The Simpsons Episode Scripts

Itchy & Scratchy & Marge

A dash of rosemary, a smidgen of thyme, a pinch of marjoram.
Marge, you make the best pork chops in the world.
They're nothing special.
The extra ingredient is care.
A sprinkle of chervil, half a teaspoon of turmeric and a whisper of MSG.
-I'm gonna build you a spice rack! -Don't go to all that trouble for me.
It's no trouble! I've got a garage full of tools.
Hey, kids! I spy Itchy and Scratchy off the port bow! -Down in front! -Shut up, boy.
They fight and bite Fight and bite and fight Fight fight fight, bite bite bite The Itchy and Scratchy Show I knew this stuff would be handy.
Let's see now, here it is.
The Complete Handyman's Bookshelf.
"Volume One: Spice Racks.
" "Pick up a hammer.
" Not as easy as I thought it was.
Wow! -Dad, can you move your head? -I can't.
It's broken.
Where would a child get the idea to attack her father with a mallet? No, Maggie! Bad baby! Keep her away! She's got that crazy look again! So television's responsible.
We were watching that.
You won't be watching any more.
Ever! But if you take them away, we'll grow up without humor and be robots.
Really? What kind of robots? I heard about the cartoons.
Tough break.
Thanks, Nelson.
What if you watch it over at my house? Hey, that's just crazy enough to work.
You heard me.
I won't be in for the rest of the week.
I told you.
My baby beat me up.
It is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
Wise guy.
I wonder why the kids are late getting home.
-How come you can watch cartoons? -Because.
-Because why? -I said so.
-You said so why? -I'm trying to work.
-What are you doing? -Cataloging the violence.
I don't think adults have ever sat down and watched them before.
What kind of warped human being would find that funny? They think this is suitable for younger, impressionable viewers? -Yeah, what are you gonna do? -I'll tell you.
I'll write a letter! Dear Purveyors of Senseless Violence: I know this may sound silly at first but the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior negatively.
Please tone down the violence in your otherwise fine programming.
Yours truly, Marge Simpson.
Take a letter.
"Dear Valued Viewer: Thank you for your interest in our program.
Enclosed is an autographed photo of America's favorite cat and mouse.
As to your comments, research shows one person can't make a difference no matter how screwy she is.
-So, let me close by saying.
" -"And the horse I rode in on"! I'll show them what one screwball can do! Everybody's looking at us, Marge.
That's what we want them to do, Homer.
How long are we gonna do this? I've never changed the world.
I don't know how long it takes.
-lf people take an interest-- -Hello, Marge! -What is "S-N-U-H"? -Snuh.
It's "Springfieldians for Nonviolence, Understanding and Helping.
" It's a crusade against cartoon violence.
I can protect my kids, but many others are being warped each afternoon.
That reminds me.
I've got to get to Milhouse's to play.
-All right.
-I'm going to Janey's.
We'll be making the most of our childhood years.
-Have fun.
-We will.
What happens when a child has insanely violent role models like these? The answer is all around you.
How many of you were hit with mallets last week? I didn't know they made TV dinners this bad.
-Can I watch cartoons? -No.
-There's peas in my cobbler.
-They're everywhere.
-I guess I'll go and watch cartoons.
-No! I'm sorry about the dinners.
-I'll make up for it.
-Who's up for cartoons? -No one! -All right.
Tomorrow, how about making your patented pork chops? Sure! Oh, dear, I can't.
I've got three protest rallies tomorrow.
Twenty million women, and I had to marry Jane Fonda.
Hi, kids! Guess what, Sideshow Mel.
-It's time for Itchy & Scratchy! -Boo! Hey! Settle down, boys and girls.
Or Krusty will bring out his friend Corporal Punishment again.
Please, stop it.
-Who are you people? -What do we want? Less violence in kid's programming! -When do we want it? -Now! They're ruining the show! Stop! Please, stop! Please, lady, be quiet! I'm trying to earn a living here, all right? Stop! That woman.
That screwball, Marge Simpson.
We've got to stop her.
How? -Drop an anvil? -Hit her with a piano? Stuff her with TNT, throw a match and run? All your degrees and that's the best you can do? You make me sick.
Less violence in children's programming! -When do we want it? -Now! Less violence in children's programming! -When do we want it? -Now! I'm so funny! Some of these are good.
I never knew mice lived such lives.
So much brutality.
I don't know if I'm having any impact.
Don't do that! Hey, don't do that! Take that, you dumb squirrel! Where do they get their ideas? What is it? What? Smartline? Yes, I've heard of your late-night panel discussion show.
I'd love to! Smartline! With our local Emmy-winning host, Kent Brockman.
I'm Kent Brockman.
Welcome to another Smartline.
Are cartoons too violent? Most people say, "No! What a stupid question!" One woman says yes.
She's here tonight.
Marge Simpson.
There she is! Also with us for this animated discussion -are Roger Myers-- -Thank you.
--Krusty, whose program brings us Itchy & Scratchy every afternoon.
Hi, Kent! And, joining us via satellite from Vienna, the home of Freud to give insight into the mind, Dr.
