The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - New Leads

Hey, jim, jim! Come here.
Do you know who that is? - No.
- Look at him.
Look at him, t-shirt, jeans.
- Is it you? - I am flattered.
That's johnny depp.
- Where'd you take that? - In my condo complex.
Oh, my god, that's right! I read in people magazine That he was looking for a two-bedroom condo in scranton.
I'm flippin' out, man.
Hey, jim, jim, Where-where do I find the black pearl? - Who's that? - Captain jack sparrow.
captain jack sparrow, jim.
John dillinger.
No.
I'm captain jack sparrow.
Captain crunch.
Okay.
Okay.
Screw you, halpert.
You know, it's not easy getting excited about stuff.
Remember how you felt When you thought you'd seen roger clemens? At the yankees game.
- Yeah.
Well, it wasn't him.
- I had A little better reason to believe that You're right.
You're right.
Well, you're not right, because johnny depp In your condo complex I know.
I know! It also explains why The name on his mailbox was m.
Shulman.
M.
Night shulman? First up, the lost and found Has gone missing.
It itself is lost.
So please try not to lose anything Until we find it.
Ah, pet day.
If you don't have a pet, please don't feel- When are we getting to sales topics? Yeah.
What about those leads? Did you hear anything from corporate? Ah, yes, the leads.
The leads that sabre has spent $50,000 to get From a market research company Are not here yet.
Oh, man But will be Damn it! No, no, no, no.
Meeting's not over.
But is there anything relevant to the sales staff here? No sales topic, per se.
Well, then no andy bernard, per se.
I agree.
- Dwight.
Sorry.
Michael, I got calls to make.
I would like your undivided attention, please.
You couldn't handle my undivided attention.
Over the last few weeks, Things have been changing here.
Sabre says it is our duty to support the sales team, And the salesmen are letting it go to their heads.
I think it's kind of screwed up.
Because the way this place used to work was Make friends first, make sales second, Make love third In no particular order.
Listen, michael, About what happened earlier Yeah? When I was asking about the leads.
Mm-hmm.
Is there any news on the leads? Is that all you have to say to me? Yeah.
You got any news on the leads? Okay, I tell you what.
I'm going out on a very important sales call.
You get any news about the leads, you try me.
All of my numbers.
All six of my numbers, okay? Including the car phone! All right, dwight out! Salesman is king.
As the best salesman, I am king of kings.
Oh, you say jesus is king of kings? Well, what does that say to you About how I think of myself? do you not answer emails anymore? Because I've emailed you four times Asking you to come to my desk.
Honey, if I don't have time to answer an email, I definitely don't have time to walk over to your desk.
Wow wowie wowie.
Congratulations.
It's a big check.
- Oh, sorry, o-one second.
- Stop sexting pam.
I'm trying to congratulate you.
This is actually a big potential sale, so You writing your memoirs over there? You writing your name over there? Well, it's a pretty big check.
It's good, you know, with the kid.
Okay.
Don't gloat.
Here's the thing.
This kind of money can corrupt people.
All right, here we go.
Michael - I'm just saying that- - michael Great.
Teddy, nice.
Let me just write that down real quick.
pencil.
Get me a pencil.
H- hang on, teddy.
I'm making a sale.
- Mm-hmm.
- Sales.
- Mm-hmm.
There's other pencils in this office.
Gimme-I- Honey and jelly sandwich time.
- Mike- - oh You gotta be kidding me.
Look at that-that's- I know who did that.
You saw who did this, and you didn't stop 'em? Didn't have to see.
It was sales-I can feel it.
They are out of control.
The sales department smashed my sandwich.
Yes.
All of 'em.
Together.
It's a conspiracy.
Listen to me, mike.
You gotta do something about them.
You don't get it.
You need to get back on top.
That's what she said.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Something came for you, michael.
Thank you very much.
What'd you get? Ah.
It's just the stupid leads.
- All right! - Oh, about time.
Yeah! Me likey! Yeah, finally, michael.
Hand 'em over, numb nuts.
But seriously, I mean, it's your job to give us those leads.
All right.
Then I guess I should give them out.
Hold on.
You know what I'm thinkin'? I'm thinking that I have something that you want.
You guys are acting like you own this place, And you don't.
Not even sabre owns this place.
It's a rental.
I'm kinda sick of the attitude around here.
I'm sick of the cocky walk.
I am sick of you throwing your paycheck in my face.
I am sick of your uppity attitude Jim.
I think I am not going to give these to you.
Yeah! We need those leads, michael.
That's our job, michael.
Michael! Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads.
You have to give 'em out.
Then we are just rewarding their bad behavior.
Okay, just imagine That instead of going to jail for murdering someone, You got an ice cream cone.
If that were the case, then in the summertime, Everyone would go around killing people For-for the pleasure of an ice cream cone.
Michael, I don't want To "incentivize" murder.
But we've tried to make it clear That our policy emphasizes sales staff- They act like I have no power.
But you do.
You are in charge - Thank you.
