The Ranch (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Leavin's Been Comin' (For a Long, Long Time)

- Hey.
- What's up? You got there scrambled eggs, huh? Well, they started off over easy and then I started thinking about Dad.
[banging] Told him about the job, did you? - What'd he say? - [sighs] He said, and I quote [chuckles] That's pretty bad.
Hang on.
I'm not done.
Damn.
I'm sure he didn't mean that last part.
He spends years telling me I'm not good enough to run a ranch, then somebody wants to give me a shot and all of a sudden I'm the asshole? Yeah, that's messed up.
You've always been an asshole.
Exactly.
Dad calling me an asshole is like pot calling the kettle an asshole.
- Hey, Dad.
- [sighs] Hey, morning, Dad.
Hustle it up.
We've got cows to feed.
[Colt] Yep.
You guys need help? Oh, Dad, stop before you don't say something you're gonna regret.
You don't work here anymore.
Yeah, I know, but I got two weeks 'til my new job starts, so I can still help.
Why don't you use that time to find someplace else to live? What? You don't work here, you don't live here.
Let's get going.
Dad, uh you can't just kick him out.
Colt, you know what? Don't worry about it.
You don't want me here? Fine.
I'm leaving right now.
Oh, come on, dude.
Come on.
Well, apparently, I'm not welcome here anymore.
What're you No one's welcome here.
So what? Good luck, man.
You're gonna need it.
What're you doing? You don't like it, you can go with him.
Where're you go What is everyone doing? Why can't this just be like every other day where we all just hate each other? Fuck! [theme music playing] [country music playing] - Hey, babe.
- Hey.
Weren't you that guy who used to be a really good football player? [chuckles] Holy shit! You're that Colt Bennett? [chuckles] - Here you go.
- [Colt] Hey, Mom.
Hey, you, uh, hear from Rooster? No, why? Oh, he told Dad about that Neumann Hill job.
- Dad kicked him out the house.
- What? Oh, God.
Is he okay? Where'd he go? I don't know.
He texted me.
He's he's with Berto.
I don't know what they did, but apparently his balls went to McDonald's.
[groans] Oh! Why did I even look? But he should really get that mole checked.
[both] It's a birthmark.
Well, apparently, they're on their way over here.
Oh, I think it's the best thing that could have happened to him.
Mom, he's homeless.
Trust me, that's no fun.
When I got cut from that team in Canada, I lived in my car for three months.
Women do not respond well to, "Hey, let's take this party back to my Kia Sorento.
" Well, it's kind of sad.
I mean, your dad's driven everyone away except the dog.
Oh, I don't know.
I've been watching Drake when we're in the truck.
I swear he's studying how to work a stick shift.
I'm saying that I love you, but not in a sexual way.
Unless of course, you know, we're stranded on a desert island, in which case I mean, I could do worse.
Oh, you could do no better.
Regardless, I would like to stop talking about it.
Oh, look, other people.
- Hey, Colt.
- What's up? Mom, Abby.
[all chuckle] I love you guys.
[chuckles] Love you, too, Rooster.
Wait, is this finally happening? Berto, you're out.
How you doing, honey? Great.
Been drinking for four straight hours.
I feel no pain.
I've been drinking for four straight years.
I can't feel my legs.
[clears throat] So, wait.
You've been drinking all day? That's all you've been doing? No, no, no.
I stopped once to puke in a bucket.
Yeah, it's too bad that bucket belonged to a Salvation Army Santa.
Yeah.
Hey, I told Mom about what happened with Dad.
- Hmm.
- Look, Rooster, it might be hard to see at this moment, but I think it's a good thing for you to get away from your dad, you know.
It's a chance for you to be your own man and show the world what you've got.
Kind of like a kid going off to college at 35.
Yeah, I'm with you, Mom.
Neumann's Hill is gonna pay me more money, give me a better place to work, and give me two weeks of vacation before I start.
I could do anything.
Shit, I could drive all the way to Denver, keep on going to, uh What's past Denver? Is that New York? That's bullshit.
You don't know what's on the other side of Denver, but to become a citizen, I have to know President Garfield's middle name? Good one, dude.
Garfield's a cat.
His middle name is lasagna.
All right.
Figured you didn't wanna go home, so I stopped by and picked up some of your shit.
- Threw it in the back of my truck.
- Thanks, dude.
No, you didn't let me finish.
[chuckling] I hit a curve, going real fast.
All your shit flew out into Copper Creek, so I tried to fish out what I could, and Well, all I got was this.
My toothbrush is red.
Your new one's blue.
