The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Boat

Can you guys come with me for a minute? I know you saw me with the Senator.
I think I'm in love, possibly for the first time.
So, yes, Senator Lipton and I are having an affair.
I hope that I can count on your sensitivity, maturity, and discretion.
Why? All right, good.
Yeah, just sell it and get the best price you can, okay? Or we can hope for a holiday rally? Mike, I'm not a day trader.
I'm just a first responder in a disaster.
Andy's family had a total meltdown.
His dad blew through all their money and took off to Argentina with a younger woman.
And his brother, Walt Jr.
, locked himself in the wine cellar.
The weirdest part is Andy.
The aftermath got dumped on him, and the way he's been handling it is just so-- - Competent.
- Right? Are the nards hurtin'? Yeah, you bet.
Got kicked pretty hard.
Family shattered, super sad.
But I'm kinda crushin' it in the damage control department.
So, that's cool.
I wish my dad could see me now.
Of course, he caused this whole mess, so fuck him.
Kevin, listen to me.
I'm in love with the Senator.
And I need time to sort this out in a responsible manner.
So I need your help in keeping it a secret, because this means the world to me.
Okay? That's beautiful.
No, I-I totally get that.
Can you do this, Kevin? I really want to.
Whatever happens, always remember that.
I don't know what that means.
Hey, hey.
Oh, great.
Yeah, um, I'll get right back to you.
Hey, guys, has anyone ever heard of Iris Black on the radio? Yeah, she hosts the Dr.
Laura show.
Nope, that's Dr.
Laura.
Well, her show Bizwhiz wants someone from Dunder Mifflin to come on the air today.
Does anybody feel particularly passionate about local business issues? I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
I do.
The media can make you famous.
And do you have any idea how easy it is to sell something when you're famous? "Uh, yeah, wow.
at only $6.
90 after discount? Uh, whatever you say, Brad Pitt.
" It's that easy.
Hey, so that good-looking single brother of yours? Heard he was in a downward spiral with booze.
Yeah.
He's in rehab, actually.
Which place? The one right near Philly? I could be there in an hour.
No, it's in New Mexico.
Oh.
So, how are you holding up? We're done, Meredith.
Greta the tittle-tattle prattled on about the little metal bottle.
- Oh, my God.
- She spat a bit of spittle-- - Dwight.
In a bitter battle-- Hey, hey.
Stop questioning my methods, okay? I was chosen for this task for a very good reason.
No.
You chose yourself.
Tricky Siskel spat a bit of wicked biscuit-- All right, guys, there's a lot of assets here that my dad couldn't steal.
Now, first of all, there is the family boat, a 43-foot Tartan sloop.
My lawyer has lined up a buyer in the Bahamas.
The sale would cover the cost of a condo and living expenses for my mom.
- Sounds great.
- Perfect.
Totally, except it is a no-go.
This boat was the heart and soul of our family.
So what else we got? Non-boat ideas.
- What happened? - Jammed.
- Excuse me a second.
- Could this day get worse? Yeah, I think this day could get worse.
- What does that mean? - Kevin.
I don't know what you're talking about.
She could get, like, for 5 bucks.
- Oh, hey, sorry.
- She could eat for a month.
All right, what's the grand total? Did we make our nut? If we sell everything but the boat, your mom should be set for about six months.
Guys, you don't understand.
This boat's been in our family since before I was born.
Yeah, don't you guys have that place where you used to spend your summers and have all those memories? - I worked at a Jiffy Lube.
- See? I bet you wouldn't sell that Jiffy Lube for all the money in the world, would you, Darryl? I would if I owned it and I went broke.
All right.
Uh, all right.
I'm gonna tell the lawyer to pull the trigger on the boat.
Yes, the boat means everything to my family, but we need the money.
Got the memories, don't need the boat.
Can't cry about it.
What are you gonna do? Cry about it? Excuse me.
Oh, okay.
No problem.
Thanks.
Hey, guys, WPTU called.
The interview's off.
They're opening a new cupcake store at the steamtown mall, and Iris wants to cover that, so Well, why don't I go and tell Dwight, so he can stop being such a complete nipple? He's gonna be disappointed.
Yes, he is.
