The Office (US) Episode Scripts

N/A - Suit Warehouse

_ Stone & Son Suit Warehouse recently lost their paper provider.
They're a family-owned business.
Jim and I used to clean up at those.
We'd go in pretending to be family-- brothers.
We did it at a family-owned law firm, at a family-owned construction company, and a family-owned motorcycle store.
Jim and Dwight Shrupert.
- I was the dynamic - Yeah! Likeable winner that was doted upon by mom.
Whoo! Yeah! And Jim was the closeted foot fetishist pretending to belong.
The client never knew any of that.
But I knew.
I hope you've been paying your wig storage bills, Jimbo, 'cause it's time for another episode of "handsome and stinky, paper brothers for hire.
" Sorry, stinky.
Can't do it-- too busy.
Oh, God, this again? You're stinky.
Okay.
There's no possible way I can get there, so just ask Phyllis.
She can be - your older sister or something.
- Phyllis my sister? More like my dead great-great-grandmother who died of stupidity.
I have ears, Dwight.
Oh, do you really have ears, Phyllis? Like all human beings? We all have ears.
See what you leave me with here, Jim? Hey, I'm in Philadelphia right now.
How is that my problem? Get in your car and drive down here.
You can make it in 30 minutes if you drive 240 miles per hour.
Huh.
How long would it take me if I drove 300 miles an hour? Mm.
That's a good question.
Um that comes to 25 minutes.
Yes.
Oh, well, thank you, Jim.
Yes, I am better than you.
Thanks for acknowledging that.
Okay, bye-bye.
Love you.
Darryl, looking good! Heading to Philly.
Interview with Jim's company.
Hey, good luck.
When you get to Philly, will you tell Jim I miss him? Why don't you come along and tell him yourself? Ha ha.
That'd be great.
Kinda like ditching school, except instead of getting suspended, you get what do you get? Oh, my God! Why didn't I think of this? Andy's not here.
Oh, hey, Erin, I'm expecting a shipment of pens.
- Can you cover that? - Mm-hmm.
Cover that.
What does that mean, exactly? What are we talking here? Details.
A delivery guy will deliver a box of pens, and you just make sure everything's in order.
What? Everything? What-- how do I make sure it's in order? I-- haven't been trained for this.
Okay, see you later.
Hey, guys.
- Clark.
- Hey.
Hey, look who's back.
Dwight Junior.
Hey, so how was it? I mean the sex with Jan.
A gentleman doesn't discuss such matters.
Especially when the feelings of a lady are involved.
Women reach their sexual peak at whatever age Jan was last week.
I mean, it was like making love with a wild animal.
But not like a cougar like you might think.
It was, uh like a swarm of bees.
Bees that just find something wrong with every hotel room.
Nothing wrong with being a gentleman.
Like my mom used to say, "talk classy, act nasty.
" What's with the wig, Meredith? What, is it on backwards? Nope.
You got it.
You fixed it.
Uh, I have a gift from Jan.
It's an espresso maker.
- Ooh! - We came to be quite fond of espresso on the Amalfi Coast, so bon appetit.
Ooh! Now, that's Italian.
My friend has one of these.
Fool-proof espresso every time.
Always with the friends, Oscar.
Can't we just enjoy the new espresso machine? Actually, it's pronounced espresso.
Wait.
That's what you said.
I apologize.
I just assumed you would mispronounce it.
So There he is! Ha ha! We are all so proud of you for the small part that you played in landing the White Pages.
Prouder of me, but If you really want to show appreciation, just give me half the commission.
Gosh, you know, I wish I could but, uh no.
Hey, listen, remember how everyone used to call you Dwight Junior and how much you loved that? Ha ha ha.
I loved it.
How would like to pretend to be my son in order to land a sale? If it'll lead to me being a salesman, I'll pretend to be your friend.
Then, looks like we have a deal son.
Hi, guys.
Hey, look who it is.
Sorry.
Super-busy.
Pens coming in later.
Just grabbing a java before all hell breaks loose.
- Try this one.
- Thank you.
I don't really have time to think about Pete right now.
