The Simpsons s05e17 Episode Script

[ Chorus .]
" The Simpsons " [ Bell Ringing .]
[ Tires Screeching .]
D'oh! [ Screams .]
[ Birds Chirping .]
[ Grumbling .]
[ Splat .]
Sandwich.
[ Groans .]
[ Items Crunching .]
Hmm, underpants.
Hmm? [ Groans .]
Bowling ball.
More underpants.
- [ Both .]
Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Mom.
[ All Chomping, Swallowing .]
After breakfast, me and Milhouse are going down to the ravine.
We got a tip from a six-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.
And I'm going to the park to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet.
- Wanna come with me, Daddio? - I'd love to, honey but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest today.
- Think you'll win? - Son, when you participate in sporting events it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.
- Gotcha.
Well, gotta go.
- [ Homer, Lisa .]
Me too.
Uh, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing there, Mom.
- Push her down, Son.
- No one's going anywhere.
We're going to clean the whole house from top to bottom.
- [ Gasps .]
- [ Gasps .]
Oh, dear God, no! [ Panting, Struggling .]
I think you'll find that escape is impossible.
Now, each one of you take a floor and get started.
- I call the basement.
- [ All .]
Fine.
D'oh? D'oh! - [ Squeaking .]
- I'm tired.
I'm hungry.
Can't we just buy a new house? Oh, Bart, cleaning doesn't have to be a chore.
Here, work to the music.
"You load 1 6 tons and what do you get " "Another day older and deeper in debt " - Amen, Ernie.
- " [ Continues .]
- [ Sputtering, Engine Starts .]
- [ Grunting .]
- All done.
- You're not done.
I want you to throw away these old calendars and TVGuides.
Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy.
Sure, it's not 1 985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TVGuides.
So many memories.
''Gomer upsets Sergeant Carter.
'' Oh, I'll never forget that episode.
- Pyle! - Shazam! - Pyle! - Shazam! - Pyle! - Shazam! [ Laughs .]
Shazam.
Stop remembering TV and get back to work.
What's the point of all this cleaning? Are we so vain? - [ Vacuum Whirring .]
- "[Jazz .]
- Hmm? Hey, Clinton, get back to work.
Make me.
[ Sighs .]
They're having a great time, and I'm stuck in here.
" [ Sour Note .]
Ooh! Hmm.
''Use only in a well-ventilated area.
'' Shove it, buddy.
[ Grunting .]
Whoo! Ahh! [ Homer Blabbering .]
[ Popping, Squeaking .]
Huh? Whee! [ All Growling .]
[ Straining .]
I must destroy you! [ Screaming .]
[ Marge .]
Homer, what's going on down there? - Nothing.
- Then stop screaming so loud.
Okay.
[ Quieter Screaming .]
" [ Radio: Country .]
[ Groaning .]
[ Deejay .]
And that was ''Take This Job and Shove It.
'' Now let's make another one of our lucky phone calls.
[ Deejay "2 .]
Okay,just answer the phone with the special phrase that pays - and you'll have your choice of $ 1 0,000 in cash - [ Cash Register Dings .]
[ Laughs .]
or a really stupid prize.
- [ Clock Cuckoos .]
- [ Deejay "1 Laughs .]
Well, let's make that call.
- [ Rings .]
- KBBL is gonna give me something stupid.
[ Grampa .]
Bart, I'm having palpitations! Can't tie up the line, Grampa.
- [ All Groaning .]
- There.
Isn't that a lot better? Now you can do whatever you want, but don't mess up the house.
[ All .]
We won't.
- [ Scoffs .]
- And now let's try another lucky phone call.
[ Rings .]
Help! Help us! They stole our uniforms, guns and Tasers! - Ooh, fry, piggy.
- [ Electrical Charge .]
[ Wiggum .]
No, no, no, don't! - [ Electrical Charge .]
- [ Wiggum Yelling .]
A little to the left.
- [ Electrical Charge .]
- Ahh, that's the stuff.
Oh, I'm sorry the phrase is ''KBBL is gonna give me something stupid.
'' [ Deejay "2 .]
Pretty weird.
[ Laughs .]
- [ Deejay "1 .]
Let's try one more number.
- [ Phone Rings .]
- Hello.
- KBBL is gonna give me something stupid! - Well, hot dog, we have a ''wiener.
'' - [ Alarm Sounds .]
- Hello? - I won! I won! You win your choice of $1 0,000 or-- What's our gag prize this week, Bill? [ Bill Laughs .]
