The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Mrs. California

Oh, a little help.
Wow, your hair is really thinning.
Standing as proven to be healthier increases productivity and just looks cooler.
Picture someone doing something heroic.
Now, was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.
Every second you sit there is an hour off your life.
Look at all of you.
I feel like you're in suicide cult.
No, no, no.
You're way off on that one.
Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those, and I just couldn't find the sweet spot.
Hey, guys, let's just all admit it, okay? Dwight's better than us.
He had the guts to stop sitting, and he's never, ever gonna go back on it, right? That's right, Jim.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
Taking a load off, huh? No.
Putting a load on, more like.
Good luck with that.
Last thing I need is luck.
Thank you so much.
What are you up to? Oh, look out.
- Just-- What are you doing? - Too fast.
Ha ha! - Give that back.
Come on.
- Prank! Oh, that's real creative.
You know what, you're right.
It's not my best.
'Cause you could easily just bend over and pick that up, right? I could, I just don't feel like a loser.
- Because you're sitting? - Standing.
- Okay.
- Don't! - Because you're sitting? - Standing.
You know I have to do this.
I know.
Whoaaa! AndrewBainesBernard.
I think you can just do it with "Andy Bernard.
" Andrew Baines Bernard.
I love filling these out 'cause it's like, oh, I'm taking a test, but I know the answers.
In four seconds, my wife is going to be coming through that door.
I told her she could work here.
Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.
There you are.
Honey How on earth did you miss the elevator? What was that? I don't know.
He wasn't talking to me.
But if I were you, I wouldn't hire his wife.
That's why my foundation, the Dream For A Wish Foundation, is gonna put them out of business.
They're not gonna know what hit 'em.
Everyone I'd like to introduce my wife, Mrs.
Robert California.
California, this is everyone.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Welcome.
- Call me Susan, please.
Last night at dinner, Susan and I were talking about her returning to work.
So she's here today to see if there's a good fit.
Something tells me it just might work out.
This is Andy Bernard, the regional manager.
- Hello.
Nice to meet you.
- Hey there.
It's a pleasure.
Thank you.
Andy, would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office, introduce her to various departments, find a place where she'll shine? I would love to, but I have to be completely honest with you guys.
We're 100% staffed up.
Andy, let's see if there's a good fit first, then we'll talk.
All right.
Knock knock knock knock knock knock You don't have to say it if you're doing it.
Remember how you said that you were looking for a place in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics? Uh, weight lifting, yeah.
Well, today's your lucky day.
I have opened, in this very office building, Dwight Schrute's gym for muscles.
- Wanna take a look? - I'll take a look.
Your path from obesity begins right here.
I've been meaning to join a gymFor my health.
I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black president.
I never realized how easy that would be.
So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay president or a supermodel president.
I want to see all the different kinds of presidents.
Obese people in my office building are a drain on resources.
Chairs wear out faster.
It takes more freon to keep them cool.
They flush the toilets more often.
Plus, their massive BMS bust the rivets on my pipes.
But a gym turns fat into cash.
All right, the DM express is pulling out.
All right, well, it's really nice to meet you, Brian.
Uh, it's actually Ryan.
- Oh, Ryan.
- Yeah.
We will start here at Erinville.
- Hi.
- Reception.
You're classic one-man operation.
Although, I was watching a movie, and Meryl Streep had two secretaries.
I was watching a movie, and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco.
Just sayin'.
Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients.
Certainly worth exploring.
Wouldn't you agree, Andy? - I'll explore exploring it.
- Good.
Seems like you have this under control, so I'll just duck out and run the company for a while.
Okay, next stop on the tour, sales.
Here we go.
Station stop Jim Halpert.
Oh, boy, our resident truth teller.
All right, have at it.
Let her rip.
What do you hate about this place? Well, it's sales, so you have to be able to live in the world of rejection.
Maybe you do.
Hi, I'm Dwight.
Sales is really not so hard, okay-- It's paper.
We have it, and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.
Jim? Well, it's not that easy.
It's kind of sometimes difficult.
It's the second-easiest job in the world.
- Being a mom.
- I love shopping.
And sales is just the other side of that.
That's true.
You know, if you joined our sales department, you would be working very closely with our department head, Mr.
Dwight Schrute.
That's me.
Dwight, why don't you tell Susan about some of your hobbies.
- Oh.
- Survival skills.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ranking of animals.
Maybe over a beer after she's closed her first sale.
Well, make that a red wine and I'll tell you my animal rankings.
How am I supposed to pull this off? The entire office is being nicer to her than they've ever been to me.
What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis' classic room-clearing farts right now.
Ready? What do you think? Huh? Um, no, no.
This is not a gym.
