The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Lice

To me, the Sixers are a five seat tops.
I think they're going to the Conference finals.
- No.
- Bynum, an obvious monster.
At three-point shooting, don't even-- I bit my lip at lunch today.
Anyway, I just don't see it.
The Knicks are tough.
- The Nets are tough.
- Oh, the Nets are super tough.
Now I have this big bump on my lip that hurts.
I hate it.
The Hawks are terrible.
They're always terrible.
Okay, you need to think about it before you come with the-- Whatever.
It's not a big deal.
You know, I always tell my three-year-old, if this is the worst thing that's gonna happen-- You gotta be kidding me! Okay.
Pam, that's it.
I'm going home.
Morning, Meredith.
What? Oh, sorry.
Jim's been spending a few days a week in Philly, and I'm not gonna lie-- it's been challenging.
Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse.
I found out Cece has lice, so I was up all night, disinfecting every sheet, towel, toy, item of clothing in the entire house.
I'm exhausted.
But don't tell Jim.
He has a huge meeting today, under a lot of pressure, and he's doing it all for the family.
I am meeting Dr.
J today, otherwise known as Julius Erving, famed 76er and my own personal hero.
But I have to be careful not to rub it in Pam's face because, let's be honest, how would I feel if I was at home, stuck with the kids while she was go-karting with John Stamos? You sound tired.
Everything okay? Great.
Everything's great.
Hey, are you nervous about your big meeting? Uh, a little bit.
It's a lot of pressure, you know? But that's what I signed up for, right? - Jim, the limo's here.
- Uh, you know what? I gotta hop off because my, uh, taxi is here to take me to the meeting.
- Oh, call me later.
- Okay.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
- I love you.
- Love you too.
How are you doing? Okay.
I mean, it's what you want, so-- - It's how it has to be.
- I know, I know.
It's just hard.
Me and Val were going nowhere, and if I'm gonna be working in Philly, I'm gonna need my freedom, so I convinced Val to break up with me.
Here's how you do it.
You say, "What are you gonna do, break up with me?" Like, as a joke.
And then you gain a lot of weight.
I'll never be sorry, not for a moment of it.
Me neither.
Come here.
Hey, Meredith, I need your supply requests today.
Jeez H in the morning, will you stop your nagging already? No wonder Jim left you.
He didn't leave me.
He just went part-time.
Can you just fill out the form, please? Yes.
I'm sure she's just confused.
People scratch their heads when they're confused.
Not always like an ape, the way Meredith just did, but it happens.
Hurry up already.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Between the foster homes and the orphanage, I had lice 22 times.
Holy wow, that's a big one.
All right, pencils down, everyone-- we've got lice.
Oh, God, Meredith! Lice? Did you not sign a pledge to shower? What? Lice? Oh, my God.
Lock the doors.
We're on full quarantine.
Dwight, relax.
It's just lice.
Maybe, possibly.
Just lice, Pam? Of all of the vermin in God's great green kingdom, lice are the ones I detest the most.
My first day of school, I had lice, and no one would play with me.
For 15 years, they called me "freak" and "four eyes" and "sci-fi nerd" and "girl puncher," all because I had lice when I was seven.
- Make way.
- Dwight! No.
Inspect me.
Oh, this is the cleanest scalp I've ever seen.
- You are all clear.
- I should be.
I use lice shampoo every morning.
- Hey! - Oh! - Stop that! - Dwight! Next.
Jeez, Meredith, you know, this is an office.
It's not one of your bean-bag orgies.
Uh, let's give her a break.
We don't know for sure this is Meredith's fault.
Pam, really? Come on.
Hey, what do you want? I know who I am.
Nobody's taking Meredith Palmer to the opera to meet the queen.
More lice.
- Angela has lice.
- Ew! Oh! Ooh, yabber.
How? I am so clean.
- Oh, yeah.
Big-time lice.
- Aah! I wash my hands at least six times a day.
Toilet seat covers? Yes, thank you, even when I pee.
Apparently, none of that is protection enough, not when it comes to Meredith.
- Ooh.
- Oh.
Hey, what are you wearing? It's a hazmat suit.
That stands for hazardous materials men's suit wearing.
If you rent more than four times a year, it just makes sense to buy.
Is there anyone else here that is lice-free? Excellent.
You have your own hazmat suits? - No.
- No.
Okay, I'm gonna need you to gather your belongings, retreat to the warehouse.
Conduct your business there until the infected have been de-loused.
Let's get going.
I'm gonna stay here and fight.
If you don't hear from me by lunch, call me.
I might want lunch.
All right.
We're going down to my warehouse.
That means we're playing by my rules.
No messing with the baler, and be cool in front of me and Val.
We just broke up.
You got dumped? - Yeah, she ended things.
- Break-ups are the worst.
The only thing that got me through mine was large amounts of Shepherd's pie and Brandy.
The singer, not the drink.
Here, man.
You need them more than me.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
Guys, I think we should all ease up on Meredith.
This has got to be hard for her.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I have not yet begun to shame.
That's it.
I'm getting my stuff.
