The Simpsons s22e21 Episode Script
500 Keys
It was this or a Porsche! (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (playing the blues) (tires screech) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) I love your low prices, but why did these weddings get cancelled? Returned because of a fight over the prenup.
Aw That one there-- bride's dad made a racist toast.
(clicking tongue) She wanted a cake with blue rosettes, he slept with her sister.
Cake, will you do me the honor of making my stomach the happiest bag of acid in the world? You will?! (horns honking) Time for a shortcut.
(tires screeching) Woo-hoo! Dad, the cake! Dad, our lives! Fine.
(bleating) Uh-oh, they've got the right-of-way! Morning.
Guten Tag.
(all sigh) (humming) (tapping) Who's alone in the vehicle? Maggie's locked in! With the keys! HOMER: Oh! What's wrong? Uh, first the good news.
Two of your kids are not locked in the car.
Maggie! (screams) (sighs) (yawns) We've got to get her out of there! Babies aren't supposed to sleep on their stomach on a cake.
Okay, okay, the spare key is somewhere in here.
What's this key with the plastic skull for? That's the key to my box with the real skull.
(both gasp) Maggie! So how come we have all these other keys? Well, if you live long enough, you start to accumulate things.
This is from a gas station men's room.
They put the block of wood on it so you don't walk away with it.
These are from a key party we went to before we realized what a key party was.
We got out of there just in time.
(disco music playing) Aw, come on.
You'll miss all the sex.
Uh, this key opens your parrot cage.
Rules are rules.
(groans) And these keys are from all my jobs.
MARGE: At some point, we should try to return these keys to their rightful owners.
Are you nuts? Let's have some fun! Homer, stop him! Stop who, Marge? Be specific.
Time to get my mischief on.
(chuckles) Let's start with a little federal crime.
(laughs) Oh, thank God! I can get back the angry letter I wrote to my boss.
I really didn't want that subscription to The Atlantic.
Yes, and this patent application for a robot dog could use a bit more tinkering.
With the biting and the chewing on my tuchus.
Oh, the laser eyes! Why did I give it to him? What the? I tried to do bad and I did good.
Haw-haw.
Keys to the Duff Brewery? Where'd you get those? Well, it might have been the time when Duffman doesn't need Duff to have fun.
Seriously, you got any beer? No.
I heard drowning makes you feel like you're drunk.
Or maybe I just found them on the ground.
(whistle blows) Wow! The guys at the AA meeting will never believe this.
Oh, my God, there's the fire brewer.
The beech wood ager! The rat filter! (rats squeaking) The Duff blimp! Oh, how I'd love to drive that thing! (gasps) Really, Duff blimp? You really want me to? Oh, what the hell.
Life is made to be lived.
I've been buttoned down too long! (laughs) (laughs) Hey, Homer, I really had you going there, huh? Homer? When we see each other again, you'll be an old man and I'll be a baby! And these are from sardine cans your father opened.
He saved them out of sentimental value.
Oh.
I'll return this to the school.
Well, Maggie, one key left for us.
Hmm.
This looks like it's from a windup toy.
(humming) Hmm, I hope I haven't stumbled onto my anniversary present.
(toy farting) (phone ringing) Homer? Oh.
Could you please turn down those blimp engines and tell me where you are?! (farting) I'll call you back.
Come back, Pooter Toot! People might be offended by your mild tastelessness! (chuckles) Oh, isn't that a cute little choo-choo (screams) (sighs): Oh.
Daddy, did you make that devil's music? It wasn't me, boys.
It was the train.
What train, Daddy? It-It was right there.
With the and the you know, the Jesus cries blood every time you lie.
(groans): Oh.
Hey, Lisa.
What you doing? Returning this lost key to Principal Skinner.
But that key could open any door in the school.
Aren't you curious? Well, maybe a little.
But I'd never break the rules.
Little Miss Play-It-Safe.
Have a nice day.
Just like yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that (over P.
A.
): and the day before that and the day before that SKINNER: Nelson, either tell them what they're having for lunch or get off the P.
A.
NELSON: Sloppy Joes! and the day before that Tater tots! and the day before that Ooh, banned books! (gasps) Band books! (gasps) Could this key open? Get thee behind me Namuche! That's the Buddhist Satan.
