The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Sex Ed

Necesito UN buen worker.
Tú es fuerte.
Come on.
¿que? ¿que? No vamos con ESE senor.
Lo he visto saliendo con muchos otros, Y no vuelven nadie.
We don't go with that man.
I've seen several men go with that man and not come back.
- He perdido amigos - We've lost friends No Se lo Que hace con ellos.
We don't know what he does with them.
No quiero decir mas.
I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
I pick up day laborers And tell them that they'll get paid at 6:00 P.
At 5:45, a certain I.
Agent By the name of Mose Schrute Throws them in the back of a van, Drops them off in the middle of Harrisburg, And tells them it's Canada.
- Hola, amigo.
- Hola.
Tú es UN bueno worker? Si.
Yo muy bueno worker.
Y el acento Dónde are you from? Scranton.
Y Before that, la Philadelphia.
- You speak English? - Yes.
I'm really good at English.
Okay, good, me too.
Get in the car.
Who is this guy by our cars? That is my new maintenance worker Nate, And you'll be happy to know that he's taking care of That hornet's nest that you've been griping about.
I got stung up my dress.
Poor hornet.
I left him all the tools he needs.
This is do or die.
If he chooses correctly, he conquer the hornets.
And if he doesn't? He'll die.
- What? - Uh, beg your pardon? When did the phrase "do or die" become so corrupted? - Is that a blowtorch? - No.
No, no, no! No, no! Interesting choice.
- Very, very smart.
- Walking away.
- No! No, no, no! - The bat.
Oh, they're stinging him! - No, no, no! - No, no! Good morning, Erin.
Any moustaches I mean messages? Terrific.
There are many reasons A man would wear a fake moustache to work.
He is a fan Of the outrageous.
He loves to Surprise! He loves Other things as well.
It's a pimple, Phyllis.
Avril Lavigne gets them all the time, And she rocks harder than anyone alive.
Uh, that's no pimple, Michael.
You mean cancer? What? No way.
Definitely not not cancer.
It's just good to catch a Michael train of thought early Before it derails and destroys the entire town.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
It's just a cold sore.
It is? - Yep.
Just a cold sore.
- Just a cold sore.
Thank you.
Phyllis, I don't have acne.
I have a cold sore.
I didn't even have a cold.
I don't know how I got it.
I know how you got it.
- How? - Michael, come on.
A cold sore is herpes.
- What? - What you should do, Michael, Is have a doctor take a look at it, 'cause we don't really know what that is.
I know tons and tons of people who have herpes.
I have it myself.
That's what it is.
I've never seen herpes on you.
'cause it's on my genitals, genius.
You have a penis? Michael, have you ever been tested for STDs? Yeah.
My last physical when I was 40.
That was like ten years ago.
No, it was like four years ago.
Michael, you're at least 46.
Why at least? If you're guessing 46, just say 46.
Can please talk about how gross Meredith is? This is what you get When you treat your body like an outhouse.
You know what, guys? How 'bout we just chill out a little bit on the herp chat? Okay? I was an r.
In college, And I can tell you, The number one sexually transmitted disease Is ignorance.
I guess maybe she could marry a meth dealer with crabs I don't even want to know about these things.
Hey, guys.
How did this happen? How did I get this? Sometimes it can lie dormant in a woman for years.
They may not even ow that they have it.
You ow what? I feel like One of those old-timey sailors with VD.
Eh, it's me own darn fault.
Girl in every port! But what port? The Jan port? The Holly port? Don't even Holly was clean, okay? If anything, I gave it to her.
- You may have.
- Oh, my God.
What if I did? You need to contact Holly.
You need to notify her that she is crawling with herpes.
You know what? Might.
Might be crawling with herpes.
I might have gotten it after her.
You need to contact every woman you've been with And notify them of your herpes infestation.
It's the right thing to do.
There's no way I'm gonna do that.
- Then I will.