Rooster, where're you gonna stay? Mmm I'm hoping some place between buzzed and shit-faced.
Don't worry, Rooster.
You can stay with me in my Airstream.
Oh, thanks, Mom.
I'm probably just gonna crash at Mary's.
Thank God.
- Maggie.
- Hey, Beau.
- What're you doing? - I'm taking shit.
I figured since we're getting divorced, I'd just come and see if there was anything I wanted that you don't care about.
But it turns out, you don't care about anything including our son.
Oh, I see what this is about.
We got this on our honeymoon.
Do you like it? No.
Great.
I'll leave it right here, where you have to look at it every day.
I didn't kick Rooster out.
He quit.
His family's ranch wasn't good enough for him.
He's just taking the option that's available to him.
If you want to be mad at someone, you should be mad at me.
Are you under the impression that I'm not? Rooster wasn't going anywhere here, so I called Ed Bishop to see if he could use a good rancher.
Wait, you set this up? That's right.
I just wish I'd done it sooner.
Oh, you've made this divorce a whole lot easier.
[sighs] I'll sign these papers, then you can get the hell out of my house.
[scoffs] "Get the hell out of my house.
" You know you ought to put that on your welcome mat.
Ooh, the welcome mat.
Oh, I'll get it on the way out.
What the hell? You want the hunting cabin and the land around it? That's right.
[chuckles] I care about this ranch, too, and I want a little piece of it.
I also want it in writing, that when you die, the boys get the ranch.
You can have the cabin.
I'm leaving the ranch to Colt.
[scoffs] Really? After you die, Colt will just give half to Rooster anyway.
I don't care what happens after I die.
He gave up on this place.
I'm not giving it back to him.
Oh, good, Beau.
At least you have your pride.
Yeah, my pride and this lovely candy dish.
[Spanish music playing on stereo] [singing in Spanish] - [in English] Oh, what a song.
- Yeah.
[chuckles] This guy falls in love with a woman.
For their ninth anniversary he buys her a little kitty-cat, and she just cries with joy.
Oh, no, uh, Colt.
This song is about a man who murdered his wife and his best friend, and is about to be put to death.
Really? Yes.
[softly] Oh.
So when I played in Barcelona and the fans were cheering, "Mata al nueve" They weren't saying, "We love number nine"? No.
They were saying, "Kill number nine.
" [chuckles] No wonder I couldn't keep a girlfriend.
I kept telling them I was gonna murder them.
[chuckles] - Exactly.
- Fuck.
[groans] Man, this is fucked up.
I'm going home, and Rooster ain't even gonna be there.
[sighs] Yeah, I feel so bad for Rooster.
Stuck in a house with beautiful blonde women.
[scoffs] I have to share a one bedroom apartment with my two cousins.
The toilet is practically in the kitchen.
Yeah, they say you shouldn't shit where you eat but we must.
You make good money at Neumann's Hill.
Why don't you just get your own place? Oh, I send most of my money to my family back home.
Yeah, I get it.
When I was down in Orlando, I sent my dad a commemorative SeaWorld fishing rod.
Wrapped.
I think he appreciated it.
Yeah.
Same thing.
Seriously, though, that's one hell of a sacrifice.
Not really.
It's my family.
My family's my life.
I'd do anything for my family.
When I was a kid Rooster tried to take the last biscuit.
I stabbed his hand with a fork.
Kinda makes me feel like a bit of an asshole.
Ah, don't be so hard on yourself.
I'd kill a man for a Cinnabon.
How'd that fence look? - [truck door closes] - The fence is fine.
Get those limbs off? Yep.
[grunts] Think we're missing a cow, though.
Before you ask yes, I double-checked.
[sniffs] And, yes, I know how to count.
And, no, I did not use my fingers and toes.
What do you mean we're missing a cow? Uh, how do I put this? There's a giant brown and white creature it was there yesterday.
It ain't there today.
I don't know how it got out.
I didn't see any breaks in the fence.
I don't think a mountain lion got it 'cause I didn't see any carcasses, so Damn it.
How do you lose a cow? Oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
First first of all, I did not lose a cow.
I noticed the cow was lost.
And it happens all the time.
How many cows have you lost over the years? I bet if I tied a beer can to its ass, you wouldn't have lost it.
Okay, first of all, that's a great idea.
[chuckles] And second [sighs] I know you ain't mad at me about a cow.
You're just lashing out 'cause of Rooster.
You made a mistake throwing him out.
First off, I disagree.
And secondly, you're wrong.
Dad as long as I can remember Rooster stood by your side.
