The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Goodbye, Michael

Well, I'm moving to Colorado to start my new life with Holly.
Just up here getting used to the altitude.
- Michael? - Yes? I've got a treat for you.
Thank you.
Like a butler.
Colorado specialty-- Rocky Mountain oysters.
Wow, those do not taste like oysters.
That's because they're not oysters.
They're bull testicles! I cut them off fresh this morning! Sick freak.
What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you.
I'm the sick freak? After what you did, you expect to be buttled? After you didn't recommend me? Dwight, I don't own Dunder Mifflin, okay? The job was not mine to give.
Look, I need your advice on something.
I am told that there are bears in the rockies.
Where did you hear that? Obvious XM radio? Well, I was just thinking that maybe I should keep a salami in my pocket Great idea.
In order to feed the bears.
Especially if you think that life would be better without legs! How do you mean? Black bears can smell a salami at five Miles, Michael.
What are you thinking? And they run faster than a horse.
So if you were thinking about outrunning them on a horse, I would try a cheetah.
You in tight pants, Michael, are a salami to a black bear.
- Do you understand? - Mm-hmm.
You're like a giant walking salami.
Okay, so no salami in the pants.
How about a pepperoni? Any kind of meat you can possibly name.
You're not gonna take all your toys, are you? I mean, you don't-- You don't have a job lined up, so It's not like you have a desk to put 'em on.
Well, I have interviews.
That's nice.
What about that truck? Can I have this little truck? Was thinking thinking I might glue a stapler on top or put a hole here and stick pens in it.
You okay? Yes.
Yes, you know what, take my favorite truck, sure.
You know what, uh It's your last couple of days.
I'm gonna get out of your hair.
Oh, you don't-- I will be in the break room.
Okay, that sounds good.
Thank you.
Dead man walking.
Sad? No.
No, no.
I don't leave till tomorrow, so tomorrow I will be a wreck.
- Stay away from Erin.
- Hey.
I'm your boss.
Why don't you, uh, stay away from me? No, I'm gonna stand where I want, okay? You don't want to get on my bad side.
I've seen some horrible things.
I own over 200 horror movies.
Okay, that's so weird! Just go away! No, you go away.
Hi, Jim.
You guys are filming people when they go to the bathroom now? How about cupcakes? Please.
- What's wrong with cupcakes? - Everything.
There they are.
The party planning committee together again.
Well, we all wanted to plan your good-bye party.
We thought this would be easier.
We thought.
It's an experiment.
The three of us have all been chairmen before.
So this is the dream team.
Hey! What are you saying? The dream team and Meredith.
We decided on the ice cream.
Mint chocolate chip-- Your favorite.
Yeah, that was a surprise.
You know what? I'm thinking maybe we should get ice cream that everybody will like.
How about vanilla? Let's get vanilla.
Tomorrow, I want everybody to have a good time.
No drama.
And as for today, just a typical day.
All right? Should we get toppings? - What do you like, Pam? - What? What kind of topping would you like? Hot fudge? Sounds good.
Fudge it up.
I bought this for myself.
And yesterday, they gave me this.
I still need something to drink out of, though.
Attention, everyone.
Before I leave tomorrow, I would like to reveal a secret that I have kept for over 20 years.
Secret about Phyllis.
Please, Michael.
When Phyllis was in high school, she was so cute.
And she still is.
I thought he knew about the baby I gave away.
Look, Michael, it's a going-away present so your hands won't get cold.
It's almost done, but you can't get them wet, and they can't be dry-cleaned either.
You have to hand wash without water, wring dry gently, and use a hair dryer on cool.
Sounds great.
I just think it's great.
Oh, I have gifts as well.
And I will start by giving the first gift to Phyllis.
Phyllis, you are shy and sweet, and you don't often speak your mind, but you should, because you have great ideas.
So, Phyllis, I am giving you this so you can always remember to speak your mind.
Gee, thanks, Michael.
- You're welcome.
- It's cute.
Stanley, you love your sudoku and your puzzles.
I bestow upon you My felt.
May you never lose the fun-loving quality in life.
Where's the rest of it? It's got no balls.
Well, okay.
And Andy.
Andy, who needs confidence that he is a great salesman, I give you my clients.
Our ten most important accounts.
- Wow.
- Yeah, wow.
You know I'm the worst salesman here, right? But you're the best salesman on the inside.
What does that even mean? You sold us all on Andy-- A product that nobody wanted.
I'm gonna lose 'em.
You're not going to lose them.
I promise you that I will.
Just do your best.
I have faith in you.
Gimme those clients.
Do you believe that? I've given up expecting Michael to do the right thing or the decent thing or even the comprehensible thing.
I used to be obese.
