The Simpsons s26e10 Episode Script
The Man Who Came to Be Dinner
Whoa! (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (piano playing softly) (static, explosion) And in other news (all sigh happily) BOTH: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? No.
Are we there yet? No! Are we there yet? I said no! Are we there yet? What's wrong with your ears? Are we there yet? Look out the window! Are we there yet? We're not there! Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Okay.
We're there.
Finally.
Are we there yet? Huh? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Damn technology! Are we there yet? Turn it off! We did.
This is us.
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? (anguished scream) (laughter) HOMER: Ooh, a spot.
Okay, remember we're parked in the "Ethnic Princess" section.
(horn honking) HOMER: Don't worry, this time I'm gonna write down where I parked.
(crowd shouting) (screams) Look! I see land! (cheering) Mama! We made it! Mama? No! You planted that on me, man! (screaming) Sorry.
No outside pacifiers.
Fine, but I'm not paying for the insurance.
Oh, what the hell? Give me the insurance.
(sizzles) Come on, Maggie.
The first ride we go on will be for you.
ROOFI: Riding on a bug Riding on a bug You'd rather be in school Than riding on a bug Riding on a bug Riding on a bug You'd rather be in school Bug be damned! (gasps) Than riding on a bug Ay, caramba! Don't get off the bug Don't get off the bug Certain death awaits If you get off the bug (ripping) Welcome to the bug, welcome to (groans) (groaning) (gun clicks) (heroic music plays) Whoa, this place sure has changed since Dizznee bought the rights to Cosmic Wars.
(bluegrass music playing) BART: Oh, geez! (mechanical whirring) Purchased for $4 billion, I was.
Yet still hoodie ragged, wear I do, this.
Pirates of the Caribbean! Huh? They revamped this ride because of massive complaints from two people.
No means no We know now No means no We know now (high-pitched): Ha-ha! My cartoons weren't good, they were just first! ALL: Ooh! Not enough ketchup.
(groans) We've been here six hours and the coolest thing we've done is stand in the Cool Zone.
ANNOUNCER: The Cool Zone is beyond maximum capacity.
Disperse, disperse.
(crowd grumbling) (screaming) (sighing happily) How about that one? (excited shouting) (screaming) Ooh, I don't like the end sounds on that.
ANNOUNCER: By 1994, we'll have drive-in theaters on Neptune! Life magazine will be (slowly): And your telegrams will be delivered by jetpa Well, that's it.
We've visited every section including Churro County, Toonton Abbey, but you know what we haven't had here? I'll tell you: fun.
The kind of fun attractive families have in commercials.
Hey, Dad, I see a ride that actually looks decent.
I just want to sit down, but the line for the bench is too long.
No, look, it's a ride that just opened and no one's there.
Dad, I don't know about this.
It's not on the park map.
Lisa, those maps were drawn by the first explorers of this theme park, hundreds of years ago.
Let's go.
KANG: Assume a sitting position.
KODOS: One seat per human.
Come on, start this thing! I'm not impressed.
This is so fake.
HOMER: Uh-oh.
ALL: Ooh! We've left Earth's atmosphere.
Prove it.
(squeals) BART AND LISA: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Welcome, humans.
There is nothing to fear.
I am Kang the Abductor.
What the? This isn't Halloween.
Are we truly in space? And if so, why? All will be revealed in time, unsuspecting humans.
Why does the last thing you say sound so ominous? It's just the way we speak, easily reassured fool.
(sighing happily) Oh! Yeah, that's good.
We shall now attend to the complex calculations of hyperspace.
(chuckling) Hey, Captain Squid! If you really want to be nice to us, how about some snacks? Whatever you say shall materialize.
Potato chips.
("Blue Danube Waltz" playing) D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Stupid kid, you ruin every trip! Hokey Smokes! I can't survive in these conditions! Whoa! (sighs) Hmm! (grunts) Hmm! (laughs) Homer, please.
That's creeping me out.
D'oh! (chuckles) Let me just There you are, just like new, not a freak of nature.
Wow, look at all these knobs and buttons.
They are clearly a superior race.
But maybe that means they'll be nice to us.