- All right, I Now, I'm no doctor, but it seems to me That we all have an obligation to the public health To track down anyone who gives us a disease, Inform them of it, And take overwhelming revenge on that person.
Again, I'm no doctor.
I'm just a normal guy who enjoys revenge.
Hi, Donna.
It's Michael.
I didn't think I'd hear from you.
How've you been? I have a disease For which there is no known cure That has been sexually transmitted to me.
Oh, no! I can't even say it.
HI Oh, my God! RP E.
E - W-wait.
- S.
You're calling to tell me that you have herpes? No.
I am calling to see if you gave me herpes, Because if you did, I would be able to avoid a lot of sucky conversations.
So you have it, right? No.
Does your stupid husband have it? No, he doesn't.
Are you telling me I have to get tested? Yes, I'm telling you you have to get tested for herpes.
Good-bye! - So long, Donna.
'scuse me, everyone, can I have your attention, please? - Not again.
- What do you mean, again? You're always asking for our attention.
Well, maybe like a year ago.
- Mm.
Seems recent.
- No, that's Andy, the reason it seems more recent Is because many of us here have never stood up And asked for everyone's attention, And it seems like you've done that on several occasions.
Everyone, I've noticed that We've not been entirely kind to one of our own, Due to stigmas and prejudices.
Oh, when you got your new phone That's when you asked for everyone's attention.
World cup.
That's what I was thinkin'.
You kept announcing scores.
It's the world's only international sport, so This is hoy.
No, this is Holly.
No This is Holly.
No, this is Holly.
NoThis is Michael Scott.
So what can I do for you, Holly? I'm calling because There was a terrible car accident.
Oh, really? Was anyone killed? A lot of people.
- Any nuns? - Three nuns.
Missionaries from South Africa.
Were they in the missionary position? bah bah dah dah hot pizza, eck it and see dah dah dah dah I got a whole bunch-a pepperoni Yeah.
Now you're lookin' at me.
Anyone who's interested in entering into An hest discussion about the sexual mores and taboos Of modern society will be rewarded with a pizza break.
Do you ever wonder what life would have been like If you hadn't been transferred? - Yeah.
- We would have twins.
I don't think we'd have kids.
- Mm-hmm.
- We dated for a few weeks.
- Mm-hmm.
We would be married.
Michael, I've been dating AJ for a year and a half now.
You do this, you know.
Do what? You romanticize things.
I don't romantici - N-no - Michael, you cried At that tag line for a movie you made up.
He had no arms or legs.
He couldn't see, hear, or speak.
This is how he led a nation.
You made us out to be more than we were.
Maybe we were more than we were.
I don't know what you're getting so upset about.
We had a fun fling a long time ago.
It's a good memory.
Okay, all right.
I gotta go.
Michael he forgot to mention the herpes.
It didn't come up organically.
To accommodate the suppliers.
Gentlemen, nice to see you it'll be just a moment.
If you could show them into conference room "b.
" The pharmaceutical company Should be able to accommodate us.
How do I do it? Raise my daughter Work as director of office purchasing for this hospital, And release an album of Doris day covers On my own label? If I knew, I'd tell you.
It's nice to see you doin' so well.
I'm really happy.
Me and Astrid against the world.
We're lovin' it.
Yeah, so.
Kinda the supermom.
- Bringin' home the bacon.
- Yeah.
fry it up in a pan never, never, never let you forget you're a man love that commercial.
I don't understand the reference.
Well Michael, it was nice to get your call.
We had to come over right away it's urgent.
- Okay.
- Michael has something To tell you.
Shh! Are you gonna keep me in suspense? - Ah-ah-ahem.
- Would you excuse me? - Okay, I'm gonna Head outta here.
I know you have a lot to talk about, okay? Is there An operating theater That's open to visitors? Never mind.
I'll find it.
- He hasn't changed.
- No.
