The Simpsons Episode Scripts

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish

-So, kids, caught anything? -Not yet, sir.
-What do you use for bait? -My brother's using worms but I feel tranquility outweighs catching fish and use nothing.
-I see.
What's your name? -Bart Simpson.
Who the hell are you? I'm Dave Shutton.
I'm a reporter who's on the road a lot.
In my day, we didn't talk that way to elders.
Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.
All right! We eat tonight! Wait a minute.
One.
Two.
Three.
Leave it to old Mary Bailey to finally do something about that hideous mutation.
Mary Bailey! If I was governor -I'd find better things to do.
-Such as? Getting Washington and Lincoln's birthdays as separate holidays.
President's Day! What a rip-off! I bust my butt day in and-- -You're late.
-Someone will punch in for me.
Don't spill anything.
-Keep the mutants coming! -I'll mutant you.
Oh, man! Plain cake donuts.
Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys! Why can't I ever get here on time? Hi-ho, faceless employees.
In a few moments, the government inspection team will be here so look busy and keep quiet! That's all.
Very stirring, sir.
Here they come.
Hold me, Smithers.
Okay.
Geiger counters on.
That's normal background radiation.
You'd find it in any nuclear facility -or for that matter, hospitals.
-Sorry.
Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.
I'm as shocked as you.
-Plutonium rod used as paperweight.
-Now that shouldn't be.
Yeah, well, that's always been like that.
-Just resting my eyes! -Well done.
A rested employee is a vigilant employee.
Monitoring station unmanned.
Look here, inspector, could I speak to you privately in my office? Mr.
Burns, in 20 years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable-- Oh, look! Some careless person has left thousands of dollars just lying here on my table.
Smithers, why don't we leave and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone.
The money and a stupid man are still here.
If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to bribe me.
Is there some confusion about this? Take it! Take it, you poor schmo! Mr.
Burns! I'm gonna overlook this felony.
However, I will not overlook the 342 violations I have observed today.
Either bring this place up to code, or we'll shut it down.
Good day.
Oh, well.
A little dab of paint here, a little spackle there.
How much could it possibly cost to fix this place up? -Approximately $56 million.
-56 million?! -Don't hit me, sir.
-Oh, that I had the strength to.
Now please go.
I would be alone.
Empty.
Just resting my eyes! Holy moly! 9:30.
Hi, Marge.
Sorry I didn't call, but it's been a madhouse here! Yeah, these 12-hour days are killing me.
Echo! Mr.
Burns? Sorry, sir.
It's me, Homer Simpson.
-Is everything all right? -Working late, Simpson? -Yes, sir.
-You and I are a dying breed.
I'll share something with you.
Hop in.
Cushy! They're trying to shut us down.
They say we're contaminating the planet.
-Well, nobody's perfect.
-Can't they just get off our backs? If I was governor, I'd do things a lot differently.
You know how much it costs to run for office? -More than any honest man can afford! -I bet you could.
Don't get me wrong.
You're an honest man.
I just meant you could afford to run for governor.
I'm just rambling because you keep staring at me, but it's true.
If you were governor, you could decide what's safe.
-Where are we going, sir? -To create a new and better world.
If it's on the way, could you drop me at my house? -He's got my vote.
-Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.
Mary Bailey won't fire me if I don't vote for her.
I'm for Burns! A political discussion at our table.
I feel like a Kennedy! I don't see how that despicable man has a chance against Mary Bailey our state's most beloved governor.
Now, here's the problem as I see it.
While Bailey is beloved by all 98 percent of the voters rate you as despicable or worse.
So we got the finest campaign team money can buy.
This is your speech writer, joke writer, spin doctor makeup man and personal trainer.
Their job: to turn this Mr.
Burns, into this.
Why are my teeth showing like that? -Because you're smiling! -Excellent! This is the kind of trickery I'm paying you for.
How do we turn Joe Six-pack against Mary Bailey? With this team.
Your muckraker, character assassin -mudslinger, garbologist.
-Hello.
Their job is to turn Mary Bailey from this, into this.
Visual aids help so much.
Thanks.
But first there's a burning issue that we need to neutralize.
I hate that fish! Thank you for watching Movie for a Dreary Afternoon.
Next, a political announcement from the friends of Montgomery Burns.
-Burns? Change it.
-You do it.
I did it last week.
Fine.
Be a jerk.
We'll just sit here and watch it.
Oh, no! An election? That's when they close the bars, isn't it? Sorry, Barney.
I wonder if he'll talk about that fish.
Oh, Marge.
I bet before the papers blew this out of proportion you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.
-Thirty seconds.
-Remember to smile.
-I am smiling.
-You'll have to do better than that.
-How's this? -There you go! -I'll be sore tomorrow.
-We've done all we can.
-The rest is up to you.
-Don't worry.
When this announcement's done every Johnny Lunch-pail in this state will be eating out of my hand.
Hello, friends.
I'm Montgomery Burns, your next governor.
I'm here to talk to you about my little friend Blinky.
Many of you think he's a a hideous mutation.
That simply isn't true.
Don't take my word for it.
Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin.
-Hello.
-Hello, Charles.
Tell them about your theory of natural selection.
Glad to.
Every so often, Mother Nature changes her animals giving them bigger teeth, sharper claws, longer legs or in this case, a third eye.
If these changes are an improvement the new animals thrive and multiply and spread across the earth.
So this fish might have an advantage over other fish.
It may be a kind of super-fish.
I wouldn't mind a third eye, would you? No.