You mean like Europeans were to the Native Americans? Or the Belgians were to the Congo? That's right.
Pick the only two times in history where things got messy.
We have begun our descent to our home planet.
Please turn off all portable electronic devices.
Who's gonna stop me? Perhaps you haven't noticed the air marshal.
Have your cups lost their suck? Slipped on some drool? Larry H.
Zeeblezorp will have you rolling in space credits.
Wow.
This place is completely alien, but everything's in English.
Just like Canada.
Can I turn my phone on? KODOS: Not yet.
Now what? I say we take this bucket home! To Earth! (engine not starting) Come on.
Come on, you son of a Thanks for flooding it.
(engine not starting) (groans) Take these pills, and you can breathe our atmosphere.
Are there any side effects? Yes, I'm afraid you will never develop tentacles.
(groans) Behold the wonders of our world.
Purple landscape, purple trees.
Yeah, you really went with the purple theme.
We can change it at will.
Now look upward to see our seven suns.
(gasps) So, you use a lot of solar energy? We have federal rebates for the panels, but few take advantage of them.
Now we shall show you the sacred mysteries of our life cycle.
Behold, our miracle of birth.
Each birth is followed by another birth just seconds later.
(groans) (all groaning) And finally, a sadder slice of our lives.
Gaze upon the dead being dumped into a river of their own drool.
(bagpipes playing) Farewell, dear friends, on your sacred journey to the chopper-upper.
Aw.
Why are you sharing all this with us? Because we want you to fully appreciate the planet that you will never leave! (gasping) Wait, are you telling me we're prisoners in this cage? Okay, take five.
(dissonant bagpipe chord) (screeching) Don't look at them.
You can see those birds any time.
(meows) (screaming) Right hand red! Aah! I win.
I think.
(grunts) Would you like one of our toys? Thanks.
Why did you do that? I thought it was a ball.
That is the one thing it can never be.
(plays instrument out of tune) Don't be alarmed.
I am a trained humanologist.
Let me just check your heart.
All well and good.
You obviously exercise.
(nasally): See, Marge? Anything you need? Perhaps you'd care to have your ink gland expressed.
You're the doctor.
Homer! You have to stop dropping your pants for everyone who claims they're a doctor.
Fine.
Now, I am here to complete your knowledge of our great and generous species.
Are you the guy that talks nice before they kill us? Eh, we'll come back to that.
As young thinglings, we are schooled in the wisdom of the universe.
Physics, mathematics, FORTRAN the greatest of the programming languages! And now the part that is difficult to tell you.
At the end of a life well-lived, there is one final ritual.
We must eat one of you.
(all gasp) But we'll let you have the fun of picking which one.
(laughs) There's only one fair solution.
We have to put it to a vote.
Before we vote, I'd just like to point out in Sophie's Choice, she saved the boy.
(humming a tune) This isn't a happy thing! Here you go.
Okay.
What the?! D'oh! Well, we haven't heard from Maggie yet.
Now, what the? (scoffs) Gibberish, pure gibberish.
You're the last vote, Homie.
(groaning) 'Tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before.
Hey, look, Maggie made you a farewell card.
That kid's got talent, but come on! Now do you see why I'm a vegetarian, Dad? I get it, Lisa.
I finally get it.
You do get a last meal.
I'd like rabbit, lots of rabbit.
Ah.
Welcome to the World Series of Chomping.
This annual consumption ritual is brought to you by scalp salt.
From the same wonderful folks who make elbow pepper and groin gravy.
Here comes sacrifice Homer Simpson.
His hobbies include sitting, lying down, and reaching for things without success.
Come on, folks, let's put your eyelids together! (eyelids clapping) Doesn't your culture say anything about mercy? Madam, you are speaking to the kindest and gentlest of us all.
Let's see: skull crusher, skin peeler, eyeball popper, scream collector (gasps) Got it.
Our elder Klaunax has been chosen for our ceremonial first bite, after which Homer Simpson will be dipped into a spicy cheese fondue.
"Fondue"? Welcome to a faculty dinner party in 1979.
Silence! And celebrate the Solstice of Slobbering to the sounds of the Rigel 7 Children's Choir.
