The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - China

Why? That's all it takes.
all feet, no hands and I'll have the pededexterity of a chimp and you'll be sitting there like an idiot.
Okay, here we go.
Ah, yes.
- Do you mind? - I'm sorry, Pam.
Allow me to write you an apology letter.
You don't have to do that.
- D-e-a oops, space, "a.
Dear" thank you, hands.
Nothing else in the universe can do what you do.
Oh, don't worry about it.
Dwight, it's okay.
You were wrong.
It's so hot.
Well, "a" for effort, right? Welcome.
Start your morning right with a burst of blueberry or try plain.
What's the occasion? Dwight said this entry was a waste of space.
I would like Du blueberry, por favor.
- $8.
- $8? Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant.
Not a literal war, unfortunately.
But I am using the same tactics.
I have surrounded the enemy and I'm slowly starving them.
To save on electricity, I have installed a timer and motion censors on the lights.
It's part of my green initiative.
And by green, I mean money.
- Mm-hmm.
Michael, how was the dentist? It was great.
Are you okay? What's wrong? Everything here was made in China, Pam.
Yeah, that's where they make stuff.
They used to make stuff in America, Andy, but we're falling behind.
Did you know that? China is a sleeping dragon that is just beginning to stir.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
Right here.
It is right there.
Anybody read the news anymore? China is on the move.
I found that in the waiting room at the dentist's office.
This kid had the magazine I wanted to read.
That's the only one I could reach and I read it and then I read it again.
My whole life I believed that America was number one.
That was the saying.
Not America's number two.
England is number two.
China should be like eight.
Hey, Andy.
Hey, Darryl.
You gotta stop texting me so much.
But I wanted you to know that Michael and I are wearing the same tie today.
It's insane.
You need to change your standard for what's worthy of a text.
Ask yourself, "is this something Darryl needs to know?" The answer's almost always "no.
" Got it.
Then I will call you.
There was a time when the only people who texted you were people you wanted to text you.
And they'd all say the same thing.
"I'm comin' over, baby.
" And I would text back.
" Bring that Booty.
Why is the toilet paper only half a ply? Oh, I'm sorry.
Is that not good enough for your anus? Don't get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.
Okay, um, Stanley, maybe you can just unspool a little more each time you need to don't tell me how to do my business.
Stanley, as a fellow dunder Mifflin employee I feel for you, but like you, I am completely powerless to the whims of the new building owner.
Which is you.
"Which is you" is not a sentence.
I disagree with.
Are you gonna just sit there office administrator or are you gonna do something? Dwight, can we talk about these cut backs? Pam, when I'm sitting at this desk, I'm a salesman.
If you wanna talk to the new building owner, you should call Nate and schedule an appointment.
I'm not gonna do that.
Well, then you're not going to talk to new building owner, which is a shame, because I hear he's a very reasonable guy.
Y'ello? Hi, Nate.
It's Pam Halpert.
Oh, hey, Pam.
Hey, I would just love to schedule a meeting today with Dwight.
Let me just put you on hold st for one eensy second.
- Dwight Schrute.
Tell her I'm busy.
I don't know.
Make something up.
Hey, Pam, Dwight's being questioned by the police in a connection with a string of dognappings that have been Dwight.
Dwight, can you please tell new building owner that he is screwing over all the people he works with.
People he's worked with for ars.
His friends.
You know what, Pam? You're right.
This isn't just a business, this is a home.
And I would much rather see a smile from Kevin than save hundreds on plumbing and electricity.
Oh, my God.
What? According to the Internet the tallest man in the world is Chinese.
So much for keeping our secrets up high.
What's America gonna do? I know what we're gonna do.
We're gonna put our best minds on it.
Everybody, stop working.
I want you all to imagine a world in which America is not the number-one super power.
Where forks are irrelevant.
And where every man, woman and child is expected to learn how to play the cello.
Now, open your eyes.
You never told us to close them.
Welcome to your future.
What do we do? How do we stop this? How do we stop it? With a big idea.
That's what America is built on.
Big ideas, blue jeans, the grand canyon.
Who's got one? Who's got a big idea? An idea bigger than the grand canyon? Yes, indeed.
Yes, Kevin.
An antacid that you only take once a week.
- Once-a-week antacid is the idea to beat.
Anyone else? Nobody? Okay, then, we are - Michael.
- Yes.
An acid pill that you take once every six weeks.
Why not go just one for the year? I don't know.
It's too big a pill to swallow.
All right.
What if we all get together and help each other and hire a new guy and then we all kill him but first we take out, like, a $100,000 life insurance policy? I bet you guys like that idea, don't you? I think that's what they're doing to me.
I can't prove it, but I wanted to see their faces when I said it.
I learned nothing.
I don't know what the *** that was.
I say we bomb 'em.
By 2020 they're gonna be the world's largest economy and they're getting a taste r protein.
We'll all starve.
Yeah, Dwight's right, we should drop the bomb.
No, he's not we're not where would we even drop it, Phyllis? Did you know that in China there are 56 cities with over a million people? You know how many we have here? Nine.
Actually, that's not true.
