The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Costume Contest

What about this one? It's kind a bad ass, right? Just seems kind of crazy in the way I might need right now.
I don't know That's not yours.
Stanley just drunk OJ out of my mug and didn't seem to realize that wasn't his hot coffee, so the question has to be asked Is there no limit to what he won't notice? What's a seven letter word for purse? - Sachet.
- No, starts with an H.
Hmm, thank you.
All right, everybody.
Take a seat.
As you may have heard, our branch on the planet Jupiter Is up 8,000% in sales.
Hold up.
That clock is slow.
It is 5:00.
I will see you all tomorrow.
Bye, Stanley.
Love you.
So long, Stanley.
Good night, everybody.
So what kind of statement Are you making with that costume, Kevin? Well, the statement that I'm making, Oscar, Is I kind of look like Michael Moore.
- Dunder-Mifflin, the is Erin.
Happy Halloween.
How can I haunt you today? A lot of people are really Getting into Halloween this year.
Six seconds, MacGruber! Pam's got a lot of fun stuff planned two seconds, MacGruber! Including a costume contest and bobbing for apples And a Ouija board.
Oh, boom! Ohh, explosion! MacGruber! People are really into the costume contest this year.
Might have something to do with the prize.
Maybe you've heard of it.
The 2011 Scranton/Wilkes-barre coupon book, Worth over $15,000 in savings.
Too late.
If I was the real Scranton strangler, You'd be so strangled by now.
And if you're out there, strangler, You will get caught.
By me.
Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us That he's not the Scranton strangler.
To my chickens, I'm the Scranton strangler.
That's very funny.
Looks like someone decided to dress up As ol' Dwight Schrute's mom.
- What? - You're only 1/3 as beautiful And about half her height.
I am supposed to be olive oil.
And it makes more sense when I'm standing next to Popeye, But Jim doesn't want to put his costume on.
I am Popeye.
I've never really been a costume guy.
Even when I was a kid, it just felt like something I was too old for, heh.
And then, this morning, Pam hands me this little number.
- In case you can't read my-my-my poker face We will be reviewing our sales policies.
I have ten seconds to explain them Or this whole place blows up.
MacGruber! Lame.
Why don't witches wear panties? Oh, here we go.
Because they need to grip the broom.
- Oh! Who likes to water-ski on Lake Erie? No, what Where does Dracula like to water ski? Lake Erie.
When our warehouse workers make deliveries, They're gonna be encouraged to offer clients Extra products.
And then they will split those commissions with sales.
Wait, so drivers are gonna be able to sell paper On the road? That is correct.
- Has anyone started calling you Gabe-wad yet? Not here, no.
- Gabe-wad.
Okay, guys, fun is fun, but Blacula.
Oh, so I almost forgot.
You'll find this hilarious.
Apparently, corporate is going to have Drivers sell paper on their routes now.
That's like exactly sort of the idea that you had.
Yes, I do remember saying something like that to you.
I'm sorry.
I blew this.
You should have gotten credit for that, man.
I'm just glad we're gonna try it out.
Really? We're good? We're cool.
What's that in your shirt? Oh, that's a ream of paper.
Thought you might hit me.
Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy In the world.
And you know what I'd like? I would like to have all the racists Brought together And take Darryl Philbin out to lunch.
Just to see what they're missing.
It's a great stick, right? It's really good.
I feel like you might win the whole thing with that.
Everyone realizes this coupon book Is not actually worth $15,000, right? You'd have to spend $200,000 on crap you don't even need To get $15,000 worth of benefits.
Heh, I'm not the only one who sees this, right? No.
- No, it - no.
I get that.
I get that.
Um, excuse me, everyone.
I want to invite you all to the Halloween party I'm having at my bar.
You own a bar? Public school at exit 11? That's a greatName.
You're hilarious.
SoYou're all on the list.
- Hey, man, can I get a plus-five? It's all guys.
Hey, what's the crowd like, Danny? Our age? Okay.
I don't think that she would leave Jim For Danny.
I don't know.
They're both handsome.