Tasty creature We salute you (all slurp) For your juicy Sacrifice.
(all slurp) (groaning) (laughing) (grunting) A transporter beam! Someone is trying to steal our sacrifice.
Yes! This mysterious tube can only lead to somewhere good.
So long, you stupid slobbering What the?! (grunting) And away we go! (sighs) Way to go, George Mucus.
The fattest, stupidest man on Earth slipped right through your sticky tentacles.
Why, you little! What is this baffling construct? It's called a knot.
A not what? "Knot" with a "K.
" Ks are silent? Really? I've been saying kitchen.
That's correct.
BOTH: Huh? (Homer gasps) MALE: Do not fear.
You are among friends.
We are the resistance.
We don't believe in the barbaric consumption of other species.
So, what do you eat-- space broccoli? Space broccoli has the most advanced feelings of any creature in the universe.
I stepped on a piece once, and it cried for six years.
Frankly, they are a little full of themselves.
Who are you talking about? Um, earth broccoli.
Yeah, I hate those guys.
They think they're so big.
Let's go, Homer.
Where are you taking me? You are about to behold the secret rebel base.
Aah! Whee! Yeah! Why are they dancing? Shouldn't they be making weapons? This is excellent training for the party we will throw when our rebellion succeeds.
(music stops) MALE: Oh, turn the music back on.
In a minute! First, noble human Homer Simpson will explain his primitive yet beautiful culture.
(bird caws) But perhaps Earth's greatest achievement is moon rocks.
Oh, radio.
(all oohing) Truly a species with much to offer.
MALE: Seriously? Are we listening to the same guy? Silence! Homer, we will get you back to Earth.
What about my family? Why do you care? It's just your sex mate and spermlings.
"Sex mate"? (laughs) Clearly you've never been married.
But it's great, I'm telling you.
Unfortunately, we only had the means to build the spaceship for one.
We spent most of our money on the party.
Well, it is a great party.
The pod is equipped to fulfill your deepest desires.
Just concentrate.
Suddenly, this trip has gotten interesting.
(gasps) What the?! Oh, who am I kidding? I couldn't enjoy calorie one without my family.
I'm going back to save them! Aw, if I could just live inside that head, so full of noble thoughts.
(growls, grunting) The golden rule states if the chosen one escapes, his family is eaten as forfeit.
What do your rules say now? That all will be eaten.
D'oh! This system is really rigged against us.
(Bart and Marge groan) You forgot to glaze me.
No, I didn't.
You licked it off! I think somebody's afraid to admit he's out of glaze.
(groans) Glaze, please.
(growls) Make way for the queen! I shall take the first bite.
It is quite an honor.
(whimpering) What's that? Part of your magnificent behind.
We sliced it off when you were sleeping.
It does look delicious.
(gasps) What is it, my queen? This ass is most disagreeable.
(gurgles) The creatures are composed of completely indigestible toxins.
These humans have been poisoned by their unhealthy fast-food diet.
Um, are you sure you don't want to try me again? You? Your lunches of hummus and rice cakes combine in your stomach to form formaldehyde and animal fat.
Really? But I thought You'd be better off chewing tobacco like the boy.
What?! Dad said I could try it.
Homer! Don't you people realize your queen is dying? I'm afraid the lardo speaks the truth, Your Majesty.
It's all right.
I have seen many glories and have only one regret.
That my breasts aren't bigger.
I don't see any breasts.
And those will be the last words I ever hear.
(grunts) Useless humans! We will send you back to your planet, and your memories will fade.
So, it will be as if none of this ever happened! Captain's log, stardate 65848.
2.
After successfully conquering the Rigelians Right, "conquering.
" Well, at least Maggie can fly us home.
Thank God it's just like her busy box.
Well, I guess we've learned that of all the countless planets in the universe, we have evolved into the most inedible species.
Like three-bean salad at a barbecue, we will remain untouched.
We're receiving a transmission from an unknown source.
Hey, I finally tracked you down! My oatmeal's gone cold.
The cat ate my heart medicine.
I'm engaged to my nurse Set a course, Mr.
