The Simpsons Episode Scripts

N/A - Old Money

Next time we'll do something more fun.
Oh, what could be more fun than today's trip to the liquor store? Thanks for the jerky! -Say goodbye.
-Bye.
Good-- Grampa smells like that trunk with the wet bottom.
-He smells like a photo lab.
-Stop it! Grampa smells like an old man, which is like a hospital hallway.
That's terrible.
We should teach them to value the elderly.
-We'll be old someday.
-My God, you're right! You kids won't put me in a home? Well.
What'll we do? -I think we better set an example.
-Absolutely! Our Sundays should be a pleasure.
Where's a fun place we can take Grampa? -To the pony ride! -No.
-Boring.
-He can't sit.
I enjoy the glass blower at Old Springfield.
He saw that.
Big yawner.
The Museum of Barnyard Oddities! -No, Bart! No! -That's gross.
I got it! The Mystery Spot! It's just a dumb mud puddle.
Discount Lion Safari! Like I'm gonna ruin $600 teeth on 40 cents' worth of beef.
These aren't my pills! Now, Mr.
Simmons.
Don't make me call Nurse Bronski.
It's Simpson, and these aren't my pills.
Excuse me.
My name is Simmons.
I have the wrong pills.
I get two red for my back, a yellow one for my arrhythmia and two of the bluest eyes I've ever seen in my life.
-These must be.
-I have your.
They must have.
Look at us.
We're staring like a couple of stupid punk teenagers.
Oh, I wasn't staring, it's, uh, my lazy eye.
I'm Beatrice Simmons.
My friends call me Bea.
Well, I'm Abraham J.
Simpson.
Care to tip the wrist with me? I would be delighted.
So, tell me about yourself.
Widower, one son, one working kidney.
And you? Widowed, bad hip, liver disorder.
You left something out: Ravishing! -What are you doing tonight? -Sitting alone in my room.
If you've got plans already-- -No! What were you saying? -Nothing.
Abe.
You were going to say something.
I was wondering if you and l, you know might go to the same place.
-You'd think this would get easier! -I'd love to.
Okay, now where's that pomade? Ah! "Never fly solo again.
" Aw, damn! Out of pomade.
Oh, well.
Oh, hello, young lady.
Is your grandmother home? Oh, Abe.
I'd better keep my good eye on you.
Damn straight.
Herman, a special lady is having her birthday tomorrow.
The battleship New Jersey.
You idiot! My girlfriend, Bea.
Since this is the only store I know-- Nothing says "I love you" better than a military antique.
Take a look at the bayonet case.
-Hey, what's that? -That was Napoleon's hat.
-It doesn't look it.
-Not the famous one.
He wore it for a week in 1796.
Before he beat the Sardinians.
How much? -$400.
-I'll give you $5.
Not an offer you should make to a man with a gun.
Try Grandma's World.
Activewear, I need a price check on a wool shawl.
Dad! It's Sunday.
You know what that means.
-Go away! -Oh, come on, Dad.
I promise we'll have fun.
We're gonna see lions.
I can't.
It's my girlfriend Bea's birthday.
Oh, you have a girlfriend.
Well, happy birthday, Bea.
She can come with us.
There's room for all your friends.
She's not invisible, you idiot! -It's her birthday tonight.
-Right.
-Stop kicking the seat! -I'm kicking it! -You want to know where we're going? -No.
Discount Lion Safari! Damn these childproof doors! -Hello.
-That'll be 18.
50, Bwana.
"Do not feed or allow animals in car.
Do not make eye contact.
" Are we in Africa yet? -This place sucks.
-The animals are sleeping.
Let 'em sleep on their own time! Are you sure this is the way? The road seems to have gotten awfully bumpy.
What a wingding.
This is much better than my girlfriend's party.
Bart, get out and push.
-Yeah, Bart, get out and push.
-No way! Okay, we've seen a lion.
Can we go now? Oh, Bea! Mr.
Simpson, I presume.
-I got a date with an angel.
-You don't know how right you are.
-What? -I'm sorry to tell you this, but -Bea passed away last night.
-Oh, no.
The doc said her left ventricle burst.
No, Jasper.
They may say she died of a burst ventricle but I know she died of a broken heart.
I can tell she really cared.
She didn't make me a pallbearer.
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
Is someone talking? I didn't hear anything.
Oh, no! Dad's lost his hearing! No, you idiot! I'm ignoring you! You made me miss the last moments of Bea's life.
I'll never speak to you again! I have no son! Oh, Bea.
It was a beautiful service.
-Who are you? -Lionel Hutz, attorney.
I'm the executor of the estate.
Bea was wealthy and-- Surprise, surprise! She left it all to you.
-Really? -There is one catch.
You must spend one night in a haunted house.
Just kidding.
Here's a check for $106,000 "To enjoy as you see fit.
" Oh, I'm touched.
-$106,000! -Ta-ta, Mr.
Simpson.
By the way, I do wills.
Here's a pen with my phone number on it.
It looks like a cigar.
Isn't that neat? Hello, Homer? Dad's on the phone! -Oh, Dad, I knew you'd forgive me.
-I haven't forgiven you! I just inherited $106,000 and I just had to tell you that you're not getting one thin dime! -Mr.
Simpson? -What is it? I couldn't help hearing about your money.
Let me assure you that here, money does make a difference.
There are rubdowns, and then there are rubdowns.
Listen, you bloodsucker! Does it ever occur to you that old folks should be treated like humans -whether they have money or not? -Yes, but it passes.
Oh, you lousy son of a.
I'll take it! Big spender, why the change? Bea told me to enjoy my moola and I'm going to, dagnab it! -Where to? -Take me someplace fun! You're the boss.