And you know what? We cannot let that happen.
Fax? Oh, yeah.
Just-- just a minute.
Watermelon teeth.
This isn't how I would cheer up just anyone, but it's a girlfriend's job to know her man, and I know Andy.
He is seriously juvenile.
Cool.
He's, like, 40, though, right? Oh, no.
He couldn't be more than late 30s, tops.
Awesome.
Have fun.
Dunder Mifflin.
Dunder Mifflin.
Good, sounds-- This is Dwight Schrute.
Please hold for Ms.
Black.
And welcome back to Bizwhiz.
I'm Iris Black.
On the line, we have Dunder Mifflin senior sales associate Dwight Schrute.
Iris, thank you so much for having me.
Help! My teeth are all messed up in my mouth.
Did you need something? Oh, I just need your signature on this.
Okay.
Thanks.
Kevin, we're out of 1138 forms.
Did you order more? I did not.
Well, I don't know why I'm surprised.
Literally nothing you could do could surprise me anymore.
Oh, really, Angela? That's interesting.
'Cause I do think that I could surprise you.
I think that I could surprise you all the-- Ah! I have to go to the bathroom.
That doesn't surprise me.
That actually wasn't the worst cover.
I'd say at least once a week, Kevin runs out of the room, shouting that he has to go to the bathroom.
Oh! I have to go to the bathroom! I have to go to the bathroom! Okay, who wants to go for a super fun lunch with a super fun girlfriend? Look, it's not that I don't want-- Okay, come on, I got someone to cover the phones, I heard on the radio about a new cupcake place we could go for dessert, perfect.
All I ever wanted to do was sail the damn thing.
But dad wouldn't let me.
He said, "you can't be a skipper until you're a man.
" You know, I'd reach for the wheel, and he'd just smack my hand away.
Well, guess what.
Now I'm the man of the family, and we're selling the damn thing.
So I'm never gonna have the chance.
Well, when does the boat leave, exactly? Tonight.
Then screw lunch.
Let's go for a sunset sail.
Yeah, right.
It's in Stamford, Connecticut.
We'd have to leave, like, right now.
Okay, well, then let's leave, like, right now.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, okay.
Let's go.
Seriously? Of course seriously.
Get your coat on.
- All right.
- All right.
- Let's do it.
- Let's do it.
Iris, let me tell you, David Wallace is the CEO, but he's not hands-on.
So the day-to-day operations are entirely under your command? Entirely is the perfect way to describe it, Iris.
Uh, excuse me, I'm being told by my sound engineer Steve that, uh, there is a clinking sound coming from your end.
Does your shirt have buttons? Yes.
I'm so sorry, we are going to have to ask you to remove the shirt altogether.
Now then.
We were saying, when my workers gather-- Oh, I'm so sorry.
I am told we are still having problems, Mr.
Schrute.
Your voice, it's sounding a little feminine.
That's impossible.
Are you, by any chance, wearing pants with a metallic zipper? The Senator is exhausted.
This campaign is wearing him out.
It's a tough one.
That man he's up against is so dirty, and the Senator's just pushing back as hard as he can.
Please stop.
What? Please stop.
Anyways, last night, he was so tired, he just wanted a little Mexican brought in.
I can't.
It's-- it's too much.
I'm in big trouble.
Yeah, Oscar's in big trouble.
Okay, how is my voice now? I'm getting the all clear from Steve.
So, Mr.
Schrute, what is your response to the Consumer Product Safety Commission that says Dunder Mifflin paper is toxic? This is gotcha journalism.
But you know what? They're not gonna "gotch" me.
It's clearly not an accounting mistake.
- Oh, Kevin.
- So His gambling problem must have resurfaced.
I'm gonna have to send him home until I can do an investigation.
Well, you gotta do what you gotta do, so This is slander, Ms.
Black.
Slander, I say.
I dare you to produce one credible source about this.
Well, as it happens, we have with us the foreman of your upstate New York paper mill, Sondra Mc-- Sondra Mick.
Good afternoon, Iris.
It's a pleasure.
I'll get straight to the point.
Is your paper toxic? No, the paper's not toxic Thank you, Sondra! Unless it's exposed to oxygen.
