The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Special Project

Oh, look who's back reporting for duty.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Hey, Pam, ah! Look what I can do now that she's no longer pregnant.
Bam, bam, bam, bam.
Are you glad to be back? Yeah-- Yeah, I mean I could have used another week or three.
You still had eight weeks more than we did.
Well, it's not exactly a vacation.
- Hello, everyone.
- Hey.
Remember? Little old me, hi.
What are you doing here? You just had our baby.
Our collective, Dunder Mifflin family baby.
Four days ago.
I wanted to come back to work.
Not everybody needs some long, luxurious, - Parisian maternity leave.
- What? Damn, girl, your body.
Angela, you look amazing.
Really? I feel like this big rhinoceros.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for covering for me, so I made some treats.
I've got brownies and magic cookie bars.
Nice.
Oh, Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts.
You're allergic to walnuts, right, Kevin? Extremely, but I'm going to fight through it.
Aw, it's okay, Angela.
I have mommy-brain too.
I don't know what that is, Pam.
I made a batch with no nuts, special for you, Kevin.
- It's right here.
- Ooh.
When did you find time to do all this? Babies sleep a lot, Pam.
If you feed them enough.
Brownie, Pam? Thank you.
Oh, my gosh, it's really good.
- is cash, so-- - Nope, it's over.
- We wanted to say thank you-- - Nope.
Okay.
Dwight, I have exciting news for you.
What? I think you're going to like it.
You can't tantalize me.
Oh, maybe I can.
I got an e-mail from corporate - okay.
- That told me that you got a promotion.
Right? I mean, that's not the kind of thing you want to read quietly at your desk.
If you make me head of sales one more time, I swear.
No, this is legit.
You will be assembling a team to go to Tallahassee for three weeks to develop and launch a chain of Sabre stores.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Schrutes have a word for when everything in a man's life comes together perfectly.
Perfectenschlag.
Right now, I am in it.
I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate.
I am assembling a competent team.
I am likely a father.
I am so deep inside of perfectenschlag right now.
And, just to be clear, there is a second definition, "perfect pork anus," which I don't mean.
And here's the fax for you.
And here's some facts for you.
Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs? And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes.
Love to learn.
Yeah, it's weird that I said that last one.
So Uh, yeah, look at that.
- We're pin twins.
- Pin twins.
This is a gift from Jessica, kind of a gag gift, really.
Real gifts come later.
Yeah, that's cute.
When I saw it in CVS, it made me gag too.
For awhile there, I thought something would change, but, nope, Andy's still with Jessica.
They even carpool together most days.
I don't know, I wouldn't mind carpooling every day with Andy.
But I wouldn't want to spend that much time with Jessica.
What do we have here? Val knit me a beanie.
But I can't tell if it's a "we're just friends" beanie or a "I'm hot, you're hot, let's get it popping" beanie.
So I'm going to up the ante, give her a clearly romantic gift.
And we'll get to the meaning of the beanie.
Pam, pack up your postnatal swimwear, make it a one-piece, or this offer is rescinded, and join me for a fantastic barbecue, one week from today, in Tallahassee, Florida, where I'm going to be living for the next three weeks.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
I'll fly anywhere for some good barbecue.
Ooh, me three.
No plus-ones.
This is for competent workers only.
And don't worry about the cost, Sabre is footing the bill.
Does this have anything to do with what you were talking to Andy about? God, you're such a spy.
Notice anything different about me? You're wearing the beanie.
You like it? Super comfortable, like sweatpants for my head.
I love it too, Val.
It's really itchy, but to be fair, my head is constantly itching.
So I can't really peg it on the hat.
Wow, it's like the nation of islam down here.
I like to knit.
Don't hate.
And who's that for? Oh, this is a gift for my man, Nate, here.
- What? - Yeah.
Darryl, you shouldn't have.
- Can I open it? - No, no, no, maybe just-- Ah, I can't wait, I'm sorry, I'm too excited.
Darryl.
Wow, those are really nice.
- They're so elegant.
- Cashmere.
How'd you know? Just a hunch.
Your gift is on the way.
Can't wait.
I'm glad you're in my life, happy Valentine's day.
Oh, Darryl.
I am glad to be in your life too.
Your card is more beautiful than the gloves.