A full-grown African elephant.
Well, all that money sounds mighty tempting, Marty but I think I'm gonna have to go with the elephant.
He's taking the elephant instead of the money.
- [ Marty Whispering .]
The kid wants the elephant.
- We don't have a damn elephant.
- Don't whisper into the mike.
- [ Clears Throat .]
Kid, the elephant's a gag prize.
- Nobody takes the gag prize.
You want the cash.
- I want the elephant.
[ Laughs .]
Stick it to the man.
No, wait! We'll call you back.
Bart, with $1 0,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like love.
Or double-ply windows.
They look just like regular windows but they'll save us four percent on our heating bill.
Well, they will.
You all seem to be forgetting the most important thing which is, that it's wrong to imprison an animal.
- Lisa, go to your room.
- [ Man Laughing .]
We appreciate you coming down, but, look, kid.
The thing is, uh-- [ Chuckles .]
we don't have an elephant.
[ Laughs .]
Come on, kid,just take the money, huh? Otherwise, we might get fired.
- You don't want us to get fired, do you? - Eh, either way.
[ Both Gasp .]
We think we know how your mind works, Bart, so how 'bout this? We pay your principal $1 0,000 to pull down his pants - and keep 'em down for the rest of the school year.
- [ Laughs .]
- I'll do it, Bart.
- Um no.
Okay, okay.
What if we use the 1 0,000 to surgically transform Skinner here into a-- some kind of a lobster-like creature? Well, now wait just a minute.
That wasn't discussed with me.
Uh, gentlemen, I am not leaving without my elephant.
- Hey! - Whee! Where's my elephant? - " [ Static, Mellow Music .]
- [ Bart .]
Where's my elephant? Where's my elephant? - " [ Mellow .]
- Where's my elephant? Hey, they're playing ''The Elephant Song.
'' I love that.
Reminds me of elephants.
So, isn't that what we're all asking in our own lives? Where's my elephant? I know that's what I've been asking.
[ Electrical Crackling .]
Look, our ratings are down, and the station is being swamped with angry calls and letter bombs.
- And it's all your fault.
- Yes, it is, ma'am.
This is the DJ-3000.
It plays CDs automatically and it has three distinct varieties of inane chatter.
[ Man .]
Hey, hey, how about that weather out there? Whoa, that was the caller from hell.
Well, hot dog, we have a ''wiener.
'' Man, that thing's great.
Don't praise the machine.
If you don't get that kid an elephant by tomorrow, the DJ-3000 gets your job.
- [ Grunts .]
- Looks like those clowns in Congress did it again.
- What a bunch of clowns.
- [ Laughs .]
How does he keep up with the news like that? - [ Doorbell Rings .]
- [ Yawns .]
- [ Gasps .]
- [ Tires Squeal .]
[ Marge, Homer Gasp .]
Whoo-ho-ho-ho! [ Trumpets .]
[ Elephant Trumpets .]
- [ Snorting .]
- Homer? It looks like it could gore.
[ Chuckles .]
It does look like Al Gore.
Oh, he smells worse than anything.
Hey, you, elephant! Lift me up on your back, man.
Whoo! [ Marge Gasps .]
Bart! [ Grunts .]
Cool! [ Chuckles .]
He tried to kill me.
I really think this is a bad idea.
Marge, I agree with you in theory.
In theory, Communism works.
In theory.
Look, he thinks he's people.
[ Trumpets .]
I think I'm gonna call him Stampy.
[ Trumpets .]
- What's he yelling about? - He's hungry.
Here you go, Stampy.
Eat it slow.
It has to last for-- You ate it too fast.
Maybe if we tied it down so it couldn't move, it wouldn't get so hungry.
You can't do that, Dad.
It's cruel! Oh, everything's cruel according to you.
Keeping him chained up in the backyard is cruel.
Pulling on his tail is cruel.
Yelling in his ears is cruel.
Everything is cruel.
So excuse me if I'm cruel! [ Yells .]
- [ Chomps .]
- [ Muffled Yelling .]
[ Grunts, Breathing Heavily .]
Now I've had my head in an elephant, a hippo and a giant sloth.
[ Swallowing .]
[ Crunching .]
[ Grunts .]
I think you're taking unfair advantage of my generous offer.
- Shut up! - [ Stampy, Labored Breathing .]
He can't just eat peanuts, Dad.
He needs plants to live.
Plants, eh? [ Squirrels Chittering .]
