The Ranch (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Let's Fall to Pieces Together

- Hey, Beau.
- What're you doing here, Maggie? I'm sorry to interrupt, but can we talk? I have nothing to say to you.
Who's your friend? None of your business.
Really? We're still married.
Still married? Is that why you took off in the middle of the night and I didn't hear from you for three weeks? You don't get to come back here and start asking questions.
Beau, I just thought I'd come here and Ah, I've got nothing to say to you.
You can't just ignore me.
Oh, yeah? Watch me.
Beau! So, I'm Joanne.
Of our first snowstorm.
Dude.
Check this out! Oh, shit, that's a big snowstorm heading our way.
No, I'm talking about the weather girl.
There's a low-pressure system coming in my pants.
Yeah, that's Tanya Showers.
Saw her at a Chili's once.
I gave her a great line.
Walked up to her, and I was like, "You got a 100% chance of a Rooster front moving in on you right now.
" What'd she say? What'd she say? She was like, "Yeah? This is my boyfriend, he's a defenseman for the Colorado Avalanche.
" Oh.
Words were exchanged, we agreed to go our separate ways and I finished my nachos in the car.
Hey, you hear back from Abby? Nope.
She ain't gonna hear from me either, man.
She don't wanna break up with Kenny, then that's it, man, it's done and done.
There you go.
That's how you break up with your imaginary girlfriend.
Hey, Dad, you see this storm? Looks pretty crazy.
Of course I saw it.
You would, too, if you just looked to the north.
I've been checking cows.
What have you been doing all morning? All morning? The sun's only been up for like five minutes.
I guess all sons are lazy.
That was a pretty good one there, Dad.
Yeah, you're coming in strong with that one.
You wanna see the weather? Get your asses outside.
Stop looking at the TV and get out there and do something.
Is that Tanya Showers? Yep.
If I had my way, she'd be Tanya Bennett.
Yeah, 'cause of me.
Yeah, 'cause I'm sure she's wondering, "What happened to that guy who pissed himself in the Chili's?" I saw her at AutoZone the other day.
Woman changes her own oil.
Gotta respect that.
Want us to put some antifreeze in the tractor? Yeah, and then head into town and pick up some snow fence.
Ma'am.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
Got a text.
From Mom.
"Back in town.
Can't wait to see you.
" Oh, yeah, I got the same text.
She texted me first.
Guess I'm the favorite son.
Dude, I've been the favorite since before you were born.
Oh, really? If she liked you so much, why'd she have more kids? Pretty sure she asks herself that question every day.
Hey, after work, we'll swing by the bar and see what's up.
Yeah, it'll be good to catch up with her.
- I wanna hear where she went.
- Yeah, and what she did.
Plus, now she's back Free beer.
Oh! Hey, Dad, you hear Mom's back? Yeah, I heard.
Really? When? When she stopped by here last night.
Wait.
She stopped by? What'd she say? She said we needed to talk.
I disagreed.
Dad, if you ignore her, she ain't just gonna go away.
You prove that point every day.
- Hey, Mom.
- Momma! Hey, boys! All right! First hug, favorite son.
Oh, I don't love you more, Jameson, you know that.
Oh, hear that? That means she loves me more.
No, it doesn't.
Guess that leaves me.
Nice try, Hank.
Well, I suppose that's what I get for opening my heart.
Man, it is good to see you, Mom.
Yeah, we missed you.
You boys want a beer? Oh, you guys sell beer here? Yeah, sure, I'll take one.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Yeah.
That'll be six bucks.
You kidding? You're gonna charge us? That's child abuse.
Maria said, since I left, you've been paying.
I like it.
Damn it, Maria! All right, you know what? We gotta pay, we gotta pay.
Hey, Momma, can I borrow six bucks? I missed you boys.
Missed you too.
Hey, I know it's none of my business, but what's going on with you and Dad? Oh, it's complicated.
That's what people say when they don't wanna tell you.
Good, you get it.
Look, Mom, we were just worried about you.
That's all.
Well, I appreciate that.
Didn't think I needed to leave a babysitter for my grown-ass sons while I was getting my shit together.
Okay, I know she's joking, but how cool would it be to have a babysitter? So, did your dad say anything about me being back? Yeah.
"It's complicated.
" Oh.
Hey, Heather.
How I'm gonna go talk to her.
Man, if getting the middle finger means "come talk to me," I have missed out on a lot of opportunities talking to ladies.
All right, so what's the deal between your dad and this Joanne? Look, snitches get stitches.
You want info, it's gonna cost you.
Cheeseburger, medium-rare, hold the onions, hold the bill.
Deal.
So, Joanne? No idea.
