The Simpsons Episode Scripts

N/A - Treehouse of Horror II

Hello, everyone.
Before last year's Halloween show I warned you not to let your children watch but you did anyway.
Well, this year's episode is even worse.
It's scarier, more violent and I think they snuck in some bad language too.
So please, tuck in your children and-- Well, if you didn't listen to me last time you're not going to now.
Enjoy the show.
to conclude this Halloween newscast on a scary note: remember, the presidential primaries are only a few months away.
Hey, if you don't like it, go to Russia.
Trick or treat, man.
Aren't you a little old for this? You're not even wearing costumes.
Hand over the candy, old dude, or we egg your house.
Here you go, kids.
Heh-heh heh.
Lousy punks.
- D'oh! We're home.
Aah whoo! Get a good haul this year? Jackpot! I'm very, very proud of you kids.
We would have gotten more if Lisa walked faster.
I didn't select this costume for mobility.
I wore it to salute the noble Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest.
Yaahh! Ha-ha-ha! Children, you can have one piece of candy tonight and save the rest for-- If you eat too much, you'll have nightmares.
Oh, yeah, everybody in this family will have a bad nightmare tonight.
Oh, yeah, three bad nightmares.
I'd like to see that.
Heh-heh-heh.
Ooh.
What a dump! Why would Princess Grace live here? - Dad, that's Monaco.
- D'oh! I can do that, but I don't want to.
Ugh! What is this thing? It is a monkey's paw, dating back to Al-Al Ben Abdallah.
It grants wishes to its owner.
Oh, yeah? How much? I strongly advise you, do not purchase this.
Behind every wish lurks grave misfortune.
I was once president of Algeria.
I don't want to hear your life story.
Paw me.
Eww, Homer.
Where did you get that ugly thing? Why, at that little shop right over there.
Oh, it was over there.
You'll be sorry.
Flight 7, Marrakesh to Springfield, now boarding.
Just a moment.
Don't shoot! Don't shoot! They're souvenirs.
You must pay a fine of two American dollars.
Okay.
Let's wish for X-ray specs that really work.
No, Bart-- peace on Earth.
- X-ray specs.
- Peace on Earth.
- Peace on Earth.
- X-ray specs.
- X-ray specs.
- Peace on Earth.
As the pants-wearer of this house I get the first wish.
Homer, there's something I don't like about that severed hand.
Marge, don't flake out on me.
That monkey's paw is going to make our dreams come true.
- Oh, no! Maggie made a wish.
Oh, my land! Ooh.
! A luxury car.
- Good baby.
Good Maggie.
Ohh, a new pacifier.
D'oh! No more fooling around.
Paw, this is Bart.
I wish for Simpsons to be rich and famous.
Now you're talking.
- Yay! - Yay! Wahoo! Look, everybody.
My purse exploded! Come on, everybody.
We're going to the fanciest restaurant in town.
I'm terrible sorry.
I have absolutely nothing untilJune.
Ah, the Simpsons! Right this way, please.
Homer, maybe fame and fortune aren't as bad as they say.
If I hear one more thing about the Simpsons I swear I'll scream.
At first they were cute, but now they're annoying.
What a rip-off.
Man, this thing's really getting out of hand.
Is there anything they won't do? Oh, Homer, this is awful.
The guy that sold me this thing did say the wishes would bring grave misfortune.
I thought he was being colorful.
I wish for world peace.
Lisa, that was very selfish of you! Sorry about the Falklands.
Oh, forget it.
We knew they were yours.
Well, won't be needing these anymore.
# Come on, people now, smile on your brother # # Everybody get together # # Try to love one another right now ## Foolish humans.
Oh, yes, Kodos.
Earth is now ripe for the plucking.
People of Earth, we come to you in the spirit of hostility and menace.
Now, we can resolve our differences peacefully.
Uh ow! Your superior intellect is no match for our puny weapons.
Gordon, do something.
What do you want me to do? I'm a baker now.
Conquered with a club.
Wish we'd saved an A-bomb.
Move along humans.
This is all the Simpsons' fault.
Before I was just bored with them now I wish they were dead.
Geez, now we're slaves.
This paw sucks.
Okay, I'll make a wish that can't backfire.
I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread with lettuce and mustard and and I don't want any zombie turkeys.
I don't want to turn into a turkey myself and I don't want any other weird surprises, you got it? Hey! Hmm mmm! Mmm not bad.