You're partners.
You're like Batman and Robin.
You're like Terrell Davis and John Elway.
Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers.
You guys are islands in a stream.
That is what you are.
Are you done? Dad, I know you feel betrayed.
But he's not just your employee.
He's your son.
He's family.
And family's everything.
That's right.
He's my son.
I taught him everything he knows.
And my thanks? He takes off because I didn't put him in charge fast enough.
Dad, I'm not saying that Rooster's right.
I'm just saying you should talk to him.
That's all.
[stammers] I knew you were gonna say that.
[chuckles] Hey, got you a can of dip.
Thank you.
You owe me six bucks.
This is great.
I didn't think I was gonna get to see you tonight.
- Thank you.
- [chuckles] - Ooh.
- [chuckles] That was great.
You got a beer? [chuckles] How was school? Make any kids cry today? No, it sucked.
- Tomorrow's a new day.
- [chuckles] How are you? Ah, did the work of two guys today.
I lost a cow.
Saw a cloud that looked like a butt, though.
How's it going without Rooster? It sucks.
Mmm-hmm.
I don't know.
He made things fun.
[stammers] You ever play horse with a shovel full of cow shit and a bucket on the other side of the barn? Oh.
[chuckles] It's awesome.
But then you do it by yourself, and you're just playing with shit.
I never thought about it that way.
- Or at all.
- [chuckles] Uh He's He's kind of a buffer.
You know? Now it's just me and my dad.
Day and night.
Work all day, and come home, and have dinner and watch TV together argue over the remote.
He's like a grumpy old mustached wife.
[chuckles] Aww, that could be me one day.
[smacks lips] I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Hmm, you know what you need? A teachers' lounge.
A place to get away.
A place to think.
A place to smoke the pot you confiscate from the kids.
I knew the teachers smoked it when they took my weed.
[chuckles] What if I became your teachers' lounge? I don't know what that means, but I like it.
[chuckles] No, I mean this place.
You know, when things get too much with your dad, you could come here.
You never want me to leave, huh? - I didn't say that.
- [both chuckle] But, here Think of this as your place.
That's so sweet.
Thank you.
Oh, this says, "Kenny's key.
" Oh I'll take this, and I'll give you mine.
[chuckles] Tell you what.
Next time I go to a Broncos game, I am wearing one of these things.
You know, usually I can only fit like six beers in my jeans.
But with this thing, I could fit a whole pony keg.
Hey, thanks again for watching Darlene's baby, Rooster.
Oh.
My pleasure.
You know, hanging out with babies is kind of like hanging out with drunk people.
They babble incoherently, cry till they get another bottle, and shit themselves.
Oh, and thank you I'm sorry.
I forgot your name.
Oh, it's, uh, Umberto.
And you can remember it because it's like [moaning] "Mmm, Berto.
" Hmm no thanks.
Mmm embarrassing.
Hey, Darlene, are you ready to go yet? Stupid swollen breasts, I can't find a bra that fits me Oh.
Hey.
Sorry.
I'm Darlene.
Oh, uh, no apologies necessary, Darlene.
[chuckles] I am Umberto.
It's like, uh [moaning] "Mmm, Berto.
" Hmm maybe.
[chuckles] I can't remember the last time we had a ladies night.
I do.
It was the last time you got pregnant.
- Hey, y'all.
- [Rooster] Oh, hey.
There she is.
The womb that started it all.
I thought you had the dinner shift.
Oh, yeah, I got off early.
Some guy grabbed my ass and said, "Can I get some more hot cakes, hot cakes?" So I punched him in the throat.
Manager gave him a free dessert and told me to take the rest of the night off.
America, huh? So, he grabbed your ass and he got a free dessert? Is that policy there? Trust me, it's not.
- We should get going.
- Yeah.
Oh, well [stammering] now that That Gallo and Mrs.
Gallo are here, perhaps, uh, I am free to join? Sorry, Umberto, it's [chuckles] kind of a ladies night.
How about I drive and you can get as drunk as you want? Fuck, yeah! [Rooster laughs] Hey, who's getting a new little sister? Yes, you are.
[sighs] Bye, Mom.
[both] Bye.
Hey, you know, there's no rule against just blowing a guy.
[door closes] You're a good mom.
Yeah, I like your friend.
He's cute.
Yeah, he's a good guy.
Not as cute as me though, right? Yeah, looks aren't everything.
I'm kidding.
[both chuckle] Hey, what time did you finally get up? - [sighs] - You were dead to the world when I left.
I don't know.