Let's give it a shot.
No problem; just some cobwebs.
(screams) (gasps) I've discovered a mystery wrapped in a riddle in the basement of a lousy school! It's like five classrooms in one.
A science room, student lounge, mathnasium.
(gasps) An experimental theater all set for a production of Samuel Beckett's Endgame.
(gasps) A pull-down map of nothing? And this ruler is unmarked, and the tabs on this pop-up book have no effect.
And this tooth has no dentin! Everything is fake.
What is going on?! Mother, it is my birthday, not our anniversary.
Principal Skinner, do you know anything about a bizarre hidden classroom underneath the school? Mother, I have work to do.
Well, it's work if they pay you.
They say they're going to.
Lisa, I know every moldy inch of this unaccredited school, but I have never seen such a thing as you describe.
It's real! I can show you.
Well, I have a very busy schedule, but Myra, cancel all my appointments.
You're just pressing a Mento.
Very true.
Okay, let's go.
Hmm.
Is it drinking and driving if you're flying a blimp? Maybe I can find the answer by texting.
Yo, Lenny, do you know anything about driving a blimp while intoxica What was that? (toy farting) Uh-oh.
(farting continues) This train is mocking our intestinal distress! I don't think I've ever felt this irritable.
Excuse me.
Has anyone seen my toy? You mean your windup hate crime? Ooh! (panting) And now, without further ado, I give you this.
(camera clicks) (gasps): What?! "One Thousand and One Vulgar Marching Band Formations.
" (scoffs) Truly these band books deserve to be banned.
I swear, there was a room here.
Lisa, Lisa, go home, relax.
Try to do some kid things.
You know, with a ball or something.
Or decorate your sneakers with a Magic-brand marker.
(groans): Oh.
(camera clicks) (laughs) Maybe this key will be the key to putting the "key" in anarchy.
Last place anybody would expect to see a moon: the sky.
(chuckles) (people gasping) Ow! (howling) MATRONS: Why, we never! (sighs) Good-bye, cruel world! (grunts) I'm alive! And you're my naked fairy-god-boy.
Aw, geez, I hope no one heard you say that.
And so, to this naked fairy-god-boy, I present the key to the city.
Now do us a favor and lower your pants for the picture.
Oh! Lisa Simpson may be onto us.
I oversee 14 schools, Seymour, and for some reason, I always find myself talking to you about one of the Simpsons kids! Now Oh, my God, there she is.
Act natural.
Act natural! Oh.
Oh, hello, student.
Um, we were just standing here discussing how we have no, uh, secrets.
And nothing to hide.
I'll just take that key back now.
What? No! Give me that! (both grunting) Ah! Backing away from something, Lisa? (Homer screaming) I've got to get back in that room, but Skinner took away the only key.
What would Nancy Drew do? Oh, don't you worry.
I'll get my friends The Hardy Boys to help.
(gasps) Extra! Read all about it! Lisa's a liar! Pants on fire! (Lisa groans) (siren wailing) Pull over before somebody gets hurt! HOMER: So long, suckers! Oh! Oh, the Zoomanity! Aha! Hi, my name is Lisa Simpson.
Ah, yes, the Simpsons: a notch and a bump, two notches and a bump.
That's us.
Do you think you could reproduce the key in this photo? Yeah, but it's gonna cost ya.
How much? $1.
85.
If you want that little plastic ring around it, now that's gonna cost you another seven cents.
Keep the change.
Yes, ma'am! (school bell rings) (kids chattering excitedly) How did this bookshelf get here so fast? I bet it's shoddy.
What do you think of that, Nancy Drew? Geez, they're dropping like flies.
"The children are on bus 23.
" (screams) (gasps) (groans) I'm so sick of keys.
They've brought nothing but good luck since I got them.
(grunts) Brandine, I think we finally gots us something to cut off that umbrilical cord.
Well, then you got one more mouth to feed.
Y'all want some chocolate milk? Yes, Mama.
You got it, Embry-Joe.
Mmm! That wisenheimer windup toy could be anywhere.
(toy farting) Hmm? (gasps) Chief Wiggum, stop that train! (grunting) Things on the ground are out of my jurisdiction.