- Of supporting the sales staff.
You are required to hand out those leads, michael.
Hmm.
Well, if that is what I am required to do, I will do exactly that.
- Okay, good.
- Exactly that.
- Good.
- Exactly that.
Why do you keep repeating- Hello.
May I have everyone's attention, please? Gabe has instructed me to hand out the leads.
So I am going to give the leads to King creed.
- What- - what are you- And to king Meredith! They aren't sales people.
And to king angela.
Because today we are all kings.
And queens.
What the hell do you think you're doing? I am giving them the leads, phyllis.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So I'm gonna go ahead and save you some time And tell you that no one's gonna go along with this.
But you knew that, right? - Mm-hmm.
- All right.
So why don't you just give me my share of the leads, And I'll start making some calls? Okay.
Hey, all right.
All right.
Ah.
These aren't leads.
What are they? Oh, right.
Those are clues.
And within each clue is a lesson.
You learn a lesson, and then you find a lead.
The leads are scattered all over the industrial park.
I'm trying to make your kids respect you.
Because a father needs to respect his boss, And kids don't respect the father Who doesn't respect the boss.
Do you understand that line of logic? I don't even think you understand it.
I do understand it.
This one's a map.
Or is it? Oh, how the tables have turned.
I see you got my email.
Are you gonna give me the leads or not? I'll give you the leads But you know what? It's gonna cost you some clerical work.
- What are these for? - It doesn't matter.
Fill them out.
All of them.
And when you're done, you can watch me shred them.
Right I want to watch the kardashians, okay? I don't want to watch- it's mindless! The kardashians is a good show.
- Thank you, stanley! - No, you don't even know! How would he even know the kardashians? It's about a family, a real-life family.
No, stanley, do you- Hey, baby, what's up? I am currently reading incoherent riddles On blue index cards to find vital information That michael has hidden all over the office.
How are you? Uh, nothing but vomit and diapers over here.
Oh, my god.
I couldn't envy you more.
Having a baby is as exhausting as they say it is.
Having two babies That's just unfair.
How 'bout this one? "when arrogant salesmen are mean to my face, A certain manager will go to his moppy place.
" He means his mopey place.
It's under that street lamp That he thinks was in casablanca.
God, I love you.
Today I turned an office crisis Into a teachable moment.
A lesser manager would have screwed this day up royally.
I can imagine some yokel sitting behind his desk, Saying, "oh, yeah, take a lead.
We're nothing.
" Some people shouldn't be in this business.
Hey.
I guess you probably won't give me your leads Since I'm a jerk salesman.
Yeah.
I basically wish you were dead.
I hid the leads.
where? Colder.
Cold Er.
Warmer.
Colder.
Colder.
C- Warmer.
Warmer Hot! Hotter Burning hot! Lower - Are you- - lower Are you sure? Low Er What are you doing, idiot? Michael's stupid scavenger hunt.
Scavenger hunt? Here.
I can solve it.
Give it.
"the treasure you seek is in the parking lot Under the first president"? Lincoln.
The prankster is getting pranked.
Ha ha.
It involves you too.
The leads are in?! Michael? Michael, you were supposed to tell me When the leads came in.
Well, big shot, if you want to find your leads, Go to the man who never breeds.
kevin.
Damn it! Kevin! Give me those leads.
Where are they-come on! You are never going to find them.
- Really? - I'm going to enjoy this.
Gimme the leads! Where are the leads? Gimme the leads! I'm still enjoying it! - Where are they? - They're in the trash.
They're in the trash.
the trash.
It's code.
All right, meredith.
Take off your dress.
Okey-dokey.
No.
Dear god, no.
It's in the trash can.
In the kitchen.
It's coming off either way.
Clean sack.
- Oh What- - I emptied it in the dumpster.
It had toby's baba ganoush.
If we don't patronize The only syrian restaurant in town, There'll be nothing left but pan pizzas And, you know Make your own salads.
It's empty! - Wait.
What day is today? - Um Tonight is ghost whisperer So Friday.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! No, no, no! Hey, hey! Wait! Okay, you know what? Let's just go to the dump, Start looking.
Ryan, come on.
Shotgun in my car.
Michael, why would we all go to the dump? Why? Because I am not going to call sabre And say, "hi, you know those very valuable, "expensive leads that you gave us earlier today? "well, because of a screw-up by a staff member, They're now in the city dump.
" Not your staff, michael.
You.
Well, that's not the way it's gonna sound.
Here's what we'll do.
We'll go to the dump.
We'll look around.
Then we'll all go out and get pizza, Maybe catch a movie, late-night drink.
Some more pizza, call it a night.
Does it have to be pizza? Can we go for a falafel? - Really? - I'm not going.
You did this, not us.
Okay, no.
You encouraged it.
You were complicit.
Complicit.
You were all " successories.
" That sounds fun, mucking around in the dump.
I wish I could go.
- You can.
- I can't.
You know that.
Okay, fine, I get it.
I'll just go by myself.
I'll go, michael.