Pam is gonna choose whoever has a scent Most like that of her father.
Does anyone remember what her dad smelled like? - I think he - hey, hey, gang, quiet.
Here she comes.
Did you hear about that Danny guy? Heard he used to date Pam.
So, four years ago, When I was in Stanford, Connecticut And dating someone else - Mm-hmm.
Pam went on two dates with Danny.
Which was obviously The greatest love story ever told, Given how much people are walking on eggshells around us.
We were basically Romeo and Juliet.
- That's right.
- Except where Juliet Doesn't have that great a time, And Romeo doesn't call back after two dates.
But I've learned to love again.
He's a cartoon sailor.
And he looks so handsome in his uniform.
No, I'm not gonna no.
If you want us to skip this party I don't care.
I am never gonna forget What Danny did to Pam.
I forget nothing.
I'm like an elephant in that way.
You know what eleph buh this This sucks for Jim, right? But it also sucks for us, Because we don't get invited to a ton of Halloween parties.
Yeah, and, like, everyone's gonna be there.
Stanley, Phyllis, Angela, Darryl, creed's a maybe.
Creed's going? Madge from the warehouse Just made her first sale.
We should have been doing this a long time ago.
Erin, would you please do me a solid And get Darryl Philbin on the speakerphone.
Hi, Darryl.
Come out here, please.
I'm good.
You need to stop being so shy.
Come out here and embrace who you really are, Superstar.
This is embarrassing, Michael.
Yeah, I bet it is.
If you're gonna do your job well here You gotta get used to being embarrassed.
Let me put my shoes on.
Um, hit the speakerphone button.
The speakerphone button? Same button as you hit before.
Or sit on it.
This whole delivery/sales idea, You know whose that was? That was Darryl Philbin's.
He thought of that way before the corporate fat suits.
So what happened? I got in the way.
I said no.
And it just stopped.
But then, corporate comes up with this idea.
But you know what? They need to know that it was yours.
And I don't care if I take a bullet, We're going to call them.
We're going to put them on speakerphone right now.
And we are going to straighten this out.
Screw corporate.
They probably stole the idea anyway.
Corporate stole nothing.
Okay? Darryl brought this idea to me, And then I told them, giving Darryl full credit.
So no need to "screw corporate.
" Everyone, let's give Darryl a round of applause As planned.
I'm a little peeved at Darryl right now.
He went to Gabe behind your back.
No, he didn't go behind my back, He went over my head.
He went over your head to go behind your back.
What is taking someone from behind? No, shh, Michael, listen.
This cannot stand.
We can't have workers going straight to corporate.
It makes your job superfluous.
It was a good idea, though.
Yeah, here's another good idea.
Corporate chain of command.
We need to strangle Darryl's idea.
- Hey, Danny.
- Hey.
I'm really sorry, But we can't come to your party tonight.
Ah, I was looking forward To throwing some darts with you guys.
- Well - Okay, well, then, Maybe we could do it Like next Halloween.
- Oh, for sure.
- We're just, like, Totally caught in the middle here.
What are you talking about? Well, Jim and Pam basically begged us not to go.
Jim and Pam really don't want you to go? They're really upset About the whole Danny situation.
I'll talk to them.
Yeah, but just don't tell them That we said anything to you.
Okay? Okay.
Or you're dead.
Great costume.
- Thanks.
- Oh Kelly! You cannot change costumes In the middle of the day! Pam, she's out.
Um, if I'm out, I'm gonna Sue this entire company For discrimination! Guys, you're arguing over a 1 in 16 chance.
Over a prize worth Um, 15,000 bucks, Oscar.
Yeah, shut it, Oscar.
This is an amazing prize.
I mean, I don't even want to give Pam a compliment 'cause she's so blech.
But she did a good job.
I really want that coupon book.
Garbage magnet.
Garbage magnet.
God, magnets are interesting enough.
You don't need to tart 'em up with some design.
I can't believe this doesn't make you mad.
What the hell are they talking about? Hmm, Kevin and Gabe.