My first task as Special Project Manager, Dwight Schrute? Assembling a crack team.
I need people who are loyal.
People who will help me get an inroad with the gay-hispanic community.
People who won't be missed.
- We don't need idiots.
- This hurts.
Good for nothings.
Meth-heads.
Or-- What's your name? Kathy.
Kathy.
I just got a text from Robert California that says, "bring your clubs to Florida.
" Why? Does he think you're going to Florida? I hope not, because I am not going.
Two question marks.
No, just do one.
Two question marks is kind of aggressive.
You know, it's like, "wh-- what?" Just do one.
You want to take Darryl, Phyllis, - Toby, Angela, and Oscar? - Yes.
Can I interest you in someone less essential? Like a-- A Creed or a Meredith perhaps? - Oh, my God.
- They're not expendable, exactly, I just can't-- I can't think of the word I'm trying to find.
Are you kidding me? I'm supposed to get on an airplane with those nincompoops? We'd never make it off the runway.
All right, look, I got to keep this office functioning somehow, so-- I have put together a list.
Here's your team.
Darryl and Phyllis, you can have.
But you're also taking Kathy, Kelly, and Kevin.
Oh, God.
You have your team.
Kevin? Kelly? Kathy? Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links.
Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have, and now I no longer own an arctic wolf.
Well, let's hear it.
"Robert, hey!" Exclamation point.
I like it so far.
"Got your text, awesome idea.
Let's hit the links the next time you're in PA.
" Dash, JH.
It's perfect.
You emphasized the golf, completely omit the Florida.
Yeah, it's a golf text.
Total golf text, send it.
Done-- Wait, I just feel weird.
I should just call him.
You want to call someone that texted you? Do you want to drive them away? I mean--? This is Darryl.
Oh, sorry, I asked for the main shipping number.
I just need the address for the warehouse.
I want to send my girlfriend some flowers.
Your girlfriend? Is your girlfriend Val? Yeah, do you know her? We're friends, we're friends.
Cool.
Uh, so can I get that address or--? Yeah, yeah, sorry, I'm just looking for a pen.
Why do you need a pen? Back off.
I got my reasons.
May I have your attention, please? Could Kathy, Phyllis, Darryl, Kevin, and Kelly please join me in the conference room immediately.
- Why? - Oh, no big deal.
It's just that you five have been deemed most deserving of a three-week, all expenses paid business trip to Tallahassee, Florida.
Hell, yeah.
What? Oh, I'm sorry, Stanley.
I can't share any more details with you.
You see, Andy rejected you.
Wait, Kathy gets to go? Why does she even still work here? Pam is back.
It just feels like a slap in the face.
I can understand your pain and your rage, but you know what? Andy is an honorable man, let us not question his choices.
I'm sure he had his reasons.
We're not questioning his reasons.
I just want to know what they are.
I know, you and me both, brother.
It seemed kind of random to me, but he was pretty clear on who he thought truly deserved this boondoggle of a lifetime.
Well, he nailed it.
Because I do deserve a vacation.
Sometimes Batman's got to take off his cape.
Good point, but we're going to be working pretty hard until 5:00 P.
M.
After that, it's gonna be beach volleyball, trips to Cape Canaveral, and sea-kayaking with Gloria Estefan.
What were the criteria for going? It might be innate goodness versus innate badness.
But there's an easy way to find out.
Oh, Andy, got a few questions for you.
Moshi moshi.
Uh, the Florida picks got out, and people were just kind of curious as to why they weren't picked, and maybe you could just clarify.
Uh, well, the deliberations were confidential, so I feel like we should respect that.
Respect it? You're trying to tell me Kevin Malone deserves more than Stanley Hudson? Hey.
Okay, it's obvious that Andy picked the people that are least important to the office.
Important? Oh, because you and your enormous monster-baby are so important to the branch.
My baby is not a monster.
Hey, be proud of your enormous monster-baby.
I was once an enormous monster-baby.
Guys, guys, guys, come on, seriously? We cannot let this trip cause this kind of rift, guys.
Stop calling us "guys.
" I use the word "guys" a lot when I'm nervous.
Guys.
- Guys, guys, guys.
- Andy, please.
Stop it, Andy.
- Dudes-- - Andy.
The dudes who are going to Florida were picked by Dwight and me.