This is like a scene out of Saw V.
You haven't even looked around yet.
Gravel bucket squat yoke.
Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station.
- You ever cut tin before? - No.
Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire.
Plus, I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard.
Now, let's go over membership.
I'm gonna need the first month's and the last month's up front for $49 a month.
But every third month is $59 a month.
But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month.
Obviously, you know how a gym works.
So you know I'm not gonna pay money for this.
You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym.
Darryl Make a real gym.
I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar, and I do have some experience with bookkeeping.
But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is.
I would work in customer service, and, um, HR, even.
Those are fully staffed as well.
Are you telling me that there's no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands? Yes.
I am the CEO, and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.
Let me beat around the bush for a second.
Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings-- - Robert, it's all right.
This is very uncomfortable.
Obviously, there's no place for me here, so thank you for trying.
- Why don't we just let it go? - No.
Absolutely not.
Andrew, there must be something you can do.
There must be.
Well, there are a lot of considerations.
I would be eternally grateful.
It's not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.
All right! Well, then, welcome aboard.
So what happens next? We get you over to HR and then get you set up with accounting.
Hang on.
- Hello? - Say "hello, grandma.
" Hi, gam gam.
Hold one finger up to Susan.
You'll just be a second.
You numbskull! You were given a very simple task.
I could not have been more clear with you.
Now say, "are you taking your medicine?" Are you taking your med-meds? Why can you not say exactly what I tell you? Undo this.
Undo it.
You didn't say good-bye to your grandmother.
We promised we'd never say good-bye.
Attention! I am now accepting memberships for the Dwight Schrute gym for muscles.
First 20 members can take advantage of our "pay what you weigh" promotion.
All I need is another gym.
As if I don't have enough drama.
We have a gym at home.
It's called the bedroom.
Who's spotting who? Don't use the bike in the corner, that's Bruce's.
Jeremy says-- Enough.
Oscar, enough.
- Kelly? - I have these sneakers, which are basically just like a gym for your feet, so That's okay.
I know how to build a business.
You gotta bet the black people to do it to get the white people to do it.
Then you gotta get the black people to stop doing it.
One step at a time.
Did you bring your passport with you? Who walks around with their passport? Well, I do.
Always ready for adventure.
- Have you had any? - No.
Hey, guys.
So Robert doesn't want his wife working here.
So now that she is, we have to drive her away.
Andy, if he didn't want her working here, then why did you hire her? Oscar, it was a mistake.
But one that can be fixed by all of us being mean to her.
How can we do that? She's simply wonderful.
This is all pathetic.
I am not asking, I am ordering.
How mean are we talking about? It would he great if she were gone by lunch.
Erin, you're up.
Find her a place to work, but not too comfortable.
Got it.
I know exactly which stapler to give her.
Here you go.
Um, do you think it would be possible to move to that desk over there? Because this seems a bit cramped, and I don't have a computer.
Well, that's a sales desk.
You need to be over here with us accountants.
Just sit here and be quiet.
And if you have a question, just raise your hand.
But I'm gonna save you some time, sweetie, and give you the answer now.
No, I don't think we should be trying to make this place seem unpleasant.
I think we should let this place just crush her spirit by itself.
I mean, it knows what it's doing.
That's Gerald.
Oh, wow.
So cute.
Oh, that is so cute.
Aw He's so tiny.
Is he in a ladle? Yeah, he's in a ladle.
That's adorable.
How on earth - did you get him in a ladle? - He did it himself.
Is that ladle stainless or Oh, stainless.
Williams Sonoma.
Excuse me, waiter, there's a dog in my soup.
It's not that kind of ladle.
- Very cute.
- Aw, let me see.
Ah, just the battery on these things.
I'm sorry, I've gotta recharge this.
I get it.
Last time I had a job, I remember I hated the boss' wife.
Of course, she was married to Robert.
Your employees don't seem to be taking to me.
Andy! Andy, could you step in here, please? We'll fix this.
What is going on? Please.
Andrew, my wife Has brought up an issue that requires your attention.
So, uh, if you'll excuse me, I should step out, get to the ATM before that homeless man sets up camp for the night.
Okey-dokey, artichokey.
- You hate it, don't you? - Do you not want me here? - Why would you say that? - It's okay.
I understand.
I'm not sure how I would feel about having the boss' wife work for me either.
- It's not thatExactly.
- But it is something.
Let's just say that if you don't want to work here, I am totally prepared to respect that.
Why would you not want me working here? I don't know.
I think I understand what you're going through.
My husband can be a very difficult man to read, can't he? Yes! - The dude is an enigma.
- Mm-hmm.
So he is mixed up in this, isn't he? Got it.