Maggie.
Anywhere but home.
HOMER: D'oh! (Star Trek theme playing)
Are we there yet? No! Are we there yet? I said no! Are we there yet? What's wrong with your ears? Are we there yet? Look out the window! Are we there yet? We're not there! Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Okay.
We're there.
Finally.
Are we there yet? Huh? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Damn technology! Are we there yet? Turn it off! We did.
This is us.
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? (anguished scream) (laughter) HOMER: Ooh, a spot.
Okay, remember we're parked in the "Ethnic Princess" section.
(horn honking) HOMER: Don't worry, this time I'm gonna write down where I parked.
(crowd shouting) (screams) Look! I see land! (cheering) Mama! We made it! Mama? No! You planted that on me, man! (screaming) Sorry.
No outside pacifiers.
Fine, but I'm not paying for the insurance.
Oh, what the hell? Give me the insurance.
(sizzles) Come on, Maggie.
The first ride we go on will be for you.
ROOFI: Riding on a bug Riding on a bug You'd rather be in school Than riding on a bug Riding on a bug Riding on a bug You'd rather be in school Bug be damned! (gasps) Than riding on a bug Ay, caramba! Don't get off the bug Don't get off the bug Certain death awaits If you get off the bug (ripping) Welcome to the bug, welcome to (groans) (groaning) (gun clicks) (heroic music plays) Whoa, this place sure has changed since Dizznee bought the rights to Cosmic Wars.
(bluegrass music playing) BART: Oh, geez! (mechanical whirring) Purchased for $4 billion, I was.
Yet still hoodie ragged, wear I do, this.
Pirates of the Caribbean! Huh? They revamped this ride because of massive complaints from two people.
No means no We know now No means no We know now (high-pitched): Ha-ha! My cartoons weren't good, they were just first! ALL: Ooh! Not enough ketchup.
(groans) We've been here six hours and the coolest thing we've done is stand in the Cool Zone.
ANNOUNCER: The Cool Zone is beyond maximum capacity.
Disperse, disperse.
(crowd grumbling) (screaming) (sighing happily) How about that one? (excited shouting) (screaming) Ooh, I don't like the end sounds on that.
ANNOUNCER: By 1994, we'll have drive-in theaters on Neptune! Life magazine will be (slowly): And your telegrams will be delivered by jetpa Well, that's it.
We've visited every section including Churro County, Toonton Abbey, but you know what we haven't had here? I'll tell you: fun.
The kind of fun attractive families have in commercials.
Hey, Dad, I see a ride that actually looks decent.
I just want to sit down, but the line for the bench is too long.
No, look, it's a ride that just opened and no one's there.
Dad, I don't know about this.
It's not on the park map.
Lisa, those maps were drawn by the first explorers of this theme park, hundreds of years ago.
Let's go.
KANG: Assume a sitting position.
KODOS: One seat per human.
Come on, start this thing! I'm not impressed.
This is so fake.
HOMER: Uh-oh.
ALL: Ooh! We've left Earth's atmosphere.
Prove it.
(squeals) BART AND LISA: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Welcome, humans.
There is nothing to fear.
I am Kang the Abductor.
What the? This isn't Halloween.
Are we truly in space? And if so, why? All will be revealed in time, unsuspecting humans.
Why does the last thing you say sound so ominous? It's just the way we speak, easily reassured fool.
(sighing happily) Oh! Yeah, that's good.
We shall now attend to the complex calculations of hyperspace.
(chuckling) Hey, Captain Squid! If you really want to be nice to us, how about some snacks? Whatever you say shall materialize.
Potato chips.
("Blue Danube Waltz" playing) D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Stupid kid, you ruin every trip! Hokey Smokes! I can't survive in these conditions! Whoa! (sighs) Hmm! (grunts) Hmm! (laughs) Homer, please.
That's creeping me out.
D'oh! (chuckles) Let me just There you are, just like new, not a freak of nature.
Wow, look at all these knobs and buttons.
They are clearly a superior race.
But maybe that means they'll be nice to us.
You mean like Europeans were to the Native Americans? Or the Belgians were to the Congo? That's right.