Side of cheddar fries, please.
Colt's my favorite.
- Hey.
- Hey, Colt.
Oh, I saw someone keyed your truck.
Tough break.
We didn't drive here.
Wait, really? - Yeah.
- Shit.
So, what do you want? I'm really sorry.
Okay.
Thanks.
Bye.
I was an idiot.
Colt, that's not true.
An idiot has no idea what he's doing.
You're an asshole, dickhead, piece of shit.
Okay, that's No Yeah, all right.
God, you wanna know what sucks, Colt? Is we were having a ton of fun together and now we can't do that.
I know, I know.
And it's my fault.
You were right.
I was hung up on a girl from 15 years ago, who's engaged to another guy.
And I know you probably hate me but I just I want you to know that I know I'm pathetic.
To be fair, you aren't the only one who was pathetic.
I was hung up on a guy who was still hung up on his high school girlfriend.
Guess that makes you the real loser, huh? I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Okay.
So.
I'll go.
Colt, hold on.
Look, your brother's dating my mom.
We both go to the only bar in town.
At least we can Be friends? Yeah.
You want a beer? Yeah, that'd be great.
I'll just get a couple.
All right, who keyed "Fuck Colt" on my truck? Hey.
What you doing out here? It's freezing.
Well, not that you'd know, but when you work hard, sometimes you get hot.
I don't need to work hard, I'm naturally hot.
Where's your brother? I'll give you two guesses.
- The bar.
- Correct.
Did you get some more snow fence today? No, I did not, 'cause everybody is sold out.
You need to man up figure this thing out with Mom.
What did you just say to me? I said that, uh, earlier, Colt said you needed to man up and, uh, figure it out with Mom 'cause she wants to talk.
That's great.
I wish Tanya Showers was sitting across from me instead of you.
I guess we're both shit out of luck.
You're just gonna never talk to Mom again? What goes on between your mother and I is none of your business.
Yeah, it is my business.
'Cause you're my dad, she's my mom.
When she left, you asked me, "Why'd she go?" "What did I do wrong?" Now she's finally back and you won't even bother to find out? That's fucked up, Dad.
Go talk to her.
Well - Okay.
- Oh.
That just happened.
I'm guessing that ain't what you had in mind when you keyed "Fuck Colt" on to Hank's truck.
Yeah, this was probably a mistake.
I promised myself I'd never touch you again.
Yeah, I promised myself that all through high school.
Never worked.
Hey, I I didn't think that we were gonna hook up.
I really did just wanna apologize.
I mean, if I had my life to live all over again, I'd definitely do this.
But you know, it would last longer.
Do you regret this? I don't know.
Right now? No.
Later, when my mom asks me where I was? Probably.
Oh, yeah, your mom.
She scares me.
Please don't tell her.
- You wanna do it again? - Seriously? Well, yeah.
If we wait too long, it becomes two separate mistakes, but if we do it now, it's the same mistake.
Yeah, that works for me.
Oh, look who's here.
Would you like a drink or should I just go fuck myself? Let's hear what you've got to say.
Hmm.
Not much for small talk, are you? Okay.
How about that snowstorm coming in? Read any good books lately? Why in the fuck did you take off? I probably should keep this handy.
I shouldn't have left like that.
I panicked 'cause I thought moving in with you might be a horrible mistake.
So far, great apology.
I didn't know how to tell you.
So I ran.
I'm not saying it's fair or rational, but that's what I did.
I just started driving.
Next thing I know, I'm ordering two beef and cheddars and a Jamocha shake at Arby's in Utah.
I skipped the part where I smoked a joint in the parking lot.
You know what I did? Sat on the porch all night wondering how after 40 years of marriage, the only thing you can do is leave me a fucking note.
I skipped the part where I burned all your shit in a barrel.
I knew you'd be upset.
But I had to get away from you and that ranch and this bar and everything else.
I needed to go someplace where I could figure out what I wanted to do with my life.
And that place was Arby's? I finally get to Big Sur.
And it's really beautiful there.
So I built this campfire 'cause I couldn't find my winter jacket.
Burned it in the barrel.
Okay.
So I'm sitting there enjoying this beautiful sunset and everything is perfect except for one thing.
You weren't there to watch it with me.
What's your point, Maggie? My point is I want you in my life, but I don't wanna spend my whole life in this town.
- So come with me.
- What? I've been thinking about it.
We can have the best of both worlds.
We travel for a month, we come back here for a month.
Don't you wanna hike in the Grand Canyon or see Niagara Falls or have some great coffee in Portland? You're trying to sell me on this with Portland? All right.
Mount Rushmore, then.
I'll go to Mount Rushmore when they put Ronald Reagan on it.
