The Simpsons Episode Scripts

There's No Disgrace Like Home

Aah! Ooh! - Yeah.
Oh, yeah? - Lisa] Yeah.
Yeah! - Yeah? Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Hey, what's the problem here? We were fighting over which one of us loves you more.
You were? Aw, well, go ahead.
- you love him more.
- No, you do.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do! You better get this out of your system right now! I don't want you embarrassing me at my boss's picnic.
Mmm.
Marshmallow.
Homer! I'm tying to get the unfortunate noises out of my system while I can.
I don't want to embarrass myself at the company picnic.
Are you sure that's enough? The boss loves your delicious gelatin desserts.
Oh, Homer, Mr.
Burns just said he liked it once.
That's the only time he's ever spoken to me without using the word "bonehead.
" There it is, kids! Stately Burns Manor.
Heaven on Earth.
Okay, now look, my boss is gonna be at this picnic.
I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
- Tough choice.
- I'm picking respect.
Good to see you.
Glad you could make it.
Oh, Thank you, Mr.
Burns.
I'm so glad you invited us.
- Not me.
I had to miss little league for this.
- Quiet, Tom.
Oh, please, don't fight.
Just go out back and have a good time.
Fire that man, Smithers.
I don't want him or his unpleasant family to ruin my picnic.
He'll be gone by the tug-of-war, sir.
- Excellent.
-Uh, afternoon, Mr.
Burns.
Uh, hello, there, uh-- uh-- - Simpson, Homer.
- Here you go, sir.
Ah! Oh, yes.
Uh, oh, and this must be your lovely wife, Marge.
Oh, and look at little, uh, Lisa.
Why, she's growing like a weed.
-And this must be, uh, Brat.
- Bart.
Don't correct the man, Brat.
Oh, boss, look what we brought-- gelatin desserts.
Oh, for the love of Peter.
That's all anybody brought.
Some damn fool went around telling everyone I love that slimy goop.
Well, toss it in the pile over there.
And make yourselves at home.
Hear that, Dad? You can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.
- Now, you listen to me-- - Trouble, Simpson? No.
just congratulating the son on a fine joke about his old man.
Now remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
Hey, Bart, last one in the fountain's a rotten egg! D-oh! Be normal.
Be normal! Mmm! What an adorable little girl.
Thank you.
Why don't we dump them in the nursery and get a glass of punch? Oh, I'm not much of a drinker.
Hey, isn't that your boy there torturing the swans? Bart! Maybe I will take you up on that punch.
Gee, do you think we should leave the kids unsupervised? You're right.
There.
Bart! Lisa! - Where are you kids? D-oh! - Whoops.
- Got ya! - Careful.
Blow a gasket, lose your job.
The father/son-sack race will begin in five minutes on the north lawn.
Participation is mandatory.
Repeat, mandatory.
That is all.
- you remember the rules? - Shut my mouth, and let your boss win.
Hey! I don't know who to love more: my son, Joshua, who's captain of the football team, : Or my daughter, Amber, who got the lead in the school play.
Usually, I use their grades as a tiebreaker, but they both got straight A's this term.
- What's a mother to do? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, I sense greatness in my family.
- Your family? Well, it's a greatness that others can't see, but it's there.
And if it's not true greatness we have, we're at least average.
I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think there's a little "al-key-hol" in this punch.
- Mr.
Burns, are you ready? - Yes.
- Are you set? - Yes.
Go, Mr.
Burns.
Man, this is pathetic.
I'm goin' for it! Bart, no! No! No! No! Oh, no, wait.
Oh, no.
Bart, don't.
Don't.
No! Close one this year.
- Here we sit enjoying the shade - Hey, brother, pour on the wine - Drink the drink that I have made - Hey, brother, pour on the wine He's here at last my one and only Good-bye friends -And don't be lonely -Hey, brother, pour on the wine - Marge, I need you! - Hey, Homie, did you try the punch? Snap out of it, Marge.
You've gotta come with me.
The boss is going to make a toast.
Well, I'm not much of a drinker.
Why, you picked a perfect time to start.
Musicians, cease that infernal tootling.
"Thank you all" uh,"for coming.
" - Marge, knock it off.
- Well, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Marge! " But now it's time to say good-bye.
Please get off my property until next year.
" I suggest you don't dawdle.
The hounds will be released in ten minutes.
- Did you have a good time, son? - Yeah, thanks, Pop.
Aw, that's the kind of family unity I like to see.
Smithers.
- Yes, sir? - Get that man's name.
I predict big things for him down at the power plant.
Quick, Bart, give me a kiss.
Kiss you? But, Dad, I'm your kid.
Bart, please? Five bucks for a kiss.
