The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - St. Patrick's Day

Nature's viagra.
Two of my favorite joke areas combined.
Gonna be a good day.
I don't wanna bring my friends.
Why can't it just be the two of us? Because it's st.
Patrick's day.
People go out in groups.
Well, why don't you invite your friends? Why are you being so weird about this? Stop fighting.
Just on st.
Patrick's day, okay? Just one perfect day a year.
No hassles, no problems, no kids.
Why no kids? Yeah, where are your kids? Nope.
Uh-u Not today! It is st.
Patrick's day.
And here in scranton, that is a huge deal.
It is the closest That the irish will ever get to christmas.
- Welcome back, dad.
- Oh, thank you.
- Welcome back, tuna.
- Hey.
Very good.
Okay, we'll get back to you on that right away, thanks.
- What have we got here? - Mega-desk.
- Of course.
- Command central.
Surveillance, scanning, and business.
Just gotta-- Wait.
Come on.
Jim! Tweedledee and tweedledum ass Have been away on maternity leave.
But now tweedledum ass is back, And we have a problem.
Yes, getting hooked on mega-desk Was my own damn fault.
But I don't care about assigning blame.
All I care about is mega-desk.
That is all I care about.
Getting moreMega-desk.
Oh, I love this.
So much fun, There's such team spirit in this room.
Mornin' darlin'.
- Morning.
Well, this is my last day at the scranton branch For a while.
But I'm leaving it in the very capable hands Of some of the loveliest people I've ever had the pleasure of knowin'.
You know, I'm gonna miss this place.
And the snow.
My dogs love peein' in that snow.
Makes me think they're on to somethin'.
Oh, good mornin', sweetheart.
Good morning, honey pile.
I'm sorry, but is that a gift I see in your hands? It is.
This is a little something for you to remember Your time here in scranton by.
- Is that a lump of coal? - Yes, it is.
Have I been that naughty? No, no, no.
That is a good gift, actually.
Uh, buildings here in scranton Are literally powered by coal.
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
We, we don't get much coal down in tallahassee.
I mean, just alligators And some of the worst chinese food you've ever tasted.
Mm, that sounds great, actually.
Well, if you ever get down in my neck of the woods, You've got a place to stay.
When you work for sabre, only one thing matters.
And I don't care if you're a loser Or you practice bestiality, If jo likes you, you are in.
And I am in.
Erin go bragh.
Andy go bragh to you.
Nice kilt.
It's actually my sister's old field hockey skirt.
Erin and I have our first date tonight And it has to be perfect.
Why? Because according to how I met your mother, That's the datthat your kids Are gonna wait patiently to hear about, And you'd better have a good story for them.
- No.
- Great.
- No.
- Thank you.
No, no, no, no, no.
Ooh, come on, come on, five more minutes.
Five more minutes of mega-desk.
Is this yours or mine? They say that no man is an island.
I am an island.
And this island is volcanic.
And it is about to erupt With the molten hot lava of strategy.
Good lord.
I can't believe I'm missing this.
It's kind of like that lip thing she did last night, Like a half snarl, half smile.
I get the sense that she's very ironic.
Love you.
I'll talk to you.
Must be amazing being a father, right? The miracle of life? It is, big time.
Ah, that baby is just discovering A whole wide world right now.
It's pretty amazing.
What up is, what down is, who mom is.
Who dad is.
Must be tough being here with all that going on.
Oh, it's tough being here for a lot of reasons.
I mean, you're here at work, and the baby thinks that The refrigerator is its father.
Is that what happened to you? I'll tell you wh happened to me.
I didn't see my father for the first two years of my life.
I thought my mother was my father And my wet nurse was my mother.
That's a common mistake.
Turned out fine for me, but mose, OhSame story, different ending.
Are you sick? Oh, no, I'm fine.
I just have a little indigestion.
In your nose.
I'm a little sick, But I don't wanna miss my date with andy.
I'll get better.
Whenever I'm sick, it goes away within a few hours.
Except once when I was in the hospital From age three to six.
Now after all the talkin' I've been doin', It's your turn.
This is a town hall meetin'.
I wanna hear what y'all sound like.
- That is a great idea, jp.
- Thank you.
You know, I get way too many ideas from the top.
Now I wanna hear your ideas.
I mean, did you guys know that liquid paper-- That wasn't invented by some fancy engineer.
No, that was created by a lowly typist.
Oh, jo, I have an idea for suntan lotion soap.
You know, it's doesn't have to be an invention.
I have a question.
Oscar, homosexual accountant.
In the training manual, it says that There's a minority executive training program in tallahassee.
I am so proud of sabre's print in all colors initiative.
Any sabre employee of color is welcome to apply.
Darryl? Darryl.
Mellow, soulful, smart for warehouse.
- Okay, hush now.
- Okay.
The sabre shipping method could be more efficient.
Combining inventory systems makes sense on paper, But printers and paper ship differently.
