The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Banker

But first, an investment banker has to drop by And sign off on our branch.
And I'm pretty nervous about it.
And I'mMaking some cosmetic tweaks To help create a more appealing environment.
Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way.
When you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra And your fake eyelhes and your makeup, And your press-on nails, The principles that I'm applying to the office Are the same ones that have made lady gaga a star.
Or any number of drag queens.
[cheerful music] Hi.
[in a robotic voice] hello, eric ward.
Welcome to dunder mifflin.
I am computron, your answer to everything.
I see you've met computron, our virtual helper.
I'm michael scott.
Welcome, welcome.
Computron is just one of the many modern devices That I have incorporated into the office.
Watch this.
- Yes? What is the world's largest ocean? Calculating.
Pacific! Pacific ocean.
Pretty cool, huh? Great news, michael.
We're now the official paper supplier of the nfl.
That is fantastic.
It's good, but it's not good enough.
Keep working.
And here's pam.
She's our international sales consultant.
Hello-- The nfl celebrated its 50th anniversary In 1972.
i>- Ola.
Ni hao.
It might seem crazy, But since there's no one left in new york, Michael is dunder mifflin's highest ranking employee.
So that's where we are.
Hello, stanley.
For the record, not on board with fake stanley.
Although I get it.
Uh, I just need to check out your warehouse And then talk to your h.
That is pretty much the only reason That I came here today.
Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit Since you made the trip out.
And I got us reservations at coopers seafood.
You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right? Yeah.
They make the best maine lobster in the world.
You'll love it.
Mul yam in tel aviv is better.
No, computron, Actually, I think coopers is the best.
You're gonna love it.
Are you calling me wrong? Oh, my god.
It's called due diligence.
Basically I confirm inventory, take a head count, See if there are any h.
I'm a glorified fact checker.
Actually, I am a fact checker.
All right.
'scuse me, if you will-- Hey, michael, Do you think I could get a space heater-- I want to introduce you to The crack h.
Rep that you requested.
I give you toby flenderson.
Have fun, you two.
Oh, we will.
Have a seat.
I left a copy of best american mystery stories 1999 In toby's favorite stall, So yes, I think I bought us some time.
Um, the manager, michael scott Is a bit of a character.
He has more character In a single flake of his dandruff Than you have in that entire snowbank On your shoulder.
So what was the question? What are--are you doing at my desk? Ignore him.
He's the local lunatic.
Come on, dwight.
Get out of here.
Dwight? Who is this dwight? Oh.
You mean dwight shrute.
The company's top salesman and the creator of computron.
I wear many hats, But the one I'm wearing currently Is that gracious host.
[chuckles] Welcome.
Hey, toby flenderson.
Nice to meet you.
How can I help? Um, are there any outstanding liability issues To be aware of? What do you mean? Well, safety issues or injuries That could leave the company open to any potential lawsuits.
Um Nothing comes to mind.
Get off of the lift, please.
Come on, now.
- I'm fine, I'm fine.
Would you--look.
You've gotta-- Whoa, oh, oh! [lift beeping] We'll get somebody to clean that up.
We're the ones that gotta clean that up.
I feel very blessed.
Dah! [thudding sound] Bon appetit! Drop that sucker.
YeahBingo! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, crap.
[car alarm honking] - Do it! - Yeah! Today, smoking is gonna save lives.
[all shouting at once] Okay, okay, okay - Get out of the way! - Oscar! Stay alive, I'm getting help.
- Pull me up! - You're too heavy.
I only weigh 82 pounds.
[cat howling] Save bandit.
[bandit meowing, crashing sounds] [bandit shrieks] Seriously, you're gonna sit in back.
Uh, yeah.
It's the safest part of a car.
In the event of a crash, Driver always protects his side first.
[tires screech] [labored breathing] Grr--aah! Hah! Ah! - [screaming] My head! Ah! No! [screaming] I got you, I got you.
[continues screaming] [bat squeaking] You're welcome.
- So the staff-- - mm-hmm.
Are the people generally happy? [laughs] Oh Happy's a funny word.
In what way? You know, uh, You know, what does it mean to be happy? Keep philosophers busy for a while.
So generally.
- Yes.
- Generally.
- Generally happy.
- Generally [growling] Ow! - [gasps] - gah! I don't know what streets we missed--ow! What are you doing? It would be better if you were unconscious.
Ow! - Try my googie -googie.
Try my googie-googie.
