The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Ultimatum

Next stop, secretary **, we'll read the minutes for Sunday's meeting.
Minutes from previous meeting, oh, knights of the night - No! Jim, hey.
- Oh.
This meeting is for knights of the night only.
Knights of the night are volunteer crime patrollers.
We're often compared to the guardian angels, but we could not be more different from them.
Seriously, we are nothing like the guardian angels.
I mean, broad strokes purposes, sure.
Think guardian angels.
One of our many recent good deeds.
We set out to capture the Scranton strangler.
Mission accomplished.
Not by us.
I'm actually just looking for my BlackBerry, so carry on.
No, no, no, no, no.
I see how this movie ends.
You make fun of me, everyone laughs.
Ha, ha, ha.
Screw you.
Dwight, don't be bothered by your friend's presence.
What are you gonna do now? You gonna make fun of our leader's weird voice, huh? Dwight, don't be bothered vah, vee, vah, vah, vah.
Over the line, Jim.
I'm just looking for my phone, so pretend I'm not here.
Fine.
Minutes from previous meeting of knights of the night.
It's our official name, Jim.
Sounds good.
Reflective strips were glued to patrol jackets.
Knights went outside with flashlights to test them.
Smart.
And the rest was just boiler plate stuff that's go ahead and read it, some people weren't here.
Okay.
Knights stayed outside to play flashlight tag.
Oh, come on.
That sounds awesome.
- It was pretty cool.
- Was it? - It was fun.
- It was it was pretty awesome.
Hey, yeah.
No, I got it.
Just leaving now.
January three, 2011.
A day which will live infamously.
Holly partridge flax, otherwise known as Holly, otherwise-otherwise known as a living, breathing angel, is engaged to another man.
This is freaking me out.
I Okay, let's just switch to the happy video, okay? No, no, no, no.
Let's push through.
We'll do this.
Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life.
Holly gave AJ an ultimatum.
He either proposes by new years or they break up.
Now if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy.
And I'm gonna start attacking people.
If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness.
Either way, I am going to need some talking down.
And nobody talks me down like myself in a video talking me down.
Michael, I know what you're thinking.
Holly is engaged to somebody else and you want to kill yourself.
That may seem like a good idea, but it's not.
Snot.
Sorry, it sounded like you said, "it's snot.
" I'm so sorry.
Okay, so killing yourself I was just thinking about snot.
Good morning.
Hey, guys.
Uh, fun thing.
The index cards on your desk are resolution cards.
You write your new year's resolution on them, I'll collect them, and then display the cards on This Resolution board.
Wow, did your baby draw that? The glitter is blinding.
- Oh, I think it's good.
- It's gonna be fun.
I recently met sue, the office administrator at vance refrigeration.
She has this awesome wall full of fun initiatives and morale boosters and stuff.
Sue just goes for it.
She's awesome.
I know sue, she's not that great.
And you know her husband's in a wheel chair, right? - Okay, champagne.
- Happy.
- Sponge.
- Sad.
To soak up my tears.
Gummi bears and gummi worms.
Bears sad, worms happy.
C'mon, man.
UkulelesHappy? Sad.
Something to break.
Chocolates.
For you, job well done.
Thank you.
And two bottles of scotch.
Both sad.
And did you get the tickets? I did, I did indeed.
Two front row center to Paula Poundstone, live in Poughkeepsie.
Holly's favorite.
I hope she doesn't call us up onstage, that would suck.
Hey, you think you could do my job better? I don't know.
What's your name? Michael.
I'm really excited for Michael either way.
Because if Holly chooses to be with him, he will be so, so happy.
And if not, he'll be avoiding the biggest mistake of his life.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
I'd like to introduce you to a new little friend of mine.
His name is new year's resolution board.
Shaaaaa shut up.
Hello.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
What happened? Is there a ring? So, high five me.
We're back.
To a happy aaaah.
Look at those.
Mittens.
Those a present? Come on.
They're warm.
Those are so fuzzy and warm.
Aah, let me feel those.
Let me feel that.