You see, friends if our antinuclear naysayers and choose-upsiders came upon an elephant next to our power plant they'd probably blame his ridiculous nose on the nuclear bogeyman.
This fish is a miracle of nature, with a taste that can't be beat.
So say what you want about me, I can take the slings and arrows.
But stop slandering poor, defenseless Blinky.
Good night and God bless.
Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote For Monty Burns Wow! Super-fish! I wish the government would get off his back.
That Burns is just what this state needs, young blood! I hope we can count on your support.
-Homer, I'm a Bailey booster.
-Oh, yeah? Well, I'm a Burns booster.
Congratulations, Mr.
Burns, the polls show you're up six points.
-Giving me a total of? -Six.
We're on our way.
My worthy opponent seems to think that the voters are gullible fools.
I'll rely on their intelligence and good judgment.
Interesting.
Good luck.
And I say taxes are too high! Have you found any dirt on Mary Bailey? -We went through her trash.
-Talked to her maid.
The only dirt we've got is from a guy who dated her at 16.
-And? -He felt her up.
Not good enough! We're gonna send a message to those bureaucrats down there in the state capital! -Is your boss governor yet? -Not yet, son.
Not yet.
-The voters see you as godlike.
-Hot dog! But the downside is you're losing touch with the common man.
-Oh, dear! Heaven forefend! -So the night before the election we want you to eat at the home of one of your workers.
I see.
Every Joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat in this godforsaken state will see me chow down with Eddie Punchclock.
The media will have a field day.
The only question is, can we find someone common enough? Well, I knew there would be sacrifices.
Great toast, Marge! Oh, by the way, the night before the election -Mr.
Burns is coming to dinner.
-What!? -And some camera crews.
-Cool, man! A media circus! -Absolutely not! -Come on, Marge! I'm ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey.
Kids, please leave.
I don't want you to see this.
Please, please, please, please! We'd like one of the children to ask a question.
Can you memorize this? "Your campaign's moving like a runaway freight train.
-Why are you so popular?" -Very good.
Can I ask him to assuage my fears that he's contaminating the planet and making it uninhabitable? -The card question's fine.
-I think her question is valid-- Don't worry.
I'm sure she'll be able to memorize it by tomorrow.
Finally, Mr.
Burns wants you to appear very affectionate to him but remember, he hates being touched.
-Marge, get back in bed.
-No, I'm fine right here.
-I just wanna snuggle.
-I don't feel like snuggling.
-What's that got to do with it? -You don't let me express myself.
You express yourself in the home you keep and the food you serve.
Okay, Homer.
Fair enough.
You got it.
All right.
Good.
That's how I'm going to express myself.
Good night.
-Well, what do we think? -Hey! Hello, handsome! Get that off his face.
We're eating with the common man, not Tyrone Power.
Latest polls are in.
It's dead even: 50-50.
This stunt will put us over the top.
He's here! Hello, Homer.
Marge, you look dazzling! And look, I've brought noodle kugel.
You bad dog! Bad neighbor dog! Here, let me help you up.
I love dogs.
Babies too.
-Kitty, kitty.
-Are you all right, Mr.
Burns? Of course.
A little roughhousing with the pets is good for the appetite.
The way you handled the pets put you over the top.
You're ahead 5 1 to 49.
Congratulations, Mr.
Governor.
-Excellent.
-Bart, would you say grace? God, we paid for all this ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
Only a child could get away with such blasphemy.
God bless them all.
Amen.
He's smokin'.
You know, Mr.
Burns, my family and I feel that taxes are too high.
Where do you stand on this controversial issue? I didn't realize this was going to turn into a charged political debate.
-I was only reading-- -I agree.
If I am elected governor I'll lower taxes whether bureaucrats in the state capital like it or not! Lisa, do you have a question for Uncle Montgomery? Yes, sir.
A very inane one.
Your campaign's moving like a runaway freight train.
-Why are you so popular? -A tough question, but a fair one.
There's no single answer.
Some voters respond to my integrity others to my incorruptibility and determination to lower taxes and the bureaucrats can put that in their pipes and smoke it! -Oh, Mom, that felt awful.
-I'm sorry.
It will all be over soon.
But we've become the tools of evil.
You're learning lessons tonight and one of them is to give your mother the benefit of the doubt.
--or even a square deal.
Smells delightful.
-All right! Three-eyed fish! -Can I have your plate? -I don't believe it! -He's blown it! Ruined before it hit the ground.
Here's your headline, "Burns Can't Swallow Own Story.
" Burns' popularity has plummeted to earth like so much half-chewed fish.
You must have a few tricks left up your sleeve.
Make coffee.
We're not licked yet.
-Yes, we are.
Come on.
-Wait! Come back! You can't do this to me! I'm Charles Montgomery Burns! -Smithers, tip over this table.
-Yes, sir.
Make them stop.
Mr.
Burns.
Shut up and wreck something! I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions will accomplish.
She's right.
Take me home, Smithers.
We'll destroy something tasteful.
Ironic.
This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes cost me the election, but if I had them killed I'd be the one to go to jail.
That's democracy.
You're poetic in defeat, sir.
Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years that your dreams will go unfulfilled.
You're busted, Dad.
My dreams will go unfulfilled? I don't like the sound of that.
That means I have nothing to hope for.
Marge, can't you make it better? When a man's biggest dreams include seconds on dessert occasional snuggling and sleeping in on weekends no one man can destroy them.
Hey, you did it!