The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Incentive

Hey, so this isn't matching up with this.
So I'm not sure which one is right.
Can you just hand down the original for me.
- Yes, me do.
- All right.
Hey, what were you saying before about the paperwork? Me doing now! Go.
Stop worry.
Kevin, do you feel okay? Me feel good.
Body strong.
Sleep big last night.
Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.
Yeah, all right, Kevin.
Why don't you come with us? - No, no, guys.
- No, he's fine.
- He's always been like that.
- No, he hasn't.
I mean, he's gotten worse over the years, but He's making a statement.
It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him.
A funhouse image of our model of Kevin.
You keep think that.
Me mechanic not speak English.
But he know what me mean when me say, "car no go," and we best friends.
So me think, why waste time say lot word when few word do trick? Kevin, I appreciate what you're trying to do.
Thank.
Here, we have a word code.
The same way we have a dress code.
And what we're talking about is basically the speech equivalent to just wearing underpants.
Sometimes, words you no need use but need-need for talk-talk.
But save time.
More success.
Does it save time, though? 'Cause we've been here for about an hour.
No me fault.
Kevin At most, you're saving a microscopic amount of time.
Many small time make big time.
And what are you gonna do with all this time? See world.
Kevin, you can't possibly save enough time to see the world.
Kevin, are you saying, "see the world" or "seaworld"? See world.
Oceans, fish, jump.
China.
No, see? Right there, that's the problem with your method.
'Cause I still don't know if you're saying seaworld or see the world, and it's taking a lot of time to explain it.
Fine.
Fine.
I'll talk normally.
When me president, they see.
They see.
This week, we are rolling out the brand-new sabre tablet The pyramid.
Ooh, why is it shaped like that? So you can tell your clients, "unleash the power of the pyramid.
" It's huge.
How much does it weigh? Oh, no, no, no.
Without the battery pack and the optional memory booster, it's barely three pounds.
How much memory does it have without the booster? - I'm sorry, "L"? - Mm-hmm.
How many "L" to a "K"? You're really gonna want the booster.
How on Earth are we supposed to sell-- I'll take five.
Andy, don't make us sell this stupid thing.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
This is Dwight's meeting.
- Thank you, the-- - I just wanted to pop in and get your opinions on ties and tie clips.
Which combo do you think Robert's gonna like more? What do you think, c-span? C-span? Yeah C-span.
Cocker spaniel.
Spaniel 'cause of your Spanish bloodline, cocker 'cause Is this really the best use of our collective time? I am still forming a first impression with Robert.
Once it is formed, we can all relax, okay? I'm sorry to hijack your meeting, d-dub-dog.
Had to pull rank.
Okay.
Let's look at some ties.
Here's how I'm gonna help out from now on.
I'm going to not care.
And I'm gonna sit around quietly waiting for Andy's inevitable demise.
Your friend Neil Patrick Harris really made me laugh the other night.
Um, D-dog, you have a message.
Erin, you don't need to call him that.
Andy wants us to, P-dog.
It's okay, E-dog.
Just who called? Justine.
She said she's coming by later.
Your ex-wife? Wait, I thought she was a [Bleep] And you [Bleep] hated her guts.
- Kevin - Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no.
I like her.
Well, I'm just quoting you.
I would never say that about her.
I don't know the woman.
No, man.
We get along now.
Real well.
Wow.
All right.
Can't wait to meet her.
I'll introduce you.
Yeah, we had a few fights, I suppose.
But last night, we put a lot of that to bed.
I can't tell you what I did with my ex-wife last night.
I have to sing it.
We took a shower we were naked we scap dap dap doo doo doo doo doo doo doo Hi, dad.
Ah--ohh.
Oh, boy.
Hello, Andy.
Excellent tie.
Would you be requiring a cold beverage while you're here? I'd love some coffee.
I was looking over your projections, and I think we can to better.
Are you factoring in the whole national economy Declining and all that? Andy, do you know why I chose you? I think I can sum up with what I think is your favorite ice cream flavor.
Vanilla.
Valla? No, no.
You'll never guess in a million, billion years, you'll never guess.
You were saying you chose me.
There was a reason.
Andy, can you inspire? Do you have that skill set? Can I inspire? I don't know! I don't know.
Oh, thank you.
- Oh, uh-- - Oh, sorry.
Here, just put it down.
Oh.
Mm.
Ah.
That is very cold.
Yeah, it's old.
Why would I-- I asked if you wanted a cold beverage, and you said coffee.
Why don't we get Robert a nice, hot, fresh cup, and I will have this.
Andy, you don't want that.
I've been craving a freezing cup of old coffee.
Mmm.
Sorry.
You like her.
I-I do.
Yeah.
She likes you.
You know, we've both been into each other at different times, and just never really synced up.
Now we're in this weird dance-- I'm afraid you've lost my interest.
Let me call you back.
I gotta go.
If the office superstore was supposed to put us little suppliers out of business, why are we still here? Yeah.
