The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Lotto

Back orders and you never call them.
- Can you believe this? - There's a dog in the car.
You can't leave a dog in a parked car! Snowboarder, it figures.
Dude, snowboarders ain't animals? I bet this guy didn't leave his weed in the car.
Okay, we have to do something because this is incredibly dangerous.
Oscar, is not that hard out.
A car parked in the sun is like a toast oven.
Well, we don't know how long the driver's been gone and it's not in direct sun light.
So what, Andy? You wanna just let him die, you scumbag? Here, I'm gonna get in my car.
When I start dying, I will honk the horn three times.
That means save the dog.
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna give him something to drink.
Come here, doggy.
Come on.
Dwight, at least aim it.
There you go.
Here, doggy.
You're not even trying.
Come here, doggy, come on.
We're losing cloud cover.
Oh, don't try to get in on it now, Michael Vick.
Hey, hey, hey.
Vick did his time.
This guy's been gone long enough.
He's lost his right to a window.
Get back, buddy.
Get back.
Oscar, what are you-- What-- No, hey! All right.
Yeah! Nice job, Oscar.
And one for good measure.
Oh! Yeah! So, uh-- Who's gonna take the dog? Why would we take the dog? What if he jumps out the window and runs away? Jim, he's not gonna start-- Shh, stay, stay.
Oscar, what do you wanna do? This is kinda your deal.
You want a dog? There we go.
That should do it.
- Yeah, it's good.
- It'll work.
Nice job.
- Bye, poochie.
- Bye.
Woof, woof.
What's that come to? Like, what did they each win? Oh man, it's gotta be Over $100,000.
Yeah, before taxes.
That's still a lot of money.
The warehouse crew won the lottery yesterday.
And then they quit.
And, no one else can focus.
This is it.
This is all on my shoulders.
I'm the one who has to tell everyone to get back to work.
I'm the one who has to tell Darryl to hire a new warehouse crew.
I'm the one who has to say those things.
Hello? Justine.
Nice surprise.
How you doing, baby? No, no, no.
I didn't win.
When I got promoted, I stopped-- What? Yeah, yeah.
Glen won.
Oh, you wanna call him? Yeah, you should call him.
Congratulate him.
That would be-- What? Oh, this number is in your old phone.
Oh, you know what? I might have it right-- Whoops.
When I worked in the warehouse, I was part of that lotto pool.
They won Playing my birthday.
What really interests me is the group dynamic of six people winning the lottery.
This will not end well, right? Yeah.
We're looking at at least one suicide - and one weird sex thing.
- At least.
I don't even know what I'd do with all that money.
I know what you'd do with all that money.
"Hey, Pam.
Let's buy expensive bathrobes and hug.
" No, I'd probably buy a big piece of land in Maine, build a house, work in town.
Somewhere I could bike to or kayak to.
And either bike to my job at the kayak shop or kayak to my job at the bike shop.
And then on the weekends, would you hackysack back to reality and spend time with your wife and kids? Whoa, saucy.
I thought you liked Maine.
I think we should get a townhouse in Soho.
Soho's mostly lofts, but okay.
And then, every morning, I'd walk out onto my terrace, and I would breathe in the inspiration of the city.
You know, and just gather ideas for my painting.
Oh, God.
And then my handsome husband-- Which, ideally, would be me.
Would bring me a flavored coffee.
I'm a barista in your fantasy? Well, in your fantasy, we're Stephen King characters.
I don't know about Stephen King.
Get a divorce.
Get a divorce.
I think I would keep working.
And for my salary, I guess I would take, like, a dollar a year.
Obviously, I wouldn't come in till noon.
And I wouldn't do anything I didn't wanna do.
I mean, I'm getting paid a dollar a year, okay? You can chill.
Are you kidding me? Guys? If I have to ask you to get back to work one more time, I'm gonna change my tone.
To down here, like Mr.
And this would get seriously annoying.
I feel sympathy for the jerks who have to listen to this all day.
How we doing on the new warehouse guys? I don't know.
What-- Wh-Wh- Do we have new guys? No.