Probably about the extremes of the human physique.
Do you think Kevin is going over my head? I don't oh, my God.
Okay, all right! All right! All right, you know what? That's inappropriate, Kevin.
I am your boss, and if you have something to say, It goes through me, And then I take it to Gabe.
Chain of command.
Do you understand? - I am so sorry.
- Oh, you're sorry? - I just thought - what did you just thought? Well, Gabe asked me if there were any really cool Lady gaga moves that he could do for the catwalk, And so then I told All right.
I told him that there was this one cool move Where she powers down like a robot.
Okay? But I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you first.
Well, don't let it happen again.
You think that I would let this happen again? No way, Jose! I'm you, Gabe.
Can you imagine? It's just crazy.
That is crazy.
We would never care if Andy or Kevin went to your party.
Look, I'm just glad we can laugh about it, Because I was a little nervous about coming to work here With, you know, our history.
Oh, my gosh.
Everyone keeps blowing that out of proportion.
It's not even a history.
It's not like you guys had some long relationship, right? Big, painful breakup I don't know about? - Two or three dates.
- It was two.
Was it two? I thought it was three.
No, we, um We had plans for a third, But then, I don't know, You never called me back, so Ooh.
You can't handle the truth.
Well, that does not sound like me.
It was, though.
That's what happened.
Well, great.
I just wanted to make sure things weren't weird.
Okay, this whole "going over my head gate" Is making people act weird.
Chain of command is crumbling.
Do you know what just happened? I just made Kevin cry.
And Gabe looks like lady gaga.
That's not Halloween.
Halloween should be a day in which we honor monsters And not be mad at each other.
I'm not mad.
Are you mad? You went over my head, and then you lied to my face, So my head and my face have taken a beating.
Well, I'm sorry if it seems that way to you.
Okay, that might help, If you said "I'm sorry" in front of everybody - Mike.
- In front of me.
You made a bad call.
And I fixed it.
So I'm not apologizing.
So that's it? - That's it.
- Is it? Yes.
Suck it.
Bill Compton from true blood.
How many freakin' vampires Am I supposed to care about these days? I guess you could say I'm still in costume.
I'm a rational consumer.
Oh, yeah.
Stupid coupon booklet.
You see my costume? I'm a rational consumer.
Yeah, I heard you say it to Phyllis.
That's a good line.
Okay, everybody, after you walk the runway, Everyone has to vote for who gets the coupon book, And you can't vote for yourself.
Pam, can you vote for other people? Got to get in on this.
Hey, it's cool, man.
I work in the warehouse.
I'm cool! I'm hip and I'm jive, But I don't care about nobody! Do you know who I am? Happy Halloween, jerk! Still don't know who I am? I'll give you a hint.
I go over other people's heads.
Michael, this is a bad idea.
What's a bad idea? Dressing up as somebody I mean, when has that ever worked for you? Never! Okay, you know what? Fine.
I'm not Darryl.
And thank God I'm not Darryl.
Could you for once just let us enjoy a party Instead of making it about all your issues? get a jolt from my electrode they did the monster mash the monster mash He's a warrior.
they did the mash Yes.
they did the monster mash I present to you the "rational consumer.
" As it were.
Igor on chains backed by his baying hounds Slow.
Nice and slow, honey, yeah.
Angela as a nurse.
Don't slow it down.
There it is.
I don't like your tone.
Look, they were sold out Of all the other costumes, okay? Think we all live in the real world here.
Let's not pretend to be unaware Of what sells in this office.
What should we ask? Hey, can I play? Why don't you ask if Darryl is a bad friend Who backstabs people in the back? We have one question to ask the spirit world, And you want us to ask that? He says no.
Ah, Darryl moved it.
You moved it.
Hey, Dwight, you saw Darryl move it, right? Let's just say I saw Exactly what the two of you wanted me to see.
I know how to sit on a fence.
Hell, I can even sleep on a fence.
The trick is to do it face down With the post in your mouth.
If you had one word you would use to describe Darryl, What would that word be? "a" "s" "s".
