The Ranch (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - I've Come to Expect It from You

1 - What the hell's wrong with you? - No, I'm just saying.
They do weird shit with Mrs.
They shouldn't have shaped her bottle like that.
I hate to hear what you do to donuts.
Well there's Dad.
Wonder how many cows he inseminated today.
Don't know.
Don't care.
He wants to take away all the important jobs, treat me like a hired hand? I'm just gonna kick back, get paid and drink beer.
Hell yeah.
Just like me when I played for Florida State.
I'd say, "We should go in there" and shave off his mustache while he's asleep," but it'd probably just grow back before he wakes up.
Look at him in there.
Washing dishes by hand.
[imitating Beau] "Don't trust the dishwasher to do a good enough job.
" Ain't got enough experience washing dishes.
" We don't have a dishwasher.
What the fuck have I been putting all them dirty dishes in? I'm just kidding, I know we ain't got one.
Even if we did, he'd probably curse out the Koreans for making the buttons too small for his big, fat American fingers.
[imitating Beau] "What the hell is extra rinse? Why not just rinse 'em right the first time, Kim Jong?" [Colt chuckles] Hey, you wanna head down to the bar? No, I gotta take a shower.
Taking Abby out on our first date tonight.
- Ooh, all right.
- What are you doing? Going down to the bar.
Depending on how the night goes, I'm either gonna hang out with Mary or Mrs.
And in a perfect world, both.
You put that snow fence back up? Oh, did you say "put it up"? We thought you said "fuck it up," so we did that.
Yeah, we also moved that feed trough to where you wanted it.
Did the whole job and did it correctly.
Like responsible, intelligent adults, so [blows raspberry] I know you're still bent out of shape about me taking over the insemination.
It might make you feel better if you just get the fuck over it.
[blows raspberry] Hey, remember how pissed Dad got when I put that Hillary bumper sticker on his tractor? Well, now I'm gonna put one on his coffin.
Oh, Mrs.
[sighs] I'm sorry about my brother.
Oh, God.
I hope you're sticky from syrup.
- [Abby chuckles] - Here we go.
- [Abby] Yeah, uh - You know where we are? Well, it smells good, so I'm guessing it's not your bedroom.
[chuckles] Hey, I use Febreze.
Yes, you do.
By the way, it's not a body spray.
Yeah, and Copenhagen ain't a breath mint, but when you're in a jam, you're in a jam.
[laughs] [sighs] All right.
- All right.
- Okay.
Where do you think we are? - Hmm.
- Oh, this is awesome.
- You're never gonna get it.
- Laundromat? Are you fucking kidding me? [laughing] Did you peek? Of course I peeked.
I'm a woman in a blindfold being put into a truck.
[Colt chuckles] Well, it ain't just a Laundromat.
This is a special place from our history.
Okay, a candlelit picnic in a Laundromat.
I'm just gonna say this, and I'm not mad but I think this might be an inside joke between you and a different girl.
No, this is where we had our first date.
No, it was at Rick's Arcade City.
This is Rick's! Well, I mean, at least, it was.
Rick had to sell it after that incident with the Cub Scouts.
Oh, my God! Yes, I forgot that they redid it.
- [chuckles] Yeah.
- [sighs] - We played skee ball - Yeah.
For hours until we'd get enough tickets to get one of those crazy giant sunglasses.
All right, you mean, uh these? [gasps] - [chuckles] - How did you get those? I bought 'em at the 99 cent store.
[laughs] Oh, my God! Yeah, it turns out we could've gone there all along.
[chuckles] Hey, uh, remember outside, the go-kart track they had? Yeah, you put me into the wall on turn three and I busted my lip.
[chuckles] Whatever.
Rubbin's Racin'.
Remember you come around that last lap and passed me with a mouthful of blood? That's when I knew we were meant to be.
[chuckles] How did you arrange all this? [smacks lips] Remember Cooper Wynn, my tight end? Wait, was he the guy that peed in the Gatorade bucket before dumping it on the coach's head? No, that was me.
No, Cooper's the one I framed for it.