I have never seen such an obvious attempt to curry my favor.
Fabulous observation, sir.
Just fabulous.
Boy, I'm glad that's over.
- Now we can go home and act normal.
- What do you mean? Aw, come on.
That cornball routine? "I love you, Daddy.
" Give me a break.
- I pity you.
- Why? - After you.
- Thank you so much.
- Me first! No, me.
Me.
Me.
- No, me.
No, me.
Me.
Me.
Honey, you look so tired.
Would you like me to drive? Oh, Homie, I think I'm going to be sick.
There was a farmer who had a dog And Bingo was his name Oh B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o and Bingo was his name, oh Homie, get in the car.
- This is where you belong.
- Yeah, Homer.
Room for one more.
One of us.
One of us.
One of us.
One of us.
B-i-n-g-o B-i-n-g-o -B-i-n-g-o The father of the family has worked all day to find this food for his children.
Unable to fend for themselves, the baby bald eaglets are dependent on their mother regurgitating food which she has found.
- Hey! - Look, everybody.
Yesterday was a real eye-opener.
We've got to do better as a family.
Tonight, we're not going to shovel food in our mouths while we stare at the TV.
We're going to eat at the dining room table like a normal family.
- Happy, Dad? - Yes.
Good.
Commence shoveling.
No.
We're going to say grace first.
Okay.
Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub.
No! Ignore the boy, Lord.
Can the chatter, and bow your heads.
Dear Lord, Thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it.
I mean, our kids are uncontrollable hellions.
Pardon my French, but the Y act like savages.
Did you see them at the picnic? Of course you did.
You're everywhere.
You're "omnivorous.
" O Lord, why did you smite me with this family? - Amen! - Let's eat.
No, I'm not done yet! But, Homer, how long are we supposed to sit here and listen to you bad-mouth us to the Man Upstairs? I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
Maybe we should move to a larger community.
- D-oh! - Don't have a cow, Dad.
The sad truth is, all families are like us.
You think so, huh? Well, there's only one way to find out.
Follow me.
Look at that, kids.
No fighting.
No yelling.
- No belching.
- The dad has his shirt on.
Look, napkins! - These people are obviously freaks.
- Oh, you think so? Well, let's see what's behind door number two.
- What are they doing? - They're having a conversation.
The Y actually enjoy talking to each other.
I wish I could hear what they're saying.
Papa, I believe I heard some rustling in the bushes.
Hmm.
I did too.
Better get the gun.
Where's he going? Probably to get the old man his pipe and slippers.
Whoa, look at this place.
What a dump! It's worse than you think.
I just trampled this poor sap's flower bed.
- Homer, this is our house.
- Aaah! - Are you coming in, Homer? - No, no.
I wanna be alone with my thought.
Fans are getting a bit anxious here.
Another beer, Moe.
What's-a matter, Homer? Bloodiest fight of the year.
You're sitting there like a thirsty bump on a log.
- Eddie.
- Evening, Moe.
- Want some pretzels? - No, thanks.
We're on duty.
- A couple beers would be nice, though.
- Two bucks, boys.
Just kidding.
Good one, Moe.
We're looking for a family of Peeping Toms who's been terrorizing the neighborhood.
Quiet, boy.
Let the nice people enjoy their beers.
Ah, don't worry.
This dog has the scent.
- What's gotten into Bobo? - I got some wieners in my pocket.
That figures.
Come on, you stupid dog.
You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me.
She said," Homer, you're a big disappointment.
" And God bless her soul, she was really on to something.
Don't blame yourself, Homer.
You got dealt a bad hand.
You got crummy little kids that nobody can control.
You can't talk that way about my kids! Or at least two of them.
- Why, you got two I haven't met? - Why, you-- - Here's five you haven't met.
- A tremendous right.
That's gotta hurt.
This fight is over! All-Star Boxing is brought to you by Dr.
Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center.
Huh? What? - Honey, aren't you going to work today? - Oh, I don't think so.
Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better till you admit it.
I admit this: You better shut your big yap.
- Oh, you shut up.
No, you shut up! - No, you shut up! - Shut up! - Why don't you both shut up? Hi, friends.
I'm Dr.
Marvin Monroe.
Does this scene look familiar? If so, I can help.
No gimmicks.
No pills.
No faddiets.
Just family bliss, or double your money back.
So call today.
Dr.
Marvin Monroe's Family Therapy Center.
Why don't you call right now? When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle.
They're on TV! All right, time for a family meeting.
Why can't we have a meeting when you're watching TV? Now look, you know and I know this family needs help, professional help.
So I've made us an appointment with Dr.
Marvin Monroe.
The fat guy on TV? You're sending us to a doctor who advertises on pro wrestling? Boxing, Lisa, boxing.