SoWhat couldn't wait? Am I the kind of person To misremember our relationship As something more than it was? Michael Scott, You are here for a postmortem.
What? You wanna dig into our relationship Go over it, see what killed it.
I'm in.
So guys, I've been really bothered By the way certain people are getting treated around here, AndI just think as an office we're better than that.
Okay, now, I'm gonna show you a picture Of genitalia.
- What, 'cause he's black? - Nope.
It's 'cause it's genitalia.
Perfectly normal genitalia, tuna.
Now I'm gonna show you another picture Of perfectly normal genitalia.
Oh, my God! Am I blocking anybody? Can everybody see? Perfectly normal.
Big deal.
Yeah, sure, it's got some herpes on it.
But you know what? It's just as normal as anyone else's.
In the beginning, we were not good.
WellThere was a bit of a learning curve In the conversation department, But between the sheets, We were like Jordan and pippen.
Well, if there's anything exciting about it, It was because we both knew it was wrong.
- Because we worked together.
- No.
Okay, imagine there's a princess Who falls for a guy beneath her station, And the queen doesn't like this at all.
And the princess knows that the queen doesn't like it, And so it makes her want to do it all the more Just to get at the queen.
- Am I the princess? - No, I'm the princess.
And the queen.
So I'm the guy at the station.
Mommy! Assy! Oh! how was school? It was cool.
what did you learn? what did I learn? you might have learned shapes or blocks or clocks or colors or you might have learned that we're all sisters and brothers - I haerpes.
- What? You I used to think that she was the one.
Or at least a "the one.
" And if I called that one so wrong Herpes, like all stds, is a consequence of sex.
Can anyone else name any other consequences? It feels unbelievable.
Okay, I guess we can make a pros column.
Feels Unbelievable.
The ability to express love physically.
It's a magical thing.
Express love.
It feels amazing.
Um, okay, is that different from feels unbelievable? - Yes.
- Then I will write it down.
The feeling of pure risk.
Creed, I had that in the cons column, But It's thrilling.
Um, then We'll move that.
"thrill of risk.
" Andy, aren't there also negatives to sex? Yes! Thank you.
Such as Unplanned pregnancy.
Unplanned pregnancy.
- Like Jim and pam what? - Hey.
Just admit that your baby was a mistake.
Hey, hey, hey.
Our baby was not a mistake.
She was a surprise.
I'm sure they don't regret having that child.
Let's move it to the pros.
Thank you.
Unplanned pregnancy.
Going in the pros column.
Next up is helene.
You're gonna want to make a left on willow, Which is a little ways away.
Uh, I'll remind you.
You know, I don't know if I trust jan's judgment.
She Jan knows paper.
No, not paper.
To have the ability to point out If a man is making a bigger deal out of something Than is really there.
Wait, what Holly said? - Yes! I don't - forget it, Michael.
Today is about herpes.
I know.
Okay? Who gave it to you, who has it - Right.
- And who is going to pay.
- Okay.
- To answer your question About jan no, jan is insane.
Why do you think I Left! Willow now! All right! God! Hi, stranger.
Long time.
Who are you? I'm Michael.
We dated for a while.
I don't think so.
Michael? Oh, hey! Dwight, would you take my grandmother for a walk While I talk to the real helene? - Come on, old lady, let's go.
- What is happening? Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Come on.
Who can tell me the safest form of safe sex? - Condoms.
- Incorrect.
The only true form of safe sex Okay? Abstinence.
Oh! I didn't realize we were doing Trick questions.
What's the safest way to go skiing? Don't ski.
I just thought I'd bring it up In case someone here was practicing abstinence.
That's all.
Anybody? Andy, that's way too personal of a question.
Well, someone could answer it if they wanted to.
Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on using This pencil.
oh, God! What? Why choose a pencil, Andy? Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar.
It's not exactly hard right now anyway.