Try my-- - Excuse me.
- Don't touch me, hey! Ow, ow! Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa! Can't we all just get along? Or have we forgotten the words Of the reverend king? - What about non-safety issues In terms of liability? Sexual harassment, anything like that? Oh, I don't know.
You--you don't know? I don't know.
You're the head of human resources.
- I don't know.
- Okay.
How about that hot picture you have by your desk? Centerfold in the catholic school girls outfit? I mean, it is hot, it is sexy, And it turns him on.
And I will admit, The best part of my morning is staring at it.
But what, are we just gonna take it away? That is my daughter.
She goes to catholic girls' school.
Come in.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Oh, my god.
What are you doing? What are you doing? - But you said, "come in"! - No, I didn't, just-- - Oh, my god.
- Please-- What's wrong with my outfit? You might consider pulling it down a touch.
Bunch of prudes.
You know, oscar's allowed to wear sandals, But I'm not allowed to wear open-toed shoes? Is that how it goes? - Meredith, your boob is out.
- Fine.
- No.
- Too far, meredith, too far.
Damn it, meredith, where are your panties? It's casual day.
Come here.
Give me a kiss.
Come on.
Michael, come on.
You don't have to worry.
I'm not gonna report you to h.
I'm not worried.
You know what, the only thing I am worried about Is getting a boner.
I'm not gonna read aloud Your submitted medical conditions.
When you hear yours read, Please raise your hand to indicate that it is real.
If you do not raise your hand, it will not be covered.
Number one, inverted penis.
Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
I thought your vagina was removed During your hysterectomy.
The uterus is different from a vagina.
I still have a vagina.
Attention, everyone, hello.
Uh, yes, I just want you to know that, uh, This is not my decision.
You can consider this my retirement from comedy.
Does that include "that's what she said"? - Mm -hmm.
Wow, that is really hard.
You really think you can go all day long? Well.
You always left me satisfied and smiling, so.
That's what she said.
[laughing loudly] - michael.
Michael! Why did you get it so big? That's what she said.
Does the skin look red and swollen? That's what she said.
That's my joke.
Damn it, dwight.
How about the phyllis-angela dispute? You already did me.
That's what she said.
Is there any mustard? No mustard.
No mustard.
JustEat it.
Eat it, phyllis.
Dip it in the water So it'll slide down your gullet more easily.
All: That's what she said.
No, no, no, not that.
Just--come on, you guys.
Let's do it.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this.
I don't wanna lie.
And I don't wanna tell the truth.
Hey, tobes.
Whatcha doin'? What you guys talking about? Well, eric's just going over some stuff.
I love stuff.
It's h.
Stuff? H.
Right up my alley.
What is that? What kind of stuff is that? It's, um, it's a company evaluation form.
- We're talking about, uh-- - talking about, uh, what? Uh, waste is next.
Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage? No, waste of time and resources.
Time and resources.
Look, you know, in any company, There's gonna be a certain degree-- No, no, no, no, no.
Respectfully toby, no.
No, this company does not waste time or resources ever.
[dwight and michael screaming] Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho! - Whoo-hoo! - [laughing] - Here we go.
- Go, go, go! Dig deep, dig deep.
[screaming] Oh, oh, oh! - It's phyllis.
- It's phyllis.
Phyllis by a nose.
Gold medal in flernuntin.
Where is my desk? That is weird.
Happy holidays, dwight.
But do not open it until christmas.
You're so pathetic.
Well, I hope it was worth it.
'cause I'm gonna take it apart in about five minutes.
I think it'll take you a little bit longer than that.
If I can skin a mule dear in less than ten minutes, I ought to be able to cut-- Oh! Damn it! Jim! Okay, hold on, hold on.
Judge is in session.
What is the problem here? - He put my stuff in jell-o again.
[laughs] [in a low-pitched voice] burn, boom, shake, ah! Why, hello everybody.
- [growling] - whoa, what are you doing? - Come on.
- Stop.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Question, what kind of bear is best? It's a ridiculous question.
Black bear.
Well, that's debatable.
There are basically two schools of thought.
Bears eat beets.
- Oh - Bears, beets Battlestar galactica.
Bears do not-- What is going on? What are you doing? Identity theft is not a joke, jim.
Millions of families suffer every year.
- Michael! - Oh, that's funny.
Michael! Is anyone near retirement age? This is creed.
And he is charge of Something.
Right? That is correct.
- Say hi to the kids.