This is where we go.
You'd go someplace else.
That's not it.
That's not the answer.
- It's a answer.
- It's a wrong answer.
- There are no wrong answers.
- Take a look at where you are.
Where you once worked in a dying industry, you now work at its birth.
The superstores are terrified of us.
Anybody know why? WaitThey're terrified? Let me tell you how I buy something these days.
I know what I want, I go on the Internet and get the best price.
Or I don't know what I want, and I go to a small store that can help me.
The era of personal service is back.
You are back.
You'll find that customers will pay our higher prices and then they will thank us, and we will say to them, "you are welcome.
" Ah, thank you.
Ooh! Andrew, I chose you for a reason.
Lead these people.
Show me the best numbers this place has ever seen.
Last quarter we saw 4% growth.
Double it.
You got it.
- Double.
- Done.
- I'm not kidding.
- Neither am I.
It's already done.
Ha.
I'm just kidding.
- It's gonna take some time.
- Double.
Hey.
Hey What's up, guys? Just thought we'd have a little rap session, talk about business, see how things are going.
Well, you start.
If no one else wants to.
I was just thinking about Robert.
Man, what a boss.
JustThrows down goals, you know? Anyway, how's the sales doubling project going? How are we supposed to do that? We can't just press a magic button.
Of course not.
There's no magic button.
You have to Summon that.
If we could just double our sales, we already would have.
You're not making sense.
He brings up two good points.
Do you have any new leads, any new territories you want us to look into, maybe have an in with a big client that we could get our foot in the door? Dwight, anything? We could talk about how fast children grow up.
And before you know it, they're out of the house.
You know what? We need to get our heads out of the box.
If we did have something, what would it look like? What would it be? Tuna.
New leads, a new territory to look into, maybe an in with a big company that we could get our foot in the door.
Fart.
Good sesh.
That leg's asleep.
Hello.
I'm looking for a Darryl Philbin.
Don't-- Oh You must think-- I'm not.
I'm using the fax.
This isn't-- No, wait.
I'm not supposed to represent the company, right? There's usually an Erin here.
- Okay.
- So Darryl! A girl! Rub a dub dub with the apricot scrub What's up, darling? Hey, everybody, this is justine.
- Hello.
- Hi, justine.
- Hi.
- This is Jim and Oscar.
Hi.
Everybody.
Hello.
Kevin.
Can we go someplace private? Follow me.
I got a space.
After you.
I been thinking about you all morning.
I don't know what you did.
I can barely walk today.
D-bone.
There you are.
Let me guess.
Somebody needs a brownie! Lick the spoon? No, that's okay.
I just-- I wanted to ask you about Is this about the profits? Because if it is, I just don't see the point.
It's so wall street.
- I know, right? - Right? - Yeah.
- Ha.
Um How is everything? Good.
Really, really good.
Must be a tough time to be a family farm.
Oh, it is.
And beets are not immune.
We made some inroads in salad, but heirloom tomatoes are pushing back.
Oof.
What are you gonna do about that? I don't know.
What do you mean? Gotta be some way you could double your beet sales.
You wanted the job.
The job is yours.
Just do the job.
And I'llDo mine.
Walnuts? No! Have you seen this? Parenting? Yeah.
This is Cece's favorite magazine.
She loves the pictures of babies.
She looks at it when she's on the potty, and she makes the faces-- - Have you read it? Has an adult member of your family read this particular issue? I flipped through it.
So you saw the article on the importance of taking frequent walks while you're pregnant.
- Of course, yeah.
- Everyone knows that.
I will be taking a morning walk and an afternoon walk.
Would you like to join me? That sounds nice.
Great.
You have a walking buddy.
I do! - Thanks for coming in, guys.
- You don't have to thank us for coming in-- It's our job.
Well, I never got thanked for coming into a meeting, and I always wanted to be, so I'm gonna thank people.
What's under the blanket? This is what's under the blanket.
WeDon't get it.
These are incentives.
It's how we're gonna double growth.
Now, you're probably all asking yourselves, "well, how does this work?" Seems like a basic reward system where you give us points and then we redeem those points for prizes.
You're exactly right, and you get a point.
- Oh! - Is that a vibrator? - 20 points.
- How does one get a point? I've outlined the exact parameters in an email, so check your spam folders.
But basically You do your job better, you get points.
So Collect 15 points, and redeem them for this polar bear.
Why is it all kids' stuff and a vibrator? It's so gross.
There's lots of stuff.
John Irving, collected works.
Or you can pool your points and redeem 55 for this maternity shirt.
How about you want us to work harder, pay us more? I can't.
This point system is really insulting.
Ooh.
Well, I didn't mean to offend you, and I hope you'll forgive me, because I'm very, very Sari.
It's a tablecloth.
What if went all the way up to 500 points? That's a crazy amount of points.
- But what if? - Well, what do you want? I don't know.
For such a crazy number, I'd like something pretty crazy.
All right.