Are they on their way over? I haven't hired anyone.
What? No warehouse guys? I have an important order that has to go out by five.
I emailed you about it.
I'm not checking email until lunch.
4-hour work week.
- This is kind of time-sensitive.
I got it.
I'm doing it.
Andy, this is a seriously big order.
I can't lose this client.
All right, well, until we have a new crew, let's get some volunteers for warehouse duty.
Who's in? As long as you guys don't need me up here.
I think we'll be fine.
Really? Nobody's gonna help her? Is chivalry dead? Are you volunteering? Of courseI would.
But my hip-- I would kill to be at 100%.
Jim, how about you? Uh, yeah-- I mean, as the strongest person in this office, I guess I should-- Okay, no, no.
That-- You are so not-- Oh, God.
Andy, I will volunteer.
And Kevin.
Good old Kevin.
He'll do anything.
Well, guess what? I will not do a good job.
- Oh, thank you.
- Sure.
Wait, wait.
What's this? Oh, sorry.
I thought it was a guess-your-baby's-birth weight pool.
It says "lotto pool.
" Right on top.
And I said sorry.
Oh, come on.
You really think I'm gonna have a 14-pound baby? When did I get so fat? You look awesome.
I didn't hire anyone if that's why you're here.
Where are we in the process? I have a file of applicants here.
I just gotta open it, look at it, interview a bunch of guys, hire some of them.
So I say we're in the early stages of the process.
Did you go out celebrating with the guys last night? They guys did invite me out to celebrate, but I decided to just stay home.
Eat a bunch of tacos in my basement.
You do have a fantastic basement.
I did.
I did have a fantastic basement.
Now it smells like tacos.
You can't air out a basement.
And taco air is heavy.
It settles at the lowest point.
Right, um, well, how about we take a look at some applications? This guy wrote his in green ink.
That's pretty cool.
Check it out.
There you go.
There he is.
That is not Darryl.
I don't know where Darryl is.
I suspect, probably, our Darryl is inside of that Darryl.
300 boxes of 20 pound white.
That's 75 boxes per person.
So, that's not so bad.
Deal with it.
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh! Damn.
Ah! Yup.
Welcome everybody.
My name is Andy, and this is my other brother, Darryl.
What? No Newhart fans? Okay.
Darryl, how do we usually kick things off? You mean, what did we do the last time the warehouse won the lottery? Your old crew won the lottery? Does anyone have experience shelving, storing, keeping track-- What do we use? The Dewey decimal system? Wait, wait.
So, all the old guys quit? - Oh, yeah.
- Well-- One of them, Glen, is starting one of those fat camps where he steals your kid in the middle of the night.
Madge and a couple of the guys might start a strip club.
But on a boat.
And Hide is investing in an energy drink for Asian homosexuals.
Um, could you guys give us a minute? But stay close.
You're all doing great.
Maybe grab a coffee, or if there's any donuts out, you can split one.
You know, they're for everybody so people get fussy.
You know what? Just have a donut.
Do you want to talk about this - not-winning-the-lottery thing? - I don't.
You sure? 'Cause you keep talking about it, so-- Nope.
I'm good.
I'm here.
Let's find some warehouse workers.
Good, great.
Then, can you say things that aren't like, a huge bummer to everybody? 'Cause the more I talk, the more they're gonna realize I don't know what I'm talking about.
We need you, okay? Okay.
- Okay? - Yeah.
All right.
What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power.
Ask any female tennis player, or her husband.
I didn't feel anything.
All right, thank you for coming back in.
Now we're going to ask you a few questions.
Darryl, you have the floor.
Why do you want to work here? I need a job.
It's not a good reason.
Keeping them honest.
Don't just take the first job that comes your way.
'Cause next thing you know, it's ten years later, and you're still there.
You could write your obituary tomorrow.
It's not gonna change.
Are we scaring them straight? I hope so.
Think about this carefully.
There's better lives than this one.
I've never been lucky.
And I'm not talking about the lottery.
I'm talking about stuff like developing a soy allergy at 35.
Who gets a soy allergy at 35? And why is soy in everything? Nice.
