The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Secret Santa

- Attention, everyone! Jim and I, on behalf of - Too loud.
- The party planning committee, - Too too loud, too loud.
- Have an annou-- But effective.
Look.
On behalf of jim and I, Merry christmas.
Merry christmas.
- Good.
- My diabolical plot is on hold for christmas.
My heart just melts with the sound of children singing.
Not really.
I'm just tired.
The days are short.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm depressed.
It is time to unveil the tree.
- Hey, rockefeller center.
- Yeah.
- Uh, I've actually been to rock center, And this is nothing like that.
- This is all we have.
- Ugh.
- Nope, it's not "ugh.
" It is office camaraderie.
- It is warm feelings.
- Why don't we talk more about it instead of doing it? - 30, 29, 28 - Why would you start so high? - 27 - 3, 2, 1 - 26 - Ooh.
- Ah.
- You didn't decorate it.
- No, exactly.
- We didn't, because we think It would be better to do it together.
- Everyone.
- Why would you wrap it in a sheet If you're not covering anything up? - Is--is it fake? - Pam.
- Yes! We are unveiling an artificial tree.
That will never die - Yes.
- Like the spirit of christmas.
- And we're supposed to applaud you For you taking a giant diaper off a fake tree? - This was a successful unveiling.
Go back to work! Merry christmas.
- Hello.
Sorry, guys.
Sorry, guys.
I'm not sure I've earned the right To make announcements yet, But whoever is giving me the twelve days of christmas As my secret santa, Please stop.
I can't take it anymore.
My cat killed a turtledove.
The french hens have started pulling out my hair To make a nest.
Please stop.
- What psycho would send that as a gift? - I begged dwight and jim To give me erin for secret santa.
And I decided to give erin the twelve days of christmas.
Bowtie time.
Is it my fault that the first eight days There's basically - Ho, ho, ho! Merry christmas, boys and girls.
It's me, santa claus.
- Hey, santa.
- They finally let you do it.
- Congrats, phyl.
- It's so edgy.
- I have been wanting to be santa for years.
I believe I have the right temperament And the figure to do the job well.
I slipped a note to jim And he said I could do it.
ohIt's been a long journey But I'm santa claus! - So, santa, what can we expect from this party? - It's going to be a very jolly time If you've been good.
- What if you've been bad? - Oh, then nothing but a lump of coal for you.
- What if you've been really, really bad? More "evil" than strictly "wrong.
" - Hey, creed, we covered it.
Lump of coal.
- For the past several weeks, My secret santa has been giving me pieces of a machine That I've been attempting to assemble.
I'm suspicious of this, Because I had the exact same idea For catching osama bin laden.
I would simply send him a different piece each day.
He would assemble it To find himself In jail! - You know, oscar, every time I make this lasagna, People ask me if it's a family recipe.
But reallyI just get the recipe from the box.
- That's funny.
- Is it funny? I thought it was more Interesting than funny.
I think my water just broke.
- That's too funny.
- Oscar and the warehouse guy.
Go, oscar! Go, gay warehouse guy! - Here'sSanta! Hey, little girl, what would you like for christmas? Ooh! You have been a very naughty girl, I see.
- Michael, we already have a santa--phyllis.
- What the hell is going on? Phyllis, jim? Phyllis is santa.
- Yeah.
- Phyllis.
- Yeah.
I told her a long time ago she could do it.
- Take it back.
That is absurd.
- No.
I'm not gonna do that.
- No--no! Jim, come on! - I think she'll do a good job.
- It's insane! A woman santa? Where does it stop? No! Jim, this may be the last christmas that we have here.
Doesn't it make you a tiny bit anxious Me not playing santa? Come on! - I'm not gonna go tell phyllis that she can't be santa.
- Fine.
Then do it anonymously.
Ransom note style.
You can You know what? I have a bunch of letters cut out of magazines in my desk.
You can use those.
If this were russia, yeah.
Sure, everybody would go to one santa.
And there would be a line around the block, And once you sat on her lap And she asked you what you wanted, You would say, probably, "freedom" At which point the kgb would arrest you And send you to siberia.