- Hi, kids.
You ever seen a foot with four toes? Kids: Ew! Stop it, stop it.
Just--no, no, no, no, no! Would you cut it out? Okay, ryan.
You told toby that creed has "a distinct old man smell"? I know exactly what he's talking about.
I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel In my desk drawer.
Very nutritious, but they smell like death.
Hey, where's dwight? You didn't hear? Decapitated.
Whole big thing.
We had a funeral for a bird.
I'm pretty sure none of that's real.
You're not real, man.
Uh, yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with h.
So Well, I think I'm gonna be here for a while.
This is a building where friends become lovers, And lovers become sexually interactive.
Right? Would you agree with that? Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about.
That's--that is true.
What? Mm.
[scoffs] I like you.
But you need to access your uncrazy side.
Darryl philbin is the most complicated man That I have ever met.
I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that? I'm so happy we don't have to break up now, ryan! Mm, mm, mm.
This is the best day of my whole life.
When I said that I wanted to have kids And you said that you wanted me to have a vasectomy, What did I do? And then when you said that you might wanna have kids And I wasn't so sure, who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said You definitely didn't wanna have kids, Well, it reversed back.
Snip-snap, snip-snap, snip-snap! I did.
- Okay.
You have no idea the physical toll That three vasectomies have on a person.
Kelly, I'm your boss now.
Okay? You can't keep talking to me like I'm your boyfriend.
Oh, big strong man.
Fancy new whatever.
I don't think you ever cared about me.
I never cared about you? Six months ago, karen filipelli Sent me an email asking me out.
I said no because I was committed to our relationship.
Well, I hope you're still committed Because I'm pregnant.
This is an image That I want you people to remember For a long time to come.
Whenever you come into the office, I want you to think about this.
We don't need to.
- Yes, we do.
- What? Oh, my god.
Oh! Ah! - Oh! - Ah! Ah.
Oh I did it.
[sniffles] - Thank you.
- Thank you.
Jim has got it bad for pam.
Oh, ho.
Which one is pam? - What? - Nothing.
What? I don't know.
What? Oh, my god.
Do you want to tell me something? You look like you wanna tell me something.
You look like you have something really important to say And you just can't for some reason.
Come on, you can tell me.
You can tell me anything.
You have new music? Yeah.
[travis' sing] * * Yeah! [laughter] Look inside.
* you've been going so crazy * Oh, my god! * lately, nothing seems to be going right * * solo-- * I bet jim got the job.
I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified and smart.
Everyone loves him.
If he never comes back again, It's okay.
We're friends.
We just-- we never got the timing right.
But you know what? It's okay.
I'm totally fine.
Everything is gonna be totally-- Pam.
Um, are you free for dinner tonight? - Yes.
- All right.
Then it's a date.
* * * colder, crying over your shoulder * I'm sorry, what was the question? Oh, my god.
Will you marry me? Oh, my god.
[cheering] * na na na na * * but if you sing, sing * * sing * * sing, sing, sing * * for the love you bring * * won't mean a thing * * unless you sing * * sing, sing, sing * [music stops abruptly] - Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
It's nice to meet you all.
- Good to meet you.
- Have a great day.
- I hope to see you soon.
- Yeah.
I feel very sorry for that banker Because he has to evaluate what we are worth.
He has to decide what we're capable of.
And how do you do that? What is jim capable of? Or pam? Or kevin? * out of paper, out of stock * * the friendly faces around the block * * break lose from the chains * * that are causing your pain * * call michael and family * * jim, dwight, creed * * call andy and kelly * * for your business paper needs * * dunder mifflin * * the people person's paper people * * dunder mifflin * * the people person's paper people * * dundemifflin * * the people person's paper people * I don't care.
If he goes and files a report That says we're nothing special, Because I think our future is very bright.
We have only just begun.
Computron experiencing emotion.
Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug.
Okay, buddy? - Okay.
- Just sh-- Please don't.
Computron wanted to live.
- Shut-- Shut up.
Shut up.
* sittin' in my office with a plate of grilled bacon * * call my man dwight just to see what was shakin' * * yo mike, our town is dope and pretty * * so check out how we live * Both: * in the electric city * - * they call it scranton * - * what * * the electric city * * scranton * - * what * * the electric city * * lazy scranton, the electric city * * they call it that 'cause of the electricity * * the city's laid out from east to west * * and our public parks and libraries * * are truly the best * * call poison control if you're bit by a spider *