I mean, what's the point of working for 50 years if you never take any time off? What are we doing here, Maggie? I'm not asking for just me.
I'm asking for you.
You need this.
We need this.
So won't you please just think about it? I'm not sure there is anything you can say to change my mind.
You won't have to put up with Colt and Rooster anymore.
I'm listening.
Hey.
- Can I ask your opinion on something? - No.
Stop, okay? If this has anything to do with you leaving the bar with Heather, I don't wanna hear about it.
'Cause as of right now, my girlfriend calls me and says, "Did my daughter sleep with that asshole again?" I can say, "Honestly, I got no idea.
" Yeah, that's smart.
You can't get in trouble if you don't know Heather and I hooked up.
Mmm-hmm.
Twice.
Damn it, Colt! Oh, man, I got brain freeze.
Dude, your dick is ruining my life.
Well, I didn't plan on it.
It just happened.
Oh, yeah? You plan on Abby coming by? Plan on what? Shit, what is she doing here? She probably came over to hang out with Heather.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Abby.
This is, uh What you doing? I am so glad to see you right now.
Can we talk? Yeah.
Let's go outside.
- Good luck.
- Fuck! - Oh! - All right.
So, let's just, uh, talk over here in this - Okay.
- Yeah, well, I'll just stand right here.
- How about that? - All right.
Uh, what's going on? I did it.
You did what? I broke up with Kenny tonight.
Oh, shit.
Are you serious? I didn't think this was gonna happen.
No, I know, I know, I'm sorry.
I just I was waiting for the right time.
Kenny was on the phone tonight and he was doing this thing that he always does, flicking his Von Miller bobblehead.
He just kept flicking it and flicking it and flicking it.
All I could think of was "Do I really wanna spend the rest of my life with him?" I looked over at Von Miller and he was like Kenny hung up the phone, and I just blurted out, "I wanna break up with you.
" And then he said, "That was my mom, she says hi.
" Damn.
I know.
I I felt terrible.
I just I can't believe how great this is.
Oh, you should go home and update your relationship status on Facebook.
Go home? What do you mean? I thought you would be happy.
Oh, I am.
Oh, I'm thrilled.
It's just I mean, but it's so much excitement, so late at night, I'm Ooh, I'm tired.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm great.
I've never been better.
You ought to go, though.
But, like, now.
Colt? - Heather.
- Abby.
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
No.
No, no, no, I can explain everything.
I didn't know this was gonna happen.
- You're an asshole.
- Heather Abby, I honestly, I didn't Fuck you, Colt.
Abby.
Abby.
Abby.
All right, that's the rest of the salt.
Can I go now? Where you going in such a hurry? You know there's a storm coming in.
Look, Abby was stringing me along, so I hooked up with Heather and then Abby found out and now she won't return my texts, so I need to go talk to her.
I didn't say I cared.
I'm not going anywhere, Daddy.
I don't leave till all the work is done.
Are you just saying that 'cause you know all the work's done? It is? Well, then I suppose I'll call it a day.
Hello, Joanne.
Hey, Beau.
Hey, Rooster.
- Hello, Joanne.
- Good to see you.
Or did your Chevy just break down passing by? That's cute.
No, I had some snow fence in storage, so I thought maybe you all could use it.
That's very nice of you.
Rooster was just looking for some more work to do.
Why don't you go unload that and move it into the barn? You kidding? I got a beer inside with my name on it.
I literally have to put my name on the beer.
Otherwise, Colt's gonna drink 'em all.
In my house, a young man wouldn't talk back when his father asked him to do something.
I like her.
Remember, earlier, when we were making fun of Colt? That's what this family's about, okay? Don't you let her divide us.
I'm sorry about the other night.
Oh, you mean when you stormed off and I had to introduce myself to a lady who thought I was trying to steal her husband? Yeah, that wasn't awkward at all.
So, uh, how'd it go? You you two getting back together? Thanks for the snow fence, Joanne.
I'm sorry you can't stay.
I got nowhere else to be.
Quickest way back to town? Take the 145 to the 62 north.
You know, you can keep it all bottled up, but your friends are just gonna ask you if you're okay with her leaving and you're gonna say, "I'm fine.
" And then they're gonna keep checking in and you're gonna say, "Oh, nothing's wrong.
" And then one day, you'll be at the Safeway buying a frozen pizza and some Crystal Light, you go out and a little Girl Scout's gonna say, "Wanna buy some cookies?" and you're gonna say, "Mind your own business, you nosey little bitch!" So I'm gonna ask you again, Beau how'd it go? Mind your own business.
You know the rest.
She wants to get back together and travel.
When was the last time you traveled? Vietnam.
