The Simpsons Episode Scripts

N/A - The Town

1 HOMER: Come on, Marge, where's dinner? What's the holdup in there? (TO "CHARGE" FANFARE): Pot-pop-pot-pot pot pies! A pie for Bart - Come on, put them down already.
- a veggie pie for Lisa - Why do you have to describe everything? - a baby pie for Maggie.
The pies know who they're for.
- A dog pie for Santa's Little Helper.
- What? The dog The dog before me? Now, be sure to cut it open first so the pie has time to cool.
(SCREAMS) I'm done.
I know you're in a hurry to go to the bar to watch football, but first I want you to put the kids to bed.
(GROANS LOUDLY) (STRAINS, GRUNTS) "Everything after the tornado was a dream.
The end.
" (TIRES SCREECH) ANNOUNCER: Going into halftime, it's Springfield Atoms 7, Boston Americans 10.
Oh, come on, we cannot lose again to those no-good Boston cheaters! I-I can't stand that pretty-boy quarterback.
Thinks he's so handsome, just 'cause he's drop-dead gorgeous.
The only Boston wins is because they cheat! Listening in on our teams' headsets, fattening our cheerleaders.
You know, for three games last year, Boston used a volleyball painted brown.
(BOSTON ACCENT): That was never proven, you Springfield screw-job.
Ugh, Boston fans.
In town for the Dennis Lehane book tour.
Go kiss a Kennedy, you rule- breaking cranberry squeezers! We don't cheat.
We won 12 division titles in ten years, fair and square.
You dorks are just jealous of all our championship rings.
ALL: Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! You're the one who's jealous.
I only wish I could be as jealous as you.
Geez, Jay, this place has got more knobs than a hardware store.
I hate this town.
So don't I.
Friggin' doorknobs.
(LAUGHTER) Automatic.
BOTH: Mwah, mwah, mwah.
ANNOUNCER: It's fourth and long, the Americans' last chance for a miracle.
Come on, Springfield, put it away! We're gonna win one.
We're finally gonna win one! ANNOUNCER: The QB handsomely takes the snap, sexily steps back to pass, and with God-given good looks, fires it downfield! But there's no one there to receive it! (GROANING) (SCOFFS) Nice pass.
What a first-ballot hall-of-fame loser.
ANNOUNCER: But the ball is caught by the Americans' mascot, Flappy the Flag! Flappy running unopposed into the end zone for a surely illegal touchdown.
Throwing to the mascot? After further review, Flappy the Flag is listed on the Americans' 53-man roster and reported eligible.
The result of the play is a touchdown.
(CROWD CHEERING) ANNOUNCER: Once again, the Americans found a way to win.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, that'll put a smile on Coach Bonderchuck's face.
(CROWD CHEERING) - (CHEERING) - Oh, not again! They cheated! You cheated! Did not.
You got to cover the mascot.
Use your noggin.
Play smart.
Flappy's on the roster.
(CHANTING): On the roster! - On the roster! - On the roster! On the roster, my butt.
Once again, those Boston cheaters think the rules don't apply to them.
And they're so smug about winning.
If I ever won anything, I wouldn't be smug about it.
I'd be class all the way, like Mark Harmon pure American elegance.
I tell ya, the next Boston fan I see, I'm just gonna lose it.
Lose it so hard.
And What the What is How could That hat! Your head! That team.
My son! Hey, Dad, caught the game last night.
Tough loss for your guys.
Guess we just wanted it more.
(SARCASTICALLY): Oh, am I in the right house? Because no one in my house would ever be caught dead wearing Boston Americans gear.
Dead! I feel ya, Homer.
Sucks to be a loser.
Unlike the six-time Mega-Bowl champion Boston Americans.
Mwah! (SMOOCHES) Ring, ring, ring.
(FRUSTRATED GRUNTS) Give me that hat.
(GROWLS) (GRUNTING, SNORTING) Olé! (SIGHS) Your father never could resist an "olé.
" Eh, he'll run out of steam soon.
This is your hometown.
And the Springfield Atoms are your hometown team since 2003, when we stole them in the middle of the night from Portland.
What kind of life can you have here as a Boston fan? See? Why are you wearing that Boston hat? This is Atoms country, bro! I would pluck out my own eyes if I did not have a call-back for a Web-only Olive Garden commercial.
