The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Happy Hour

Okay Work your core! Come on.
How many is that? Not counting the last one, Count the last one.
Okay, Oh, new record! Okay.
Oh, what did you do today? I made a sale.
Oh, yeah, sitting on your big, fat butt.
All right, that is the number to beat.
What do we get if we do 'em? My respect.
Okay, I'll make it a little more interesting.
Anyone who does more than 25 push-ups And one girl push-up.
Gets to go home.
Ooh! Ooh I say, "dance," they say, "how high?" Three, four Here we go.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Butt too high.
Disqualified! Ow.
What do we got? Creed, disqualified.
Oh, come on! I had a really hard workout this morning.
Oh, wow, that is adorable! Ten.
Yeah! I'm bettingOne more.
Wow! Good.
stanley! Stanley! Stanley Okay.
All right.
Stanley! Stanley! Stanley Essentially, what we have here is Is one of those stories where a mother lifts a car To save her baby.
Well, it's not exactly fair.
He's got all of his weight that's helping him go down.
Yeah, come on.
You can do it! Come on, stanley, let's do it, come on.
Very nicely done.
You okay, stanley? Excuse me.
All right, papa bear.
Matt, right? Hey, oscar.
You're here early.
I always come in at 7:00.
No, you don't.
Well Hey, uh, are you doing anything later tonight? I don't know.
I'm free.
If you hear of anything going on, let me know.
Yeah, we talked this morning, and we talked at christmas.
So a little momentum there.
Just aCouple hours to kill before work.
Hey, what's up? Hey.
Nice office.
It's cool.
So You know what we haven't done in a while? Happy hour.
Upstairs, the warehouse.
Everybody just going out for a drink.
Has that ever happened? Ever? Didn't we? I think we did.
You want me to invite matt? Yeah, the whole gang.
Matt included.
Look, just be straight with me, man.
You can be gay with matt, just be straight with me.
So happy hour.
Happy hour.
Just invite everybody.
My pleasure.
All right.
So what do you think? Hmm I saw a new drink on tv I'd like to try.
I'll ask bob.
Yeah, I love going to bars with bob.
I tend to wear something low-cut, Get men to flirt with me, And bob beats 'em up.
What? A bunch of us are talking about happy hour.
I would love, love, love to go.
Only problem is, pam's at home with the baby, And I think she wants a night in.
Oh, baloney.
Good one.
Ring her up.
I will do that right now.
I gotta tell you, this baby is amazing.
She gets me out of everything.
And I--and I love her.
I also love her very much.
So some of the co-workers were thinking Of going out tonight, but I told them-- Yes! Yes! I would love to! Ha! Knew it! It's been so long since I've been with adults.
I am so excited to see everybody.
Creed, ryan.
Oh, my god, stanley! Stanley's gonna be there.
Yes! Oh, my god I did not see this coming.
Erin, I need you to fax this And get me a confirmation, pronto.
are you going later? Sure, if you are.
Talk to me that way again and I'll cut your face off! Whoa.
We recently struck up a romantic relationship.
And, um But we're kinda keeping it quiet for now.
'cause it's still kind of a new thing.
It's a little delicate, And we just don't want all the drama.
'cause when everyone knows-- Uh That's actually pretty funny, But in general, you know.
Hey, boss man.
Yes? A bunch of us are going to get some drinks--you in? Ladies and gentlemen, it is quitting time.
I'm sorry, I meant later.
For happy hour? Yes, sure.
No, I got that.
Trying to get a head count.
I am in.
All right.
Yes! It's a deal.
It's a deal.
Oh, hey, I invited my friend julie.
I want her to meet michael.
Why? They're both single.
I have a sense they might-- You've been gone for a long time.
It is not that.
Kevin! Oh! Yeah! Hey, how are you? Oh, I missed you so much.
Aww Yeah! Yeah.
Waaaaah! Raaaaaaa! Waaaaaaa! When a new mom hears a baby cry, Her you-know-whats fill up with you know what, And then her shirt gets, you know That would be funny.
Oh, wow, I cannot believe this is happening.
This is everything I dreamed.
Oh, my god! Easy.
It's not a birthday.
It's not a good-bye party.
Oh, hey Pam and I are gonna go play pool With one of her friends, And we need a fourth.
Sucks to be you.
Would you like to be our fourth? That would be sublime.
All right.
So the guy shows me the deck he's built.
And I'm like, "I'll call this a deck "if it'll make you happy, But this is just a porch without a roof.
" It was ridiculous, man.
It was like--you could maybe get two chairs on the thing.
Two lawn chairs.
Hey, michael.
This is my friend julie.
How are you? Good.