I know the figure you're referring to and it's a projection of 15 years from now.
Thank God.
No, that is right now.
Michael, China's agrarian.
Urbanizing fast? You betcha.
But still agrarian.
Most in terms of land not population.
Come on, Michael, you couldn't no! No, you're wrong about this.
Where are you getting this information? I got it from New York times dot com.
- Uh-oh.
Getting nervous, Oscar? Okay, someone look it up.
I'm on it, Jim.
I'm on it.
Guys, it's not worth it.
Guys this is not worth our time.
"Are you watching this?" Seriously? Well, are you? I'm sittin' right here.
Got it.
China has 56 cities with a population of over one million.
The U.
has nine.
Suck it, Oscar.
Well, on the plus side all this worrying about China has made you smarter than Oscar, Michael.
Great, I was wrong.
I'm wrong.
Is everyone happy? So I happen to know more than the smartest guy in the office.
So what? I don't care.
Okay, now, where were we before I bested Oscar? Wow, so this building can get uglier.
I will not work in a roach billboard.
Oh, my God.
I can't look at roaches.
Michael, do something about this.
Pam, this is exactly why I hired you as office administrator.
Handle it.
Takin' care of business.
Dwight, take it down.
I'm serious.
Take it down or else.
Or else.
Or else what? There's nothing you can do.
We can move out.
Really? So does anyone wanna know where I've been for the last two hours? Oh, my God, I've been playing zombie soccer for two hours? I went out to look for a better office space.
Waste of time.
Not really, because I found one.
Oh, wow.
These are nice.
Let me see.
Look at the huge offices, Jim.
Yeah, I know.
Check out that conference room.
- Totally.
- You can't just move out.
Oh, in three months we can.
Check the lease.
And if you don't undo all the changes you've made, we're moving.
Hey, guys, can I show you some pictures? Oh, my gosh, she's so cute.
She looks like both of you.
- They're not of Cece.
- Oh, cool.
This is possibly our new dunder Mifflin office.
Well, I like being in the same building as Bob.
It keeps me honest.
This building isn't far and it's much newer.
There's a dry cleaner, a nail place and a gym.
Oh, and it's next door to an outback so it always smells like steak.
Are you trying to kill me? Is the nail place Koreans or whites? Koreans.
And the dry cleaners? White? Good.
Whoa, there's a lot of brain power in this room.
We got Michael and Oscar, the two smartest guys in the office.
Also, in that order.
Jim, that is funny.
Very comedically humorous, Jim.
I have a computer question.
Hey, Oscar? What is it? Can you move aside so that I can ask Michael? All right.
All right, I get it.
Michael, how do I create a new tab? Try control "p".
That's print.
Not if the printer isn't hooked up.
You're making some very dangerous assumptions, Oscar.
Oscar, it must be killing you now that Michael is smarter than you.
He's he's not smarter than me.
He was just right about one thing.
Yeah, but it was really a smart thing to be right about, actually.
Actually, it was.
Around here Oscar is known as "actually" because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts or correct grammar.
Actually, you're speculating.
He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican.
"Megan fox.
Question mark.
" What's that mean? Meagan fox.
Come on.
You know what? You're one bad text away from gettin' blocked.
Yes, but one good text away from a high five.
You accept these terms? Oh, it's on.
In your perfect world what would make this building awesome? I'm putting together kind of a wish list.
I wish for a million wishes.
Yeah, no, I'm not a genie.
I'm just talking about Then see you later, building.
You can't possibly be serious.
I said see you later, building.
- Hey, Michael.
- Hey.
I was thinking about some of the stuff you said earlier about China.
I'd love to talk more about it.
- Maybe over some coffee later? - Sure.
Do you know what you just agreed to? - Just coffee, Jim.
- No, it's not just coffee.
He's trying to set you up, Michael.
What's gonna happen is he's gonna try to bring up whatever you're talking about in a very casual way.
But secretly he'll be trying to trip you up.
And when he does, boom, it's awful.
Haven't you noticed that I don't bring up the tour de France around him? Yes.
And then, he will smugly pay the check and make you feel so small.
All right, well, I just need to learn everything about China.
To be safe I should learn everything about everything but I don't have time.
Okay, I'll just learn about China and science and geography and math and literary.
No politics? I'm pretty good on politics.
California is bankrupt.
And California, California.
What? Parlay.
My office.
Five minutes.
Parlay? Pirate code.
He wants to meet.
So everyone here knows pirate code? I understand it.
I can't speak it.
Pam, I am not an unreasonable man.
If you guys stay, I will stop watering down the soap.
You've been watering down the soap? Why do you even need soap? Are you that bad at going to the bathroom? We want everything back the way it was.
You don't wanna move.
Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do in life.
You'll probably just take it out on your kid.
Jim will turn to the drink.
The family will fall apart.
And 25 years from now, Cece will become world famous for stripping.
That's a sad story.
I have another one.
We move, the other tenants follow, the banks takes the building, takes your farm, takes your car and beats the crap out of you.
Penniless, you die.
And my daughter, Cece, dances on your grave fully clothed.
Where is Tibet? Pass.