Okay, hey, I specifically remember that there were a lot of other people I thought should be considered.
If anybody's going to Florida, it should be me.
Every shirt that I have that isn't a work shirt is a Tommy Bahama.
I'm the only person in this office who watches Burn Notice.
Okay, I did not realize that so many of you wanted to go so badly.
So if you feel like you have a very good reason to go to Florida, I'm happy to hear you out.
Great idea.
So why doesn't everyone just take the next five to six hours, come up with a statement on why you feel you deserve to go to Florida, and Andy and I will listen to it.
No, that is a ridiculous waste of time.
For you, maybe.
- Five to six hours? - Three to four hours.
- No, no, no, no.
- Just two to three hours-- come up with a statement over the next hour.
I'm out.
Okay, read it back to me.
"Robert, great offer.
" Wish I could hit the links with you in Florida, but a father of a newborn really should be helping out "his wife any chance he gets.
" Good, doesn't sound pushy.
You're just stating a fact.
Absolutely.
Works for me.
- Okay, sending.
- Well done.
And we managed to kill the entire morning.
We really did.
He responded "LOL.
" I have a new swimsuit I need to break in.
I already picked my team.
Darryl, Oscar, Angela, Phyllis, and Toby.
And that is the team that I am taking.
What's that? It's not up to me? I only have influence? Well, that's all Baltzer Glattfielder had, and now no one eats owls for Thanksgiving.
You have two young, dynamic people in this office who know trends, who know youth.
That's myself and Kelly Kapoor.
You need one of us there.
Or both.
Not both.
Just one.
Me.
Or if not me, Kelly.
Ideally, me.
Again, youth knowledge.
That's what you get when you put Ryan Howard on your Special Project Team.
Or Kelly Kapoor.
Again, not both.
Thanks.
Very impressive.
He put a lot of work into that.
Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world.
All show, no meat.
Because I feel like that I'm at a place with my gambling rehab that I can finally start going to dog racing again.
You know, just sitting, watching, enjoying the sport.
Maybe putting down a few dollars, if there's, like, a crazy mismatch or something.
Okay, thank you, Kevin.
We'll let you know.
- Thank you.
- When do we leave? Thank you.
It has been a long, lonely winter.
Wow, seasonal affective disorder, aka, "SAD.
" That sounds like a very real thing, Toby.
It is real.
Thank you for saying that.
Yeah, wow, it's almost like we're not all experiencing the same winter.
"Florida Stanley" smiles.
"Florida Stanley" is happy to go to work.
"Florida Stanley" is who you want on your Florida team.
It's still, well-- Hey, guys, any spots left? Erin, you want to go to Tallahassee? I do.
I really do.
I think it would be a nice way to clear my head.
You know, I don't think it's a good idea for you to clear your head anymore than it has been already.
I think you need a workplace where the burdens of everyday life keep you tethered to reality.
Either or.
But if you can find someone to fill in, I would love to go.
Well, it wouldn't be hard to find someone to fill in.
Really? Oh, great, good.
Now, is it too dark to say that Cece's having an operation? I think you need to go to Florida.
I think you're right.
It's only for three weeks.
You know, with my mom and sister at the house it'll be-- - A total nightmare.
- I was going to say, "good, because I'll have all the help I need.
" Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
They're incredibly helpful.
You're lucky to have them.
I mean, with them there, you probably won't even know I'm gone.
Exactly.
Well-- No, no, absolutely not.
You are not going.
Over my dead body, no.
Tunes, I'm really sorry.
You're too essential to the operation here.
I can't let you go.
I wouldn't say that.
That's a bit much.
You know, Dwight, if you didn't want me to go, the smart move would be to tell Andy that I actually am essential to the operation.
That way I couldn't go.
Jim is essential to-- Hold on, just want to get it on camera.
Andy, Jim is just too ess-- Essential.
This is stupid.
Cut.
All right, I'm going to pack my trunks.
He doesn't even want to go.
Well, I got a text from RC inviting me to come down, so I think that's going to make us roommates.
Oh, my God.
Hey, quick question.
Do you shower at night or do you shower in the morning? Because I want to shower when you're showering to save some water.
Okay, listen up, everyone.
Here's who's going to Florida.
- Kathy.