She wants me to leave the ranch and go to places like Portland.
Portland? That's just a city full of people who couldn't make it in Seattle.
She says we're only gonna travel part-time but I get the sense if it was up to her we'd never come back here again.
Well, say that was the case.
I mean, it's either her or the ranch.
Which one would be harder to live without? I've lived without her before.
Wasn't very good.
Never lived without the ranch.
From where I'm sitting one thing's for sure.
Between her and the ranch, there's only one thing that loves you back.
That's true.
Of course, the ranch never called me a stubborn, old jackass.
Maybe it'd be great.
Just sitting on a beach, sipping on a Mai Tai.
Okay, you really don't know Portland.
What do you want? I'm really sorry.
Are you sorry that I saw her? Or that you slept with her? Yes.
We were broken up.
I mean we weren't even broken up, we were never together.
I didn't think this was gonna happen.
- How could you not know? - How could I not know? I asked you if you were gonna break up with Kenny and you said, "fuck you.
" That's not how the conversation went and you know it.
Oh, okay, well, I didn't cheat on you, 'cause technically I don't give a shit about "technically.
" All I care about is how this feels.
I told you that I was gonna break up with Kenny.
I was ending a five-year relationship with a guy that I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with.
And you couldn't trust me or be patient just a little while? What's wrong with you? All I can say is that I'm really sorry.
I didn't think that you wanted me.
Well, I did.
Then you just fucked it up like you always do.
I know, I fucked it up.
I fuck up everything.
Just like how I fucked up things with you the first time, and I fucked up my relationship with my dad, and school, and football.
That's what I do.
I fuck things up.
It's probably easier to count the things I ain't fucked up.
Hang on, you don't get to sleep with your ex-girlfriend and then come over here and feel sorry for yourself.
Why do you keep doing this? I don't know! I Maybe it's easier to fuck things up than to try and fail? 'Cause then everyone just knows you ain't good enough.
So you're scared.
I mean, I'm scared, too.
But I can't be with someone who's gonna run away - every time things get hard.
- I don't wanna run from you.
You're the only one I wanna be with.
You always have been.
Why do you think, after 15 years, it's like nothing ever changed? You're the only reason I'm still in Garrison.
I would've left after two days if it wasn't for you.
Just please, please, just give me another chance.
I don't know, Colt, I don't know.
Maybe we're cursed.
I The first time we met, you broke my nose in fourth grade dodgeball.
Remember? How could I forget? The ball bounced off your face and then Dennis Harvey caught it and I was out.
Look, I promise I will not screw this up.
That's easy to say.
I'll prove it.
I hope you do.
Well, this is a change.
I'm finishing working and you're sitting on the porch drinking.
Now I get why this bothers you.
Now I get why you enjoy it.
Well, I got all that fence in the barn.
In the barn? Thought you were gonna put it up.
What? I thought we were doing that tomorrow.
All right, I'll do it now.
Oh, you're messing with me, huh? Get why you enjoy that, too.
Hey, Mom.
- Hey.
- Want a whiskey? - Sure.
- All right.
That'll be five bucks.
Jameson, I gave birth to you on the floor of a fire station with no painkillers whatsoever.
Fine.
$4.
Well, it's nice to see you both.
Mom, Dad was actually just saying he can't wait to share his feelings with you.
Payback's a bitch, old man.
You got a dent in your left-front fender.
Yeah.
You know how in the California Redwoods they have that tree that you can drive through? You get a little too close? No, I got through it just fine.
Hit a Prius on the other side.
Well worth the dent.
I was so mad at you.
More angry than I can remember being.
I wanted to walk into that bar, and look you in the eye and tell you to go straight to hell.
Well, I suppose I may have had that coming.
But the second I saw you I remembered 40 years ago when I fell for the prettiest girl I'd ever seen.
Forty years? That can't be right.
I'm only 39.
I can't change who I am, Maggie.
You've found all this stuff you're passionate about and that's great.
But the truth is I'm happy here.
But don't you see, Beau? I'm passionate about us, too.
I'm just trying to find a compromise.
Can't you meet me halfway? I could say yes to that.
And a big part of me wants to.
But we both know, after a couple of days on the road, all I'd be thinking about is what's going on back here.
That's not fair to you or to me.
No, it's not.
You know I can't remember a time when we had a conversation that wasn't about trying to make this work.
You think it's time that we stopped this dance? Yes, I think it is.
I want you to know I wouldn't change a thing about our marriage.
Neither would I.
You always did say how much you enjoyed the first snowfall.
Yeah, and you always did say what a pain in the ass it would be, come morning.
I love you, Beau.
I love you, too, Mags.