Right back where I like you.
Can you make ten copies of this for me? No.
Why not? What are you doing? Uh, buying lottery tickets online.
Ah, everyone wants to be rich.
But nobody wants to work for it.
You came in at 10:30 today, right? Okay, just dismiss it.
- Is everyone licensed? - Like a driver's license? No.
Warehouse license.
Master's in warehouse sciences.
I feel that Darryl has talked about a license of some kind.
- Is this a joke? - No.
Not joking.
This is real.
Painfully real, what is happening, right now.
Okay, I'm not gonna make it.
I'm turning back.
There's gotta be a better way to do this.
This is literally how they built the pyramids.
Well, they whipped people, which is helpful.
But you're right.
We should be able to find a more efficient way of moving boxes than Madge and Hide.
Not that they're not smart people.
No, no.
Very smart-- Theirs is more of a "physical" intelligence.
I'd go with that.
Like baboons or elephants.
Not that, don't-- Guys, when I was a kid, my sisters used to butter me up, and slide me across the linoleum floor of the kitchen.
It really made them laugh.
It's a great idea, Kev.
I don't think it applies here, though.
So, maybe we just-- Yeah, we move stuff and have fun.
Kevin, doesn't apply.
Right, my mom-- You need to drop it.
Okay? They hate it.
I like it a lot, but they hate it, so drop it.
Does anybody get distracted easily by bubble wrap? You'll be dealing with lots of bubble wrap.
Um-- How much longer is this going to take? Did you hire them? No, because they all left.
What do you mean, "they left"? I mean, after you bailed, I got confused, and frankly, a little weird.
And the stuff that you said certainly didn't help.
Then I think you should fire me.
What are you talking about? I'm not gonna fire you.
Yeah, just put me out of my misery.
Okay, this is weird.
I don't-- I don't get the joke.
No? Okay.
I don't wanna be here anymore.
Fire me.
So Darryl says to me, "fire me", but what he really means is, "I'ma say something really weird.
Try and figure out what it means.
" So I say, "no, you're not fired.
" But what I really mean is, "I've no idea what you're talking about.
"But I'm going to go ahead and hire some people "for the warehouse and hope that you eventually start feeling better.
" I really hope that's what he and I mean.
Does anyone know anyone who could work in a warehouse? We can pay.
Come on, Oscar.
Who's the most jacked guy in all of Scranton? Like your wildest fantasy guy? Bulk or definition? Definition.
Bruce Kenward.
He hangs out at planet fitness.
Are those just show muscles, or is he really strong? Oh, he's plenty strong.
He used to be Reggie Winters out at gold's gym.
But he moved away.
And then it was between Bruce and this guy, Dean.
Um, but Dean got fixated on his calves, and, uh, and his triceps went to hell.
So, I've been thinking, after we win the lottery, we take our winnings Our fake winnings.
And we move to the South of France.
See-- No, there's plenty of bicycling for you.
I think that's where they do the Tour De France.
It is, yeah.
I mean, I just don't know why I'm compromising if it's my fantasy.
Because in my fantasy, it's Maine, and you love it.
Because I'm never gonna act like that, even in your fantasy.
Nope, you-- You're doing a great job at it in my fantasy, right now.
Hey, idiot.
What did Erin want again? A hot chocolate tea.
Gideon, you are a PhD candidate studying America's diminishing blue-collar work force? North America.
And diminishing is a little reductive, but, uh, sure.
That's the headline version.
Well, it will bring a fresh, new perspective to the warehouse.
FYI, Wednesday through Friday, I have a pretty full teaching schedule.
We'll figure that out.
Also, FYI, ah, I don't technically have a hearing problem.
But sometimes, when there's a lot of noises occurring at the same time, I'll hear them as one big jumble.
Uh, again, it's not that I can't hear.
Because that's false.
I can.
Um, I just can't distinguish between everything I'm hearing.
Got it.
Duly noted.
Coolest tank top I've ever seen.
Where did you get that? - Made it.
- So cool.
What a cross section we have here.
It's what I love about interviewing.