Next stop, Funsville.
-I miss Bea.
-I miss you too.
Oh, calm down.
I'm not here to scare you.
I'm haunting a family in Texas.
Oh, well, I'm glad you're keeping busy.
I want to know why my money isn't bringing you happiness.
Oh, Bea, I'm not cut out for the highlife.
If you're not happy, why don't you spread it around? Make other people as happy as you made me.
Oh, thanks, Bea.
I will! And your son misses you.
Oh, I miss him too, the big fat dickens.
Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you, what was death like? Not as scary as this! I miss my daddy.
This thing has had you moping around for days.
I think it's time for you to talk to someone.
You've reached Dr.
Monroe's Anxiety Line.
If you have a sullen teenager, press 1.
For spousal problems, press 2 now.
If you have trouble-- Grampa! -Dad! -Sonny-boy! Is there room at your table for an old man? Well, sure! We'll have to move a chair in, but it's no problem.
Bart! -Choose your corncob.
En garde! -Challenge accepted! All my precious sacks of gold couldn't buy me the joys of a family meal.
-Pass the bug juice.
-Wait your turn! I have an announcement.
I've decided to give Bea's money away to people who need it.
I'm gonna let them come to me and plead their case and then I'll decide.
That's the noblest thought ever expressed at this table.
-Give it to us.
-Bart! Forgive him.
He's just a stupid little kid who says the first thing in his head.
-You know, he is wise.
-You don't want it.
-I do.
-You ain't getting it! Not since my marriage to the weather lady has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo.
Here's why: Today, one Abraham "Grampa" Simpson announced that he'll give away over $100,000 to the person he finds most deserving.
Is Grampa Simpson a saint, a rich nut, or both? Time will tell.
Kent Brockman, on line for an old man's money.
You see, Gramps, I wanna customize the bus.
Chop the top, jack it up, put on wheels psychedelic paint job from hell.
Jam the kids to school! Here's a rendering.
Note the cobra wrapped around the naked chick.
Next! Grampa? -I can call you Grampa, can't I? -Go ahead.
I need that money.
Please--! Wait! You're the guy who owns the nuclear power plant.
-Ownership is divided-- -What are you doing? I dread the day when $100,000 isn't worth groveling for.
Get out of here! You just made yourself a very powerful enemy, old man.
Here's the deal, Grampa.
A guy I think was an explorer left this in the bar.
It may be a map to ancient treasure, or directions to a house.
To find out, we'll need money, provisions and a diving bell.
It's pretty stupid, but so far you're the front-runner.
It's an isolation chamber.
A subject pulls levers to get heat and food.
The floor can become electrified and water falls on the subject.
I call it the Monroe box.
Well, it sounds interesting.
How much will it cost? It's already built! I need the money to buy a baby to raise in the box.
To prove what? The subject should be maladjusted and harbor resentment towards me.
Interesting.
I want a tear gas pen, a blowgun with paralyzer darts-- -Oh, no! -Nunchucks.
Nunchucks? What are those? Radioactive Man number 27.
And I want that baseball card where the guy's flipping the bird.
-I've seen that one.
-And a monkey.
What the hell is that? Why, it's a death ray, my good man.
Behold.
-Hey, feels warm.
Kind of nice.
-Well, it's just the prototype.
With funding, this baby could destroy an area the size of New York.
-I wanna help people, not kill them! -Oh.
The ray only has evil applications.
My wife'll be happy.
She's hated this death ray from day one.
Oh, Lisa, what makes you think you deserve all that money? I don't deserve it, Grampa.
No one here does.
The people who deserve it are in the slums.
They're children who need books and families who can't make ends meet.
-But you can buy me a pony.
-You're right! I'll name her Princess.
No, you're right about the poor souls who need a helping hand.
I need to take a walk.
Oh, dear.
-Oh! I'm exhausted.
-Poor baby, been lifting your wallet? No! I've decided to give my money away to truly needy causes! But $100,000 just isn't enough.
I need more.
Why don't you go on the gambling junket? You could double your money.
-Tempting.
-They got a 99-cent shrimp cocktail.
You've sold me! Trying to get us killed? It's too hot, maniac! Turn on the air already! Hey, mellow out, old dudes, or I'll jam this baby into a river! I'm looking for Abe Simpson.
It's important.
I don't care about his money, I love him! We get that a lot.
He left with the casino junket.
Casino! Come on, everybody! Hello, I'm Plato.
Please partake of keno, craps and the town's loosest slots.
My philosophy is: Enjoy! Change, please.
Burger, onion rings, shake! And for God's sake, hurry! $5000 on-- What century is this? -The 20th.
-Put it on 20.
Excuse me.
Have you seen an old man? He looks like me only wrinkled.
Have you seen--? Dad! No! -20 black.
-Holy moly, you're winning! You're cramping me.
Quit while you're ahead, understand? You gotta leave! -I have to get enough for everybody.
-But you could lose everything! Homer, I think Rudyard Kipling said it best.
"If you can make one heap of all your winnings and risk it on one turn" and lose, and start again at your beginnings and never breathe a word about your loss yours is the earth and everything that's in it "and, which is more, you'll be a man, my son.
" -You'll be a bonehead! -Put it all on 41.
-I've got a feeling.
-The wheel only goes to 36.
Put it all on 36.
I've got a feeling.
Dad, no! Give me that money! Come on! Stop it! Ow! Ow! You're hurting me! -36! -No more bets.
Son, if this lands on 36, I'll.
Double zero.
Son! You saved me from losing all my money.
For the first time, I'm glad I had children.
So have you figured out who gets the money? Yes, Homer, I have.
Come on in.
Dignity's on me, friends.
Sync, Edited, Checked by Ikatz