Must have been sometime between 10:00 and 11:00 'cause the Price is Right was still on.
[chuckles] Fucking Plinko, man.
- Still good.
- [chuckles] Good for you.
When was the last time you slept that late? Uh, besides jail? I had mono in the fifth grade.
Wait, you were in jail? Relax.
I said jail, not prison.
[chuckles] - [sighs] - You hear from your dad? Oh, yeah.
Won't stop blowing up my phone.
Texting me, "Where's my BFF? I miss you so much.
You're dead to me.
" Well, this can't be easy for him, either.
He's stuck over there with your shithead brother.
Yeah, that's true.
I mean [scoffs] I knew he'd be pissed when I took this job.
I did not see him throwing me out of my own house.
Oh, baby, nobody takes it well when you tell them you're leaving.
My husband told me, I punched him in the throat.
[chuckles] Damn, that seems to be your go-to move.
I'm surprised you haven't been in prison.
Who says I haven't? Damn.
I have never wanted you more than right now.
[chuckles] Hang on a second.
That kid watching? Oh, you have no idea what that kid has watched.
[both chuckle] Hey, Maggie.
You know, with all the lights off out there, I almost drove right by this place.
[chuckles] I guess, that would have been, uh, the second time that this old lawyer passed the bar.
[chuckles] You see? Passed the bar? Bar exam? Lawyer? [chuckles] [sighs] Can I get a beer? Yeah, sure.
Uh, $20.
What? For for a beer? Well, why not? You overcharge me.
Oh, hey, Beau.
How are you doing? How do you think I'm doing? I'm here with my soon-to-be ex-wife and a damn lawyer.
No offense, Jerry.
Nice shirt.
Oh, Eddie Bauer outlet.
[chuckles] It's reversible.
So I have all your divorce papers here.
Here you go.
I thought I made it clear that I was leaving the ranch only to Colt, not Rooster.
Beau, I know you're upset.
But I I just want Rooster to get what he deserves.
He got what he deserved.
Okay, that's why Jerry's here.
Uh, no.
Jerry is here because he bought a boat last summer.
[chuckles] Ah, never go to a boat show on acid.
Look, I'm not trying to make this more difficult.
I just think if you're not willing to leave the ranch to both boys, then we'll go to court, we'll sell the ranch and we'll split the money.
You've gotta be kidding me.
That ranch has been in this family for four generations.
You cannot be serious.
Oh, yeah.
I'm serious.
Hey.
We're closed, Hank.
Even for emergencies? See you tomorrow.
I think I went to law school with that guy.
Are we done here? 'Cause I'm not signing this.
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
[Jerry takes deep breath] Beau, I should say at this point that I think you need to find your own lawyer.
I'm gonna head back to the ranch while it's still mine to go back to.
- [sighs] - [door closes] [sighs] So, I guess you're gonna probably come into quite a bit of money.
Any interest in buying a boat? [Colt] Hey.
Hey.
About time.
I was gonna leave.
What are you doing here? Well, came by to grab some of my stuff and I saw Dad's whiskey sitting there, and I knew he'd get pissed if some of it went missing.
So, poured a big old glass, then I dumped it down the sink.
Then I poured this glass.
You know he's gonna blame me.
I know.
That's what's so funny about it.
- You want some? - What? No.
Oh, okay.
Is that a T-bone over there in the snow? Don't worry about it.
Hey, listen.
[grunts] I talked to Ed Bishop today.
[clicks tongue] He told me, I could hire whoever I want to come work on the ranch.
Well, that's awesome.
Yep.
I wanna hire you.
[scoffs] What? That ranch is five times the size of this one.
Umberto and I can't do all that work alone.
- You serious? - Yeah.
Plus, if I hire a special needs person, we get a tax break.
I appreciate you thinking of me.
Don't think I can bail on Dad like that.
You know what it's gonna be like around here? I know.
I mean, I'm the favorite.
- He kicked me out.
- I know.
Plus, you're not even that good at ranching.
All right, this is the weirdest job interview I've ever had.
[vehicle approaching] There's Dad.
Better get the hell out of here.
Why? I'm not scared of Dad.
Oh, shit, the bottle.
- [truck door closes] - Hey, Dad.
What are you doing here? Can't talk to my own brother? Sure you can.
Just not here.
All right, fine.
Well, I just came by to offer Colt a job working with me.
You can start whenever you want.
It's good to see you, Dad.
I didn't know he was coming.
Not I wouldn't do anything without talking to you first.
Do whatever you want.
- [Drake growls softly] - Dude, you better eat that thing fast.
[country music playing]