Oh, not through my legs.
Oh, that's really rubbin' it in.
(laughs) Ah.
Maybe if I use a pen.
(grunts) Aw, geez, here comes that girl I always liked in high school.
Clancy, is that you? Oh, uh, hey, Maryann! Uh, how are you at getting pants off the ground? Skinner's involved in this, deep.
Crazy classroom, bus full of missing kids I know who'd have some answers.
Someone who's been here a long, long time.
Yeah, I've been held back more times than I can count.
Which I guess is why I keep getting held back.
You know anything about Bus 23? Whoa, Goldilocks! You best be leaving those bowls of porridge alone.
There's only one bed that's just right for me, the bed with the truth in it.
Which is probably the third one.
All right, I'll tell you.
I'll tell you about Bus 23.
It was a cold winter-- two-vest cold.
A bus was loaded with kids for a field trip.
I was gonna shake 'em down for field trip money, but what I heard shook me worse than my dad when I was a baby.
Sir, this bus is too heavy to cross the ice bridge.
They'll have to take a more circuitous route.
There's no time to be safe! Now bang the side of that bus! Bang it twice! NELSON: That bus never came back.
So the answer to our mystery lies on the other side of that ice bridge.
But it's summertime.
The ice bridge will be a water nothing.
Hey, kids! If I tossed you guys a bucket full of something, could you pour it out and toss the bucket back up? Don't drink it! That's where the ice bridge would be.
Go down! (nervous grunting) (Homer screams) Dad, stop! But, oh, there's so many buttons! (grunts) (screaming) Ooh! (screaming) (screams) Bart, take the controls! What video game is this like? Blimp Assassin 3.
For Wii or Xbox? Xbox.
Original or 360? Fly the blimp, you spoiled kid! (gasps) I'll save you, honey! Boy, stomp on my head! Yes! And I've got gum on my shoe! You're a real jerk! (panting) Why you undead little! That's not a real arm, it's plastic.
That doesn't mean you're any better than him, young lady.
He could be a war hero.
No, I mean they're mannequins.
Oh, there's nothing I can do to save my sister, the blimp or this airship.
(farting) (both gasping) (toy farting) (laughing) (sobbing) It's all pooted out.
Oh, I'm sorry, Homie.
It's worse than you think.
I have to buy you a new anniversary present! (groans) Skinner and Chalmers loaded that bus with those kids.
But why? I can tell you why.
(gasps) Otto? Are you the one who left the message on the blackboard? Yeah, it was me.
I was the bus driver when those sweet young angels were swallowed up by the river.
(sobbing) Now I'm gonna join them! Otto, they're just mannequins! Then I'm not responsible for a horrible tragedy.
And I didn't do anything wrong by fleeing the scene and not reporting it and killing that hobo with the big mouth.
I might have imagined that last part.
Skinner! When I say "Drive us to Bolivia," that is your cue to start the damn car! I can't find the key! Looking for something? Yes, my car key.
Does it look like this? Yes, quite a bit.
He's got your key, Seymour.
I suppose you'll want to know why this all happened.
Picture what I'm describing in your minds.
Years ago, we received a government grant to improve the school.
Unfortunately, I cashed it, and the money was in my pants when Mother did the laundry.
But these pants were good for another day.
That's not your decision.
I'm the boss of my own laundry.
Well, you don't have to sleep next to you! CHALMERS: To keep the feds from coming after us, we built the phony schoolrooms that you saw.
LISA: So all you had to do was fill the class with mannequins and take a few pictures.
CHALMERS: Yes, except for one small glitch: we could only afford to rent the mannequins.
(Homer gasps) SKINNER: If we didn't get them back by 5:00, we'd be charged for the extra day.
CHALMERS: And they didn't prorate.
(Homer gasps) Otto, maybe it was wrong of us to let you think you killed 24 children.
Who can say? Well, there's two things you didn't count on: my dad getting a giant wedding cake and my sister locking herself in the car.
We planned for the wedding cake, we just didn't see the baby thing coming.
Well, you should've.
How could I? She wasn't even born yet.
People have babies! (tires screeching) Not to worry.
They're just mannequins.