Put her there.
Give me a good firm one.
Ooh, that's a good, firm handshake.
You're hired.
Yes, well let's get right into the Anderson account, shall we? Oh, definitely.
Yes, yes, right away.
- Okay.
- Yes, yes.
Right away.
Okay.
Hey, hey, hey.
Want me to crank the thermostat to 90? Smoke her out? She can't keep those mittens on forever.
Yes no, what? Stop.
Yes.
Congrat - wow.
- Ooh.
Oh, my God.
That's it, that's it.
Oh, I get it.
Everybody knows about the ultimatum.
Yes, I told everyone.
Ha, ha! Ha, ha! Hey, right back at you, bitch.
Happy, happy, happy, happy! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, calm down! Breathe.
I'm trying.
I said breathe.
I'm trying.
Wait a second.
Are you listening to music? What? Shut that off.
I'm not listening to the music.
Fine, just go crazy for a little while.
Ha ha, whoo! Looking good.
You're looking good.
Mmph, mmph! Oh, I gotcha, I gotcha! I'm pulling you back! - Michael dance-off! Oh, that's nice.
That's nice.
Go! Me, okay! Mm, mm, uh, oh yeah! Nice! We're gonna calm down later.
I'm doing it.
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Right there, right there! Oh, yeah! Hey, Dwight.
I'm collecting resolution cards.
- Not doing that.
- Why not? I've achieved plenty, and there's no better than the best.
Drink less caffeine.
That's a good one, Pam.
Here's mine.
Learn to cook for one.
Yeah, I love cooking.
But I always find myself throwing out half the food that I prepare.
So I figured it's time to start preparing the right amount of food for the right number of people, which is one.
Well, maybe you'll meet someone.
No, some people just don't meet someone.
I'm fine with it.
Really.
This is not a pity party.
It's not a party at all.
It's just sad.
- Angela.
- Yes.
"Make time for romance.
" Who's the senator? My boyfriend.
Oh.
Oh, you mean the state senator.
I'm sorry, I was confused 'cause you accidentally wrote "the senator.
" Wait, wait, wait.
It's that easy? That's not a resolution.
That's just something I wanna do.
Okay, fine.
I can do that.
My resolution is Meet a loose woman.
Oh, God.
- That's a good one.
- Yeah? You know what? That's my new one.
I'm taking that one, too.
Awesome.
You know what you guys should do? Go to the book store at lunch.
There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them.
"Hey, what book is that? "Cool, let's hang out tonight.
Sex already? Whoa.
" - The book store? - It's that easy? I'll come with you, show you how it's done.
- Okay.
- I'll drive.
My resolution is to read more.
And if someone else is driving me to the book store, I can eat my pb&j in the car.
Hello.
Oh, somebody's got a new phone.
- Yeah.
- That is neat.
I got it for Christmas.
I'm so out of my league here.
E.
T.
Phone Holly.
Holly like phone? Holly misses old phone.
Why? New phone is confusing.
Gets bad reception.
Oh, bummer.
Bummer.
Reese's pieces.
Reese's pieces? Oh, God.
Please stop.
I still have my old phone.
This thing, indestructible.
Oh, I should get this.
Hey.
Oh, no.
Don't go see that one.
I want to see that together.
Yeah, go see that action one.
Okay.
I love you, too.
All right.
Holly doesn't seem to be engaged, but she's talking to AJ like she is.
I can't figure it out.
Do you think she's already dating a different AJ? I don't think so.
When you broke it off with Roy did you still tell him you loved him? - No.
- But you did still love him.
- I'm not gonna have - Do you love him now? No! Just talk to her.
No, she'd just resent me.
Or worse, she would think of me as her friend.
Oh, hi friend.
Yuck.
I'll talk to her, Michael.
You think she'd talk to you? Why wouldn't she? That's true, she's really nice.
She'd talk to anybody.
Why don't you bring Erin to balance you out.
There's a plan.
All right.
We should divide up by section.
I will take romance and travel.
I'll take the entirety of the second floor.
I got that cutie behind the counter.
