The Ranch (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Sittin' on the Fence

1 - [crickets chirping] - [country music playing on radio] [Drake barking] - All right.
I think I found the problem.
- What is it? - This truck is a piece of shit.
- [chuckles] I mean, the alternator's shot.
Ignition coil's all worn.
This fan belt's made out of what appears to be duct tape and the belt from a silk robe.
Jesus, man, the only thing that works is this.
[grunts] - Sweet, huh? [chuckles] - Yeah, it's almost as sweet as this.
Come on, man.
This ain't too bad.
Just workin' on our truck after a long day of herdin' cattle.
[grunting] Oh, shit.
Eric Church writes songs about guys like us.
[both chuckle] Two guys drinkin' beer Workin' on a truck One's handsome as hell And the other is ugly as fuck Come on, Colt, you're not that ugly.
[chuckles] Oh, I got one.
Your girlfriend won't Break up with her fiancé Might as well give it up And just go gay [Colt chuckles] Man, she's gonna break up with him.
It's just a matter of time.
Yeah, sure she is.
Ah, you know, even if I was into dudes, I'd still be getting laid more than you.
Probably be dating John Elway right now.
John Elway's not gay.
Not yet.
What is up, Mary? Hi, baby.
[sighs] What are you doing with this piece of shit? Mmm.
Trying to get it to run.
Oh, no, I was talking about your brother.
Hey, Mary.
Look, I'm sorry about everything with Heather.
How's she doin'? She's doing great.
She just lost 200 pounds of worthless loser.
[chuckles] I'm 192, but whatever.
That's a good joke.
You ready to go? Yeah, I'm gonna go inside and wash up.
Got grease all over my hands from workin' on the truck.
- You know, some badass man stuff.
- [chuckles] Yeah, you can be a real badass man on the back of your girlfriend's bike.
[chuckles] You ought to braid her hair while you're back there.
- I don't mind having Rooster behind me.
- Hey-yo.
[Mary chuckles] So, it's - Winter's comin' - Why don't you go fuck yourself, asshole? Suds and bubbles.
Suds and bubbles Lots of fun.
Lots of fun Clean away the dirt now Clean away the dirt now Germs are done.
Germs are done I got a song for you.
Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up - Oh, hey, Beau.
- Hey, Mary.
Wow, TV dinner? What are you the opposite of celebrating? Not that bad.
It's got all your major food groups.
Got the yellows, got the greens brown, black Oh, God, what's the black? I think it's the tray.
But it tastes better than the yellow, so I'm eatin' it.
Oh, honey, you can't eat this.
Why don't you come to the Cracker Barrel with us? You can use my discount.
I know, but it won't be just Rooster.
I'll be there, too.
Thanks, Mary, but I'm gonna pass.
Well, we tried.
Dad, would you please come to dinner? I can't think of nothin' more enjoyable than havin' a romantic dinner with my girlfriend and my angry dad.
Come on, is this about Maggie? Rooster said you've hardly even left the ranch since she took off.
Oh, he did, did he? Oh, that's funny you remember that part, but you forgot the part where I said, "Don't tell my dad I told you this.
" You doin' all right? Well, my wife of 40 years left me, but I still got Colt and Rooster here to remind me of all the mistakes we made.
[chuckles] Believe you wrote that in my 12th birthday card.
All right, come on.
Dinner'll be fun.
Home-style cookin'.
You don't have to do the dishes, and you don't have to eat the dishes.
She's not gonna take no for an answer.
She can be very persuasive.
[chuckles] Well, that probably doesn't apply to you.
Okay, maybe I'll get lucky and choke on a biscuit.
[Rooster chuckles] Hey, if you want, I can drive your truck for ya.
Rooster said you're having trouble seeing at night.
Shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up [theme song playing] What are you doing? I'm, uh, takin' this iced tea on a little trip to Long Island.
Rooster, this is a family restaurant.
Share with your family.
[chuckles] Hi, I'm Joanne, I'll be your [laughs] - [chuckles] - [Joanne] Mary.
Well, this is gonna save some time.
You tell 'em the specials.
I'm gonna go get high in the bathroom.
- [Mary chuckles] - Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom, too.
