot.
And for what it's worth,I think your baby voice is tops.
- Tank you,Mr.
- **** Tuna,md,I have some terrible news.
Wait,are you the patient or the doctor? The entire office has come down with a pernicious case of the mondays.
What do you put our chances at? Unless we perform an immediate emergency morale transplant,stat! - Sounds risky.
- Don't worry.
There is a surefire cure.
Employee of the month.
Every awesome place I've worked had one.
Bear stearns.
Lehman brothers.
My summer at enron.
Wow,that's not such a bad idea.
Great! Anything else? Nope.
Frankie's dirty joke of the day? - There's a bunch of those.
- Keep.
There's a bunch of sent emails that just say "delivered.
" Should I delete all those? I want to keep those so I can see what I sent.
- That's why you have a "sent mail" folder.
- Keep.
- There's about 30 news alerts for "nip slip.
- " For what? - "Nip slip.
- " Oh,okay.
I don't know how those get there.
- Well - Must be hackers.
What's up? What if I told you I had done the worst thing ever, would you still want to be my friend? Did you murder someone? - Worse than that.
- Oh,my god.
Lurk much? I Miss pam.
I think she's okay.
Is that what we're going for now? "okay"? We used to go for "pretty good.
" Great.
Hey,how do you feel about starting an employee of the month program? Yeah.
You know what,that actually might make me feel better.
I'm not in this for the trophies,but You're not in it at all 'cause you can't be employee of the month,you're a manager.
Well,technically,I am a co-manager.
And I barely have any responsibilities.
But I work hard,I love this company,and for those reasons, I think I would make a good employee of the month.
It would look bad.
It would look good on my mantle.
jim's talking to michael right now ? they totally went for our idea.
Yeah! Your idea.
My idea.
I just need andy to think it's his idea so it won't get traced back to me.
In approximately six hours, jim will get a phone call from david wallace.
He will be fired.
Hey,pam,do you have a sec to check over this itinerary? - Looks great.
- Oh,did you really look it over? Felt like maybe you didn't.
The michael scott foundation is still in existence.
There you are.
I don't think we have finished with my inbox.
What's "scott's tots"? Has it really been ten years? "local businessman pledges college tuition to third graders.
" Michael,why did you promise that? To change lives.
No,michael,why would you promise that? Yeah,okay,I Call the school.
I can't go through with this.
We've already rescheduled seven times.
Michael,this is a terrible,terrible thing you've done.
- Well It's terrible.
- No.
Just terrible.
And the longer you put it off,the worse it's gonna get.
I just I fell in love with these kids.
And I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system.
So I made them a promise.
I told them that if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education.
I've made some empty promises in my life, but hands down,that was the most generous.
Just tell me it is going to be okay,all right? - No! - I'm not a bad news person.
I bring good news.
Like when I promised those kids i'd pay for college.
All right.
You have to tell them.
Would you come with me? You know,like old times instead of I can print out a new itinerary with pam's name on it.
It's fine.
Erin,you're going to go.
And you're going to make sure michael tells the truth.
Agh,god,you know what,could this day get any worse? Hey,jimmy,what's up? - Not much.
- Cool.
Very cool.
I bet if you tried,you uld grow the best beard of anyone in this office.
- That laugh is so infectious.
- You're creeping me out.
I'm gonna go.
I didn't mean any of those things I just said.
And you can expect the same thing from everyone in this office if you don't nip this whole employee of the month situation in the bud.
Make it about the work.
Let me guess,you think you should get it.
This encompasses all available data.
Unconfirmed sick days.
Everyone has been assigned a random number for total fairness and transparency.
Also,this should be accompanied by a monetary prize.
Well,in an ideal world In an ideal world,I would have all ten fgers on my left hand so my right hand could just be a fist for punching.
Okay,if it's all the same to you, i'm just gonna take away "survival skills" and "self-defense.
" I'm gonna run this by toby in accounting and have him assemble the data.
That's okay.
I'll do it.
Hey,mikela lasker.
- How are you? - I'm good.
Good to see you.
Where's your saxophone? It's in the music room,Mr.
Eighth grade graduation,she gave a rendition of when the saints go marn that would blow your freaking mind.
Well,you didn't even hear it.
- Everyone's so excited that you're here today.
- Oh,good.