No, we're not! OTTO: Maybe we'll fall real slow like Inception.
Oop, guess not.
Shh!
Aw That one there-- bride's dad made a racist toast.
(clicking tongue) She wanted a cake with blue rosettes, he slept with her sister.
Cake, will you do me the honor of making my stomach the happiest bag of acid in the world? You will?! (horns honking) Time for a shortcut.
(tires screeching) Woo-hoo! Dad, the cake! Dad, our lives! Fine.
(bleating) Uh-oh, they've got the right-of-way! Morning.
Guten Tag.
(all sigh) (humming) (tapping) Who's alone in the vehicle? Maggie's locked in! With the keys! HOMER: Oh! What's wrong? Uh, first the good news.
Two of your kids are not locked in the car.
Maggie! (screams) (sighs) (yawns) We've got to get her out of there! Babies aren't supposed to sleep on their stomach on a cake.
Okay, okay, the spare key is somewhere in here.
What's this key with the plastic skull for? That's the key to my box with the real skull.
(both gasp) Maggie! So how come we have all these other keys? Well, if you live long enough, you start to accumulate things.
This is from a gas station men's room.
They put the block of wood on it so you don't walk away with it.
These are from a key party we went to before we realized what a key party was.
We got out of there just in time.
(disco music playing) Aw, come on.
You'll miss all the sex.
Uh, this key opens your parrot cage.
Rules are rules.
(groans) And these keys are from all my jobs.
MARGE: At some point, we should try to return these keys to their rightful owners.
Are you nuts? Let's have some fun! Homer, stop him! Stop who, Marge? Be specific.
Time to get my mischief on.
(chuckles) Let's start with a little federal crime.
(laughs) Oh, thank God! I can get back the angry letter I wrote to my boss.
I really didn't want that subscription to The Atlantic.
Yes, and this patent application for a robot dog could use a bit more tinkering.
With the biting and the chewing on my tuchus.
Oh, the laser eyes! Why did I give it to him? What the? I tried to do bad and I did good.
Haw-haw.
Keys to the Duff Brewery? Where'd you get those? Well, it might have been the time when Duffman doesn't need Duff to have fun.
Seriously, you got any beer? No.
I heard drowning makes you feel like you're drunk.
Or maybe I just found them on the ground.
(whistle blows) Wow! The guys at the AA meeting will never believe this.
Oh, my God, there's the fire brewer.
The beech wood ager! The rat filter! (rats squeaking) The Duff blimp! Oh, how I'd love to drive that thing! (gasps) Really, Duff blimp? You really want me to? Oh, what the hell.
Life is made to be lived.
I've been buttoned down too long! (laughs) (laughs) Hey, Homer, I really had you going there, huh? Homer? When we see each other again, you'll be an old man and I'll be a baby! And these are from sardine cans your father opened.
He saved them out of sentimental value.
Oh.
I'll return this to the school.
Well, Maggie, one key left for us.
Hmm.
This looks like it's from a windup toy.
(humming) Hmm, I hope I haven't stumbled onto my anniversary present.
(toy farting) (phone ringing) Homer? Oh.
Could you please turn down those blimp engines and tell me where you are?! (farting) I'll call you back.
Come back, Pooter Toot! People might be offended by your mild tastelessness! (chuckles) Oh, isn't that a cute little choo-choo (screams) (sighs): Oh.
Daddy, did you make that devil's music? It wasn't me, boys.
It was the train.
What train, Daddy? It-It was right there.
With the and the you know, the Jesus cries blood every time you lie.
(groans): Oh.
Hey, Lisa.
What you doing? Returning this lost key to Principal Skinner.
But that key could open any door in the school.
Aren't you curious? Well, maybe a little.
But I'd never break the rules.
Little Miss Play-It-Safe.
Have a nice day.
Just like yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that (over P.
A.
): and the day before that and the day before that SKINNER: Nelson, either tell them what they're having for lunch or get off the P.
A.
NELSON: Sloppy Joes! and the day before that Tater tots! and the day before that Ooh, banned books! (gasps) Band books! (gasps) Could this key open? Get thee behind me Namuche! That's the Buddhist Satan.
Let's give it a shot.