I just have a lot going on with this whole shipment of pens.
And I have a lot of people trusting me, and I would feel super-guilty if I broke anyone's trust.
About the pens.
You ready for your interview? I was born ready! No.
I suck at interviews.
I had Andy's job in the bag until my interview.
Well, you shouldn't be nervous about this.
This is a tiny start-up with a bunch of guys - just as dorky as Jim.
- Yeah, I guess.
Really, you can't be scared of a room full of Jims.
I love the guy, but he's basically gumby with hair.
It's kind of funny.
Father and son sales team meeting with a father and son suit store.
You know, you're right! We hadn't even thought of that, had we, boy? No, we sure hadn't, pop.
Oh! You're a hunter, I see.
Spend your early mornings out in the blinds like Clarky and me? Huh? He calls me Clarky 'cause he's my dad.
Guilty.
You don't meet many hunters these days.
My dad is the best hunter there is.
I mean, he's like a serial killer of animals.
One time he snuck up behind a sleeping deer and just sawed its head right off-- it was sick! It was his birthday.
- Just turned three, so - Ah.
You guys, I kinda think I want to try them all.
Is that crazy? No.
Look, without a taste test, how are we supposed to know which flavors we like to reorder? Taste test? I'm in.
Yolo! - What? - Ooh.
It's a thing.
It means you only live once.
Yeah, we're aware of what it means, Oscar.
You just do not look cool saying it.
- Well-- - All right, everybody.
- Who's in? - Yep.
Angela.
Don't make us come over there.
No, I don't-- no.
All right, let's go.
Can't I just agree without putting my hand in? - Absolutely not.
- No way.
Oh, fine.
Okay, guys.
We all drink them all.
We all drink them all.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Whoo! - Hey.
- Where's my ring? - I'm sure it'll turn up.
Yes, ma'am, you wanna go east on Franklin, take that all the way to Commonwealth.
You'll see us on the right side.
You can't miss us.
- Whoa.
- Yes.
And I want to reach every demographic possible.
No, I hear what you're saying, and we will.
The thing is, we gotta lock down this key demographic first.
The rest will come.
I promise.
Just give me a couple weeks, all right? We're talking weeks here, not months, right? Weeks.
Always weeks.
Man, the last time I talked months was, like - a million weeks ago.
- All right.
Good.
Thanks, Dennis, appreciate it.
Hey! - How are you? - Good.
- What are you doing here? - I just wanted to see you.
- That's so great! - Damn.
Jim, you got a real Facebook energy going on here, man.
You Zuckerberged this place out.
It's pretty great, right? I mean, we're coming along-- hey, Wade, we gotta just push up Dennis's timeline.
- Okay.
- Actually, you know what? Give me one second, okay? Make yourselves at home.
But I think that all of your concerns will be answered when you see the brochure that Clark's getting out of my car.
He's a good boy.
Does whatever I say.
I can't relate to that.
My son hates my guts.
Oh? Really? Bring him into the business, and he resents me.
How do you like that? Well, things between me and Clark are good, not great.
In fact, I will say that they're not even good.
Really, they're bad.
Like you and your son.
Here you go, pop.
I know it was just a couple minutes, but - God, I missed you.
- What took you so long? Were you loitering out there like a Hooligan, smoking a doobie? I sure was.
Just like he taught me.
- Looking cool.
- You're being disrespectful! And I love you for saying that.
We don't get along.
Ha ha! I just burned him.
Because the truth is our relationship is - Ter-- terrible.
- Terrible.
Yes.
Genius.
Stupid, stupid genius! Wow! This place is so great.
I had no idea-- on the phone, you made it sound kind of dinky.
Well, I mean, I don't even have the paycheck yet.
It is a start-up, so These things go down all the time.
If this company's going down, I wanna go down on it.
With it.
I wanna go down with it.
Are you cool to just hang out? - Sure, no problem.
- Yeah? - You ready? - Yeah.
Let's do it.
The pen delivery went amazing, and now I've got all these pens just waiting to be unpacked.