[chuckles] He bought this place with the money he got from the settlement after the coach hit him.
And he helped me set all this up.
All right, Colt.
This might be the fumes from the bleach talking, but this is so sweet.
[Colt chuckles] Hmm, someone's excited.
Oh no.
Just a roll of quarters.
[chuckles] [smacks lips] You know in case we get naked and have to do some laundry.
[chuckling] [Maggie sighs] - Hey, Rooster.
- Hey, Ma.
What's the strongest thing you got in this place? Oh, probably the oven cleaner.
Add some orange juice and some grenadine.
We'll call it a "Rooster sunrise.
" Make it two.
All right, what'd your dad do? Well, he could have visited more.
Not you, Hank.
So, is the insemination not going well? Again, not you, Hank.
I wouldn't know.
He took the job away from us.
Decided to do it himself.
- What? Why? - Why? 'Cause he thinks he's the best at everything.
It's like why he grabs the communion out of the priest's hands.
He's like, "No, no.
I got this.
" Son of a bitch.
I thought for once he'd actually listen to me.
Only way he's gonna listen to you is if you said, "Ronald Reagan told me John Wayne said, 'Give them boys a shot.
'" I can't believe it.
It's shit like this that's making me divorce your father.
Yeah, trust me, I'm done with him, too.
Wish there was a way to get the fuck out of there.
I just don't know how or where to go, you know? It's like that Halloween I woke up naked in a corn maze.
I know you're frustrated, but you're gonna figure something out.
The Rooster I know is ambitious and driven.
You used to make and sell your own beef jerky.
[chuckles] That's what kept me alive in that corn maze.
You used to grow and sell your own weed.
[chuckles] That's how I ended up naked in that corn maze.
The point is you can't give up on yourself.
There's a whole world of opportunities.
Yeah, you're probably right.
Hey, maybe I can come down here and work with you? Oh, honey, I could never trust you around all this alcohol.
[Colt sighs] - [Colt chuckles] - Mmm.
Hmm, is it just me or are we better at this than we were in high school? [chuckles] - [chuckles] Well, I know you are.
- Oh.
- I've always been awesome.
- [chuckles] - Truth.
- Hmm.
[kisses] Did you know we'd get back together? - Never had a doubt.
- Aw.
What about you? Think we'd get back together? No.
And I promised, like, six friends that I never would.
[Colt chuckles] Fuck them bitches.
[both chuckle] - I haven't even told them yet.
- Mmm.
- You know, it's still early.
- Hmm.
The rodeo in town.
You wanna go? I'm not really a big fan.
- What? Are you kidding? - Mmm.
They have beer, bulls, and burgers.
Little kids chasing around greased pigs.
You don't like that, you don't like America.
It's just the way they treat the animals.
What? Roping 'em, and tying 'em up and riding 'em? Well, that's my plan for the weekend.
[both chuckle] [Colt] Mmm.
All right you want to see a movie? - Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
- Great.
Johnny Knoxville's got this new one out.
[laughs] It looks so stupid.
I can't wait to see it.
Mmm, okay.
Yeah, maybe.
Or Alfonso Cuarón made a movie about how there's no more music.
Mmm, that sounds good.
Does this Alfonso guy shit in a tuba or something? No.
It's a bleak portrait of a dystopian society.
Does anyone get hit in the balls? You know what might be better? Anything.
What if we just stay in and entertain each other? Ooh.
- I like that idea.
- Hmm.
Well, maybe I should entertain you first.
If it's the other way around, I might fall asleep on your thigh again.
[both chuckle] [vehicle approaching] What the fuck is your problem, Beau? Looks like one just rolled up.
Those boys wanted to prove themselves to you, and you wouldn't even let them.
I should've known they'd go down to the bar and cry to you about it.
That's not what happened.
They went down to the bar because they drink too much.
And then we bonded over the fact that you're such an asshole.
You looked me right in the eye and told me you'd give them a shot.
They had their shot.
And after you and I talked, I was gonna give them another one.
Then, later that night, I heard them arguing about which pet would be the "most awesomest," the cheetah-bear or the shark-dog.