- When was China founded? - Pass.
Two for two.
Keep it up.
Who is mao? - Life line.
- Damn it, Michael.
You are moments away from the smack down of your life.
If you don't know something, steer the conversation back to something you do know.
I could talk about boobs.
I bet he knows nothing about boobs.
What do you know about boobs? Michael, I have to tell you something.
It's from rocky ii.
Thank you.
This guy doesn't just wanna win, you know, he wants to burry you.
He wants to humiliate you.
Wait, wait, wait.
How long is this gonna take? I'm like a quarter of the way through.
Is it gonna be worth it? No.
Just in case, Michael, I made you a cheat sheet.
I don't need to cheat.
Show him how to use it.
Here it is right here.
Pull over.
Pull over.
Oh, my God.
No way.
Man, look at that.
There's no building.
This can only mean one thing.
- Building's underground.
- She was lying.
Oh, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam.
- Yeah.
- Pam? - What? - I'm Pam.
- Oh.
- No, you're not.
I'm sorry, we have a colleague with the same name.
Oh, oh, that's funny.
You're not a liar too, are you? I've been known to bend the truth.
Damn it, Pam.
Get out.
Right now.
Leave it.
I mean it.
Get the hell out of here.
Go! I can't wait to do to Pam what I just did to Pam.
- Pam? - Yeah.
You know, I'm the only one here that you haven't asked about the new office.
I know.
Because you're the reason we're moving.
Yeah, but I'm still an employee here, and that part of me is really excited about the change of scenery.
What's the square footage in the new place? Uh, I think it's something like, um What's the exact square footage? Um, let me see.
How many offices are there? - Oh, I'll just look at the one-sheet myself.
- Uh, actually I don't know what I did with the one-sheet.
You know, that's the problem.
You only have one sheet.
Oh, you're a funny guy, Pam.
What's the first thing you guys are gonna do when you move in to the new office? I'm gonna walk down the hall and I'm gonna say, "wow, I can't believe this is real, but it is.
" I can't wait.
I lied about some aspects of the building.
It's still on a bike path, though, right? There's no building.
It doesn't exist.
What does that mean? I needed leverage, so I pulled those pictures off the Internet.
It's just this this office administrator thing, I don't want to What? Fail.
I don't want to fail.
You didn't fail.
That's what you said about art school and that's what you said about sales.
And you didn't fail those things either.
Well, I'm not an artist, and I'm not a salesman.
So what would you call it? Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
Michael, the reason I asked you down here for this chat is I've been thinking that your fears about China are a bit exaggerated.
Did you know that China has a new missile that can sink a U.
naval carrier We have missiles too.
Did you also know that China has secretly been expanding its nuclear arsenal? But what do I know? I mean, that's just according to the Pentagon.
Our Pentagon.
I wasn't here.
What? I wasn't here.
It's a pretty common saying.
You may want to log it away for future use.
Well, thanks.
China has been loaning us billions upon billions of dollars.
We are going to be owing them for the rest of our lives, and they will control us.
Actually, we're in a mild recession right now, I'll give you that, but people use China as the boogeyman for all their problems.
In the 1980s, it was Japan.
How then do you explain that in the past year manufacturing in China has risen by 17%, and in the U.
It has only risen by 8%? Do you really think that manufacturing is a relevant indicator of where the world economy's heading in 2010? Do you know the comparative expansion of, say, the information sector? I'd say that's far more relevant.
Wouldn't you? Don't I Hello.
You're breaking the law.
I love the law.
Read article 19.
There are certain standards that you have to maintain the building at and that includes comfortable temperatures and adequate lighting.
It also means no more cutting the tampons in two and no more tampering with the toilet paper.
I see I've underestimated you and I didn't think that was possible.
Re-ply the paper.
I don't think it goes that way.
- Re-ply it! Don't worry about the coffee.
It's on me.
Yeah, I figured that.
Michael, I am so happy that we were able to have this little chat.
You forgetting something? - What? - This chat.
Two men.
One white.
One Latino.
A boss and a money cruncher.
I could fire you.
Fire him.
Show mercy.
But here we are.
What is your point? My point is That as long as people like you and me don't stop talking Nobody can stop the U.
- Yeah, go, girl.
- Right.
- I am talking about freedom.
- Mm-hmm.
About choice.
America I don't think you need to worry, because if you want to be China, you will.
If you don't, that's fine.
That, my friend, is your victory.
You know, a lot of people say that if you dig long enough and hard enough you will get to China and that may be true, but what they don't tell you is that if you dig long enough and hard enough in a conversation, you get to a friend.
So here is to conversation.
Raise you cups on high.
Case closed.
Yeah! That wasn't what we were discu that wasn't the whole they say the best vampires don't bleed their victims dry, but give them the strength so that they can bounce back only to be fed on again.
I spared Pam and I might feast off of her profits for years to come.
I let Pam win.
I was not motivated by compassion.
I have no compassion.
Make sure you got that.
"Not motivated by compassion.
" Come to parking lot.
Crazy pigeon action.
You're gonna scare them away.
- *** - Yeah, right? That's a new standard.