The Simpsons Episode Scripts

Bart the Daredevil

Live from Springfield, the wrestling match of the century! -Rasputin, the Friendly Russian.
-Wasn't he the Mad Russian? History has changed wrestling, perhaps forever.
The challenger from Heidelberg, Professor Burnabon Brawn.
With a "W.
" Two titans in their prime.
This is going to be one hell of a match! I hope you're not taking this seriously.
as choreographed as ballet.
Rasputin's got the reach, but the Professor's got his coma lock.
This is gonna be one hell of a match.
Look at that showoff, kissing his own muscles.
He's spinning the Professor! That's disorienting! Hey, Milhouse, crank it up.
-That's my seat.
-Correction, was your seat.
But I only got up to go to the can.
I don't see your name on this barstool.
One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! The ref is issuing a warning to Rasputin.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
Why is this referee permitting this? This Saturday, your life will be changed forever.
Saturday, at the Springfield Speedway.
"Crusher" Woodard, "The Skunk" Trumane and the Dunk Masters in the Monster Truck Rally! Plus the amazing, unbelievable, Truck-a-saurus! Twenty tons and four stories of car-crunching, fire-breathing insanity! One night only, at the Springfield Speedway! If you miss it, you better be dead or in jail.
If you're in jail, break out! Be there! Truck-a-saurus! I have an announcement.
As a family growth thing we should go to the Monster Truck Rally this Saturday.
Aren't you forgetting something? Monster Truck Rally, growth thing, I don't think so.
Lisa's recital is Saturday.
I have my first solo.
If you miss it, start looking for a child therapist.
-But Truck-a-saurus is one night only! -Cruel fate, why do you mock me? Come on.
What time does your truck game start? -8:00, but what does it matter? -Lisa's recital starts at 5:00.
-We can go to both.
-Marge, you're a genius! Let's have good assembly manners.
People! People! Quiet, please! Don't make me flick the lights on and off.
Thank you.
Ladies, gentlemen, parents.
Welcome to the first in a series of concerts.
Series! Tonight, Sherbert's-- Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.
Good, unfinished.
This shouldn't take long.
Remember, children, stay together.
Five, six, seven, eight! -That was beautiful.
Can we go now? -Sit down, Homer.
How much longer was Sherbert planning on making this? Lisa was great.
Her fingering's come a long way.
-Thanks, Flanders.
Big know-it-all.
-When's Todd's solo, Dad? It's coming up, son.
It's coming up.
-My son, my son.
-Come on, Flanders.
He's not that bad.
-I reached him.
-Drive defensively.
-The best defense is a good offense.
-Faster, Dad.
Truck-a-saurus awaits! Damn, no spots! I think there's one over there.
-Dad? -Not now, Lisa.
Come on.
-Homer.
-What? -Truck-a-saurus! -Where? Where? Pull! Pull, you dogs! Let's see, cracked windshield, melted bumpers punctured radiator, teeth marks in the trunk.
At least there's no frame damage.
-This check should handle it.
-Thank you.
I'm Leo G.
Clark, inventor and operator of Truck-a-saurus.
Truck-a-saurus feels very badly about what happened.
We'd like you to have a half-bottle of champagne for being such good sports.
Thank you.
Everyone's so nice here, at the Monster Truck Rally.
Look, Homer, champagne! Now, Majestic Undercoating is proud to present: Ms.
Monster! Wow, a woman mud pool driver.
Another barrier broken.
Right on, sister! Let the destruction begin! Hey, they forgot my corn dogs.
-Give me some nachos, Homer-saurus.
-Here, Bart-a-saurus.
Now, we have a surprise guest.
The world's greatest daredevil.
He's no stranger to danger.
If he's not in action, he's in traction.
Captain Lance Murdock! Ladies and gentlemen, and especially little children.
I'm glad you're here to witness what may be my grisly death.
Tonight, my most dangerous stunt.
I will death defy nature and gravity by leaping over this water tank filled with great white sharks deadly electric eels, ravenous piranhas, alligators and most frightening, the king of the jungle one ferocious lion! I almost forgot.
To add a real element of danger one drop of human blood.
On the chance I don't live, let me say seat belts save lives, so buckle up! This is so cool.
Oh, I can't watch! He made it! Bitchen! He's okay, folks! What a fun-filled evening.
Ladies and gentlemen, a 10-year-old who's brave and bold! When he's not in class, he risks his ass! The greatest daredevil, Bart Simpson! Bart! Bart! Bart? Bart? We're home, son.
-Dad, I wanna be a daredevil.
-Kids say such stupid things.
-You're crazy.
-You'll never make it.
Spare me your lectures, ladies.
-Oh, no! He's hurt! -Bad! Let's get out of here! -My little boy! -Come on, Marge, we're mad at him.
-Are you all right? -Better than all right.
I got stitches! Probably a scar too.