I started thinking about this last year.
How it got so bad we needed a bank loan.
Couldn't even get it approved.
I'm not gonna risk going through that again.
None of that was their fault.
I need to pay attention to things here that I can control.
Maybe they had bad luck.
Maybe they were doing it wrong.
I don't know.
But I do know, if I do the job, it'll get done right.
I thought you might have a good reason.
But it turns out it's just more of the same shit.
Keeping this place running isn't good enough a reason for you? You have a thousand excuses.
"The boys aren't ready, maybe next year Rooster's beard spooks the heifers.
" As far as you're concerned, everyone but you is an idiot.
Well, I can't argue with that.
Well, I didn't come here to argue.
I came here to tell you, I'm done.
I'm sick of waiting for you to change.
You won't change for me, and you're not gonna change for those boys.
It's the divorce papers and I already signed them.
I threw in a few contingencies that I'm sure you'll hate, which makes me feel better.
You know one day you're going to finish up in the pasture and come back to this porch and realize you are all by yourself.
Sounds good.
Where do I sign up for that? [engine starting] [laughs] Okay, that was a lot of fun.
But the next time you want me to change positions, you can't just yell out, "Omaha, Omaha!" Hey, you turned and caught it.
[chuckles] Well, I gotta call a time out, 'cause I got work to do.
- Really? - Yeah.
What you got to do? I am subbing for an English class this week and they're reading A Tale of Two Cities.
I haven't read it in years, so I need to brush up.
- All right.
- [sighs] Listen, you do whatever you got to do.
- [chuckles] - I just wanna hang out with you.
So - Oh, that's sweet.
Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.
[sighs] What are you doing? Nothing.
Just hanging out.
[chuckling] No, you're watching me read.
Hey, you're good at it, too.
You ain't moving your lips or nothing.
[chuckles] Okay, you know what? You read, I'll just watch TV or something.
How about that? I don't have a TV.
What? I don't have a TV.
Were you robbed? No.
I just never watched and it was taking up space, so I got rid of it.
Okay, I know what all them words mean separately, but that [chuckles] Okay, fine.
You know what, you're reading uh I'll read something, too.
Omaha! Omaha! What, you don't think I read? I think you can read.
Oh, come on.
I love reading.
It's fundamental.
- All right, what you got here? - [chuckles] Three Musketeers.
Why would they write a book about a candy bar? What? No, I'm kidding.
[chuckles] I know it's based on a movie.
Or we could, uh, just have sex and I could read this later.
No, come on.
This is something we could do together.
It'll be fun.
Okay, sure, um I have another copy of A Tale of Two Cities.
There perfect.
Here you go.
[clears throat] Oh, that Maybe we should start with A Tale of One City.
[chuckles] Colt, seriously, you don't have to do this.
- It'll be fun.
- [chuckles] - Oh.
- [chuckles] Yeah.
- All right, here we go.
- All right, here we go.
[reading] "To my dear wife, Catherine.
" - [scoffs] That was easy.
- [both chuckle] See? It's fun.
All right, next.
[sighs] "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
" What the fuck does that mean? Oh, shit, is there a spider? What? No.
Why you holding that book? I'm reading it.
Why? Is the TV broke? No, man, I love to read.
Since when? You have a meltdown if the menu doesn't have pictures of the food on it.
[sighing] I'm doing it for Abby.
We're both reading it.
And I gotta tell you, it sucks.
At least for me.
She's sitting there, smiling, flipping pages, making notes, which I totally don't get.
Unless she's writing a suicide note 'cause she's forced to read this shit.
[chuckles] Meanwhile, all I'm doing is sitting there thinking, "I wonder if this guy got made fun of 'cause his last name's Dickens.
" "Hey, Charles, what'd you stick your Dick-ins?" [chuckles] That's a good one.
Hey, you know how they say, uh, "You got your face in a book?" Well, you got a Dick-ins your face.
- So then, why are you reading it? - Oh.
- Abby loves to read.
- Mmm.
I thought it was something we could do together.