Joanne, this is my boyfriend, Rooster, - and his father, Beau.
- Pleasure.
- Pleasure to meet you, ma'am.
- Well, where's shithead? Oh, that's, um, that's what I call Colt.
- I knew who she meant.
- [chuckles] It's a pleasure to meet you, Beau, Rooster.
Hey, I was gonna call you.
Can you take my shift on Saturday? I'm going huntin'.
Oh, you're a hunter.
What are you goin' after? Deer, elk, my ex-husband.
- [laughs] - Whatever comes on my property first.
- I know what I'm hopin' for.
- [Mary laughs] What are you all havin'? I'd like the chicken fried steak, fried okra and fried apples, please.
That's a lot of fried food.
That a problem? Hey, I don't care if you drop dead, so long as you tip me first.
[Rooster and Mary chuckle] I'll have the chicken and dumplings.
You're my chicken and dumplings.
Joanne, you can have him.
- Pass.
- [Mary giggles] - All right, now I'm havin' fun.
- [Mary giggles] I, too, will have a chicken fried steak, please.
- Great, I'll put it in.
- Thank you.
Oh, my God, I just had the best idea.
- Joanne is single.
And you - No.
Oh, come on.
Just a dinner.
Not interested.
Oh, fine.
If you want to be alone and miserable.
- That's when he's happiest.
- [Mary chuckles] That's right.
I can entertain myself.
Look, an elephant.
All I'm sayin' is John Elway's smart, he's handsome, he's in just excellent shape.
I could do a lot worse.
Dude, you are not getting with number seven, John Elway.
Okay? You're not even gettin' with Peyton Manning.
I mean, maybe Eli Manning.
Yeah, whatever, man, you couldn't even get with Cooper Manning.
[chuckles] Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah, because if Cooper Manning's on Tinder and he sees the Rooster, he's gonna swipe left.
Eh, I don't think so.
I always liked Terry Bradshaw.
- Bucky, you got my order? - Hey, Ab.
Hey, Colt.
- Abby, let me ask you a question.
- [Abby] Mmm? You think I can get with Cooper Manning? What? No! Maybe Archie Manning.
Oh! [laughs] Oh, okay, so I can get with the patriarch of the greatest QB dynasty in football history.
Good insult, dummy.
Hey, Ab, can I talk to you? Sure.
[smacks lips] What's new with you, Hank? I'm gonna try goin' gluten-free.
Wow, man, you're gonna give up beer, huh? I don't think I know what gluten is.
- You look cute.
- [chuckles] Thanks.
And? You look cute, too? - Aw, thank you.
- [chuckles] So, uh, did you get the flours I left over on your porch? No, there wasn't any, uh Wait, you're not talkin' about those two bags of flour? Oh.
You got 'em.
[chuckles] Why'd you do that? Oh, okay, so, I'm at the grocery store, right? And I walk in, and I see a dozen roses and I think, "Oh, man, I should get these for Abby.
" And, well I mean, they were the nice ones, too.
They were like $9.
Then I think, "What if Kenny sees 'em?" Right? So, I'm walkin' around and I'm like, "What do I get her?" And then it hits me.
Well, then I got two of 'em, so there's an "S.
" Flours.
[chuckles] Oh, my God, that is the lamest thing I've ever heard.
[chuckles] Oh, yeah, it's so lame that you're smilin'.
You liked my flours.
[chuckles] You know that flour doesn't have a plural.
It's just flour.
I didn't get you flour.
I got you flours.
[chuckles] No.
I'm sayin' - You know what? Thank you.
- Yeah.
Oh, hey, speaking of breaking up with Kenny, did you do it yet? Not yet.
I mean, his mom's been in town.
She's stayin' with me.
She taught me the family recipe for chicken cacciatore.
Did she teach you how to make the chicken parmesan? - No, why? - 'Cause it's awesome.
- [both chuckle] - Hey.
You still wanna do this, right? Absolutely.
It's just, it's hard.
It's a matter of timing.
Yeah, no.
Yeah, I get it.
It's no problem.
But, like, soon? Like, once his mom leaves.
- Soon.
- Great.
When? - Goodbye, Colt.
- [chuckles] Oh.