Once you've conquered obesity, everything else is easy.
Life literally moves in slow motion.
I'm not saying I'm superman, but let me just put it this way, if I were shot in the head, I'm pretty sure everything would be fine.
I almost welcome it.
Kevin, I have something for you.
You know who that is? Don't be a caricature, Kevin.
Never be a caricature.
How did that feel when I tore that up? - Better? - Good.
Stand up.
You will be thin.
You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore.
But, I-- You will find love.
Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now.
Don't be.
You should never settle for who you are.
Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
Oscar, you are a-- Michael, I just lost Porter hardware! I just-- I lost 'em.
Okay, you know what? Just do your best, buddy.
Okay, Oscar, you are very smart, and you have a gigantic education, and I think of you as my scarecrow, because you gave me a brain.
So that's why I made you this.
Thank you, Michael.
It's beautiful.
It looks like It looks like it was made by a two-year-old monkey on a farm.
And he just He just accepted it, that I That I put all this work into it.
Oh, man.
He-- He has the lowest opinion of me of anybody.
Was it just me, or did you think we were gonna have sex at some point? It was just you.
How would you have wanted to do it? I--don't.
Okay, you know what? Inappropriate, because I am engaged happily, and you, you have landed yourself a senator.
State senator.
- Brava.
- Bra--? Do you want to see some pictures? I just got these.
Um, these are-- Okay, um, this is us at the theater.
Ohh! And, uh, antiquing.
Oh, rollerblading.
Who's that? Who's that guy? Oh, that's Thomas, Robert's aide.
I guess this could be the one, huh? Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um, I'm gonna be dropping in on one of our biggest clients this afternoon, and I could use some backup.
Let's rip it up, homes.
All right.
Walk away, bitch.
- Oh, um, Michael.
- Hmm? Uh, where do you want your last paycheck sent? Last paycheck? Do you have an address yet in Colorado? No.
What town do Holly's parents live in? I'm not sure.
Um, MountainTon, I think.
Sounds beautiful.
You should do more stuff like that.
I'm going to.
It's almost your last day.
Come on.
Sit with us.
No, I'm almost done.
- You sure? - Yeah.
So I'm going to Carbondale this afternoon to get a new bulk shredder.
That old shredder sucked.
It's a good shredder.
It just keeps breaking.
Yeah, and it won't shred magazines.
It's not supposed to shred magazines, Kevin.
I know.
Did you break the shredder, Kevin? No.
It's just that old shredder sucks.
Just get one that'll shred magazines.
I don't think any of them are supposed to shred magazines.
I can't-- I can't do this.
All the channels are gonna be different there.
I'm not gonna be able to find my shows.
I'm not going to start improv at level one.
I don't think my credits are gonna transfer.
And you know what? I just figured out where I was supposed to go to vote.
I gotta call her.
And I'm going to tell her that I cannot come.
Hello there.
What is the name of our town? Boulder.
Is something wrong? Are you okay? No.
No, I just needed to hear your voice.
Oh, you mean this? Yeah.
Yes, my hero.
I'll pay the rent.
Okay, my mom's looking at me like she has no sense of humor.
It's a joke.
Oh, I miss you.
Well, I'll see you tonight.
I'll pick you up outside baggage claim.
Okay, I'll see you tonight.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Yeah, so I know I told everybody that tomorrow is my last day, but I'm-- I'm gonna be leaving tonight.
I, uh, head to the airport at 4:00.
And, uh, I have said good-bye to half of them.
Well, you know Michael, I have a brother, in Boulder.
Rory Flenderson.
You should look him up.
Okay? Ahem, Kelly? Kelly? Kelly? What? If I just went away right now, would that be the best gift that I could give you? Yes, please.
Please go away and stop using that weird, slow voice.
She was once my girl, and she is your girl now.
This is totally unnecessary.
You're not prone to seizures? No.
So Michael said we can do whatever we want cake-wise.
What do we want? - Erotic.
- See? This is what happens.
You can't let a street dog into the house.
Mmm, let's hear her out.
I would, uh, like to hear more about these cakes.
I know these Ethiopians that run a cake shop.
Good God.
They make these cakes that are wild.
I mean They show everything.
I don't--I don't think we want a-- No, I know what you're thinking, but it's not just black.
They do it all.
And the women on these cakes, they're not just guys' fantasies.
They have real, full women.
It is refreshing.
Okay, don't turn this into some feminist issue.
As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it just feels good to be represented on one.
You know what? I think we should get some other input.
I think we should do cupcakes.
I am one of the few people who looks hot eating a cupcake.
Yeah, cupcakes, that's what I said.
I am not cleaning up a bunch of uneaten cupcake bottoms.
You know, we don't really care about your opinion.