- What? - Stanley.
- No.
- Ryan.
- No.
- Erin.
- Fuck.
And Jim.
You got to be fucking kidding me.
Okay, okay.
Florida group, welcome to the team.
Aah! Let's go.
Step it up, you runts.
Infants, let's move.
Why is it so hot in here? Hot? What are you talking about? This is a nice, temperate, Florida morning.
This is the exact environment that you will be facing for the next three weeks of your life.
Welcome to Special Projects Orientation.
The next three weeks of your life are going to be the most miserable you've ever faced.
They're going to be hard, they're going to be dirty.
You're going to wish you were dead.
But.
But? There's no buts.
That's it, you'll wish you were dead.
You seem a little disturbed, do you want to stay here? No, no, I want to go.
Because if any of you would prefer to stay here, all you need to do is ring this bell.
Is that the buzzer from Taboo? - Shut up, maggot! - It is.
You don't want to go, ring the bell.
Ring it, ring it.
How many of you have seen the documentary Deliverance? How did a mosquito get in here? I released 300 mosquitoes into the conference room.
Just temporarily.
When I'm done, the frogs will take care of the mosquitoes.
Yes, then he brushes your soft, supple cheeks with his worn, leathery hands and says, "I'm going to make you the seventh Mrs.
Rosenblatt.
" Unless you ring the bell, ring it.
- No.
- Ring the bell.
You want to spend the rest of your life changing your husband's colostomy bags? Huh, do you? Ring it.
Ah.
What was that? Mosquito.
Orientation's over.
Oh, Darryl, hey.
Hey, what's up? You called? Yeah, you know, I felt really terrible that you got me these lovely gloves and I didn't get you anything.
It's cool, really.
No, it's anything but cool.
Now, I haven't really had time to go out and buy you anything, but here goes.
- "This coupon entitles you to one free tickle-monster attack.
" Yeah, they're Nate coupons, or "Na-pons," and they're all different.
Cash that one in and I will bring you a stick of gum.
Any time, any place.
I'll find you.
Thanks.
Nice flowers.
Thanks, they're from my mom.
- Your mom? - Yeah.
Oh, so I guess that was your mom who called me earlier looking for the address? Real deep-voiced woman.
Yeah, that's her.
She said her name was Brandon, I think.
Your mom's name is Brandon? Yeah, Darryl, my mom's name is Brandon.
I guess I figured out where I stand.
This is a love beanie.
Okay, Florida Team, let's reconvene.
I'm going to Florida and I'm not coming back.
So Sabre has setup a conference room for our use while we're at corporate.
So what is this Special Project? Basically, Sabre has tasked us with helping them branch into the retail marketplace.
They want to setup their own version of an Apple Store.
That sounds awesome.
It did, it did.
You know what might be great is if instead of a genius bar, we have a lounge area where people can ask questions about the product with other customers who liked it.
Yeah, and they should have a place where people can check their computers or printers before they see you so you don't have to carry it around like a dope.
Like a coat check.
Oh, don't write it down unless you like it.
Oh, I like it.
It seems to me that the Apple Store is kind of like a party, so I think our question is, "how do we make this a better party?" No, we sell business tools, and the stores need to reflect that.
They need to be all business.
Let all the other stores look like a toy store.
Right, think different from Apple.
Dwight, is now a good time to go over what you expect of us? Yes.
What are my expectations for the group? I had been given the responsibility to manage Stanley, a solid player.
Ryan, who is capable of surprises.
Erin, an excellent follower.
And Kathy, a probably not totally useless enigma.
And, well, Jim.
Under the right manager, that's not a bad team.
Perfectenschlag.
I don't know how I'm going to live here without you.
Me neither.
Hey, will you put this coat on my chair? I just realized I'm not going to need it down there.
Yes, I will take your coat and I will keep it with me.
And I will sleep with it, because it smells like you.
No, no, no, no, just put it on my chair.
- All right.
- Bye.
Bye.
- Call me when you land.
- I will.
Safe travels.
Goodbye.
For a very, very long time.
Hmm? Okay.
It's only three weeks.
All expenses paid.
Yeah, Jim's going to be there.
That marriage is not good.
Nobody knows better than me.
Definitely we will.
It's three weeks in Tallahassee.
What else is there to do?