No problem; just some cobwebs.
(screams) (gasps) I've discovered a mystery wrapped in a riddle in the basement of a lousy school! It's like five classrooms in one.
A science room, student lounge, mathnasium.
(gasps) An experimental theater all set for a production of Samuel Beckett's Endgame.
(gasps) A pull-down map of nothing? And this ruler is unmarked, and the tabs on this pop-up book have no effect.
And this tooth has no dentin! Everything is fake.
What is going on?! Mother, it is my birthday, not our anniversary.
Principal Skinner, do you know anything about a bizarre hidden classroom underneath the school? Mother, I have work to do.
Well, it's work if they pay you.
They say they're going to.
Lisa, I know every moldy inch of this unaccredited school, but I have never seen such a thing as you describe.
It's real! I can show you.
Well, I have a very busy schedule, but Myra, cancel all my appointments.
You're just pressing a Mento.
Very true.
Okay, let's go.
Hmm.
Is it drinking and driving if you're flying a blimp? Maybe I can find the answer by texting.
Yo, Lenny, do you know anything about driving a blimp while intoxica What was that? (toy farting) Uh-oh.
(farting continues) This train is mocking our intestinal distress! I don't think I've ever felt this irritable.
Excuse me.
Has anyone seen my toy? You mean your windup hate crime? Ooh! (panting) And now, without further ado, I give you this.
(camera clicks) (gasps): What?! "One Thousand and One Vulgar Marching Band Formations.
" (scoffs) Truly these band books deserve to be banned.
I swear, there was a room here.
Lisa, Lisa, go home, relax.
Try to do some kid things.
You know, with a ball or something.
Or decorate your sneakers with a Magic-brand marker.
(groans): Oh.
(camera clicks) (laughs) Maybe this key will be the key to putting the "key" in anarchy.
Last place anybody would expect to see a moon: the sky.
(chuckles) (people gasping) Ow! (howling) MATRONS: Why, we never! (sighs) Good-bye, cruel world! (grunts) I'm alive! And you're my naked fairy-god-boy.
Aw, geez, I hope no one heard you say that.
And so, to this naked fairy-god-boy, I present the key to the city.
Now do us a favor and lower your pants for the picture.
Oh! Lisa Simpson may be onto us.
I oversee 14 schools, Seymour, and for some reason, I always find myself talking to you about one of the Simpsons kids! Now Oh, my God, there she is.
Act natural.
Act natural! Oh.
Oh, hello, student.
Um, we were just standing here discussing how we have no, uh, secrets.
And nothing to hide.
I'll just take that key back now.
What? No! Give me that! (both grunting) Ah! Backing away from something, Lisa? (Homer screaming) I've got to get back in that room, but Skinner took away the only key.
What would Nancy Drew do? Oh, don't you worry.
I'll get my friends The Hardy Boys to help.
(gasps) Extra! Read all about it! Lisa's a liar! Pants on fire! (Lisa groans) (siren wailing) Pull over before somebody gets hurt! HOMER: So long, suckers! Oh! Oh, the Zoomanity! Aha! Hi, my name is Lisa Simpson.
Ah, yes, the Simpsons: a notch and a bump, two notches and a bump.
That's us.
Do you think you could reproduce the key in this photo? Yeah, but it's gonna cost ya.
How much? $1.
85.
If you want that little plastic ring around it, now that's gonna cost you another seven cents.
Keep the change.
Yes, ma'am! (school bell rings) (kids chattering excitedly) How did this bookshelf get here so fast? I bet it's shoddy.
What do you think of that, Nancy Drew? Geez, they're dropping like flies.
"The children are on bus 23.
" (screams) (gasps) (groans) I'm so sick of keys.
They've brought nothing but good luck since I got them.
(grunts) Brandine, I think we finally gots us something to cut off that umbrilical cord.
Well, then you got one more mouth to feed.
Y'all want some chocolate milk? Yes, Mama.
You got it, Embry-Joe.
Mmm! That wisenheimer windup toy could be anywhere.
(toy farting) Hmm? (gasps) Chief Wiggum, stop that train! (grunting) Things on the ground are out of my jurisdiction.
Oh, not through my legs.
Oh, that's really rubbin' it in.