- Well, if you read a lot you should check out our e-readers.
They're really neat.
Oh, I work at a paper company.
Those things terrify me.
They could put us out of business, you know? Heard those machines are, like, ten bucks a month.
Actually, it's $10,000.
Holy.
What? Let me see that.
So light.
Like a croissant.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Welcome.
Let us know if you need anything.
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
Why did we pretend like we work here? Is that what we were doing? I don't know, uh Hey, how'd you do? - Good.
- Good, real good.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I think we kinda nailed it.
Yeah, pretty much.
But, you know, this place is kinda tapped out, so let's roll.
- Cool.
- Okay.
- What'd you get? - A book about oceans.
Oh, really? What else? Let me see.
That's, uh, porn.
Pornography.
Old lady.
Nasty porn.
Follow my lead.
Hey, want some company? Want some company? Oh, sure.
Have a seat.
How were your breaks? Oh, really good.
I went to Portugal.
I went to Portugal.
Oh, wow.
You went together? - No.
- No.
So, I just gotta know.
What's going on with you and AJ? Nothing really happened.
I mean, I know I made a big deal about this whole new year's deadline, but, um, it came and went and we're still together.
You didn't break up with AJ at all? I mean, not even for a week to make him buy you a present? It just wasn't fair of me to give him an ultimatum in the first place.
The whole thing is totally my fault.
But we're gonna be just fine.
Just fine.
- Whoa.
- Hold on.
I am not going back until I fulfill my resolution.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.
Come on, why not? I've never been in one before.
I'm tired of being Mr.
perfect role model all the time.
I'm telling you, don't do it.
I got nothing against strip clubs, but I do have something against them at noon on a Monday.
The day shift at a strip club? You can't unsee that.
Well, we can't just go back.
I mean, we came out to meet women.
Hey, there's a roller rink across the street.
There's always chicks at the rink.
What kind of chicks are you gonna meet there? I don't know.
Single moms at a skating party? Sweet 16, ten-year reunion parties.
Chicks fall down, need help getting back up.
Roller derby practice.
Aah! Rrrawr! We're going skating.
The goal of this meeting is to get everybody excited about their resolutions.
Who's been good about their resolution so far? - Me.
- Mm.
Erin, tell us about it.
Well, my goal was to learn a new word every single day.
And I must say that it is going immensely.
Cool.
Here's a little "way to go" gift from sabre.
- Intercepted.
- Hey.
Huh? Whoops.
Creed, I notice you don't have a resolution on the board.
What's yours? I want to do a cart wheel.
They're real casual, I think.
Not enough to make a big deal out of it.
But I know everybody saw it, just one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.
How's it going? I'm having a little trouble motivating.
One of the hardest parts about making resolutions is keeping them.
In fact, most resolutions are abandoned by February.
- Or sooner.
- Yeah.
- It's not a joke.
- But that's okay.
Because it's not about being perfect, it's about trying.
In fact, why don't we go around and confess some of the ways that we've already fudged on our resolutions? Well, I said that I would eat more vegetables, and I haven't yet.
But it's okay.
I still have time.
Since last year I ate none.
Okay, well, my confession is that today I had a sip of coffee.
But that's fine.
Is it? Yes, because with all of your support, by this time next year maybe I'll be down to one glass of iced tea a week.
Next year? Come on.
I mean, what is the point? What is the point of that? I made a resolution to floss.
And I did it.
Bam! Blood everywhere.
Not all of us are Michael freakin' Scott.
What is wrong with you people? Can't you stick to anything? Erin, I want you to go to the kitchen and get me some vegetables.
Creed, you say you want to do a cartwheel? Nothing's stopping you.
Come on, old man.
Do a cartwheel! Well, I can't.
I don't know how.
You're just going to somersault around for the rest of your life.
And you know what's gonna be on your tombstone? Loser.
My tombstone's already made, thank you.
Just do a cartwheel! This is all I could find.
Eat it.
You don't have to do that, Kevin.
Oh, no.
I'm glad this is happening.
Thank you, Michael.