I get to meet all these people I wouldn't ordinarily meet, or know, or even talk to.
Message in a bottle, the postman-- Kevin Costner.
So I found this grease.
And then I remembered that you thought it was a great idea.
You did say it was a great idea.
I heard you say it.
So it's not the dumbest idea.
It's not the greatest one-- But the fact remains, we gotta move these boxes.
And it's clear we're not gonna carry them.
So sadly, it's the best idea on the table.
Hey, I think we're ready to get this-- - Yup.
- Is he okay? He'll be fine.
Surprise! Your new crew.
Would you just fire me, man? Hey, why? Because you didn't win the lottery? How am I supposed to make you happy? You wanna make me happy? Huh? - Yeah.
- Give me your job.
- Ah, what? - I'll do it better than you.
I earned it.
I deserve it.
I got passed over, God knows why.
Reasons I cannot and will not understand.
The job was mine, Andy.
Everyone said it was mine.
Make me manager or fire me.
I'm not going to give you my job.
It's my job! I earned it! And here's the thing.
You weren't even next in line.
I asked about you.
I saw your file.
You have a history of being short with people, and you hired Glen, your buddy, to replace you in the warehouse.
He was underqualified.
They saw that.
Also, Darryl, FYI, I already told this to Andy, but, uh, you should probably know, I technically don't have a hearing problem.
It's just when there's a lot of noises-- Nate.
Thank you.
You have no business education.
You were going to take classes under DeAngelo.
What happened with that? He died.
He didn't die.
His brain died.
And my brain is very much alive.
And I'd be happy to give you business classes.
How come you haven't asked me about it? What was-- What was the last-- I'm having a-- No part of this has anything to do with you.
I didn't have time because of my daughter.
Oh, but you had time for a softball clinic.
And a mediterranean cooking class.
Hey, I'm not gonna tell you this stuff if you're gonna throw it back in my face! Hey, here's the thing.
Jo saw something in you.
She loved you.
She gave you a shot, and then you stopped pushing.
She noticed.
Okay, what? Okay, don't fire me.
My future's not gonna be determined by seven little white lotto balls.
It's gonna be determined by two big black balls.
I control my destiny.
I do.
I'll put some guys on tonight.
The best of your bunch and my bunch.
Tell you now, though.
It's gonna be mostly my bunch.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Okay, good.
All right.
Are they here? What is going on? Oh, hey, guys.
Why is the forklift in the wall? Why is the truck empty? Uh, it's not totally empty.
Is that grease on my floor? Okay.
I can see why you're angry.
You're coming into this cold.
But believe me, a lot of thought went into this.
And did your brains tell you to ruin these boxes with grease? Okay, Darryl.
Listen, and then you will understand.
The boxes were ruined during our first trial testing.
So now, it's cool.
'Cause we found another use for them.
Okay, all right.
That's-- Look.
All we were trying to do is we thought we could come up with a more efficient way to do things.
And? - And we did.
- I don't know.
Jim, tell them what it's called.
That's all right.
No, Jim, tell them what the name is.
Doesn't matter what the name is.
Señor Loadenstein.
That's stupid.
Señor Loadenstein.
Tell them why it's called that, Jim.
That's okay.
We're good.
Nope, Jim.
Tell us why it's called señor Loadenstein.
Porque es muy rápido.
You know what? It's been a really busy day.
What do you say we put all this away? Let me see it.
It's, uh, in beta testing.
Let me see it! Get the thing, go! Lube it up.
Kevin, start mopping.
Uno, dos, tres.
Ah! Yeah.
I lost my client.
I already won the lottery.
I was born in the US of A, baby.
And as backup, I have a Swiss passport.
I would spend a lot of time launching my true crime podcast, the Flenderson Files.
Flenderson Files.
We came to an agreement.
We're going to live in a stunning, prewar brownstone at the top of a mountain.
Right, the city and country combined.
Just a subway stop away are the best museums in the world.
And I can fish right from the window of Pam's pottery studio.
We can chat any time we want.
Just like now.
Just like now.
too bad the schools are terrible, but what are you gonna do about that? What are you gonna do?