You're just a tie-breaker.
Um, Pam? Oh, hey, Michael.
I'm just gonna go to Carbondale to price some shredders.
I'll see you later.
Gabe! I need to talk to you.
You can't be in here.
This is a ladies' bathroom.
No, Erin, I respect your privacy, but I will follow you in here Every time you go if that's what it takes.
Hey, creed.
Not cool, man.
I really think you should leave.
Someday, you are going to tell our grandchildren about how their grandfather won you back in a women's room.
Gabe, can we talk about this later? I have to go.
I have to go.
Just read the letter under your windshield wiper.
It explains everything.
- Okay.
- Okay? Do you want-- - Gabe! Well.
Here's the thing, Rory.
I think you guys would hit it off in an odd way.
I could bring him a welcome basket.
I'll surprise him.
Okay, well, you should give him a little time to settle in, but Does he like jams? My shelves are overflowing with preserves.
Well, no, he hates jams.
I would like to give you the only copy of somehow I manage, unfinished.
If there's anybody here who can finish it, it's you.
That's sweet, Mike.
Let's see here.
Here's a chapter called "gum.
" - Mmm.
- With one sentence.
"Everybody likes the guy who offers them a stick of gum.
" Mm-hmm.
It's true.
Darryl, I have one last wish.
I would like to use the baler.
Can't let you do that, Mike.
- No problem.
- Sorry.
- Worth a try.
- All right.
Darryl said I could use the baler because I'm leaving.
All right, guys, well, see ya later, warehouse.
Catch you on the flippety-flip.
All right then, see you guys.
Catch you later, warehouse.
See you on the flippety-flip.
Catch you on the flippety-flip.
Catch you guys on the flippety-flip.
Come on.
So what's our approach? You a veteran? Do I have a month to live? You gonna get married tomorrow? What? I thought we'd just talk about our customer service and exceptional paper quality.
That's stupid.
Well, what do I know? I know.
What you know? We gotta get psyched up.
Okay, guy? Let's get psyched.
Is there an animal shelter on the way? Yeah.
Awesome! Ani-ani-shelto.
Here we come.
Andy, do you know how to high-five? Yeah.
'Cause if you do, now's the time.
All right.
Not while I'm driving.
Catch you guys Catch you guys on the flippety-flip.
Really? Okay, see you guys.
You know how I met Bennet and got started on my ladder of success? No, I don't.
Walkin' along, out of workAgain, thinking to myself, I've only got enough cash to buy a sandwich or get drunk.
And I see this guy trying to steal this lady's dog.
So I grab the dog, he runs off.
She's so grateful, she hires me.
Aw, wow.
Gimme that dog! It's not your dog! Yeah.
- Again.
- Oh, okay.
Gimme that damn dog, you [Bleep] Thief! It's her dog! Don't ever do it again! You hear me? You feel that energy? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? Whoo! Yeah.
Okay, again.
I know that Gabe is young and hot and everything, and he's begging me to reconsider, but II just think I'm in love with someone else.
Kevin? Andy.
I wish I knew who my birth mother was so she could just tell me who to choose.
Maybe neither.
I'm not attracted to Kevin.
Erin, listen to me.
You shouldn't rush into this at all.
And you know why? Because you are beautiful, and you are fun, and you are smart.
And when the right guy comes along, you'll know it.
You will.
And you know what? You don't need a mom, because you have my number and you can call me anytime.
Extension 147.
- N - I know.
Did you want the 2726 or the 2730? Phyllis? Phyllis, are my mittens done? - No.
I'm on a sale-- Okay, listen, it's 2:00 P.
From now until 4:00, your priority is knitting.
Knit like the wind.
Dwight, I will be leaving tomorrow.
Yes? So I wanted to give you that.
It's a letter of recommendation.
This is gonna be good.
"To whom it may concern.
" Good, real personal.
Thanks, Michael.
"The dictionary defines 'superlative' "as 'of the highest kind, quality, or order, surpassing all else or others; Supreme.
'" that's great.
If I wanted the dictionary definition, I'd buy a dictionary.
"I define it as Dwight Shrute.
"As a sales executive, as a leader, "as a man, and as a friend, "he is of the highest kind, quality, and order; Supreme.
" Lots more like that.
Really repetitive.
What's this? "2:45 behind the building, paintball.
" Come on, come on! Give it up! Yaah! I would like to start by just saying that I have not worked with Mr.
Andy Bernard here for very long.
But I can say that he is no Michael Scott.
I can't sit here and tell you that he's gonna be a success.
Uh, I can't sit here and tell you that he's even the best man for the job.
But I can say this.
He's got potential.
You know, I always say, "go big or go home.
" You go with this guy, you could be making the biggest mistake of your life.