Nice hot mustard, good bread turkey's a little dry-- The turkey's a little dry?! Oh, foul the cursed thing! What demon from the depths of hell created thee? Hey, is that one of those monkey paw dealies that lets you wish for things? Yeah, but I got to warn you that this thing is-- Yeah, that's what it is.
You want to try it? Okely-dokely.
Ooh, would you look at that.
Aahh! Kneel before my slingshot, puny earthling! Well, I guess my first wish is to get rid of those awful aliens.
Aahh! He's got a board with a nail in it! Enslave humanity, will ya?! Run, Kodos! Ha-ha-ha! Well, Kang, it seems the earthlings won.
Did they? That board with the nail in it may have defeated us but the humans won't stop there.
They'll make bigger boards and bigger nails.
Soon they will make a board with a nail so big it will destroy them all! Hey, Homer this thingumajig works great.
Now that I've saved the Earth maybe I ought to spruce up the old homestead.
I wish I had a monkey's paw.
Bart? Bart? Huh? What's the matter? I had a bad dream.
Could I sleep in your bed? No.
I'll give you a candy necklace.
Climb aboard.
- Thanks, Bart.
- Less talk, more sleep.
[ Rod Serling Impressionist ] Presented for your consideration:: Springfield-- an average little town with a not-so-average monster.
Happy thoughts.
Happy, happy, happy.
The people of Springfield have to make sure they think happy thoughts and say happy things because this particular monster can read minds.
And if displeased, can turn people into grotesque walking terrors.
Happy thoughts.
Happy thoughts.
Boy, I'm getting mighty sick of this.
Huh? Ruff, ruff, ruff.
Bow-wow.
And did I mention that the monster is a ten-year-old boy? Quite a twist, huh? Betcha didn't see that one coming.
Good morning.
- Morning.
- Good morning, dear.
Hiya, Bart.
How's my boy? [ Nervous Laughing ] Every day, same old cat.
I'll make him more interesting.
Much better.
Oh, good, the curtains are on fire.
It's good that you made that awful thing, Bart.
It's real good.
- Hadn't you better get ready for school? - Okay.
He gets it from your side of the family, you know.
No monsters on my side.
- Hi, guys.
- Aahh! Hi, Otto.
Move over.
I'm driving.
No can do, little buddy.
See, there's a rule-- Oh, wait.
You're the little dude with the gnarly powers.
Quit riding the brake.
Give it some gas, man.
Hey, this is fun, isn't it? We're going to die, aren't we? - Hiya, Bart! - Hiya, Bart! [ Teacher ] Well, class the history of our country has been changed again to correspond with Bart's test answers.
America was now discovered in 1 942 by ''some guy.
'' And our country isn't called America anymore.
It's Bonerland.
Your attention, please.
This is Principal Skinner.
Bart, this one's for you.
Phone.
Happy thoughts.
Happy thoughts.
Moe's Tavern.
Hold on.
I'll check.
Uh, hey, everybody.
I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.
- That's a new one! - Wait a minute.
One more time.
Double-time now.
I love school.
Come on, come on.
Make it, make it.
Please, please, please.
- I want to watch Krusty.
- Shut up, boy.
If they make this field goal, I win 50 bucks.
The kick is up.
It's looking good.
The ball is turning into a fat, bald guy.
Aahh! Oof!.
It's no good, and you know what we say Every time something strange happens-- it's good that Bart did that.
It's very good.
and all because of one little boy who-- who won't let me stop! Anyway, now let's go over and see if Sideshow Mel has any more of those legal over-the-counter wake-up drugs of his.
Slowly, slowly.
Don't make a sound.
Don't even think.
He can hear your thoughts.
Then, when he's least expecting it, bash his head in.
End of monster.
Aaaaaaaaaahhh! Bart! - Lisa did it.
- That's it, young man.
You're coming with me.
Please? You like attention, don't you, Bart? - Do I ever.
- But you don't care whether you get good attention for, say getting high marks in school, or bad attention for, say turning your father intojack-in-the-box.
Homer, I see you agree with my theory.
I'm not nodding.
It's the air conditioning.
That's too bad.
The attention the boy craves should be coming from you.
Spend some quality time with him.
Get to know him.
Maybe even love him.
- [ Cheering ] D'oh! Whoa-oh-oh.
Eeyii! - Good night, son.
- Good night, Dad.