Why are you eating stem first? This is a new food for me.
How else should I eat it? Can I get some cheez whiz? Or hollandaise? No, no.
No cheez whiz, no hollandaise, no chocolate sauce, just eat it.
Come on, here comes the airplane.
There you goOpen, open, into the hanger, there you go.
- Oh, no.
- Michael.
Yeah, eat it.
Put it in your mouth, and just eat it.
God, I hate it.
I don't care whether you hate it, you said you'd do it! - Michael, Michael.
- All right.
- Eat it, eat it! - Oh, my God.
You're killing him, Michael.
All right, all right, all right! - Michael! - Shh! Okay, I ate the Fluffy part.
Can I be done? Let me see if you swallowed it.
Open your mouth.
Under your tongue.
Oh, God! You guys are pathetic.
Can I get some candy or something? - No, you can't have any candy! - I'll get him water.
Okay, Michael.
Just settle down.
God! Yes, Michael? Not Michael, e.
T.
What's up? Well, I just want to talk about what happened in there.
Oh.
No, Michael.
I don't want to talk about it with you.
And I'm fine, I just I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
Holly, come on in.
Thanks for coming.
I thought there should be an hr rep here for this.
So Kevin and creed, things got a little bit intense in the conference room.
- You think? - And I wanted to apologize.
These resolutions should be about you, and I made it about me.
And it was none of my beeswax.
You were super mean.
It was insensitive and I am sorry.
It was traumatizing, Michael.
I wouldn't be surprised if I never ate a vegetable again.
I really wanted you to follow through on your resolutions.
The cartwheel, the veggies.
I I care about you.
Very much.
And you loom so large in my heart that I crossed the line.
Okay, Michael, no offense.
But you need to get your own life.
You're right.
And I hope that we can still be friends.
I don't think I'm there yet, boss.
- Well, I am.
- Okay.
All right.
- I'm gonna help you.
- Okay, okay.
Hey, uh, it's just you.
Anything you want to hear? Um, Dave Matthews Band.
No hits, deep tracks only.
Okay.
I said, no hits.
- Hey, Ryan.
- Yeah.
How's your fart project coming? That's real, real classy, Kevin.
Hey, was it me or you that just shoved the butt end of a pound of broccoli into my mouth because Michael told me to.
- Me.
- Mm-hmm.
- Kevin, don't.
- Mm.
Come on.
Oh, Pam? SodaCaffeine.
Yeah, just a little.
I have a lot to deal with today.
Well, if you don't have to do 'em Meredith, what are you doing? I could be pregnant.
Okay, no.
Oh, my resolution was to get more attention.
Nope, she's lying.
Hey, Ryan.
One, two, three.
I did it.
I did a cartwheel.
You, [Bleep] You! God! - Okay, that's it.
- God! Lesson learned.
- What's up? - Hey, where'd you go? - To the arcade.
- Oh, cool.
Why, did you meet someone? Yeah.
I did, actually.
- Oh? - His name is Andy.
And he roller skates like a Greek God.
And you know what? I kinda like hanging out with him.
Right on, son.
Gentlemen.
And where did you go? Strip club.
I was looking at the strippers at the strip club.
- Right.
- So that's it, guys? If you want I can put on the strobe.
Yeah! Do you want to keep this? Do you want to keep this? Yeah.
- Do you wanna keep this? - No, you can toss them.
My resolution? I never want to make Holly cry again.
Unless it's from laughing too hard.
Or making love too beautifully.
We're gonna be just fine.
You know how you say something over and over and the words start to sound weird? Going to be just fine.
Just fine, just fine, just fine.
I just think we need to cool things down for a while.
Yeah, a break.
At least until I get back to nashua.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel.
So look where you're going to be placing your hand.
So pick a spot.
- Mm-hmm.
- You ready to do this? - Yes, sir.
You know what? I'm gonna stay here as long as it takes.
I really appreciate it.
Go.
I did it! You did? A perfect cartwheel.
Okay, good! congratulations.
Well, alright, see you tomorrow.