Pick the only two times in history where things got messy.
We have begun our descent to our home planet.
Please turn off all portable electronic devices.
Who's gonna stop me? Perhaps you haven't noticed the air marshal.
Have your cups lost their suck? Slipped on some drool? Larry H.
Zeeblezorp will have you rolling in space credits.
Wow.
This place is completely alien, but everything's in English.
Just like Canada.
Can I turn my phone on? KODOS: Not yet.
Now what? I say we take this bucket home! To Earth! (engine not starting) Come on.
Come on, you son of a Thanks for flooding it.
(engine not starting) (groans) Take these pills, and you can breathe our atmosphere.
Are there any side effects? Yes, I'm afraid you will never develop tentacles.
(groans) Behold the wonders of our world.
Purple landscape, purple trees.
Yeah, you really went with the purple theme.
We can change it at will.
Now look upward to see our seven suns.
(gasps) So, you use a lot of solar energy? We have federal rebates for the panels, but few take advantage of them.
Now we shall show you the sacred mysteries of our life cycle.
Behold, our miracle of birth.
Each birth is followed by another birth just seconds later.
(groans) (all groaning) And finally, a sadder slice of our lives.
Gaze upon the dead being dumped into a river of their own drool.
(bagpipes playing) Farewell, dear friends, on your sacred journey to the chopper-upper.
Aw.
Why are you sharing all this with us? Because we want you to fully appreciate the planet that you will never leave! (gasping) Wait, are you telling me we're prisoners in this cage? Okay, take five.
(dissonant bagpipe chord) (screeching) Don't look at them.
You can see those birds any time.
(meows) (screaming) Right hand red! Aah! I win.
I think.
(grunts) Would you like one of our toys? Thanks.
Why did you do that? I thought it was a ball.
That is the one thing it can never be.
(plays instrument out of tune) Don't be alarmed.
I am a trained humanologist.
Let me just check your heart.
All well and good.
You obviously exercise.
(nasally): See, Marge? Anything you need? Perhaps you'd care to have your ink gland expressed.
You're the doctor.
Homer! You have to stop dropping your pants for everyone who claims they're a doctor.
Fine.
Now, I am here to complete your knowledge of our great and generous species.
Are you the guy that talks nice before they kill us? Eh, we'll come back to that.
As young thinglings, we are schooled in the wisdom of the universe.
Physics, mathematics, FORTRAN the greatest of the programming languages! And now the part that is difficult to tell you.
At the end of a life well-lived, there is one final ritual.
We must eat one of you.
(all gasp) But we'll let you have the fun of picking which one.
(laughs) There's only one fair solution.
We have to put it to a vote.
Before we vote, I'd just like to point out in Sophie's Choice, she saved the boy.
(humming a tune) This isn't a happy thing! Here you go.
Okay.
What the?! D'oh! Well, we haven't heard from Maggie yet.
Now, what the? (scoffs) Gibberish, pure gibberish.
You're the last vote, Homie.
(groaning) 'Tis a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done before.
Hey, look, Maggie made you a farewell card.
That kid's got talent, but come on! Now do you see why I'm a vegetarian, Dad? I get it, Lisa.
I finally get it.
You do get a last meal.
I'd like rabbit, lots of rabbit.
Ah.
Welcome to the World Series of Chomping.
This annual consumption ritual is brought to you by scalp salt.
From the same wonderful folks who make elbow pepper and groin gravy.
Here comes sacrifice Homer Simpson.
His hobbies include sitting, lying down, and reaching for things without success.
Come on, folks, let's put your eyelids together! (eyelids clapping) Doesn't your culture say anything about mercy? Madam, you are speaking to the kindest and gentlest of us all.
Let's see: skull crusher, skin peeler, eyeball popper, scream collector (gasps) Got it.
Our elder Klaunax has been chosen for our ceremonial first bite, after which Homer Simpson will be dipped into a spicy cheese fondue.
"Fondue"? Welcome to a faculty dinner party in 1979.
Silence! And celebrate the Solstice of Slobbering to the sounds of the Rigel 7 Children's Choir.
Tasty creature We salute you (all slurp) For your juicy Sacrifice.