'cause you'll just screw it up.
This place has gone to hell.
You know, dwight, there was a time You'd be pinching yourself to have the opportunity To look through a dump with me.
Yeah, well, the acorn becomes the oak.
Yeah.
Well, sometimes the acorn just stays an acorn.
If you don't believe me, look in my gutters.
You're adorable.
You need to go for it.
I'm gonna be like mad at you if you don't- Yeah, whatever.
Whoo.
Can't wait for this day to be over.
- Why? - Just all the drama.
- What drama? - Between the Us and you guys.
It's unnecessary, right? - So unnecessary.
Oh, good.
Thank god you said that.
If the salesmen weren't acting like Such a bunch of stuck-up losers, Then this day wouldn't be so bad.
Did you ever think of that? I have new baby pictures.
Jim.
Don't use your cute baby to make us like you.
She's wearing a onesie.
stop it.
If we act nice now, Then we're rewarding them for treating us poorly.
Didn't we kind of start it? I think you're remembering that wrong.
Yeah.
I don't know about this.
I mean, I think we should hold our ground.
The company's changed, And if they don't like it, they can leave.
I mean, a lot of their work can be done from india.
Can we at least all agree that this is uncomfortable And maybe heading for something bad? All those who agree say aye.
Aye.
- Aye.
- All those opposed? - I don't think we need opposed.
You've changed, man.
Oh, why, 'cause I have a shot at a 100k commission? When do you care about money? When I first met you, you were a wide-eyed innocent.
Hey, there is nothing I can do about my wide-set eyes.
No, no, no, I'm talking about your personality, dwight! Okay, when I first met you, I had a lot of job offers.
And I had an offer from ivan schotsky- The ivan schotsky.
And if I had assistant-managed him- Assisted to the managed him.
Oh, that's low! I would be number two right now at a home depot! - Yeah.
- Okay?! 'cause they promote from within! Instead, I had to follow you.
You're going nowhere.
You think you would have done better without me.
Really? - I hitched my wagon To a horse with no legs.
Wow! okay! Man! When I think about all the time that I wasted Being your friend I shouldn't have been hanging out Watching karate movies with you! Kung fu movies! I- you know what I should have been doing? I should have been out at bars finding my soul mate, Finding my wife, making babies.
Nice babies you're making with the floozies at the bars! That's my wife you're talking about, man! Your made-up wife who doesn't exist? You watch it! If I'd wanted to hit you, I would have hit you.
Don't do it! No, no.
You just made an enemy with the wrong guy, boy.
Wait-time out, time out, time out! Time in.
- No! Don't-don't even think about that.
Stop it! Give it- that's my spool! What's the least we can do to make this okay? I'll text pam.
She's really good at this stuff.
Yeah.
I'll text erin.
She's really good at this stuff too.
I guess we could give them some of our new commissions.
That is a dangerous precedent.
Pam texted back saying we could give them all ipods.
Uh, if they don't have an ipod by now, They really don't want one.
All right.
Then we're back to cash.
And I gotta say If giving a small percentage of our commissions Is gonna smooth all this over, I'm for it.
- Okay, fine, cash it is.
- Oh.
Erin just texted me back.
"people love shells from faraway beaches.
" Okay, dwight.
All right, dwight.
Here we go! Here we go! Oh, god! Oh Oh Oh We're never gonna find those leads, are we? Nah.
Wow.
Amazing, isn't it? No other animal on earth could do this.
Maybe beavers But not like this.
So how 'bout, guys, Instead of 2? What do you- - no, no, we agreed.
Okay.
Hey, everybody.
Nice spread.
We get it- you eat like royalty.
No, no.
This is a representation of how we feel.
And how we feel is really sorry.
Yeah.
We wanted to bring you in and make a peace offering.
Yeah, we wanted to do the right thing, so Way to go, guys.
This-this- This was an integrity move.
Yeah.
When we walked in here, We were all prepared to tell you to go to hell.
Do you have any pastries without fruit? Yes, we do.
Eclairs.
- Ooh.
- Ooh! Well, you better be happy, taking 2% of our- forgot for the coffee.
Yeah, treats, stanley.
They've accepted Our simple offer of treats only, nothing more.
Oh.
This is nice.
All of us back together.
This Why would somebody throw that out? Pfft! Waste.
Hey.
You know who'd like this? Phyllis.
Purple much? - Yeah, she does.
She loves purple.
Does it stink? - Yeah.
Know what would be a great picture here? - Hmm? - Just this whole dump, And in the middle, one flower.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's it.
Wow.
And the caption would read Hope Grows In a dump.
Whoo-hoo! The good news that you found our leads? - No.
Better.
- We have an awesome Beanbag chair that's perfect for the break room.
Eech! I'm never gonna sit on that disgusting seat.
Yeah, damn right, you're not, 'cause it's for me and michael only! Yeah! It's freezing out here.
Yeah! Well, I I have warm blood.
Uh Oh, wow.
Oh, thank you.
You're the nicest person I've ever met.