Then it becomes extremely toxic.
Do not listen to her! This employee is obviously disgruntled.
What the heck is going on? The stock price is plummeting.
Are you gonna get control of the message, or do I have to send in someone who understands the media? - Get out of here, moron! - Okay.
Uh, excuse me, Mr.
Dwight, who are you talking to? Uh, no one.
Did you just call Ms.
Mick a moron? No, everything's fine.
Are you insulting my guests? Okay.
I will be right there.
Hey, Oscar.
What if I'm getting a promotion? I hope that's it, Kevin.
Me too.
'Cause then, I would get my own office, and I wouldn't screw up your secret with Angela.
I've been really worried about that.
Hi, Kevin.
Look, I need to talk to you-- - Hi.
- Guys, excuse me.
Um, a quick word? Please, just-- - Oscar, we're in the middle of talking.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
Snack machine, on me.
Oh, that is nice.
Classy move.
That's what I'm saying! No, of course not! - Wha-- - What are you doing? Those figures I gave you, they're false.
No.
I was mad at Kevin.
We had a fight, and I acted vindictively.
So you set him up.
Yes, he's innocent.
Oh I knew it.
I knew it from the beginning, this was a possibility.
What are you talking about? I just did this now.
Oh, no, a few years ago, when I was on the jury, the Scranton strangler.
Sure.
I always thought he might have been set up, but I felt pressured to convict.
That's gotta be tough.
Tough? I put an innocent man on death row.
The fallout from this morning's revelation continues to mount.
Since Mr.
Dwight Schrute began speaking, Dunder Mifflin share prices fell 73%.
Mr.
Schrute, shareholders demand accountability from corporate leadership.
Can we announce your resignation at this time? My resignation? What are you talking about? No, I'm just following orders! Listen, the person responsible for this catastrophe is the ceo and chairman, David Wallace.
That's yours? That's the family boat right there.
Oh, my gosh, Andy.
This is enormous.
Right? I thought it was gonna be tiny.
Oh, my gosh.
It's beautiful.
So this is how your family came to America.
- Move.
- Sorry? I'm trying to rig a boat here.
I don't know how to do that when you're standing in the way.
Sure, I-I'm not-- I didn't know.
I'm not a ghost, so I can't walk through people.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- He was salty.
- Yes, a little bit.
How you doing, old buddy? Missed you.
What does that one do? This raises the mainsail.
That was my job when we went sailing.
I wish I had seen you do it.
- Really? - Yeah.
Up she goes.
Don't do that.
- Don't do that.
- Oh, it's okay.
My girlfriend and I were actually gonna take her for a little spin and a picnic before you guys head out tonight.
You know what? Get some dinner on me.
Nope.
Can't do that.
Got it.
You know what, then we'll just take it for a quick little spin around the harbor.
We've already started boarding.
No one is insured to rig or operate now, except us.
You know what? Chill, okay? I own the boat.
Not gonna sue myself.
All right? So just-- Wow.
I can smack you all day if you keep touching what you're not supposed to touch.
- Okay, fine, fine.
- Okay? - Yeah, fine.
- Good stuff.
Good stuff.
Great stuff.
Fuck! Damn it! Screw you, dad! Ugh! Well, we're doing it.
We're finally having a picnic on the boat.
I've had a thousand picnics on this boat.
The point was for me to sail it.
Andy, you never had to sail the boat to be a man.
Fine, but I could have.
As long as we're on this boat, as far as I'm concerned, you're the captain.
I am the captain.
- Yeah.
- Right? Yeah.
I'm the captain.
Hey, charm school.
What? - I'm taking over from here.
- Nice.
Okay, I hate to ruin this, uh, moment, or breakdown, but you already signed the papers.
So, if you want your boat back, you can pick it up there in the Bahamas in ten days.
Yeah, I know, 'cause I'm sailing it there.
Okay, no.
I already said you're not getting back your deposit.
Fine, keep it.
Just leave the supplies.
I already paid for those.
And how much for that cool fisherman sweater? For those just joining us, terror in Greenwich, where police have surrounded the house of Dunder Mifflin CEO David Wallace.
Wallace is said to be despondent over the company's stock plummet, and has taken a mailman hostage.