Or the biggest good decision of your life.
It's either gonna be the best thing you ever did, or the worst thing you ever did.
If you want some boring, white bread clock-watcher, who's gonna get you your paper when you ordered it for the agreed-upon price, Andy's not your guy.
You ever play Russian roulette? Time to spin the chamber, Boris By signing up for another year.
Uh, what happened to you? You should see the other guy.
Jim, where is Pam? Uh, she's still pricing the whatevers The shredders.
But it is already 3:00.
Whether you're scared of dying or dying alone or dying drunk in a ditch, don't be.
It's going to be okay.
Yeah, I was tripling up.
There's not enough time in the day to have a special moment with everybody.
And you, why are you still here? I'm either gonna quit today or stay to make sure that Andy's career is destroyed.
No, you are not going to quit today.
For goodness sake, this is not going to be your last day at the office.
Everybody gets dumped, Gabe.
Can I give you a piece of advice? A little cover-up on your Adam's apple will make it appear smaller, which will make you look less like a transvestite.
That is cold, sir.
Absolutely cold.
You know what? It was a complete waste of my time.
Uh, Deangelo, I'm, uh I forgot my bag, so I'm gonna I'll meet you in the car.
Okay, whatever.
I'd just like to apologize for that.
I could tell you that he has a steel plate in his head, or that he's crazy, but the truth is, I think he's just a terrible salesman.
And I want you to know that if you re-up with us, anything you need, day or night, I will be the one to take your call.
Keep talkin'.
All right.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
All right.
Take care.
You'll never guess.
We did it.
Hey! Ohh! All right.
All right.
Good job, boss.
We did it.
Okay, everybody, come on.
Conference room, five seconds! Here we go! Hurry up! Let's do this! Yes.
What is this about? - What is this meeting about? - Mm-hmm.
All right.
Well Okay.
Here we are in the conference room.
Once again.
And I just wanted to call you all here together because I have something important Well, there's two things, actually.
Okay, first, I would like a whereabouts on Pam, and, secondly, Phyllis, how are those mittens coming? Because I would actually like to bring them home and pack them, and I am leaving for the day at 4:00.
They're almost done, but my knuckles are swelling a little, and I can't-- Well, power through the arthritis, Phyllis.
You can do it.
Is that it? Is that it? No.
There's a special guest that I would like to invite to say one last goodbye, so here he comes.
He's coming right in.
Hi, everybody! It's ping! And I'm here to say goodbye to all you wonderful people.
Thank you, everybody! You've been so wonderful.
We were such a good-- I "rove" you all.
I "rove" you very much.
Hey, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.
See you later! So I've been meaning to tell you.
I want to take you out for lunch.
For your last day.
What do you think? Tomorrow? Lunch? You and me? Okay.
You're not leaving tomorrow.
You're leaving today, right? Maybe.
Wow, so that's it, huh? Just 4:00 and you are gone for good.
Why am I so sad? Am I doing the wrong thing? Absolutely not.
It's just that sometimes goodbyes are a bitch.
T-shirt idea.
"Goodbyes stink.
" Okay.
All right.
So James Halpert You started with this company As a fine young man.
You know what I think we should do? I think we should just save the goodbyes for tomorrow.
At lunch.
And then tomorrow I can tell you What a great boss you turned out to be.
Best boss I ever had.
Oh, shoot.
That's my cab.
- All right.
- All right.
Listen, Michael, I really-- I did text Pam, but I know.
It's okay.
Just give her a hug, all right? I will see you tomorrow at lunch.
I am looking forward to lunch.
And hearing about what a great boss I am.
You got it.
Oh, they're still not done.
Oh, no, no, no.
Let me see.
Oh, Phyllis.
Nice try.
I love 'em.
See ya tomorrow, boss.
Later, guys.
Well, got almost everybody, so Holly's my family now.
She's my family.
And the babies that I make with her will be my children.
The people that you work with are just, when you get down to it, your very best friends.
They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office, but I will.
Got to be a lot better than a deathbed.
I actually don't understand deathbeds.
I mean, who would buy that? Well, I guess this is it.
Hey, will you guys let me know if this ever airs? Thank you.
All right.
This is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest.
No, he wasn't sad.
He was full of hope.
About Colorado.
And he was hoping to get an upgrade as an awards member.
And he said he was just real excited to get home and see Holly.
Well, if he's not gonna make it, at least we should go ahead and eat the cake.
I, for one, love the corners.
Why did I just do that? This is not even that good.
I don't even-- I don't even want it.
I had cake for lunch.
No, you know what? I've been good.
I deserve this.
What am I doing? Come on, Deangelo.
Hey No! No! The Office is all new for the rest of the season, so let's see what's new next week.