I'm leaving for the day.
No, Stanley, if you leave now, then you'll get it in your car, and then you'll get it in your house! Get off me.
I'm trying to save you from yourself! All right, I'll stay! There's a pencil poking in my rolls.
Maybe it was Meredith.
Maybe she brought in lice that are totally different than the lice that I got from Cece.
So let's not jump to the simplest conclusion that she got her lice from me.
That is how wars get started.
Fine, I'll tell her it was me.
Oh, man.
That's fresh-squeezed.
And are all the snacks complimentary? Yeah, take some home if you want.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's okay.
I Um, I'm sorry.
Is this the conference center? No.
Erving called.
Said he's rather meet you at his private court.
You gotta be kidding me.
Hey, Meredith, I need to tell you something.
Yeah, Pam? What do you want? Oh, my God.
Meredith, what are you doing? Bakin' a cake.
What does it look like I'm doing? - Getting rid of the lice.
- Oh, stop! I'm so sorry! Oh, can you hold that thought? That's my wax.
You know, I think these critters migrated from down south.
What were you saying? Nothing.
I'm going to tell her, but now is clearly not the time.
I will buy her a wig, we'll have a few laughs.
There's a right way to do this.
, , follicle gypsies, hair lawyers.
One thing is clear-- it's kill or be killed! No, no, no.
It's more of a nuisance, really.
It's not that big a deal.
So I've collected your hats and your coats - To be burned! - to be washed.
What do we do about our heads? I'm not gonna lie.
Lye! No.
All we need is mayonnaise.
- Excuse me? - She's right.
It works.
I would imagine.
It helps to suffocate the little buddies, and it's a really healthy alternative to the chemicals found in most lice shampoos.
I can appreciate that.
I also only eat local organic produce.
Sha-boom! How do you like me now? - Oh! - Wow! Take a picture.
It'll last longer.
We don't want it to last longer.
It's horrible.
- Bald people make me sick.
- Yeah, yeah.
Everybody pile on Meredith.
But I'm the only one with the balls to show them lice who's boss.
Okay, nobody panic.
If everybody just follows my instructions, then nobody else needs to end up bald.
Not that it looks bad, Meredith.
It looks-- it looks awesome.
You look like a baby who suddenly aged 50 years.
A cute baby, but something sucked the life force out of it.
I'm so sorry.
We need mayonnaise.
- We need it now.
- Oh, uh, uh, I'll go.
- Okay.
- Oh, thank you.
You're a saint, Pam.
No, it's not a big deal, please, no.
Uh, Meredith, could I get you something special while I'm at the store? Candy or-- or one of those stylish turbans? Thanks, Pam.
I'll take a pack of Nicorette gum and a pack of Kools.
Let's talk pubes, people.
- Hey, Darryl.
- Oh, hey, Val.
Oh, that was tragic.
Oh, that was like a car crash.
I couldn't look away.
You two still clearly have feelings for each other.
What's gonna make you feel better, big guy? When I was a kid, my grandmother used to make me chocolate cake when I wasn't feeling good.
She's not around to do that anymore.
I'm sorry.
I just need a moment to myself, just to clear my head.
Oh, poor Darryl.
I can't bear to see him suffer like this.
I think he needs some hugs and maybe some chocolate cake.
This won't help him.
It's a muffin, not cake.
Listen, let's try and get Darryl the one thing in the world he clearly wants and needs the most.
- An Escalade.
- Or what's her name.
Let's get Darryl Val.
I hope you don't mind me bringing you out here.
I can't get my knees under a desk.
Are you kidding me? I could literally scalp tickets to this.
Well, you think you could sink one from deep? Listen, I don't mean to intimidate you, but I did play a little high school ball.
Halpert's got game.
All right.
Oh, sorry.
I'm so sorry.
This is my wife.
Can I take this? If it's your wife, you better take it.
Right? Hey, what's up? Everything okay? Oh, no.
Everything's great.
Um, I was just calling to see, uh, how the meeting went.
Oh, it's still happening right now, actually, so-- He's, uh, really making you work for it, huh? Yes, it is very stressful.
Are you sure everything's okay? Great.
I am killing it over here.
- Jim, I gotta go.
- Okay, bye.
- So sorry about that.
- Oh, no problem.
Hey, Jim, what size do you wear, man? I got a pair of Japanese Nikes with your name on 'em.
- What do you think? - I love it.
Once it's all over your head, just leave it there for four hours.
That will be enough time for the lice to fall asleep, suffocate, and then pass away.
Oh, sure.
And when you're ready to get serious, come to me to get it done right.
Put those away before you hurt yourself.
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
No! No! No! No! No! No! Okay, it's easier with a buddy, so everybody pair up.
Oscar, you want to be my partner? Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
I'd love to.
Hey, uh, mayo buddy, $5 tip, you unclog my ears, okay? Oh, Creed, I'm so sorry.
I'm-- I'm already partners with Pete.
Right, Pete? Uh, yeah.
We promised each other if we ever got lice, we'd buddy up, so, sorry, man.