(all slurp) (groaning) (laughing) (grunting) A transporter beam! Someone is trying to steal our sacrifice.
Yes! This mysterious tube can only lead to somewhere good.
So long, you stupid slobbering What the?! (grunting) And away we go! (sighs) Way to go, George Mucus.
The fattest, stupidest man on Earth slipped right through your sticky tentacles.
Why, you little! What is this baffling construct? It's called a knot.
A not what? "Knot" with a "K.
" Ks are silent? Really? I've been saying kitchen.
That's correct.
BOTH: Huh? (Homer gasps) MALE: Do not fear.
You are among friends.
We are the resistance.
We don't believe in the barbaric consumption of other species.
So, what do you eat-- space broccoli? Space broccoli has the most advanced feelings of any creature in the universe.
I stepped on a piece once, and it cried for six years.
Frankly, they are a little full of themselves.
Who are you talking about? Um, earth broccoli.
Yeah, I hate those guys.
They think they're so big.
Let's go, Homer.
Where are you taking me? You are about to behold the secret rebel base.
Aah! Whee! Yeah! Why are they dancing? Shouldn't they be making weapons? This is excellent training for the party we will throw when our rebellion succeeds.
(music stops) MALE: Oh, turn the music back on.
In a minute! First, noble human Homer Simpson will explain his primitive yet beautiful culture.
(bird caws) But perhaps Earth's greatest achievement is moon rocks.
Oh, radio.
(all oohing) Truly a species with much to offer.
MALE: Seriously? Are we listening to the same guy? Silence! Homer, we will get you back to Earth.
What about my family? Why do you care? It's just your sex mate and spermlings.
"Sex mate"? (laughs) Clearly you've never been married.
But it's great, I'm telling you.
Unfortunately, we only had the means to build the spaceship for one.
We spent most of our money on the party.
Well, it is a great party.
The pod is equipped to fulfill your deepest desires.
Just concentrate.
Suddenly, this trip has gotten interesting.
(gasps) What the?! Oh, who am I kidding? I couldn't enjoy calorie one without my family.
I'm going back to save them! Aw, if I could just live inside that head, so full of noble thoughts.
(growls, grunting) The golden rule states if the chosen one escapes, his family is eaten as forfeit.
What do your rules say now? That all will be eaten.
D'oh! This system is really rigged against us.
(Bart and Marge groan) You forgot to glaze me.
No, I didn't.
You licked it off! I think somebody's afraid to admit he's out of glaze.
(groans) Glaze, please.
(growls) Make way for the queen! I shall take the first bite.
It is quite an honor.
(whimpering) What's that? Part of your magnificent behind.
We sliced it off when you were sleeping.
It does look delicious.
(gasps) What is it, my queen? This ass is most disagreeable.
(gurgles) The creatures are composed of completely indigestible toxins.
These humans have been poisoned by their unhealthy fast-food diet.
Um, are you sure you don't want to try me again? You? Your lunches of hummus and rice cakes combine in your stomach to form formaldehyde and animal fat.
Really? But I thought You'd be better off chewing tobacco like the boy.
What?! Dad said I could try it.
Homer! Don't you people realize your queen is dying? I'm afraid the lardo speaks the truth, Your Majesty.
It's all right.
I have seen many glories and have only one regret.
That my breasts aren't bigger.
I don't see any breasts.
And those will be the last words I ever hear.
(grunts) Useless humans! We will send you back to your planet, and your memories will fade.
So, it will be as if none of this ever happened! Captain's log, stardate 65848.
2.
After successfully conquering the Rigelians Right, "conquering.
" Well, at least Maggie can fly us home.
Thank God it's just like her busy box.
Well, I guess we've learned that of all the countless planets in the universe, we have evolved into the most inedible species.
Like three-bean salad at a barbecue, we will remain untouched.
We're receiving a transmission from an unknown source.
Hey, I finally tracked you down! My oatmeal's gone cold.
The cat ate my heart medicine.
I'm engaged to my nurse Set a course, Mr.
Maggie.
Anywhere but home.
HOMER: D'oh! (Star Trek theme playing)