Now,I know you probably want to see everyone, but I was wondering if I could ask you some questions first.
- Sure.
- You're famous.
the *** - I'm sure you remember this place.
- Oh,ye.
- Do you want to go in? - No,not at all.
Come on.
Oh,you know what,you know what,I shouldn't go in there.
I'm pretty busy.
I should We just want to say thanks.
Scott,I know you're a busy man and your schedule moves around a lot, but through all your generosity through the years,your tots, who are ready to graduate, thought it was time to give you a proper thank you.
Scott ? what you gonna do? what you gonna do? Make our dreams come true ? hey,Mr.
Scott,what you gonna do? what you gonna do? Make our dreams come true ? you came into our lives and made a promise ? that made us honest,made us realize ? we don't need to compromise 'cause we can have it all ? 'cause you made it possible ? for us to achieve the improbable ? hey,Mr.
Scott,what you gonna do? what you gonna do? Make our dreams come true ? hey,so jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in So jim thought it would be ideal if we all pitched in a twenty for this whole employee of the month thing.
Jim said that? He thought you were doing an incredible job last month.
Jim said that? You seem surprised.
That makes total sense.
- Hey,buddy.
- Sure.
So every Five minutes ahead of schedule.
Right on schedule.
Politicians are always coming around telling us they're going to fix our schools.
Promising this and that.
But you,Mr.
Scott You are actually doing it.
You have taught these kids, with hard work that anything is possible.
You are a dream maker.
And I thank you.
I thank you.
So much.
There were a lot of times over the years where I was pressured to get into the drug game.
But I always thought back to my guardian angel And the gift that you gave me.
So I just want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to go to college, educate myself,and become the next president obama.
Okay,ladies and gentlemen,welcome.
I know you're all very excited.
But no matter who gets this, I just wanted to say that you guys are all employees of the month in my eyes.
And the winner is employee number nine.
And that is? Number nine,number nine.
Jim halpert.
What? - Are you kidding me? - Oh,no.
Okay,wait,I was not I did not I did not.
That was not.
How come not? Guys,listen,this was anonymous,all right? There's no way I could've given it to myself because I didn't even know who was on here.
I just gave it to the employee with the highest overall score.
To my tally,you just won back your own parking spot, a vacation day,and a nice,tidy quarter of $1,000 from all of us.
Will everybody just stop for a second, 'cause obviously I'm not taking any of it.
A mistake has been made and we'll figure it out.
Second of all,there was no cash prize.
- Yes.
- Dwight? Yeah,you said "in an ideal world, there would be a cash prize.
" Isn't that what you said? No,dwight,I meant "yes,in a perfect world, someone would get money,but not " yeah,but in your perfect world,only you get money.
Let's put your hands together and give a warm welcome for the man of the hour,Mr.
Michael scott.
All right.
Um,I am never going to forget today.
Not a chance.
I don't think I could ever give back to you what you have given me today.
Who here has done something stupid in their lives, like skipped out on study hall or mix up the difference between "a" gym and "b" gym,that sort of thing? Show of hands.
Bunch of you.
Well,me too.
I've done something stupid,whh I would like to share.
Um Should we go? Oh,no.
We're okay.
It's a It's a double period.
All right.
I came here today because I promised you tuition.
And tuition is very valuable.
But you know what's invaluable is intuition.
You know what that is? That is the ability to know when something is about to happen.
Does anybody out there have intuition? Know what's gonna happen next? Nobody? Okay.
You're gonna make me say it.
All right,I am so proud of all of you.
Derrick,and lefervre,and And ben,and ayana,and mikela,and nikki,and jason,and I'm Sorry,okay.
Your name.
I'm zion.
I'm mikela's younger brother.
Well,zion,I am not going to be paying for your tuition.
Which brings me to my main point and that is that I will not be able to pay for anybody's tuition.
I'm so,so sorry.
- You're kidding.
- Excuse me? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
You lied to us.
I lied to myself too.
I'm not a millionaire.
I thought I would be by the time I was 30,but I wasn't even close.
And then I thought maybe by the time I was 40.
But by 40,I had less money than when I was 30.
Maybe by my 50s,I don't know.
I wanted to pay for your education.
I really did.
It was my dream.
Some people have evil dreams.
Some people have selfish dreams or wet dreams.