You know, these last few days have been really swell.
I wish I could repay you.
Well, if you wanted to, you could give me my body back.
You got it.
Oh! Hey, hey.
Oh, oh.
Thanks, boy.
- I love you, Dad.
- I love you, son.
Aaaaaaaaahhh! Mom! Dad! My goodness! What's wrong? - We both had nightmares.
- Can we sleep with you? You both toilet trained? - Yes! - Okay, then.
Couple hours I have to get up and go to work.
Got to go to work.
Go to work-- [ Burns ] Ooh, look at them, Smithers-- goldbrickers, layabouts, slugabeds.
Little do they realize their days of suckling at my teat are numbered.
Oh, in the meantime, sir, may I suggest a random firing -just to throw the fear of God into them? - Very well.
Eeny, meeny, miny-- Blugh! Him! Attention, Homer Simpson.
Attention, Homer Simpson.
Wake up, Homer.
- What? Huh? What? - You're fired.
- For what? - For sleeping on the job.
How did you know I was sleeping? We've been watching you on the surveillance camera.
Camera? D'oh! Smithers to the laboratory.
You know, Smithers I've always despised the laziness of the common worker.
Then I realized his spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak.
I replaced the flesh, which is weak, with steel which is strong.
Behold! The greatest breakthrough in labor relations since the cat-o'-nine-tails! - How long till it's running? - Keep your pants on, Smithers.
First we need a human brain.
Hey, here's a goodjob, Dad.
You have to know how to operate an ultrasonic lithontriptor.
- How hard can it be? - Hey, Dad, here's one.
$28 an hour, plenty of fresh air and you get to meet lots of interesting people.
Ooh, what job is that? Grave digger.
Deeper, wider, faster.
I wouldn't bury my turtle in that mud puddle.
What's the use? Sheesh! What a slave driver.
What corpse should we unearth, sir? I don't know.
I feel like a kid in a candy store.
Hello! An open grave.
Smithers, get him out quickly.
The stench is overpowering.
Wait a minute, sir.
That's Homer Simpson.
He wasn't exactly a model employee.
Well, who is a model employee? Simpson will do just fine, sir.
Did you hear that, sir? No, I didn't.
Who is it, Frankenstein? The Boogerman? The man in the bag.
I think he's alive.
Oh.
- Bad corpse.
Stop scaring Smithers.
Satisfied? Thank you, sir.
Excellent.
Smithers, hand me that ice cream scoop.
- Ice cream scoop? - Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery! All right.
Hello.
Look at me-- I'm Davy Crockett! Look, Smithers, a twitch.
It's moving! It's alive! Oh, that fellow at Radio Shack said I was mad.
Well, who's mad now? Hi, there.
I'm your daddy.
[ Homer's Voice ] Mmm! Mmm! Sprin-kles.
Geraldo Rivera Madonna, and a diseased yak.
[ Lisa ] Mom, what's wrong? It's your father-- he's missing.
Dad's missing? Get out of here.
He's been gone for two days.
What do you know? She's right.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
It was supposed to be a thing of beauty not this abomination.
Oh, Smithers, I was wrong to play God.
Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with.
Take out that brain and flush it down the toilet.
His family might appreciate it if you returned the brain to his body.
Come on.
It's 1 1 :45! Oh, Smithers, when you look at me with those puppy-dog eyes-- All right.
Ow.
Ow.
- Ow.
Ow.
- Quit your complaining.
Do you know what this means? He is alive.
Ooh, you're right, Smithers.
I guess I owe you a Coke.
And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophony of collagenous cogs and camshafts, take that.
! Aahh! - Run, sir.
Every bone shattered organs leaking vital fluids a slight headache, loss of appetite.
Smithers, I'm going to die.
- Is there nothing I can do? - Well, perhaps.
Smithers, go to my office.
In the third drawer of my desk are surgical tools and some ether.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh! Did you have a nightmare? - No.
Bart bit me.
- You were crushing me.
I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.
Got to shake the dew off the lily.
- Aahh! - Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads.
My body was crushed, so I had head grafted onto your shall we say, ample frame.
I can wake up.
It's all a dream.
It's just a dream.
Oh, that's right.
It's all a dream or is it? Next week on The Simpsons: Don't forget, Dad.
Tonight my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.
Mmm.
Spaghetti.
But, Homer, tonight's our reception for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.
Oh, I hate having two heads.