But Pam did not tell me to unpack the pens, and I'm not one of those people who's just like, "uh, sure, I'll accept the pens when they come in," and then as soon as your back's turned, I unpack the pens and get all this credit and some great pen unpacker.
On the other hand they are just sitting here.
Pam didn't tell me not to unpack them.
Don't wanna be a busybody, but I don't wanna be a lazybones.
Busybody, lazybones.
Busybody, lazybones.
Aah! My brain is ping-ponging around in my head right now.
It's insane.
I'm sorry.
What was your question again? Oh, yeah.
No.
I've never had an espresso before.
They're good, though.
A-bam! My favorite is Viennese Amaretto.
And the worst flavor I've tried so far is Alpine Select! Yes! - Ah! - One! - Kevin! Kevin! Kevin! - Two! - Stop it! - Three! - That's enough, Kevin.
- Stop it, Kevin! - Four! - That's enough.
So for your menswear catalogue, I think we can offer you some very competitive pricing.
- I heard that before.
- Well, I understand, but-- - I bet you have.
He knows nothing about what people have heard before, my son.
Here we go again, another lecture from the old man.
Listen to him.
He created you.
Maybe if you listened a little bit, you'd improve.
No wonder women despise you.
Women don't despise me.
His last girlfriend was a transvestite.
I knew it right away.
Adam's apple like the prow of a ship.
Thumbs like a lowland gorilla.
Ha.
But this one couldn't see it or didn't wanna see it.
All right, that's enough, 'cause I can say some things about him too.
- Yeah, like what? - Like the time that you got drunk and-- and then killed those kids on their way to prom.
That never happened.
He's always been a liar.
Ever since he was a little kid and he got caught "saving treats" from the kitty litter box.
Really shameful.
So we can offer you matte or glossy printing-- Glistening brown morsels tumbling from every pouch in his trousers.
There's obviously a volume discount if you-- Following the cat around on his knees with his hands cupped beneath its tail, going, "Please, kitty, may I have some more?" You can't make this stuff up! No, I think someone could make it up.
Someone with very few friends.
Hey, fellas, sorry to keep you waiting.
There he is.
My son.
Got cat turd collector written all over him.
Did you say cat turd collector? So definitely looking to expand our market, but for now we're just concentrating on athletes that are popular here in the Northeast.
Of course, that's not a mandate.
"Mandate"-- always think of two men on a date.
I have gay friends.
I have one gay friend.
- Oscar.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, so what makes you think you'd be a good fit here? Okay.
Um all right.
Obviously, y'all look really busy, and I don't want to waste your time anymore.
Sorry, I just, uh obviously, I'm not qualified to be here, man, I'm I'm a warehouse manager, you know Darryl, I was a newspaper editor.
Science teacher.
Volleyball coach.
I work at a home shopping network.
I'm a lawyer.
I'm the only one here who can honestly help.
And as you know, I was a paper salesman.
Hey, I find it helps if you just picture everybody naked.
Cool.
Hey, thanks.
So how about we start over, hmm? Darryl, do you have any thoughts on the company? Yes, as a matter of fact, I, uh - I wrote some down.
- Oh.
There you go.
Wow, this guy came prepared.
It impresses me! Ah.
So this is what 2:00 PM looks like around here.
I usually take a siesta about now.
Stocking pens, huh? You're like the new office administrator.
No.
I just took over the pen shipment because Pam had to leave.
When I say it out loud, I know that sounds insane, but it's the truth, I swear.
Pam! Pam, look out! - Erin's gunning for your job! - No, I'm not.
It's not like that at all.
- Forget it.
I'm so sorry.
- Pam, look out! Pens, you did not buy into this.
I am sorry.
What a day you've had.
By the way, Jim talks about you all the time.
That's sweet that he talks about me.
It's too bad he still has to work part-time in Scranton though.
Well, that's funny, 'cause I think of him as working part-time in Philadelphia.
We can't wait until you move here.
I'm sorry-- you guys are here to sell us paper? Do you mind? The men are talking.
Sons used to idolize their fathers.
Us old-timers need to stick together.