My dream was in the right place.
You owe this to us.
Okay,hold on.
Hold on.
Now I can't pay for your college.
But you don't have to go to class to be in class.
Online courses are a viable option to a traditional college experience.
And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop.
Which is rendered useless without batteries.
And I have one for each of you.
Hey,hold Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
They're lithium.
Look,there was a big mistake,obviously,so I will fix it.
Okay? This was your idea anyway.
It was my idea.
- Okay.
- My idea.
Guys,I'm starting to think pam's not even pregnant.
For the record,I am pregnant.
And,obviously,there's been some kind of a mistake.
So why doesn't jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.
- Yeah.
- That's fair.
- Fine.
- Excellent idea,pam.
- Thank you.
That would be employee number three,which is Son of a bitch! Pam halpert.
How is that possible? No offense,pam.
But how the hell is tt possible? There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
No,wait,come on.
I - I didn't Miss a day.
I came in early.
I stayed late.
And I doubled my sales last month.
Oh,really,from what,two to four? yep.
Guys,this isn't some elaborate scam,okay? Hi,I have an order here for a custom cake,jim halpert.
That is me,but I didn't order the cake.
- Look who it is.
- "It could only be you.
- " Way to go.
- He knew all along.
David wallace's office.
This is kevin malone.
Is david there? No,he's in his weekly staff meeting.
Can I take a message? Tellim I'm mad at jim, 'cause he's asking us to give money to pam.
This is stanley hudson.
Jim halpert is a menace.
It's toby flenderson.
Listen,things are getting really bad down here.
Erin,can you give us a second? That was messed up what you did.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Who does something like that? Who promises that to a bunch of kids and then just doesn't come through like that? What can I do? You can pay for my college.
I can give you an extra laptop battery.
Not everyone took one.
How about this If you can find a way to pay for your tuition, let me buy your books,okay? They're expensive.
Yeah,well,I owe you that at least,right? It's about $1,000.
That's That's over $200 a year.
No,$1,000 each year.
For Okay.
Here's what I'm gonna do, i'm gonna write four checks for $1,000 each.
I'm going to date them one year apart.
Now,you are to use one check a year.
- And please call me before you cash the check.
- Yeah.
'Cause I've got monies to move around,okay? Make it out to my mom,ros that's a lot of zeroes.
- This is jim.
- Jim,what the hell is happening there? - Hey,uh,david.
- Yes.
So there was a little bit of a miscommunication here today.
It's been a little wild.
Uh,but I am on it.
Just so I understand,you started employee of the month, give it to yourself,then people complain, so you give it to your wife? - No.
- Am I missing something? I really don't know how it happened,david.
I know how it happened.
Jim,I bumped you up because I thought you could make my life easier.
If you can't do that,we're gonna have a separate discussion.
All right,it will not happen again.
I promise.
Uh,hey,I'm sorry.
I'm taking this out on you.
It's been crazy here.
You know I think you're doing a great job,right? - What? - Yeah.
Thank you.
- No.
- Okay.
Hey,we still on for dinner this weekend? - What? - Yes.
- Oh,you're kidding me! - See you.
Damn it! hey,Mr.
Scott,what you gonna do? what you gonna do? Make our dreams come true ? hey,Mr.
Scott,what you gonna do? please stop.
I destroyed 15 young lives today.
- No.
- Yes.
There's financial aid.
Uh,they could join the army or the navy.
You're what,like,12? The principal told me that 90% of scott's tots are on track to graduate and that's 35% higher than the rest of the school.
So I think that if you hadn't made that promise, a lot of them would've dropped out, which is something to think about,I think.
I think you're doing a great job.
Really? What do you want from this job, provided the company doesn't go out of business? I've always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant.
- Really? - Yes.
But I'm terrible at math so You know,when I hired kevin, he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
I just sort of had a feeling about him.
I have a feeling about you too.
Scott,what you gonnao? what you gonna do? Make our dreams come true ? hey,Mr.
Scott,what you gonna do? what you gonna do? Make our dreams come true ? yeah.
see you tomorrow,dwight.
- How's it going? Good day? - Not now,temp.
I know about your diabolical plan.
What? Diabolical plan? **** I found a copy of it hin the copier tray.
So what do you want? I want the same thing you want.
I want to take jim halpert down.
I want in.