It would be faster to deliver them separately Instead of waiting on everything to come in.
You wouldn't need more trucks? I mean-- Not at all.
There's a way it can be scheduled.
I sketched this out downstairs.
Oh, look at you.
Look at that picture that you drew.
Nice job.
We're very proud of you.
You know what, we are going to tape that up On the refrigerator in the kitchen.
I like this, darryl.
I like this a lot.
Maybe you should be doing your sketchin' upstairs.
Would you like an office up here? - Are you serious? - Yeah.
Take jim's old office.
Oh, um, I set my stuff up in there.
So Just give me a few minutes to clean it out for you.
Yeahi wanna hear more from you.
- Absolutely.
- All right.
- Yeah, thank you.
- Okay, any questions? Anything on anybody's mind? I'm leavin' tonight.
This is your last chance for a while.
No, say it's not so, jo, we're gonna miss you! We're gonna miss you so much! Yes, well, okay.
Florida ain't that far away.
Yeah, well, I'm heading down there.
Well, anytime now.
So-- How about July 4th weekend? Oh, honey, you didn't buy a ticket.
I did.
Oh, honey, I'm not, uh, home very often.
And, um, you know, my relatives They take up the guest house.
I think you should check with my office Before you book any dates, okay? You know what, In the spirit of full disclosure, I have actually reserved a bunch of different seats On a bunch of different flights.
But there are a couple flights That only have two tickets left, So I think we should pull the trigger right-- Enough! All right, everybody, Just try to put a brave face on.
Let's follow the chain of events.
Jo likes michael, Jo invites michael to house, Jo doesn't like michael anymore Mm.
I want you to stop what you're doing right now.
You are stressed and I am taking you to lunch.
No, that's very generous of you, but I'm all set.
No is not an option.
Yes, it is.
All right.
Well, if you need me, I'll be on the other side of that wall.
Knock once for yes, twice for no.
How many knocks does it take To get you to do some work? Okay.
I'll be over there.
And I'm actually pleased to be able to offer you Printer cartridges and toner now.
- Oh, jim.
- Yeah.
Sorry to bother you.
My headphones are broken.
- Right.
Can I listen to my music at a low volume? that's great, great.
- Okay? - Yeah.
*Cradle and the silver spoon * * little boy blue and the man in the moon * * when you coming home dad I don't know when * Dwight, stop.
Can you stop that? * we will be together then * Can you grow up? * you know we'll have a good time then * Oh, well, whether it's, uh-- Whether it's this time or the next time.
* the cat's in the cradle * * and the silver spoon * * little boy blue and the man in the moon * No, we can definitely talk about it in the next-- You know what, can I call you back? That would be great, thank you.
* we're gonna have a good time * No, I know I need to work.
I just I feel weird not being home.
I'm not surprised that dwight's using my baby To steal my desk.
But I'm a little surprised that it's working.
This fax came for you.
Oh, no, no, no.
Are you feelin' ill? Uh.
Oh, no, honey.
If you've got a bug, I want you to go on home.
I can't have you getting callie and jo, jr.
These dogs have gotta be in a commercial With dwight howard next week.
No, I feel like I could lift a car.
Yeah, but you sound like death, girl.
Now why don't you go on home and take care of yourself And get in bed? And shred that and have him send me a clean fax, all right? Oh, well-- She should go home.
It's not the end of the world.
We'll go on a date next week.
She's still gonna like me in a week.
Right? Yes? I was just working at my desk, And I wanted to run some new leads by you.
You're sick.
dang it.
That's exactly why I sent that receptionist home.
No, no, no, no, no.
Gettin' everybody sick in the office.
I don't need any heroes here, honey.
It's time for you to go on home now.
You sure? Yeah, you'd probably feel better Once you get some pants on.
Come on.
- Very nice.
- Not bad, huh? A real hoop dreams story you got there.
Oh, man, you seem to have caught jo's eye.
How did you make that happen? I impressed her with my good ideas.
Seriously, how did you do it? I made a suggestion at the meeting that was good.
You were there.
How do I put this delicately? Does her family owe your family something In terms of a past injustice? Now mike, I have to ask you to leave So that I can learn about this tiny television.
All right.
- Hey, there.
- Hey, there.
So I think I'm done.
Gonna head out.
Unless you wanna chat, like we were doing earlier.
Well, there's chattin' time and there's workin' time.
And I'm still on workin' time.
Mm, well, the clock says chattin' time, so-- Well, if you feel like you've done a solid day's work.
What? Well, I mean, if you can put your name on this day And be proud of the amount of work you've done, Then by all means, you should toodle on home.
Oh, well Is there something else I can help you with? No, no, no.
That's super clear-ish.
Nope, nope, nope, nope.
Just because jo has no life does not mean That the rest of us don't have lives.
Oscar has a life, I think ryan has a life.
This is outrageous.
- Hey, pac-man.
- Hey, what's up, butt plug? How are you doing, stud? You already there? Dude, I've been here since 3:00.