(laughs) Ah.
Maybe if I use a pen.
(grunts) Aw, geez, here comes that girl I always liked in high school.
Clancy, is that you? Oh, uh, hey, Maryann! Uh, how are you at getting pants off the ground? Skinner's involved in this, deep.
Crazy classroom, bus full of missing kids I know who'd have some answers.
Someone who's been here a long, long time.
Yeah, I've been held back more times than I can count.
Which I guess is why I keep getting held back.
You know anything about Bus 23? Whoa, Goldilocks! You best be leaving those bowls of porridge alone.
There's only one bed that's just right for me, the bed with the truth in it.
Which is probably the third one.
All right, I'll tell you.
I'll tell you about Bus 23.
It was a cold winter-- two-vest cold.
A bus was loaded with kids for a field trip.
I was gonna shake 'em down for field trip money, but what I heard shook me worse than my dad when I was a baby.
Sir, this bus is too heavy to cross the ice bridge.
They'll have to take a more circuitous route.
There's no time to be safe! Now bang the side of that bus! Bang it twice! NELSON: That bus never came back.
So the answer to our mystery lies on the other side of that ice bridge.
But it's summertime.
The ice bridge will be a water nothing.
Hey, kids! If I tossed you guys a bucket full of something, could you pour it out and toss the bucket back up? Don't drink it! That's where the ice bridge would be.
Go down! (nervous grunting) (Homer screams) Dad, stop! But, oh, there's so many buttons! (grunts) (screaming) Ooh! (screaming) (screams) Bart, take the controls! What video game is this like? Blimp Assassin 3.
For Wii or Xbox? Xbox.
Original or 360? Fly the blimp, you spoiled kid! (gasps) I'll save you, honey! Boy, stomp on my head! Yes! And I've got gum on my shoe! You're a real jerk! (panting) Why you undead little! That's not a real arm, it's plastic.
That doesn't mean you're any better than him, young lady.
He could be a war hero.
No, I mean they're mannequins.
Oh, there's nothing I can do to save my sister, the blimp or this airship.
(farting) (both gasping) (toy farting) (laughing) (sobbing) It's all pooted out.
Oh, I'm sorry, Homie.
It's worse than you think.
I have to buy you a new anniversary present! (groans) Skinner and Chalmers loaded that bus with those kids.
But why? I can tell you why.
(gasps) Otto? Are you the one who left the message on the blackboard? Yeah, it was me.
I was the bus driver when those sweet young angels were swallowed up by the river.
(sobbing) Now I'm gonna join them! Otto, they're just mannequins! Then I'm not responsible for a horrible tragedy.
And I didn't do anything wrong by fleeing the scene and not reporting it and killing that hobo with the big mouth.
I might have imagined that last part.
Skinner! When I say "Drive us to Bolivia," that is your cue to start the damn car! I can't find the key! Looking for something? Yes, my car key.
Does it look like this? Yes, quite a bit.
He's got your key, Seymour.
I suppose you'll want to know why this all happened.
Picture what I'm describing in your minds.
Years ago, we received a government grant to improve the school.
Unfortunately, I cashed it, and the money was in my pants when Mother did the laundry.
But these pants were good for another day.
That's not your decision.
I'm the boss of my own laundry.
Well, you don't have to sleep next to you! CHALMERS: To keep the feds from coming after us, we built the phony schoolrooms that you saw.
LISA: So all you had to do was fill the class with mannequins and take a few pictures.
CHALMERS: Yes, except for one small glitch: we could only afford to rent the mannequins.
(Homer gasps) SKINNER: If we didn't get them back by 5:00, we'd be charged for the extra day.
CHALMERS: And they didn't prorate.
(Homer gasps) Otto, maybe it was wrong of us to let you think you killed 24 children.
Who can say? Well, there's two things you didn't count on: my dad getting a giant wedding cake and my sister locking herself in the car.
We planned for the wedding cake, we just didn't see the baby thing coming.
Well, you should've.
How could I? She wasn't even born yet.
People have babies! (tires screeching) Not to worry.
They're just mannequins.
No, we're not! OTTO: Maybe we'll fall real slow like Inception.
Oop, guess not.
Shh!