Marvin Monroe.
Let's see what this is about.
Here's an example of the work being made at I & S Studios.
Hilarious.
What's wrong with that? -Nothing's wrong with it.
-Excuse me! -He's asking me.
-I know.
Nothing's wrong with it.
-It's a bad influence on children.
-Give me a break! That is baloney.
And here's why: I did some research and discovered a startling thing.
There was violence in the past, before cartoons.
Fascinating.
There was the crusades.
Tremendous violence! Many killed! -It went on for 30 years.
-This was before cartoons? That's right, Kent.
So much for your viewpoint.
Dr.
Monroe, would you care to comment? To me, the high jinks of comic characters pales in comparison with the problems I run into everyday.
I'm referring to women who love too much, fear of winning, sex-aholism.
So you have no objection to Itchy & Scratchy? No, not at all.
One of my guilty little pleasures is to turn on Itchy & Scratchy and laugh myself silly.
What's wrong with that? Not a thing.
Now, for another opinion.
Hi, kids! Please.
This is your chance to participate in a serious discussion.
I'm sorry, Kent.
It's just when the camera gets on me-- -Krusty! -Sorry.
We won't settle this tonight.
Mrs.
Simpson, in the nine seconds left, can you summarize your position? I'd ask the parents concerned about this to write in.
Let the cartoon makers know how you feel.
I don't believe it.
"I won't watch your show, buy your products or brake if I see you crossing the street.
" Wow, that's cold.
"Dear Sleaze Merchant.
" Now, come on, that hurts.
Gentlemen, the screwballs have spoken.
Hello? -Is this Marge Simpson? -Yes.
The Marge who fixed it so cartoons can't be violent? Yes.
This is Myers with the writers.
How do we end this picture? What's the problem? -Itchy stole Scratchy's ice cream-- -Make it a pie.
Easier to draw.
Okay, a pie.
Scratchy is understandably upset.
We figured he'd grab Itchy -and toss him in acid.
-Oh, dear.
But we thought it might be violent, which is wrong now, thanks to you.
What's your idea? -How do we end this? -Let's see.
Couldn't Itchy share his pie with Scratchy? Then they'd both have pie.
It's different, I'll give you that.
A tool every handyman needs.
It's a jigsaw! A drill! It's an asphalt spreader! It's 67 tools in one! -How much would you pay for all this? -$1000! -Don't answer yet.
-Sorry.
-You also get-- -I was watching that! -Time for Krusty.
-We can watch cartoons? -Yes, dear.
All you want.
-All right! -Turn it up! -Hey kids! Time for Itchy & Scratchy! They love, they share They share and love and share Love love love, share share share The Itchy & Scratchy Show! Lemonade? -Please.
-I made it just for you.
You are my best friend.
Itchy and Scratchy have lost their edge.
It's a nice message of sharing.
I think it sucks.
Thank you, Maggie.
-This hits the spot.
-Doesn't it? -You make good lemonade.
-Thank you, Itchy.
Wasn't that funny, boys and girls? Well? Wasn't it? Aren't you going to watch the rest? -No.
Come on.
-Maybe there's something else to do.
But the third bowl of porridge was just right.
Hi, kids! What? Is this Saturday? What did you kids do today? We went fishing.
Almost caught a catfish this big.
I went bird watching and saw a grackle.
That's nice, dear.
-Let's finish our soapbox racers.
-Okay.
-May we please be excused? -Sure.
Wow! What great kids.
This is the golden age, Marge! The parents owe it all to you.
I didn't expect things to change this much.
I always knew you'd make the world better.
This will be the art event of the century! Michelangelo's David on a tour of the U.
S.
Which cities will be in your itinerary? -New York, Springfield-- -Yes? If we have time, Chicago, Boston, Los Angeles.
-Marge, get the door.
-What in the world? Get dressed, Marge.
Lead our protest against this abomination.
That's Michelangelo's David.
It's a masterpiece.
Filth.
It portrays parts of the body which, though practical, are evil.
-I like that statue.
-I knew she was soft on nudity.
Come on, girls.
What is this? What do you want? We want your big Italian butt out of here! Smartline.
With our local host, Kent Brockman.
A masterpiece? Or just a guy with his pants down? That's our topic tonight.
-Why are you against the statue? -I'm not.
Everyone should see it.
-Aren't you Marge Simpson, the wacko? -Yes and no.
How can you be for one form of expression, like our naked friend and be against another form, like Itchy & Scratchy? -Good question.
-Well, I guess I can't.
It's a shame.
I hate those cartoons.
What do you say to those out there who wish to suppress David 's doodle? I don't know.
One person can make a difference but probably shouldn't.
Well, I guess that settles that.
We will be ending early tonight.
Tomorrow our topic will be "Religion: Which Is the One True Faith?" -There he is, Michelangelo's Dave.
-David.
-What's wrong, Marge? -Oh, Homie.
The kids have a chance to see great art.
But they're watching a cat and mouse disembowel each other.
Don't worry, Marge.
Soon every kid in school is going to come and see this thing.
-Really? Why? -They're forcing them! Well, isn't that nice?