How you doin', John? [chuckles] Swipe right.
[chuckles] Dude, that smells amazin'.
Hell, yeah, it does.
That's why I wear this apron.
[Colt laughs] Yeah.
[smacks lips] It's a little salty.
Oh, wait.
[smacks lips] Nope, my hand's just sweaty.
Yeah, yeah, just leave the cookin' to me.
Yeah, well, listen, I know what I'm talkin' about.
I've eaten all over the world.
Been to every country in Epcot.
Dude, get your sweaty hands off my meat.
[both laughing] I didn't know it when I said that, but now you think about it - Yeah, no, you came around.
- It's kinda gross.
Get the fuck out of my kitchen.
Hey, why you got four steaks and only three place settings? 'Cause Mary's coming over for dinner and you're eatin' in your room.
- Why? - Uh, because Mary hates you, and 'cause Dad hates you, and 'cause I'm not really a big fan.
Ah, whatever.
You know what? When I cook dinner for Abby, you ain't invited.
[chuckles] Oh, yeah.
When you cook for Abby and Kenny and their 17 kids? Oh, man, she's gonna break up with him.
[stammers] She is, man.
She loved the flours I got for her.
Cost me less than five bucks.
Five bucks? What kind of flowers did you get? Unbleached.
Listen, they've been together for five years.
It's complicated.
Plus, Kenny's mom's in town.
They're swapping chicken recipes and shit.
- Oh, yeah? Chicken parm? - [sighs] Workin' on it.
Well, she said it wasn't the right time.
So Oh, honey.
Why are the pretty ones always so dumb? Did you just call me honey? I did.
And then I called you dumb.
Yeah, but you also called me pretty.
- You remind me of Sarah Roberts.
- Who's that? The side piece I used to keep around when I was datin' Jenny Winslow, just in case things with me and Jenny didn't work out.
I used to call her Little Caesars, 'cause she was always hot and ready.
Also, she worked at Little Caesars, so Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You think I'm Abby's Little Caesars? Man, I'm just sayin'.
It's easier to string somebody along than it is to break up an engagement, you know? - But she said she was going to do it.
- I know, honey.
I know.
- Hey, somethin' smells delicious.
- Oh, ho, hey, Mary.
- Oh, hey, Joanne.
- Hey, Rooster, good to see you again.
- [Rooster] Good to see you, too.
- Shithead, what's goin' on? I'm sorry, have we met? Uh, will you excuse us for one second? Can I talk to you? - Yeah.
- Okay.
[clears throat] Hey, look.
I don't know what Mary said about me That you're a shithead.
Hey, that's not fair.
I'm also, like, really good at football.
What's Joanne doin' here? You heard my dad.
Yeah, but he said the same thing about Cracker Barrel, and he enjoyed that.
No, he didn't.
He doesn't enjoy anything.
Except maybe The Rockford Files.
Oh, please.
I think he is open to a lot more things than y'all give him credit for.
[Beau shouts] Who in the hell parked a Chevy in my driveway? She drives a Chevy? I cannot protect you.
That's my Silverado.
I saw your beat-up old Ford out there.
[chuckling] It's so cute.
You could put your truck in the back of my truck.
It could go for a ride.
That's funny, Joanne.
Why are you here? Wait, you didn't know she was comin' over? Oh, hell, yeah.
I I hope this is okay.
Of course.
I love having people over.
Yay! Rooster, what do you say we go fire up the grill? [chuckles] That's a great idea, Daddy.
I want an open casket.
So, uh, Joanne, you got a daughter I could date? [chuckles] This was not my idea, okay? Mary just brought her.
I mean, women, right? [chuckles nervously] Why would she even try to set me up like this? I'm still married.
I know.
I don't know Women, right? Look, Dad, don't look at it as a setup, okay? Look at it like Mary just brought a friend over.
I mean, Joanne seems like a very nice person.
Son, the woman drives a Chevy.
Yeah, that's a negative.
But let's look at the positives, okay? She hates Colt.
Look, can't we just go in there and have a good time? Come on, Dad, let me see you smile.
Is your mustache just too heavy? [indistinct chatter] - Hey, Abby.
We need to talk.
- Colt, now is really not a good time.