On the line, we have Chief of Greenwich Police, Mr.
Bill Jackson.
Good afternoon.
Please, sir, spare him.
Please.
Uh, this Wallace guy's looking at hard time, and we only know this because of what Dwight snoot said on record.
Okay, everyone.
Everyone, hold on.
I've got a solution.
I know Wallace's phone number.
Everyone hold, I'll conference him in.
Oh, no, Mr.
Schrute, there's really no need to, um, involve Mr.
Wallace.
Do you even know what you're doing? Yeah.
Yeah, I know how to hoist the mainsail, I know how to-- These buttons control bilge pumps and stuff.
I also know where the booze stash is.
Hello.
Walt? Oh, God! Thank goodness you're here.
I was having a little trouble, uh, with this door, uh, yesterday.
I, um-- I think it was yesterday.
I thought you were in rehab.
Yeah, I just, uh-- I figured I'd get that first relapse out of the way.
God, what's happened to our family? Everything is so messed up.
How did you even know I was in here? I didn't.
I just came to say good-bye to the boat, but I've decided to sail it to Bermuda.
- Bahamas, Andy.
- Same thing.
I need a crew.
You should be my crew.
Three weeks, open ocean, no booze.
You need this.
I need it.
We need this.
Serious bro time.
Come on.
- Hello? - David, is that you? Dwight? Oh, thank God.
Oh, thank God.
Are you okay? Is everyone okay? Yeah.
Are you okay? I'm okay.
I just want you to know that I believe in you.
I really do.
And I believe in your ability to make the right choices.
I always have, David.
Well, thanks, Dwight.
You're welcome, sir.
But, David, listen to me carefully.
I'm going to need you to let the mailman go, okay? Dwight? - Walk out of the house - What? With your hands on top of your head.
Everything is going to be fine.
Dunder Mifflin will be in good hands while you're away in prison.
Okay, Dwight? Gonna ask you to not call me on my cell anymore.
Gotta go.
Wait a minute.
You guys? You heard? Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Schrute! Overall, I'd say my first radio interview went pretty much the way I expected.
Well, Oscar, I did not get the promotion.
He just wanted to update my personal information.
Well, I'm sorry, Kevin.
Why on Earth would you think you were getting a promotion? You know what, Angela, I-- Oh, my God.
Honey, what are you doing here? Oh, I just had an intuition that someone I love needed a little of my attention today.
Oscar, looking very healthy.
Getting lots of vigorous exercise? No.
No.
Oscar, what is going on? What was that? - Wha-- - What was that? I-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean any offense.
I was just trying to be friendly.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I overreacted, because I'm stressed out.
Why am I stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Who's not stressed out? Come on, Oscar.
We're not just gonna sit here and ignore the obvious.
Senator Lipton has a big election next week.
We all need to give him our support.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Oh, thanks, everybody.
'Cause it's really cool.
- USA! USA! - USA.
U-- I have to say, I'm impressed with Kevin.
Uh, he showed a lot of self-control.
I totally forgot about the affair for a minute.
Oscar is having sex with the Senator, and Angela doesn't even know.
Her life is a complete sham.
All right, guys.
Cast us off.
Walt, all aboard.
Erin, this is because of you.
Do you realize that? You're the best ever.
Oh, you know, just being a good girlfriend.
"Good"? Come on.
Above and beyond.
World's greatest.
You did this.
Damn it, I'm happy! Yes, I am very pleased I could help Andy.
Would I have gone with him if he'd asked me? On his sailboat cruise to the Caribbean? Yes, I think that would have been really fun and romantic.
- I'll see you in three weeks! - Okay! Hey, bro, it was here all along.
- No way! - Way! Erin, I gotta go! Them's my chords! Hey.
She's back.
Thanks for covering the phones.
Yeah, no problem.
How was it? Fine.
Hey, some buddies and I are going to poor Richard's for beers and pool.
You want to come? I can't promise you too much, but you might get to meet my friend Flipper.
Does he have a flipper? Oh, nope.
It's not that.
He, uh, he flipped a table one time when he was drunk.
He sounds like an idiot.
Yeah, he is.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Thanks.
Yeah.