I've boot and rallied twice.
How's the lady situation? Fat and ugly.
You might actually have a chance.
Ah, damn.
That sounds great.
Unfortunately, I am stuck here Because my boss is making us work late.
Oh, here's what you do.
Hike up your skirt and pull out your tampon, Borrow some balls and come meet me! Yeah, maybe next year.
Maybe next queer! Hey, ladies, who wants some bangers and mash? - Oh, andy.
- Hi.
I'm in my jammy jams.
That's okay, I'm in my worky works.
You look amazing.
Oh, thanks.
Come in.
- Okay.
Me and creed are in.
Are you guys in? Oh, I'm in.
- I'm in.
- All right.
Oh, you don't become the most powerful woman In tallahassee by slackin' off.
you do it by workin' hard.
Or marryin' rich.
And I did both.
Got a little client meeting at shanny o'gannigans tonight, But it shouldn't go all night long.
So if you'd like me to, I could swing by your house So the baby can experience a strong male presence.
No? Nothing? Okay.
Have fun working.
* * Hi there, jo.
Sorry to interrupt.
Um-- This evening, I have-- Hello.
Hey, jo, it's jim halpert.
I actually scheduled a meeting at 7:30 With a very important client.
And it's so weird, 'cause we never have meetings after 5:00 p.
But I was hoping that maybe just this once it would be okay.
Well, sure.
You know, you go ahead and push some printers.
You know I will.
And by the way, seriously, we never, never do this.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right.
Sorry, sugar.
What did you want? Well, you see, I actually do have a meeting with a client.
I'm gonna just reschedule for next week.
Thank you.
Thanks again, by the way.
Hey, what are you fellas doing up here? We here to bust you out.
- I wish, but, uh-- - dude.
Your shirt tucked in? oh, yeah.
I must have did that when I used the bathroom.
All right, then, uh, let me get to it.
All right.
See you later.
- Your hand's cold.
- It is, I'm sorry.
Yeah, have some more blanket.
Oh, thanks.
- What's up? - Whoa! You're awake? Andy, this is my brother, reed.
I didn't know you had a brother.
He's my foster brother.
Well, any brother of erin's is a friend of mine.
Nice to meet you.
Andy bernard.
Cold hands.
Are we rotating seats or-- Well, yeah, you're the guest.
Go take the easy chair.
Best seat in the house.
Plus, you don't have to sit next to this big dork And her smelly feet.
Hey, my feet aren't smelly.
They smell like roses.
Smell them.
So how does the whole foster sibling thing work? Do you guys share one parent, or-- None.
We were in the same house from ages 10 to 12, And then from 15 to 18.
All right.
Formative years.
nice skirt.
It's a kilt.
* * Oh.
Sorry, sorry.
* * Yes, I am anxious to get out of work.
But let me be clear.
It's not to celebrate st.
Patrick's day.
It's so I can protest st.
Patrick's day.
Overnight all my damn bags home.
I'm carryin' nothing but my sable gloves.
I've had it with homeland security.
And I want you to put all those trackin' numbers In my blackberry.
How late are we gonna work tonight? You never know with jo.
Sometimes we're here till midnight.
Sometimes she doesn't show up for three days.
Why does she do that? Why doesn't she just tell you where your schedule is? Yeah.
That'd be awesome.
I could get a girlfriend Wouldn't have to go to amsterdam seven times a year.
But, uh, I'm young, right? I will date when I'm dead.
Do I really wanna turn out like gabe? No life, no family.
I want to have been married by the time I would've turned 30.
That's just-- That's just depressing.
Hello, jo.
Anything I can do for you, puddin'? There is, as a matter of fact.
It's getting sort of late.
It's 8:30.
And it's st.
Patrick's day.
Which is a world ethnic holiday, So I have decided I am going to dismiss my employees.
I'm thrilled with the work they've done today, Both the quality and the quantity.
Great performance, very, very solid all the way arod.
All right, then.
Okay, happy .
Patrick's day.
And also, I would like to say that I will be canceling my trip down to tallahassee.
Although I do look forward To our professional relationship.
- Michael.
- Yes.
I look forward to that too.
- Okay.
- Ooh.
- It's coming down out there.
- Yes.
Thank you for coming all the way here.
No-- I'm sorry I was so sick.
Oh, great, now I'm gonna get sick.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Hey, guys.
- How are you? Drinks are on me.
Oh, no, no, put your credit cards away, It's on us.
- Oh-ho! All right! Did I mess up my career today, my future prospects at sabre? I don't know.
There is a chance, yes.
I tell ya, I love my job.
But jo wants me to put on a show for her And pretend to work late? Ah.
I spent all day trying to make her like me, And I forgot to ask myself something: Do I even like her? As the irish poet bobby mcferrin said, "don't worry, be happy.
" Whoops.
All right.
Best night ever.
What the hell's going on back there? Yeah.
Uh, we should be able to have that over to you by Monday.