Strip the bark now, Stampy.
- Hey, any more arboretums around here? - No! [ Gasps .]
That bird.
! He's killing the elephant.
! Stop him.
! No, Dad, he's grooming him.
Grooming him, eh? Oh, Homer, there's a bird on your head.
I know.
He's grooming me.
Mm, elephant fresh.
[ Several Dogs Barking .]
[ Stampy Trumpets .]
[ Silence .]
[ Straining .]
Good night, Stampy.
[ Sniffing .]
[ Bart Sighs .]
[ Yawns, Grunts .]
Uh-- Ahem.
Thanks, bud.
Appreciate it.
- Hmm.
- Taught Stampy any tricks yet, Bart? Nah.
He doesn't wanna learn, and I don't wanna teach him.
We get along fine.
- [ Heavy Panting .]
- Hey, what's with them? I think they're trying to get some attention.
Oh.
Good luck! Look at these bills.
''Chain for elephant.
'' ''Shots for elephant.
'' ''Oversized decorative poncho''! Technically, it's for a giraffe, but I think I can let it out a little.
Well, these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance.
You'll have to raise my allowance to about $1 ,000 a week.
- Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.
- [ Doorbell Rings .]
- Can we see the elephant? - We'll pay you money.
For the ninth time, no! [ Doorbell Rings .]
Wait a minute.
This gives me an idea.
Mm, here's a better sign, Dad.
I don't have time to read it.
Just give me the gist of it, Son.
[ Playful Chattering .]
- [ Grunts .]
- Your kid flew five feet.
- That counts as a ride.
Two bucks.
- That was never five feet.
That animal of yours is certainly bad-tempered.
Yeah, well, you'd be grumpy too if you were taken out of your natural habitat and gawked at by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels.
Hey, Ma, look at that pointy-hairded little girl.
[ Guffaws .]
You guys don't understand Stampy.
He's just like me.
We're a pair of jokers, and both of us are wild.
We don't take nothing from nobody.
[ Sighs .]
[ Laughs .]
Smithers.
! This reminds me of that fat man I used to ride to work.
- [ Groaning .]
- [ Door Closes .]
Look at this, Marge.
$58 and all of it profit! I'm the smartest businessman in the world.
Stampy's food bill today was $300.
Marge, please, don't humiliate me in front of the money.
[ Humming .]
[ Customers Reacting Negatively .]
[ Car Doors Slamming, Tires Screeching .]
[ Vehicles Departing .]
Um, Milhouse saw the elephant twice and rode him once, right? Yes, but we paid you four dollars.
Well, that was under our old price structure.
Under our new price structure your bill comes to a total of $7 00.
Now, you've already paid me four dollars so that's just $696 more that you owe me.
Get off our property.
This town is full of deadbeats.
We can't afford this elephant.
No, Dad, he's my friend.
Sorry, Bart.
I'm gonna have to sell him.
"[''Mary Had A Little Lamb''.]
- [ Roars .]
- Well, sir, I'll be honest with ya.
I need a large African elephant, and I need it today.
But I'm afraid this just isn't what I'm looking for.
What do you mean? It's an elephant, isn't it? Well, it is and it isn't, if you understand what I mean.
He likes peanuts.
Our wildlife refuge is the ideal environment for your elephant.
Thousands of acres of simulated African savannah.
It's perfect, Dad.
I only have two questions: How much? And give it to me.
Well, we really can't offer you any money.
- We're a nonprofit organization.
- So, your bid is zero? - Well, we'd like to think of it as-- - Thank you.
- You know, I really think-- - Thank you.
Mr.
Simpson, I think you'll find this amount more than fair.
Dad, I think he's an ivory dealer.
His boots are ivory.
His hat is ivory.
And I'm pretty sure that check is ivory.
Lisa, a guy who has lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.
- [ Growling .]
We love you.
- [ Meows .]
- Mr.
Blackheart? - Yes, my pretty.
- Are you an ivory dealer? - [ Laughs .]
Little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day-- whale hunter, seal clubber, president of the Fox network-- And, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.
Dad, you can't do this.
Stampy is my friend.
Don't worry, Son.
I'll get you a new elephant.
- I'll take that one too.
- Done.
- I'll be back in the morning to pick up Stampy.
- Here's the keys.
- Elephants don't have keys.
- I'll just keep these then.
Don't worry, Stampy.
I won't let Homer sell you to that ivory dealer.
You and I are gonna run away together.
We'll keep to the back roads and make our way south.