Yeah, you know why? 'Cause you're still datin' Kenny.
You know when it will be a good time? When you're datin' Colt.
- I know what you're saying, but - No buts.
I was talking to Rooster [stammers] Oh, my God.
Is that Kenny's beer? I'm your Little Caesars.
I don't know what that means, but I can't do this right now.
You know what? I am your Little Caesars, 'cause I'm all hot and ready, and you're just wasting this.
You know who wouldn't waste this? John Elway.
- Are you drunk? - [stammers] Legally? Yeah, probably.
Get up for a second, this guy tries to steal my fiancée.
[all chuckle] You got a great sense of humor, Kenny.
Just hold on to that.
Hey, I'm gonna get another beer.
You want the same or somethin' different? Oh, that's a great question, Abby.
I'm just I'm just saying, you want the same beer you've been havin' the whole time, or you wanna follow your heart and have a beer with a better body? To be honest, right now, the same old thing sounds pretty good.
Yeah, I don't know, sweetie.
I like the sound of that better body beer.
[chuckling] Listen to this guy.
[stammers] He's makin' a lot of sense.
You know what, Kenny [stammers] I don't feel great.
I think I'd rather go home.
Okay, yeah, sure.
I can stay here and bro down with Colt.
Actually, why don't you come home with me? Sorry, dude.
Future wife.
[imitates whip cracking] [chuckles] I mean, I'm metaphorically whipped.
We don't do weird stuff in the bedroom.
- Kenny, stop talking.
- Yeah, sorry.
Look, you You know, I get it.
It's no problem.
[stammers] I heard that your mom's in town.
If If you need somebody to give her a ride to the airport, so you guys can I don't know, talk about somethin' important, I I'm available.
Wow, thanks.
Uh, she's got the flu and she's gonna stay for a few more days.
Son of a bitch.
- Dinner's ready.
- Well, you've been out there a while.
Either you're avoiding us, or those steaks are overcooked.
Steaks are rare.
So, Beau, you know, uh, Joanne used to be a rancher.
- Really? - Yep, my whole life.
Then one day my husband decided he wanted to sell.
We got some pretty decent money for it, but we needed something to fill our time, so I got a job at the Cracker Barrel and Roger got herpes from a 27-year-old flight attendant.
[chuckles] Herpes, huh? Top or bottom? Not important.
What kind of a rancher sells his ranch? - You're better off without him.
- Oh, well, I'll drink to that.
Course, I'll drink to just about anything.
[chuckles] Hey, I'll drink to that.
So, uh, Beau, I hear you're recently separated.
- I'm not sure where you heard that - Mary.
I usually don't talk about my personal life with strangers.
Well, now, that is true.
First time he came into Cracker Barrel, I asked him if he was allergic to anything.
He said, "Yeah.
Small talk.
" [all laugh] I get it.
Tough guy.
Doesn't need help from anybody.
Watches too many bad John Wayne movies.
Did you just say "bad John Wayne movies"? The man had one look.
You can hardly call that acting.
If it's the right look you don't need more than one.
So, Joanne, um, you like The Rockford Files? - Hate 'em.
- Oh, shit.
So, uh, Joanne, you still going huntin' this weekend? - Oh, you bet.
- [Rooster] Oh, that's cool.
We love huntin'.
You see that buck Dad shot, down there? Yeah, what'd you bring that down with, Beau? Winchester, model 70.
- That gun is like a son to me.
- [Rooster chuckles] I'm proud to call that rifle a brother, Daddy.
[Mary chuckles] Yeah, I guess I pictured you on foot with a bow, not sitting up in some cozy stand, picking 'em off from a quarter mile away.
That's funny.
I pictured you eatin' dinner somewhere else tonight.
You say your wife left you.
Can't imagine why.
So Colt's a real shithead, isn't he? [country music playing on radio] [Colt] What's up? - How was dinner? - [chuckles] Joanne told Dad he wasn't a real hunter, and then she started talkin' shit about John Wayne.
- Whoa.
- How was your night? Oh, well, seems Kenny's mom's got the flu Selfish bitch.
[sighs] I think you're right.
I think Abby's got me on hold.
What you gonna do? I don't know.