It's a good thing russia doesn't exist anymore.
Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho! Why pay more to sit next to old tranny claus over there When you can sit on my lap? Phyllis is only pretending to be a man.
I'm the real thing! Sit down on my lap, and there will be no doubt! No, it's not, like, penis-wise.
Hello, little boy! What's your name? - Michael, it's me, kevin.
Phyllis says I'm too big for her lap.
- Oh, I am so sorry that phyllis hates you And hates your body.
But santa remembers a reindeer That was just a tiny bit different as well.
- When can I sit on your lap? - Right now! Come on over here, big boy! There we go! oh, my god.
- It's really comfortable.
what would you like for christmas, little boy? - I don't know.
I-I didn't know you were gonna ask me that.
- Well, what did you think was going to happen? - I didn't know.
Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.
- all right, just say some toys, please.
- Can you give me some choices? 'cause I really don't wanna mess up on this list.
- damn it, kevin.
Come on.
- What about if I tell you the things I don't want? - Okay--get off! Get off! Off! oh, jee--god! - I didn't even get to tell you what I wanted.
- Okay, you know what you get? You get a thousand helium balloons attached to you So santa doesn't have to go through this again.
oh! - Awesome.
- Well? - I'm trying, phyllis.
You're santa.
- The only santa.
- That's what I want.
- You promised me this.
Don't make me get bob involved.
- What would bob do? - Never mind.
I shouldn't have said that.
- Does it hurt? - It stings a lot.
- Ehh.
- I keep trying to figure out who's sending me these gifts.
- I know, right? - So far, no one will admit to it.
Is it you? - yeah! Totally.
I admit it.
It's me.
- Oh.
Seriously? - Seriously? are you serious? - Is--what--you-- - Yeah.
Totally serious.
I'm your secret santa.
Busted! - There he is.
- Hey, man.
- Is matt around? I've got his check.
- Uh, matt is on a delivery.
Just leave it here.
I'll take it.
- Ah.
I'll just wait for him.
- Matt's a pretty good-lookin' dude, don't you think? - I'll just leave it here with ya.
- What? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Come here! - I'm doing something here.
- Come on! Ah Ho, ho, ho! Come on, I need this.
Come over here! - What are you talking-- - just sit down.
- No, no, no, no, no, no! - Is everything okay? - Yep.
Yeah.
Ryan and I are just having some fun.
- Can I just talk to you for a second? - Whoop! Okay, what? - You can't yell out, "I need this, I need this," As you pin down an employee on your lap.
- Okay.
You know what, jim? With two santas in the room, things get ruthless.
- Yeah.
- Do you understand? You forced my hand.
- Okay.
Michael, it's phyllis.
We want phyllis as santa.
- Oh, do we? Do we? Is that what we want? Why don't we take a vote on it? - Great.
- Hey! Okay, everybody.
The office is being pulled apart.
I realize that.
There are traditions at stake.
And there are women-- - who wants phyllis as santa? - No, no, no! Wait! No! There are other choices.
There's information that we-- are you kidding me, kevin? After you almost killed me? - Michael, I had you.
I just wanna try phyllis.
- And if you want michael as santa, raise your hand.
Can I get you some punch? - I--no.
I'll get some punch.
- Oh! - Michael! - Excuse me.
Whoever has been sending me the parts to this gun, I think you sent me a gear instead of a trigger.
- How do you know it's a gun? - What else does it look like? - Not a gun.
- Well, I don't have all the pieces yet.
- Well, unless the missing pieces is a gun, You don't have a gun.
Not a gun.
- In the north pole, I spend many nights alone Tinkering with toys.
So today, let's put a twinkle In old kris kringle's eye.
Let the party begin! - Whoa! - Yay! - I don't ask for much from christmas.
I really don't.
It's not like I am begging people to Buy me diamonds and Brooch pendants.
Oh, buy me something expensive, Or I'm gonna kill myself.
That's not I don't care about that! All I wanna be is santa.
AndYou want to take that away from me, fine.
Go ahead.