You know she don't even own a TV? That is fucked up.
I don't know.
It got me to thinking, like how much do we actually have in common? I mean, we can't just have sex all the time.
What the hell's wrong with you? That book put that in your head? Yeah.
Howdy, boys.
- Hey, Dale.
What's the good word? - Hey, Dale.
I've been regular for three days straight.
Okay, I meant more of, like, "Why are you here?" But that's cool, too.
Well, I dropped in to check on that bunch of heifers, and your dad made five out of eight pregnant.
- Well, good for you.
- Awesome.
It's not about me, it's about all of us.
About the ranch.
Yeah, okay.
Whatever you say.
Well, I'm gonna swing by Mary's on the way to the bar.
See you guys later.
I'm going to Abby's.
See you, Dale.
Dale, good luck on day four.
What the hell's wrong with them? They're mad 'cause I was right about taking this job away from them.
They don't see the bigger picture.
You got time to stay for a whiskey? No, can't do it.
Charlene and I got a movie night.
Which reminds me - What are you doing? - Oh, I'm turning these hearing aids down.
Charlene always picks them romantic comedies.
This way, I can pretend the characters are talking about fishing.
[door closes] Colt, what are you doing? [chuckles] Hey, surprise! I got you a TV.
Now we can binge watch Ice Road Truckers.
What? Oh, it's from the producers of Ax Men and Deadliest Catch.
I mean, I know what all those words mean separately, but Well, I just I figured, if we were reading books together, something you like to do we could do something I like to do.
Hence, the TV.
- Hence? - Yeah.
I read it in that Tale of a Couple Cities.
Hence, the use of "hence.
" [chuckles] Colt 'Twas a bad idea? I I wanna do things with you, too.
But I really don't want a TV.
[stammers] What are we gonna do? 'Cause you don't wanna go to the rodeo, and we can't agree on a movie.
Now, I tried to read that book, and I gotta tell you, it 'twas the worst of times.
I never asked you to read it.
I mean, where is this coming from? I don't know.
Uh You know, I'm a guy who gets off of work, and comes home, and cracks a beer and watches TV.
Yeah, and you're a teacher, who gets off of work, and has a glass of white wine and reads Dickens.
And see, and the fact that you don't laugh when I say "Dick-ins" just means we're total opposites.
Oh, please.
I mean, I've heard every Dickens joke there is.
Wait until we get to Longfellow, or Moby Dick.
It's about a giant sperm whale.
All right, now you're just fucking with me.
Look, I'm just I'm afraid that me being me ain't gonna mix with you being you, and then you're just gonna get bored of me.
Why would I get bored with you? 'Cause we got nothing in common.
Except for great sex.
Oh, Colt, that is not true.
I mean, I'm interested in more than just sex with you.
[chuckles] I mean, you make me laugh.
You're spontaneous.
I mean, that Laundromat thing was so sweet.
And no one's ever done anything like that for me.
So we have different interests.
I mean, who cares? We're a dichotomy, but we're symbiotic.
Okay, them words, I don't even know what they mean separately.
[chuckles] Point is, it's okay.
I mean, I can teach you big words - and - [chuckles] you can teach me who the weak side linebacker is for the Broncos.
[chuckles] I'm kidding, it's DeMarcus Ware, but that's not the point.
You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself.
I don't care if you ever read a book for the rest of your life.
That is the greatest gift you could ever possibly give me.
[chuckles] I just don't want you to blow up your whole life to be with me, and then realize you made, like, a [grunts] big mistake.
It's not a mistake.
You're the one for me.
And you can keep the TV.
You can put it in the guest room or something.
You can watch your Deadliest Ax Man.
That that ain't a show.
But if it was, I'd binge watch the shit out of it.
Hey, Joanne.
Hey, Beau.
Smells like something's burning.
Yeah, that must be your Chevy's transmission.
- [chuckles] - Come on in.
Can I get you a drink? Well, I wouldn't mind a glass of wine.
- Whiskey it is.
- [chuckles] I gotta say, I'm surprised you called.
Truth be told, I misdialed.