What is a nice girl like you hanging out With these bums for? There you go.
Julie laughs at everything.
So you work with pam and jim? Oh, no, no.
Pam and jim work for me.
And if they win, they are fired.
I should hope not.
No, not really.
Not really, But they better not win.
Hey, isabel, you made it.
Oh, my goodness.
Of course.
You want to play pool? Um I'm gonna do a lap.
See if I know anyone.
And then they said the most ridiculous thing About anderson cooper Uh-huh.
Which I do not have the decency to repeat.
But trust me when I tell you that-- Hold that thought.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't isabel.
At's a girl like you doing in a place like this? A girl like me is why a guy like you comes To a place like this.
Ooh, I love repartee.
Do you? Usually means there's a battle scene coming.
So what do you do? I am an esl teacher.
Really? Yeah.
See, I didn't think you could teach that.
I thought that was something you were born with.
What am I thinking right now? Are you thinking that I said "esp"? Yes.
I feel like an idiot.
I was a little nervous when pam told me he was her boss, But he doesn't act like a boss at all.
If I had a boss like that, we'd never get anything done.
So what do you think? About what? About julie.
She's nice.
So you like her? Uh, yeah, sure.
So pam was right.
About what? About you two hitting it off.
Well, apparently michael scott is on a date.
And that-- That, my friend, changes everything.
My brother, good head, bad heart.
Good head, but heart.
I know.
Oh, yeah, you told me about him.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, he's all right.
Hey, michael, where have you been? Hey, you're supposed to hit the white ball first, buddy.
Heh! Nice one.
Can I talk to you for a second? Mm-hmm.
All right.
Everything okay? Why are you wearing a hat now? Guys, come on, I'm on a date.
Let me do my thang.
Hi, I'm date mike.
Nice to meet me.
How do you like your eggs in the morning? You want to just make a run for it? Maybe.
Waaaaah! Waaaaah! Mommy! What is happening? Whoa! Wow.
What is crackin'? One second.
We're focusing, we're focusing--we can't talk.
What's this game? One second.
Yeah, how do you play? Guys, guys, guys, please.
Game over.
All right, it's all yours now.
Only three tickets.
If we save 'em up, we can get more than a sticker this time.
Stop telling me how to spend my tickets.
I know, but you wanted the big thing.
Wow, can you imagine what people would say If they saw us dancing together? Oh, I know.
They'd be like, "what's up with those two?" "hey, guys, get a bedroom already.
" "did we miss the wedding?" Um, I got it-- I'll do this, And you play the racing game, and then we'll switch.
Yes, okay.
Yeah, that's smart.
No drama.
Oh, air hockey, basketball.
We could play that.
Oh, whac-a-mole.
Any brothers or sisters? Three brothers.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Two are in the marines, one's a cop.
Vegetarian? No.
I love meat.
what's your blood type? O-negative.
Universal donor.
Universal donor.
Angela versus isabel.
Height, advantage isabel.
Birthing hips, advantage isabel.
Remaining child-bearing years, advantage isabel.
Legal obligation, advantage angela.
Hey, guys, guys, guys.
Excuse moi.
Hey! Watch this.
Ready? What are you doing? I'm tying a knot in the stem with my tongue.
Michael, you don't have to do this.
Oh, wow, that was close.
I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage Because I watch reality dating shows Like a hawk, and I learn.
I absorb information from the strategies of the winners And the losers.
Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.
Hey, you two having fun? Did you tell them? No.
This is exactly what I don't want--the drama.
I don't want The drama! I get it.
oh! You are amazing at this.
How did you get so good? Whacking moles.
Hit 'em on the head.
Whack! Whack! Whack.
Say it with me.
Whack! Extend the fingers more.
This looks like a hoot.
Hey, monkey, how you doing? Whack.
Listen, can I talk to you for a second? Okay.
You know, I've been thinking We had a good run.
We really did.
But you don't need to worry About this whole contract thing anymore.
It's no worry.
It's just that we both-- We want different things.
You know, I want a big family.
I could see enjoying that.
No, no, no, no.
I want a big family.
Tall, thick.
A big Physically big family.
Listen, you go have fun.
You're off the hook.
Buwe signed the contract.
Don't worry, you're free.
Okay? Okay.
See you later.
We both--you didn't dup-- Wow, maybe we should tell her That he's not normally like this.
Maybe it should come from a man.
Maybe it should come from a note With flowersTomorrow.
You want to pay 400 bucks to re-felt this table? Yeah, why don't you send the bill To 23 I don't care lane, scranton, pennsylvania? Hey, michael, why don't you just get down? Hey, she can tell I'm on a date, right? Right? I'm just having fun.