But when you need my help because I am ruining everything, Don't look at me! - Behold Jesus christ.
And I bring to you Glad christmas tidings.
I want to remind everyone The true meaning of christmas.
Those of you who wish to join me, That's great, I am excited by that.
And those of you who don't, I forgive you.
But I never forget.
- Oh, wow, michael.
This must be obvious how wrong this is.
- OhThe antichrist.
- Okay, you can't-- - sss! - Ow! Look-- you cannot push religion.
- Oh, but I can push drugs in here.
Is that what you're saying? - No! You-- - Well, you have to pick one or the other.
Your choice.
Pick your poison.
Get back to me.
In the meantime I am going to spread my goodness All over this company! - Hey, phyllis? Could you not reveal to erin that I'm her secret santa? - All right, sweetie, I'll just tell her it's michael.
- Okay.
âTª I saw three ships âTª âTª come sailing in âTª - have you talked to him? - What - Matt.
- Is it that obvious? OhHey.
- Mm.
Good pate, right? Oscar made it.
Have you met oscar? - I don't think so.
Hey, oscar, come here.
- âTª on christmas day in the morning âTª Oscar, this is matt, And, um, matt loves your pate.
- I had some.
- Oscar's pate's great.
I could eat it all day, every day.
Mm.
How come the good ones are never straight, right? - Okay, pam.
- Okay.
Yes.
They're the only two gay guys I know.
But they should be together.
- This just arrived From the dunder mifflin north pole branch.
- We don't have a north pole branch.
Idiot! uh-oh, what's dwight gonna get? What is it? - Yes! - Oh, yes.
It's space garbage.
Dwight's gonna be able to build himself a friend.
âTª deck the halls with crappyâTª - And stanley, ho, ho, ho! You've been very good this year.
- I have.
- Yeah, except for cheating on your wife.
Adultery's a sin.
Look it up in the bible, people.
What'd he get? - He got scented candles.
- Oh.
Well, that's appropriate.
A lotta fire where you're going.
Better get used to it.
You're going to h-e-l-l, double hockey sticks.
Goin' to hell, stanley.
- Amen.
- And this brings us to you, little one.
- I can't see from here, people.
Somebody shout it out.
Don't make me get up.
- It's fabric.
I really wanted this.
- That's fantastic! You can make another dress that goes past your feet.
- Andy, was this you? - It's a secret.
- No, andy hadErin.
- That-- - michael! - You-- - What, was I not supposed to say? what--turn it back on.
- No.
- Yes, michael.
What is so urgent? - David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as.
- I'm not going to guess.
You can tell me, or I will hang up.
- I will give you a hint.
His last name is christ.
He has the power of flight.
He can heal leopards.
- Michael-- - I am jesus, david.
And you know why? Because phyllis, a woman, Has "uslurped" my role as santa.
- Michael, this is a very, very bad time.
- Really? What's going on? - Stephanie, can you hop off, please? - Sure, david.
- What the hell? How rude! Does she do that all the time? - Do you want me off this call too, michael? - Hey--what? Get off! Get off the phone! listen I shouldn't tell you this, but the company has a buyer.
The board will have no choice but to approve, And they are going to clean house.
- What does that mean? - I'll be fired.
- WellCan't alan protect you? - Alan will be out too.
All of us.
Good-bye, michael.
oh, my god.
- Earlier today, this office needed a santa.
And then it needed a second santa.
And then it needed a jesus.
Now, it needs a michael.
And that's one suit phyllis cannot fit into.
- hey How's everybody doing? - Not great.
You heckled santa for an hour and a half.
- That was a different guy.
That was jesus.
Jesus sort of ruined the party.
Hurt, petulant jesus.
- Are you serious? That is so offensive.
- You know what's even more offensive Is bailing on this party because some Jerk ruined the first part of it.
Dwight, come here.
Here's my debit card.
I want you to go pick up a bunch of pizzas And meet me in the conference room.
- What's your pin number? - IDon't want to say.
But it's fun to stay at the âTª it's fun to stay at the âTª - Where? Holiday inn.
I don't-- - I-I thought that you would like it.
- It was a little much, andy.