Then, if I know my geography, it's just 1 2 miles to Africa.
Okay, bud, very quietly, let's just sneak through-- - [ Grunts .]
Stampy! - [ Trumpets .]
[ Gasps .]
Oh, it's the four elephants of the Apocalypse.
- That's horsemen, Ned.
- Well, getting closer.
Mom, Dad, Bart and Stampy are gone! Oh, my Lord! I bet it's because of that horrible ivory dealer, Dad.
He took Bart too? That wasn't part of our deal, Blackheart! That wasn't part! Piece of cake.
All we have to do is follow the path of destruction.
Oh, stupid tornado! [ Laughs .]
Look.
It got Patty and Selma.
- [ Groans .]
I feel it all the way up my skirt.
- Ditto.
- [ Trumpets .]
- [ Men .]
Whoa! [ Men .]
Whoa! [ Chuckles .]
Yeah, right, lady.
An elephant ran through your front yard.
Okay.
Wiggum.
Yeah, right, mister.
Mm-hmm.
An elephant just knocked over your mailbox.
Okay.
Wiggum.
Yeah, right, buddy.
Liquor store robbery, officer down.
Sure.
And I'm Edward G.
Robinson.
Waah! - "[ Celebratory .]
- [ Cheering .]
[ Trumpeting .]
- "[ Celebratory .]
- [Jeering .]
- [ Trumpets .]
- Whoa! This is the moment we've feared, people.
Many of you thought it would never happen but I insisted we spend two hours every morning training for it.
You all thought I was mad.
Many of you requested to be transferred to another peanut factory.
- But now, we-- - [ Trumpets .]
Stampy! Stampy, where are you, boy? Stampy! Stampy, where are you, boy? - [ Trumpeting .]
- Huh? - [ Panting .]
- [ Trumpeting .]
[ Woman On Speaker.]
These prehistoric creatures blundered into the tar pits which presered their skeletons in showroom condition.
Oh.
He's gone forever.
- [ Loud Trumpeting .]
- [ Gasps .]
Stampy! Mm.
Huh? Oh, you're lonely for other elephants, aren't you? - D'oh! - A deer! - A female deer.
Son, you're okay! And you led us to the precious ivory.
And, of course, your lovable pet, who it's connected to.
Dad, I can't let you sell him.
Stampy and I are friends.
Ow! Anyway, I want him to go to that animal refuge.
Forget it! That elephant cost me thousands of dollars.
Dad, how would you like to be sold to an ivory dealer? - I'd like it fine.
- Even if he killed you and made your teeth into piano keys? Yes, of course I would.
Who wouldn't like that, to be part of the music scene? - Dad, you're sinking! - Huh? - Get a rope, Bart.
- No, that's okay.
I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out.
First, I'll just reach in and pull my legs out.
Now I'll pull my arms out with my face.
Mm.
[ Gurgling .]
- Dad! - Homie! Stampy, quick! Pull him out! Thanks, Stampy.
Ow! [ Gasping .]
Ah, I'm alive! I'm alive! And I owe it all to this feisty feline.
Dad, feline means cat.
Elephant, honey.
It's an elephant.
And I'm sure he'll make a grand piano.
- [ Both .]
Dad! - Oh.
I guess it wouldn't be right to sell Stampy after he saved my life.
And the boy seems to have some sort of relationship with him.
- Thanks, Dad.
- On the other hand who's to say what's right these days what with all our modern ideas and products? All right.
We'll give the stupid elephant to the stupid animal refuge.
[ Both .]
Yea! Uh, Mom, we're stuck to Dad.
[ Groans .]
This is just what happened at the caramel factory.
- Ow! - Ow, my hair! - [ Grunting .]
- Mmm, caramel.
[ Trumpets .]
So long, Stampy.
I know you're gonna like it here.
No, Stampy, no! [ Trumpets .]
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, thanks, boy.
- [ Roars .]
- Whoa! Whoa, boy! Wh-Whoa! - [ Grunts .]
- [ Trumpets .]
[ Laughs .]
Attaboy, Stampy.
Butt him once for me.
Gosh, I thought he'd be happier in his true habitat.
Oh, I think he is.
Then why is he attacking all those other elephants? Well, animals are a lot like people, Mrs.
Simpson.
- Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life-- - Stampy! or have been mistreated.
But, like people, some of them are just jerks.
- Stop that, Mr.
Simpson.
- [ Grunting .]
- [ People Chattering .]
- Shh!