There's a world of difference.
Gee, Homer, are you sure this is the right thing to do? Honey, I've given this matter a lot of study, and of all the commercials I saw, his was the best.
- All it costs is $250.
- We don't have that kind of money.
Well, then, we're just going to have to dig deep.
- Marge, go get the kids' college fund.
- Hey! - Oh, Homer.
- Oh, come on, Marge.
Why scrimp now on the off chance that they'll actually get in some place? Forty-eight.
Forty-nine.
Fifty.
Eighty-eight dollars and fifty cents.
That's it? That's the college fund we've been saving for all these years? I guess I'd have needed a partial scholarship.
We're not licked yet.
To save this family, we're going to have to make the supreme sacrifice.
No, Dad.
Please don't pawn the TV.
Oh, come on, Dad, anything but that.
Homer, couldn't we pawn my engagement ring instead? Now, I appreciate that, honey, but we need $150 here! Afternoon, Simpson.
What can I do for ya? Would you pay $150 for this lovely Motorola? - Is it cable ready? - Ready as she'll ever be.
Mister, you got yourself a deal.
All our money, the college funds, the TV.
Homer, you're driving a stake through the hearts of those who love you.
- Hey, no pain, no gain.
- Will you be paying by cash or check? Cash, of course.
I've got $250 right here with me.
I'm holding it right now.
Here it is.
Look.
Check it out.
If you really want to impress her, show her the big, empty space where our TV used to be.
- Bart! - Come on, family.
Let's go celebrate our newfound ability to express love.
I'm taking you out for frosty chocolate milkshakes.
Yea! There go my young-girl dreams of Vassar.
Hello, I'm Dr.
Marvin Monroe.
No doubt you recognize me from TV.
- We would if we had one.
- Lisa! No, no, Homer, don't stifle the youngster.
Your family must feel free to express itself.
That's what these pads and jumbo markers are for.
I want you to draw for me your fears, your anxieties, the roots of your unhappiness.
Take a deep, cleansing breath.
And begin.
- Mm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
No surprises here.
Homer? Homer, what have you got for us? - Homer? - Sorry, I wasn't paying attention.
If you had been paying attention, perhaps you would have noticed that your family sees you as a rather stern authority figure, an ogre, if you will.
- Now, Doctor, that's not true.
- Ogre is such a strong word.
Right on, Doc! Another successful diagnosis.
- That does it! - Whoa! Okay, you wanna kill each other.
That's good.
That's healthy.
There's nothing necessarily wrong with hostile conflict.
All I ask is that you use my patented aggression therapy mallets.
- Good idea.
- All right.
- I don't know.
Okay.
Let's take another deep, cleansing breath.
These mallet things are padded with foam rubber.
What's the point? They'd work much better without the padding, Doc.
No, no.
That's not true.
- Ah! Give me that.
- See? Yes, well, that concludes this portion of our treatment.
- Are we cured yet? - Don't be ridiculous.
You will be, but it's going to require somewhat more unorthodox methods.
- Unortho-what? - Don't worry.
I'll have plenty of time to explain while I warm up the electric generator.
Everyone comfy? Good.
Now, don't touch any of those buttons in front of you for a very important reason, i.
e.
, you are wired into the rest of your family.
You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock-- -just testing.
- Why, you-- - No, Homer, not yet.
This is what is known as aversion therapy.
When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically.
And gradually you will learn not to hurt each other at all.
And won't that be wonderful, Homer? Oh, yes, Doctor.
- Whoa! - Aaah! -How could you shock your little sister? -My finger slipped.
- So did mine.
- Aaaah! Bart, Lisa, stop that.
No, no.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait! Wait! Folks, if I could-- This is not the way to get healthy! No! You don't understand, Simpsons! People, please! Boy.
Someone's really gobbling up the juice, sir.
Excellent.
Excellent.
Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the dodo.
No! No! Simpsons! - Son of a-- -Stop! - Dr.
Monroe, your other patients have fled the building.
- Stop! You're damaging the equipment.
-Nice hair, Mom.
-I thought we were making real progress.
No, I'm sorry, you're not! You've just got to go.
Wait a minute, Doc, your TV commercial said, family bliss or double our money back.
Oh, but that was just-- All right.
Get the money.
Just go, and never tell anyone you were here! Wow, 500 smackers.
Homer, how wonderful.
Our first pleasant surprise.
It's not the money, as much as the feeling that we earned it.
You did it, Dad.
Shouldn't we be heading down to the pawn shop to get our TV back? That piece of junk? Forget it.
We're gonna get a new TV.
Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays.
- Yea! - Oh, Homer, we love you.