Best thing's probably just avoid each other for a while.
Let things cool off.
That's what I would do.
- It's gonna be tough, though.
- Why's that? 'Cause Abby's coming down the drive.
Godspeed, Little Caesars.
What the hell was that, Colt? Hey, Abby.
You need help buryin' the body, let me know.
- Shut up, Rooster.
- All right, good talk.
Where do you get off saying those things in front of Kenny? Oh, what's the worst thing that's gonna happen? He's gonna find out you're gonna break up with him, get pissed and dump you? [scoffs] Winner, winner, chicken parm dinner.
The world doesn't revolve around you, Colt.
I'll do it when I'm ready.
Really? When's that gonna be? After you have beers with him at my mom's bar? I mean, you got a new excuse every time.
What's next? [stammers] "Wait till I get married to him, and then I'll break up with him"? It's not that easy, okay? When you've been datin' someone this long, your lives get intertwined.
I mean, I'm a bridesmaid in his sister's wedding.
We have his corporate retreat.
We're on the same cell phone plan.
I'm eligible for a new iPhone in a month! Those are all excuses! Why is this so hard for you? Huh? You didn't have any problem breaking up with me.
It took about 30 seconds.
That was high school.
But you know what, I don't expect you to understand.
I mean, you haven't even been in an adult relationship.
Abby, I'm trying to be in one right now, except it doesn't seem like you want that.
- You just don't get it.
- No, I think I get it just fine! You told me you wanted to be with me and you were gonna break up with him.
Except neither one of those things has happened.
It's either you're too scared to do it, or you were never gonna do it in the first place.
I'm not gonna let you bully me into this, Colt.
Nah, you know what, fuck it.
You just You go do what you want.
Really? "Fuck it"? Fuck you.
[vehicle approaching] Hey, Beau.
Oh, good, you stopped by unannounced again.
[chuckles] You know how to fix a Ford, right? You buy a Chevy.
Oh, it still works.
Here, lay down in front of it, I'll show you.
What are you doin' here, Joanne? Well, I could've handled myself better at dinner.
And we never made it to dessert, so I baked you an apple pie.
Feel free to say you were an ass, too.
- Let me taste the pie first.
- Fair enough.
What's the whiskey for? Oh, I like good whiskey.
Yours is all cheap.
Oh, I have good whiskey.
I only serve it to people I like.
[chuckles] This is good pie.
- And so is the whiskey.
- I know.
I took half of Roger's money and all of his booze.
You know, I suppose I do owe you an apology for last night.
I'm not a big fan of people comin' into my house, 'cause you gotta say stupid things like, "Can I get you anything?" By the way, Joanne, can I get you anything? I know how you feel.
For a while there, I hated everybody, too.
But what are you gonna do? Hide from everyone until you die alone? That's the plan.
Come on.
You can't mean that.
Don't you want to live to see your grandchildren? Little Roosters? Little Shitheads? I thought you was trying to give me reasons to live.
[Joanne chuckles] You know, I've been where you are, Beau.
After my divorce, I went to Laughlin and I played Keno and drank whiskey for about four months straight.
I spent so much time being mad that I couldn't see how much better off I was.
And if I wasted so much time when I was with Roger, I was not gonna waste any more time without him.
Not when there's things to do, and pie to eat and John Wayne movies to avoid.
What made you realize all that? I swear to God I'm sittin' at the bar, and I'm playin' video poker, and I suddenly hear this low, strange sound.
And I look over, and the woman next to me has keeled over and died, facedown in a bowl of crab legs.
And I decide two things.
Live every day like it's your last and stay the fuck away from the crab legs.
[chuckles] Well, if today was my last day, there are worse ways to spend it than eating pie and drinking whiskey.
Course, talking to someone kinda ruins it.
[Joanne chuckles] [sighs] Don't close every door, Beau.
There's still good people in this world.
And when you find a connection that works, gotta take advantage of it.
Even if they are cantankerous old bastards.
Or uninvited guests.
- Can I ask you somethin'? - Sure.
You seem like such a nice woman.
Why in the world would you drive a Chevy? [knocking on door] Oh, shit.
Who's that? My wife.
[country music playing]