Damn Koreans make those cell phone buttons too small.
You really know how to make a girl feel special.
Where's Colt and Rooster? Far away from me as they can get.
- I thought about going there.
[chuckles] - Yeah.
Why'd they go? Well, I told them they could inseminate the herd, - and then I took it away from 'em.
- Oh.
Now, they won't stop whining about it.
They ought to be grateful.
I've given them more than anybody ever gave me.
Oh, yeah? You, uh, buy this ranch yourself, did ya? All right.
I can probably rustle you up a to-go box.
Did you know I have a daughter? I don't think you've ever mentioned her.
And if Colt and Rooster are around - you should never mention her.
- [chuckles] When she was in her 20s, she was dating this guy who was a real piece of work.
He was in a Meat Loaf cover band.
He was the drummer.
He wasn't even Meat Loaf.
They used to stay out all hours drinking, doing God knows what else.
And then, one day, she threatened to elope.
And I told her that guy was nothing but trouble and if she married that deadbeat she would never be welcome in my house again.
So she did and she wasn't.
Yeah, sometimes they don't listen.
Three years later, she divorced his cheating ass.
Who fucks the drummer in a Meat Loaf cover band? So, you were right.
Yeah, but our relationship never recovered.
I crossed a line with her and she still hasn't forgiven me.
Yeah, that's too bad.
But, still, it's on her.
[sighs] I also have a granddaughter.
She just turned six.
Her name's Nicole.
Well, that's great.
I've never met her.
So sometimes, being right isn't the most important thing.
I appreciate that.
Thanks, Joanne.
Well, I hope it helps.
'Cause I know, underneath all that anger and mustache, there's a heart in there.
That what you think? Well, you wouldn't have invited me over if there wasn't.
What can I say? I enjoy your company.
- [chuckles] - You're welcome here anytime.
Suppose this would be a bad time to tell you we're having meat loaf.
- I'm just kidding.
- [chuckles] I'm gonna go put the steaks on.
I like mine with A1 sauce.
- Get out of here.
- [laughs] [shivers] Hey.
Oh, good.
You got my text.
Uh Yes.
I am not just here to drink.
What's up? - So, listen - [sighs] I know things have been getting worse and worse with your dad.
So, I called Ed Bishop.
[Rooster] Okay.
Why do I want to talk to Ed Bishop? Because he may say something you want to hear.
- Like what? - Well [sighs] for starters, he'll probably say, "Drinks are on me.
" I'll talk to Ed.
All right, I'll see what he's got to say.
Make it two beers, please.
One of these is for Ed, right? Uh, three beers, please.
[exhales heavily] Hey, Ed.
Hi, Rooster.
Still screwing them cows? [chuckles] I thought it was sheep.
[chuckles] So, you admit it.
[chuckles] [sighing] So what's new? Been spending all my time at the old McConnell ranch.
Some Hollywood dipshit bought it.
Let his eight-year-old rename it.
Now it's [imitates child] "My Little Pony Ranch.
" [chuckles] That's pretty badass for an eight-year-old.
The guy doesn't know the first thing about ranching.
Called his tractor "the diggin' thingy.
" [Rooster laughs] Must be the same guy I ran into at the feed shop.
He asked me where the, uh, closest charging station was for his Tesla.
[chuckles] What'd you tell him? - California.
- [chuckles] Unfortunately, that wannabe cowboy is my responsibility.
He's overgrazing his land.
And he's not even cross-checking his breeds.
Well, he's just gotta move the cows around, you know, turn the ground over, re-seed it.
Then he should sell some of them heifers and bring in some new bulls.
See, that's what we need.
Someone like you who knows what they're talking about.
What do you say to working for us? You serious? You're a great rancher, Rooster.
Always have been.
If your daddy can't see it, that's on him.
We'd love to have you.
The ranch is already staffed up.
You'd be in charge of the whole operation.
Oh, I'm I'm not trying to get in between you and your dad.
I'm sorry if I overstepped my bounds.
No, I I wanna keep talking about this.
Let me go grab a couple whiskeys.
You want something, too? [country music playing]