Hey, Creed.
Want to be my buddy? Oh, God.
Stuck with the weirdo.
You don't want bugs, you know? Who knows where those bugs will end up.
You're getting a bargain.
I ain't got no hair no more.
Creed, I'm all done.
My turn.
I'm sorry, Pam.
It looks a little messy.
Well, wait.
- How's that? - I feel it working.
Ksk, ksk, ksk, ksk, ksk.
- Eiffel tower.
- Oh! Now.
Can I help you? - Well-- - Um-- We don't want to pry, but we heard you broke up with Darryl.
Yeah, that's true.
We think you made a big, big mistake.
- Big mistake.
- Quite enormous.
He's a real catch, and you should take him back.
Thank you.
Is that all? No.
No, that is not all.
Let me tell you what real life is like.
The men dry up, and the nights get lonely.
The only calls on your machine are from collection agencies about that pair of motorcycle boots you've never even worn.
You stalk your old high school boyfriend online, go to his daughter's soccer games, and make a scene.
You buy a diamond ring for yourself wear it on your right hand, and tell yourself you're all you need.
One day, you're alone, tired.
At your feet, a dying bird.
But where did it come from? Why did you kill it? It is because, in some strange way, it is you? Thank you all for your concern, but I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, okay? - Pfft! Well.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
So does this mean you're gonna take Darryl back? No.
Well, then, what would you say to you and me hitting the town? 'Cause I'm free, literally, forever.
Yeah, Kevin asked me out.
I was kind of feeling good about re-entering the dating pool, and then Kevin asked me out.
Thought I might trade up to a new level of man.
Then Kevin asked me out.
- Hello? - Hi, honey, it's mom.
Look, Cece's school just called.
- She still has lice.
- What? No, that can't-- I don't-- - Now, don't worry, don't worry.
I'm on my way to pick her up, but you might have lice too.
You know, lice can be tricky.
Sometimes lice, like - Oh, my God.
- Shave her head.
Shave her head! You guys, I am so sorry! It's just been so chaotic with Jim gone that I-- Yeah, yeah, princess fancy-pants letting Jane 12-pack over here take the fall! She's right, Pam.
Is there a volume knob on that thing? Yes, there's a volume knob on that thing! Meredith, I am so sorry.
Well, a lot of good your sorrys are doing her now, Pam.
She's a monster.
I meant to say something earlier.
I just-- Just? Just what? Just forgot? Who's the one that didn't bring lice into the office? Meredith.
Sure, I gave everybody pink-eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars.
And, yeah, I BMed in the Shredder on New Year's, but I didn't bring the lice in.
That was all Pam.
Attention, people of the office.
You have exactly 60 seconds to evacuate the bullpen.
At that time I will be tossing this powerful insecticidal grenade, which contains Piperonyl Butoxide, as well as Dwight, are you okay? Whoa, the butoxide has a mild hallucinogenic effect that I don't think has kicked in yet.
I'm gonna count down for ten.
Nine Yellow Cold.
What's that? Purple.
He got to purple.
Ow! Sorry.
You're waterboarding me! Oops.
No, this is fine.
We're allowed to do this.
This is okay.
Okay, you're up.
Yeah, I'm actually kind of sad to see this baby go.
You do kind of look like Elvis, but we should probably wash all the dead lice out.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Is that too cold? No.
Actually, it feels kind of nice.
I wonder what happened over there.
I've been sitting here the whole time.
- Okay.
- Huh? Let's give it a shot.
Let's make it work.
Oh, no.
I mean, I want to.
I just-- I don't want to force you into doing something you don't want to do.
You're not.
I believe in us.
But-- I'm back together with Val.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Had a pretty good day today.
Not everything went exactly according to plan, but, lice, if you are watching, I am ready for you anytime, anywhere.
Hey, Erin already take off? I guess so.
You're Kareem, coming to help.
Okay, I'm Kareem.
That makes total sense.
I'm Kareem, you're Dr.
That sounds weird to say out loud.
And it went like this And that's all.
No one will believe this back home but that's okay.
- Let me show you how - Yeah, you show me how to do it.
Hey, honey.
It's me.
Just trying to catch you before going home.
Uh Well, just give me a call whenever.
Hope your day got better.
Love you.
What're you doing right now? I'm just gonna go home.
My mom's been watching the kids all day.
Let her stay another hour.
Let's go get a beer.
Really? A beer sounds incredible right now.
Let's go.
You're buying.
Meredith, I am so sorry about today.
Forget about it.
I just did not realize how hard it was gonna be without Jim.
I mean, I really respect you for being a single mom all these years.
It whipped my ass in half a week.
I have to say, there are not a lot of people who could pull off a shaved head, but you're rocking it.
Right? I got the bartender's phone number when you were in the john.
I'm gonna take that freak to bone town before the night is over.
Get it, girl! This one's for all you ladies out there.
- I come-- - Not yet.
I come home in the middle of the night my mother says, when you gonna live your life right? oh, mother dear, we're not the fortunate ones and girls, they want to have fun oh, girls just want to have fun