Bart says he got hurt training for a career in death defiance? Yes, we saw a daredevil last night and monkey see, monkey do.
I know something that may discourage this behavior.
These children have been hurt doing stunts they saw on television, movies and the legitimate stage.
This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman.
His brother hit him with a wrench, mimicking a TV wrestling match.
I won't show the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.
I didn't know TV was a dangerous influence.
It's tragic, but it's a small price to pay for top-notch entertainment.
Amen! Has Dr.
Hibbert made his point? He certainly has.
I learned a real lesson.
Thanks, Dr.
Hibbert.
-I did it.
-Wow! All right! Way happening! -Awesome! -You're the king! Thank you! How about a hand for these brave animals? Hi, kids.
Thanks.
Okay, field-trippers.
Off the bus.
-What's the matter? -I'm running on empty, Milhouse.
You kids like my jumps, and I love you for it but it's too easy.
There must be a challenge worthy of me.
Hi, children.
Welcome to Springfield Gorge.
Wow! Gnarly! I bet you could toss a body in there and no one would ever find it.
Otto, I'm gonna jump Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
As the only adult here, I feel I should say something.
-What? -Cool! Hey, Otto! Can I use that microphone? Sorry, Bart-dude.
It's for emergencies only.
-I wanna tell them about my jump.
-Okay.
Attention, please.
This Saturday I'll be jumping Springfield Gorge.
There's a good chance I'll fall to my death.
Hope to see you there! Springfield Gorge! You'll be killed! I can't explain it, but I get the same thrill from jumping stuff that you do from reading.
Before you do anything, there's someone you should talk to.
Thanks for arranging this.
Anything that decreases entertainment-related injuries.
You're meeting the world's best daredevil, Lance Murdock.
This is Lisa and Bart Simpson.
Bart's one of your biggest fans.
It's an honor, Lance.
How you feeling? Doc, I heard a snap.
I'm afraid it's broken.
That's all of them.
I've broken that dozens of times.
I bet you'd like an autograph.
Nurse? -Who should I make it to? -Just Bart.
To Bart: Thanks for visiting me at Springfield General Hospital.
Your visit was a ray of sunshine on an otherwise cloudy day.
Your pal, Captain Lance Murdock.
-Wow, man! Thanks, Lance.
-You're welcome.
Take this thing.
My brother's gonna jump Springfield Gorge on a skateboard.
Could you leave me with the kids, please? Let me start by saying, good for you, son.
Good to see kids interested in danger.
People will say you're nuts.
Maybe they're right.
But the fact is: bones heal, chicks dig scars and the U.
S.
A.
has the best doctor to daredevil ratio in the world.
-But Captain Murdock-- -Thanks! You're welcome.
Tell the nurse it's my bath time.
Another fringe benefit.
Nurse! Springfield Gorge! We settled this daredevil junk! -Squealer.
-Sorry, but if you got hurt or died despite the attention I'd get, I'd miss you.
-I forbid you to jump.
-You can't.
I can and do! Go to your room! There, I did it.
I'm glad somebody stepped in and put an end to this nonsense.
You can tell me not to do it, but you can't watch me 24 hours a day.
And the minute your back is turned, I'm heading for that gorge.
He's got us.
There's nothing we can do.
He's as good as dead.
Homer, you're his father.
Reason with him.
That never works.
He's a goner.
Come on, Homer, a heart-to-heart talk with your son.
-You've got to try.
-Okay, okay.
I'll try.
-Bart? What are you doing?! -Nothing.
-You were gonna jump the gorge.
-Maybe.
Look, I know I can't stop you.
I can only ask you -to promise me you won't do it.
-Okay, I promise.
-What? -You didn't mean that! This isn't a promise I don't expect you to keep.
-lf you promise, you have to keep it.
-Why? If you don't, I'll never believe you ever again.
-Come on.
-I mean it, boy! Okay, Dad.
I promise.
I won't jump Springfield Gorge.
That's my boy.
-How did it go? -We got a pretty good kid there.
Well, he's got a pretty good father.
-Where is he? He said noon.
-He's just building suspense.
-What a showman.
-Look, there he is! Hey, boy.
Wanna toss the old--?! Why, that little liar! I should have-- And I was gonna play pickle.
Hey, what gives? I tried ordering you, punishing you, and I even tried reasoning with you.
-Now, I have to jump the gorge myself.
-What? Why? You'll see what it's like to watch a family member risk his life for no good reason! -Dad, you'll never make it.
-Don't you think I know that? -Goodbye, son.
-Wait! Don't do it! -I won't jump anymore.
I promise! -Thank God! Thank God! -I love you, Dad.
-I love you too, son.
I don't think I've ever felt as close to you as I do right-- I'm gonna make it! This is the greatest thrill of my life! I'm king of the world! Think you got guts? Try raising my kids!