What do you think you're doing? Getting my sweat on.
I build you this temple to the human body, and you're lifting what, five pounds? I just did, like, I was watching you.
You want to know how long it really was? - No.
- Eight minutes! Dude, I'm gonna be here all week, right? Five days a week.
I figure I'll start slow.
Is that the same philosophy you apply to buffalo wings? I want you to bring that same buffalo wing passion to this gym! I'm gonna make you look like Lebron James! It's Lejon Brames.
That's what I said.
You know, get it right.
I know.
- Cameras - Ooh, still here.
Andy and I had a great conversation.
And I just want to let you know that I am not going to be working here.
- Well, that's a shame.
- It just was one of those thi-- Is it? Because we talked about it, and it seems like that might be what you want.
- Which is fine.
- Where did this come from? Did Andy say that? No, he did not.
But I could tell he was struggling to understand what was expected of him.
What's the struggle.
He made a great call, hired a great person.
You sure about that? - Absolutely.
- No games? No games.
Because Andy seemed to think there was some information he was not able to share with me.
Enough of this.
I mean, real-- Enough.
It's gotten way out of hand.
Andrew, this is my wife.
Whatever privacy you were trying to protect between us, I thank you for.
But it is not welcome right now.
Just be honest.
- Andy - Yes.
Why do you keep looking at my husband? Andy, just answer the question.
- No games? - No games.
I mean, it was kind of funny, actually.
Robert storms in, and he says, "in four seconds, my wife's gonna be in here.
"I told her she could work here.
Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen.
" You lying son of a bitch! Tell my wife you're lying.
I am lying.
I am a compulsive liar.
- That's not true, is it? - No, it's not.
I tell the truth most of the time, and I was just telling the truth about your husband.
- Jim knows.
He was there.
- This is preposterous.
- Robert - Let's get Jim in here.
Where's Jim? He just rolled out and crawled out.
Can you call security, tell 'em to keep an eye out for him? Time to settle this.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, hold on.
I just need to get through.
Just real quick.
Real quick, open-- Okay.
That's weird.
Well, he's gotta be around here somewhere.
Oh-- OwOwOw Creed, I was never here, all right? Okay.
What about your friend? Oh, boy.
This is my gym, my rules.
You do exactly as I say, no questions asked.
Yeah, I'm gonna ask questions, and I might not do what you say.
First thing, we're gonna stretch the pelvic bowl.
Ready? Get down on the floor.
Okay, I'm not doing that.
Really? Too embarrassing for you? Huh? You wish that every exercise was strutting around the gym like the Fonz? Well, how do you think the Fonz got so cool? He stretched his pelvic bowl.
I didn't know Darryl joined.
Looks that way.
Nice pelvic bowl.
- Hello, Jim.
- No, no.
No, no, no! Don't.
Damn it, tuna! So I think you know what we want to know.
- Do I? - Yes.
I know.
I do.
Jim, I've had enough of your unhelpfulness.
I really wish I could help.
I'm not really sure how I can.
For God's sake, did Robert tell you that he didn't want me working here? That's the thing.
See, I didn't want to get in the middle of this.
Still don't.
But here's something.
I feel that maybe, if we take a step back, this is a simple case of anxiety to work with a spouse.
I think we've got ourselves an answer.
- No - That makes complete sense, right? Thank you all for a wonderful day.
- Perfect! - Jim - Yes? - Answer the question, please.
I don't know what you want me to tell you.
To be really honest, my wife works here.
And I love it.
She literally makes me work harder.
She makes me smarter.
She makes me remember why I'm here.
And between us, she's on maternity leave right now, and I would love to leave this room and see her face.
I would love it.
I don't know how this helps, but it's just what I'm thinking.
All right.
All right.
- Uh - Yeah.
Thank you.
Hey, Mrs.
Uh, I'm sorry about the position you were put in today.
You know, honestly, we all wanted you to work there.
Except for him.
Especially me.
Yes, I thought we really hit it off.
Well, different circumstances.
- Who knows? - Who knows? Maybe after all this settles down Totally.
It's a date.
Hmm? You're nothing! You're so weak! You call yourself a man? Huh? This doesn't help me.
I don't respond to that kind of strategy.
Okay, fine.
Finish your set on your own, and never come back to my gym again! Dwight, come back and spot me.
All right, I'll help you.
But first, you gotta tell me what your goal is.
- What do you want? - To push this bar up.
No! Because if that was the case, the bar would be up by now.
- What is your goal? - Help me! - What do you want?!?!?!?! - To look good for Val! Val Kilmer? I don't buy it, it doesn't make any sense.
I figured out your goal.
I'm gonna make you the buffest guy Val Kilmer has ever seen.