Come on, give it a rest, pencil Dick! I'm doing this for you, Meredith! - I didn't want it! - Well, did you WhyDidn't Does no one appreciate what I'm doing right now? Whoa! It'll go away in time.
Just don't touch it.
Did I make more of what we had Than was really there? What did you think we were? Just a Quirky indie movie Weird sorta thing Breakin' all the rules But had to end Because the summer was over.
For you.
- I-I think that for you to have come here Even expecting That we could have a conversation like this Shows how how self-deluded you are.
Michael, yourMemory has failed you greatly.
Michael So this is a chef's kitchen, Which makes it perfect for real entertainers.
Real entertainer, like Billy Joel.
- Michael.
- Carole.
How are you? I'm great.
How are you? I'm great.
I saw your sign outside, And I decided, I'm gonna pull in, And maybe I'm going to buy a house from her.
You didn't call my office And ask them where I was? No! that's so 'cause the receptionist told me that a man called, But he would only say that he was my ex-lover.
- Weird.
- Yeah.
Sounds like a nice guy.
I don't know, I mean, people were being really mean to Meredith But this wasn't really about Meredith, was it? You and Erin were broken up How is that relevant to anything? I asked you if it was okay if I asked her out.
You said and I quote "my good sir, nothing would make me happier Than to hand you the hand of the hand once in my hand.
" I specifically remembered it Because you said it in such a weird way.
Well, the only reason I said that Is 'cause you asked me so politely And it was very difficult for me to say no.
I'll let this slide.
But I expect you to put this whole Erin thing behind you.
Oh, wow.
Another living room.
It's a family room.
You put the tv there.
You put your family here.
Michael, why are you here? Somebody told me That I romanticize relationships.
You know, we all do that.
I have herpes.
What? Did you have that while we were together? I just found out today.
It's It's right there.
What, that's what you're talking about? - Mm-hmm.
I'm sorry.
Did you have a doctor check it out? I'm between specialists right now.
Yes, Michael.
Actually, you do make a bigger deal out of things Than you need to.
You proposed to me on our fourth date.
Well, I believe in love at first sight.
Well, so do I, But we didn't love each other at first either.
I don't know what you were thinking.
I know what I was thinking at the time, But right now, it just seems ridiculous.
Excuse me.
Someone died in the upstairs bathroom, didn't they? No.
We should Schedule meetings, 'cause the days can slip away with chitchat.
Are you crying? No.
I'm just sweating.
I don't know what's got you upset, But my advice is Stop crying.
I'm not crying.
I'm sweating.
Look, you need to pick yourself up.
Man up, all right? Son, you will win this in the end.
It's all about heart And character.
Be your best self.
I have no idea what his problem is.
It's just my standard advice.
It's good advice, right? This is Holly flax.
I can't come to the phone right now, But please leave a message At the sound of the tiny truck backing up.
Hi, Holly, it's Michael.
I just wanted to call and let you know That I was thinking about what you said.
It's justYou know It's weird.
Today I Ended up seeing a lot of the women that ud to date, And iny mind, ey were all great.
And then when I actually saw them, It was mostly a freak show.
And you and me, That must have been a real Train wreck.
You know what? Holly, you're wrong.
You are wrong.
I remember every second of us.
And talking to you today I don't feel for them anything like what I feel for you.
It's I didn't joke with any of them.
I joked with you.
You were the only one Who was actually happy to hear from me.
And I don't know why you downgraded what we had, But I did not make us up.
Oh, and you might you should talk to a doctor Because you might have herpes.
- What is this about? - Oscar We once sucked face in public As parof an office presentation Destroy the stigma about gay kissing.
Do you recall? Yes, and You may have given me a sexually transmitted disease.
- What? - Herpes duplex.
****** I already contacted all of my ex-lovers except for you.
- We were never lovers.
- I'm gonna need a list of every men you've ever had sex with.
- I'm talking train stations, *** - *** - ***** - **** - ***** - ***** Oscar, think about Think.