Ted, are we having fun? Really? You told on me.
That's lame.
We got a problem? Yes.
what? All right, go.
Where? Get out.
All right.
Okay, whoa.
I'm just kidding around.
I'm sorry.
Okay, um, why don't we just finish the game.
Michael, it's your shot.
She can't talk to us that way.
You guys are stripes, I think.
You let somebody talk to you like that, Where does it stop? It stopped.
Well, I am starting it again! Do you guys want some food? The wings are really good here.
Hey, you embarrassed my friends in front of me, And I'm gonna need you to go back over to the table And apologize.
Then I am sorry that I didn't kick you out.
I am here with my employees.
I am here on a date.
Well, uh, I'm the manager here, sir.
Well, it just so happens that I'm a manager too.
And the way I manage people Is that I touch their hearts and souls with humor, With love, and maybe a dash of razzle-dazzle.
And I don't see that from you.
Is that how you do it? Yes, it is.
I am writing a book about it.
Really? How much have you written? I've written all of it In my head.
If you're really interested, It is called somehow I manage.
And there's going to be a picture of me On the cover, shrugging, with my sleeves rolled up.
Have you read lee iacocca's? It's a classic.
Read it? I own it.
But no, I have not read it.
Dude, tonight! You're not gonna want to put it down.
It's gonna make you want to go out And buy a chrysler tomorrow.
I own a chrysler.
Shut up.
No, you shut up! What's your drink? Grenadine.
What? We just have to throw everyone off the scent a little, So follow my lead.
I don't normally do this, but Do what? Go, go.
Just sit down next to a beautiful woman And start talking to myself to confuse other people.
Hey, big boy.
Do you like it when I do that? What are you doing? What we said to do.
We didn't say we were gonna, like, start groping strangers.
I was flirting with a man.
Get in here.
Where did you learn to talk like that? The movies.
I don't know.
Well, what movie, black snake moan? I manage a paper company-- dunder mifflin/saber.
You have a card? I did.
I actually put it in your bowl.
Stanley hudson? No.
Whoa, a lot of stanley hudsons in here.
No, it's michael scott.
Michael scott? He is I.
You just won yourself a lunch.
Hey, guys.
I think I'm gonna go.
Really? Yeah.
I'm--I'm sorry.
He's not usually like that.
What's he usually like? He's more just Like You can go.
All right.
See ya.
Nice girl.
Hey, julie.
You having fun? so When are you coming in for that free lunch? You're gonna want to come in on a day that I'm working.
UhMaybe I can hear more about that book too.
Hey, man, you put together A pretty fun night for everybody.
I saw you talking to hide.
Did you hear that dude's life story? It's amazing, right? I couldn't understand a word he said.
Let me tell you something, oscar.
All right, matt's an okay dude, But he's a dummy.
You guys got nothing in common.
Maybe you're right.
I should count myself lucky.
Hehat's up? There he is! Hey, hey, hey.
Anyone up for some hoops? Sure.
Let's do it.
Hoop it up.
This is not what I want my relationship to look like.
Hi, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is andrew bernard, And I've been on two dates with erin hannon, And they went well, and there will probably be more.
Thank you.
You know, it got to the point where keeping it a secret Was just too much drama.
And I hate drama, so there you go.
You love drama.
I know, I do, right? I'm a total drama queen.
With this move, he can't get you.
Well, I think that he could counter that move.
The scranton strangler is a professional strangler.
Oh, please, I wish he'd comafter me.
I would be, like--aah! Dwight schrute! Dwight kurt schrute Sh--what? You are hereby served with this summons To appear in lackawanna county court No, no, no.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah.
For breach of contract with angela noelle martin.
What are you talking about? What are you-- Dwight recently entered into a contract with me, Establishing intent to conceive And raise a child with me.
Angela Did he not tell you that? You're really putting me In an awkward position here.
Do you plan on raising a child with me? Or do you plan on breaking this contract? Angela, not here! Dwight? Whack! Pbbbbt! You'll see me in small claims court! You are an impressive specimen.
Thank you.
Then I spilled my drink, And they wouldn't give me a refill.
Oh--oh, my gosh.
You all right? Okay, yeah.
We have to get home.
Halperts, wait up.
Oh, what a great night.
Got to hang out with my peeps.
Sort of did okay with a new young lady.
Actually, you didn't.
Not at all.
I think I did.
But I can't take all the credit.
Some of the credit is due, in fact, To my good friend, date mike.
Nice to meet me.
Tell 'em your story, hide.
In japan, heart surgeon, number one.
Steady hand.
One day, yakuza boss need new heart.
I do operation, but mistake!