- Well, it's the thought that counts.
- WhatWere you thinking? - I suppose a gentleman might throw in the towel At this point.
Guess what.
Not gonna happen.
- You know what, Christmas isn't about santa or jesus.
It's about the workplace.
All of you Feel like my family.
Ryan, you are my son, And Pam, you're my wife, and jim And angela and phyllis, you are myGrandmas.
And stanley, you'reOur mailman.
And I can't help but look At all your wonderful, beautiful faces And think, "how could they do this to us?" - How could who do what to us? - That's--not--nothing-- - why-- - It's just - We deserve to know.
- We're going out of business! - What? - What? - You are kidding me.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Who said that? - David told me on the phone.
- When did he tell you, today? - Earlier today, he said - Oh! - We have been sold.
- What? - Aah! - Dwight! - Come on! - Michael, wait.
So they said we are sold.
- David is gone, alan is gone.
We're all gone.
- Okay, but we haven't gone under.
We've been sold, and that can mean many different things.
- It's hard for me to imagine a scenario Where meredith palmer keeps her job, And david wallace does not-- no offense, meredith.
- No, I get it.
- I'll call him.
I'll call david.
- No, you won't, because he's not picking up his phone.
- Yes, I will, because I always know how to get through to him.
He told me where his kids go to school.
I call the school.
I tell them I'm the pediatrician.
They patch me through to his secretary.
I use my little girl voice.
Badda-bing, badda-boom.
- Hey, sweetie, what is it? - It's not sweetie.
It's michael scott.
- What the hell-- - Stephanie, could you hop off, please? - Michael-- I have never-- - David-- - never, ever-- - David, you are on speakerphone with the entire branch And the warehouse.
- Hi, david.
- Hey, david.
- Hi, everyone.
- David, they do not believe me When you told me that everyone was canned.
- You weren't supposed to tell anyone, michael.
- Well, I think we're past that now.
- I am not supposed-- Okay, guys, I was really only talking about Alan, myself, and a few other execs you don't know.
- Oh, my god, david, that'sHorrible.
- How about us? It's meredith.
By the way, your wife is a very lucky woman.
- Look, they're buying the company for the distribution.
You guys are the only thing about this company that works.
So congratulations.
- We're not fired? - No.
No, congratulations.
- All right! - Yeah! - It's a christmas miracle! - Yeah! - Whoo-hoo! - âTª walk a lonely road âTª âTª only one that I have ever known âTª âTª don't know where it goes âTª âTª but it's all to me and I walk alone âTª It's true.
We all walk alone at some point.
âTª âTª - Jim - Come onShall we? - âTª I walk alone âTª - jim! âTª I walk a âTª âTª my shadow's âTª âTª the only one that walks beside me âTª âTª my shallow heart's the only thing that's beating âTª - Wow.
- Yeah.
That was-- that was the idea.
- Thank you.
- Awesome.
- Thanks, man.
- âTª christmas tree âTª - âTª thou leaves are so âTª - wait a minute.
- Of course! - Oh! You got it? - Ha ha! - What is that? - I have no idea.
- Huh - Well Maybe those'll help.
- Michael, please.
Come on.
- Sorry.
- Sure.
- Nice to meet you, oscar.
- Nice to meet you, mark.
- It's matt.
- Right, matt.
I know what I'm doing, pam.
- Oh, man! I can use this for so many nuts--macadamias, Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds.
Clams.
Snails.
- Hi, santa.
- Hi, michael.
Okay.
I'd like to make a wish.
- what? - I would like an xbox and A tv that's compatible with an xbox.
And I'm sorry.
An xbox it is, Because I've decided you're a good boy.
- Scott.
What in the hell is going on here? - No, no, no.
- You called bob? Phyllis! - I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
It's was earlier today.
- Okay.
- Hi, sweetheart.
- You okay, baby? - I'm good, baby.
- Oh, god.
Get a room, santas.
- Thank you, santa.
It's a little slippery out here.
- Oh, my god.
- Twelve drummers drumming.
Merry Christmas, Aaron.
Sing it away, boys.