For 500 points, I will wear a dress to work.
Ah! That's pretty good.
What about, uh, for I'll run naked through the parking lot with a doughnut on my dingdong.
Yeah? You like that? All right, for 5,000 points, I willLet you tattoo whatever you want on the stern of the old SS Bernard.
- Oh! - Here we go! All right, all right, and you are totally serious.
Swear to God, hope to die.
Now, let's get to work! Wait.
But you did say we could pool our points, right? In that case, let's get to work.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah! - Whoo! All right, thank you very much.
Uh, Phyllis, brachen auto? Ask for Donald.
Karen's bananas.
I just want you to benefit from our T-bag-bone.
Andrew.
Have you noticed just a little bit of a mood shift around here? No, I haven't noticed anything.
Really? Because I sat next to Stanley for years, and this is naptime.
- Yeah? - Open-eye naptime.
He balances the phone on his shoulder and just powers down.
Now look at him.
You've got to unleash the power of the pyramid.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
You think it has something to do with that incentive program? Oh, 100%.
We all want to see you tattoo your ass.
Uh I think people thought I was kidding when I said that.
No, you definitely weren't kidding.
That came across loud and clear.
Oh, by the way, wanna hand this in? Yeah, big sale.
Don't worry about it, though.
I don't really care about the points.
I would like a point receipt, though.
Hey, yes, this is Jim Halpert calling for Donald.
Can you hold on for one second? Thank you very much.
Who talked to Maggie at Kaufman's? Erin.
Yes, Mrs.
Guffner? Right.
And I'm back.
How are you, sir? Erin can squeeze a couple more golf games in, right? No, I'm not getting out there anytime soon.
Hey, Kevin.
What are you doing? Don't talk to me! Hi, Professor Frank.
Andy Bernard, class of '95.
Hey, there.
Um, I'm a huge fan of your management book, management.
Um, quick question.
I may be missing a chapter here.
De-incentivizing? What are your strategies? Looking for a real blow to morale.
Uh, why? Well, um, I guess you could say I'm in one of those classic ass-tattoo incentive situations.
Yes! Took 'em one day.
Are you ready? "I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
" I like it.
I like it.
"Do not resuscitate.
" Okay, let's keep in mind, it's not too late to choose another prize.
And there are some great new additions.
My car-- For 1,000 points.
Or best offer.
What else you got? Oh, and then this was Phyllis's idea.
- Oh, my God! - So nasty, Phyllis.
We were hoping you could do something like this.
So coming out of his butt is a-- - Baby.
- Baby.
Yes.
Yeah, no problem.
You should think about this.
Anyone have any better ideas? I like what we have.
- Yeah, nice try.
- Yeah.
For sure what we have.
- It's funny.
- It's apropos.
Just need a second outside.
- You getting psyched up? - Yeah.
Andy, nobody really expects you to go through with this.
Tunes What am I doing here? Why did Robert pick me? Confession, I don't know what I'm doing.
I mean, do you like it? You having fun? Tell you this, everybody else is having a lot of fun.
And you did that.
But my ass is only so big.
I mean, I can't do this every day.
But I think it's big enough to buy you some time till your next great idea.
Which, by the way, I can't wait for.
No one expects me to go through with this, right? Absolutely not.
Let's ink my stink! - Andy! - Yeah! My heart belongs to music.
But my ass belongs to these people.
Whoa! Good stuff.
Do your worst.
Uh, you can keep your pants on, actually.
If you just drop 'em down a bit, that'd be great.
They're already off, my good sir.
I'd really prefer they not be down.
Well, I think down's better.
Sweating pretty heavily down there.
Do you think you could work from this? We made some small adjustments.
- Okay, you want me to-- - Just these few adjustments.
Yeah.
All right, let's begin.
This is where I grin and-- Ow! Ow! That was just a cotton swab.
Invest in softer cotton, sir.
Whew.
Oh, boy.
Oww! Ohhh! Ho, ho! Ohhh! Whoa! Obviously, you can go the ass tattoo route.
And obviously, I'm gonna like it.
Draw some blood! Ha! Ahhhhh-haaaaa! Great tattoo.
Why did I choose Andy to run the office? Because he's all surface, uncomplicated.
What you see is what you get.
Could be a recipe for mediocrity, yes, but then again, it might just be why people fight for him.
It's a nard dog.
That's my nickety-name.
- Yeah! - Woo-hoo! I love it.
I love it.
Pull up your pants.
There's something about an underdog that really inspires the unexceptional.
Um, what should we talk about? Well, we could talk about an ethical dilemma I'm having.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Um, I hope I can help.
A coworker of mine is drinking caffeine while pregnant, and I don't know if I should call social services about it.
Angela, that's pretty transparently me.
Maybe.
You know, it's just herbal tea.
In mugs with trace amounts of coffee.
Yeah, I think you should call social services.
I already did.
You know, maybe we should just have our own pregnancy as in not pretend like we are in this together.
- Fine.
- Fine.