And how better than by signing a contract? I'd love to.
Sam Junior here, he runs the business now.
Kinda pushed me out, truth be told.
I'm just here for human contact.
Okay, pop.
Wait.
So you're the boss? That's right.
- Hi.
I'm Clark.
- Hey.
- Let's talk.
- Okay.
So if you look at our catalog here Well, thanks for coming down, Darryl.
It was nice meeting you, Darryl.
I think you'd fit in great here.
Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
I think it'd be like you know what? I think it'd be like a Kevin Durant jump shot-- perfecto! Oh, my God.
They are the ones put a fish tank next to a basketball hoop.
It's like if I put a glass of milk on the edge of the table and Cece knocks it over, I don't blame Cece.
So I'm like a three-year-old girl in this scenario.
Say they don't hire you.
It's not like you're out on the street.
You have a great job with people who love you.
And I'd only get to see Jada on the weekends.
You know, I'm I'm not so sure I'd like living in Philadelphia.
Right? Thank you! It's just Philly.
Everyone's acting like it's New York or Paris or London.
- Who needs it? - Not us.
Okay.
So the consensus was that that was unique.
They're gonna make you pay for the fish, and they wanted to know when you can start.
What? How 'bout yesterday? - Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
I guess you gotta move to Philly after all.
Yes, I love Philly! Two-one-five or die! No, I'm not upset.
I'm really excited for Darryl.
Maybe I'm a little disappointed that we'll be losing him.
It feels really hot in here.
Is it hot in here? It feels really, really hot in here.
It's insane! They need to have the AC on year-round! January too! I don't get the point of this stupid window! I mean, look, you and I both know that in paper or fashion, styles change.
Check out my dad's suit.
You are looking at pure acrylic.
That's why his face always breaks out.
Does that suit come with a fire extinguisher? Ha ha ha.
You know what, dad? Maybe you should buy me a suit.
I mean, I'm gonna need one, right, if I'm ever gonna get a "real" job and move "my lazy ass" out of your "GD house.
" He's got ya there.
That's Italian silk.
Very comfortable.
Very tasteful although expensive.
Yeah, you don't want Italian.
You'll look like a mafia don.
Next thing you know, you'll be doing life in Rikers Island.
Well, that's better than looking like the undertaker - from boring island.
- That place doesn't exist.
It's not a documented island.
Cartograph much? How do I look? Actually you look great.
They steered you right.
I guess it does make sense buying from a father-son team.
You know what? I'll take one too.
Everyone, now that we have all this energy, why don't we move the copier into the annex like we've always wanted to? - Whoo! - Frickin' A! So long, noise! One, two, three! Oh! And we have torn up the carpet.
Oh, we're gonna be in so much trouble! Wait! It's beautiful.
Hardwood.
I always knew it was down here.
I just never dreamed that I would actually see it.
Tear up the carpet! Whoo! Kill their fish, and they still hire me.
That's how you do that, baby.
It's all good.
I'm ready.
Y'all ready for this? Uh uh-uh-uh uh uh-uh-uh uh uh-uh-uh Everybody dance now Yeah! uh uh-uh-uh uh uh-uh-uh Kevin, move.
I can't pull up the rug if you're standing on it with your rhinoceros feet.
Well, I can't stand here if you pull the carpet out from under me.
Oh, my head is killing me.
Does anyone have a baby Aspirin? Oh, enough with the whining already.
Why don't you just have some more coffee? It's all gone.
I didn't get a chance to try them all because creed poured my Bogota Sunrise in the plant.
I saw the leaves twitch.
- Shut up.
- You shut up! Everybody shut up and work.
- We don't work for you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
It's 5:00.
- Kevin, can-- - What is going on? Yes! We did it! You opened the door.
And you closed it.
The boys are back in town.
High fives! Ha ha! Hey, so all that really specific cat turd business-- that was about you, right? You got me! - I used to collect 'em.
- Why? Each one is very different, like a snowflake.
Hey.
What happened here? You left me in charge of the pens, Pam.
That's what happened.
The pens happened.
Are the pens here?