"e" "t".
An asset.
Aah! Aah! That's enough.
I don't think it's gonna work out the way you think.
I don't think you get it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
This is some party, huh? When you work hard, you play hard around here.
Even if you don't work hard.
Oh, here's something.
Mm? Uh, why didn't you ever call Pam back? Are you serious? Yeah.
I mean, I'm not saying that everybody Has to fall in love or anything.
I'm just saying, but to, you know, To not even call her back is Know what it was? I think she gave me her number, But then, like, her fours looked like eights, and then Could be.
But you also called her the second time, So you had the number right.
Halpert, you looking for someone to bang your wife? - Nope.
- Okay.
You want to know? I didn't call her back Because she spent the whole date talking about you.
She was obviously in love with you.
grooving from side to side Wait, she hasn't moved in a while.
Er Two.
I got two.
I ate two whole apples.
I'd remember talking about Jim.
That wasn't it.
Just tell her the real reason.
You honestly want to know Why I didn't call her back on a date over four years ago? Hey, she had a nice time.
It seems rude.
I did.
And it's one of those things That's just gonna keep gnawing at me.
Like gnaw, gnaw.
"why? Why didn't he? I have no idea why.
" okay.
Honestly, I didn't call you back 'cause I thought you seemed a little Dorky.
- Hey, man - Thank you.
Thank you.
I got it.
Now I know.
You thought I was a little dorky.
You know? Okay.
Well, excuse me.
In the future, you need To get Michael's approval On anything before coming to me.
Thank you.
You're gonna miss out on some good ideas.
Okay, well, obviously, If it's a really really good idea, Then my door is open to that.
If they're good ideas, I'm not gonna say no.
- You said no to this one.
- That's okay.
I make one mistake in 15 years And you drag me over the coals.
After everything I did for you? - What have you done for me? - Oh - What have you done for me? - Well Ed truck hired me.
Jo promoted me.
Gabe listened to me.
All you've ever done was say no to me.
I have ambition.
And you kept me at the same level for years.
Oh, dropping bombs, right? Must really make you think, Michael.
Stop it.
We're thinking.
We're thinking about it.
You don't have to point to the fact That we're thinking about it.
Stop it.
Just let us think.
Okay, next time you have a really great idea, We will put it in a hat And then we will have Erin pick it out of the hat And let her decide.
I don't understand the point of the hat.
You're right.
We don't need a hat.
I am not budging on the hat issue.
Okay, we're gonna table the hat question.
The best ideas are gonna come to me.
I make the final decision.
We both reserve the right to go to Jo If we disagree with Gabe.
- Okay.
- Fair enough.
Why don't we simplify this? Darryl brings it to Michael.
Michael brings it to me.
No one calls Jo.
Unless you and I decide we want to talk to Jo.
Then we'll give her a call.
I'm sorry I lied to you.
I'm sorry.
I was a jerk.
Friends fight.
Friends fight.
What's up, man? Sometimes it seems like It was better down in the warehouse, you know? When I was a freshman in college, I worked at the student newspaper, The Cornell daily sun.
This was at Cornell.
I had to write an op-ed column Bernard's regards.
This was your freshman year? I started to ask myself "do I have big plans here?" I didn't want to become editor of that paper.
So I got up and walked right out of Walter Bernard hall.
And that's actually when I heard Eight male voices singing, Unencumbered by instruments.
I was hooked.
So is becoming CEO of this company Your a cappella group? Come on.
We're going to Danny's bar.
Public school.
No, I got some work to do.
I do have big plans at this company.
To be honest, I still can't believe He didn't call her back.
Who doesn't call a dork like that back? Spinach in a can.
Powerful spinach.
- Aw, my hero.
Okay, everyone, I've tallied the votes.
And the winner of the costume celebration spectacular And the Scranton/Wilkes-barre coupon book, Oscar Martinez.
Really? If I have to vote for someone I don't want it to be someone who can be me.
Shake things up.
I'm an inner guy.
Best Edward James Olmos costume I've ever seen.
Like freaky good.