They're just trying to hat shame me.
Face it, Dad, Boston is the Bart Simpson of cities.
All those awesome Southies in The Departed, (CHUCKLES) those are my people.
People? The dog and the baby are your people.
(SIGHS) It all goes back to the Boston Tea Party, a prank so kick-ass it started a country.
(TIRES SCREECH) Come on, pal, what do you say? Just lose the hat, for your old man.
Nope, I think I'll stick with the bad boys.
Get it off before God sees.
(WHIMPERING) (GROANS): Oh! And the people from Boston are so obnoxious.
They think their stupid city has the best everything: bands, comedians, chowder, their so-called cream pies, which are actually cakes.
- And there's - Why don't you let me - take your mind off your problems? - And what's with Aerosmith? That's not how you spell "arrow.
" The Oh.
(HOMER SCREAMS) Bart, you're my son.
There's no neck tattoo so crass, no gender reassignment too ambiguous that I would not love you.
Which is why I must show you the error of your ways, even if it means dragging this family all the way to hell.
A vacation to Boston? No, not a vay-cation, a hate-cation! Where you experience the worst a place has to offer, and then say, "Told ya!" Hate-watching, hate-voting and now a hate-cation? Why can't everyone just enjoy things they like? Because things you like don't fill you with delicious, delicious rage.
Hmm, I'm gonna love this trip.
I'm gonna love it right in your face.
That's it, build it up in your head.
High hopes just make the hate-cation stronger.
You're crazy.
Boston can't be that bad.
(HORNS HONKING) I've never loved hating anything so much! Move your garbage car! I got to get to the packy before the B's drop puck! Told ya! See, boy? Notice how Bostonians aren't exactly ugly, but they're not sexy either.
Homer, your negative attitude is ruining this hate-cation.
So, what to hate first? The Freedom Trail? The touch tank at the New England Aquarium? Ooh, that could blow.
I want to go to Southie.
That part of town has the towniest townies of any town.
(SCOFFS) You think your Bostonians are so great? Watch as your beloved hooligans tear your innocent father limb from limb with just the slightest provocation.
Listen up, you clam-gargling tea-tossers! Fenway is a terrible ballpark! Dad, don't! Out of my way, ladies.
You're blocking my shot.
The seats at Fenway Park are too narrow, and many of them face center field! It's not charming, it's a teardown! (BOSTON ACCENT): The bobbleheads! They're tippin'! (BOSTON ACCENT): Kid, mind the cart! - The what? - The cart! The cot? Cot! (GRUNTING) No, don't struggle! It only makes them bobble harder.
They keep coming.
Bobblehead Steven Wright, bobblehead Aimee Mann, bobblehead Bell Biv Devoe! The vibrations are killing him! Don't worry, sweetheart, I'm a doctor.
I'm also a doctor, kid.
(GROANING) Mm, so many doctors.
He's got a Pedro lodged in his airway.
(HOMER GASPS) He'll be fine, ma'am.
And because of our state's super-socialized health care, no matter how much your husband abuses his body, someone else will pay for it.
What a relief for women with hot-tempered, accident-prone husbands.
Oh, yeah, we got a whole surgical center for injuries from falling off icy roofs and gutters.
BOTH: Ooh.
While the doctors pull tiny Bruins helmets out of your skin, Lisa and I are going to explore The Hub on our own.
Remember, this is a hate-cation.
You better go someplace bad.
Isn't Mayor Quimby from somewhere around here? (ALL MUTTERING WITH THICK ACCENTS) People are so fit here.
Everyone looks like they're in a financial services ad.
Free sunscreen? So progressive.
Do you vaccinate your children? Of course.
But not stupid progressive.
- (LOW BUZZING) - What's that buzzing noise? (GASPS) It's-it's nerds! They've got every recognized species of nerd! A jester-hatted ferret preener! A Wild West-afarian! A Magic: The Gathering gathering! Oculus rifters! Yo-yo guys.
Yo-yo girls! A chain mail ping pong player.
(GIGGLES, SQUEALS) So much education.
If they did a Real Housewives here, it would be a total snooze.
Ah, it's like heaven for people who don't believe in heaven.
HOMER: What the crap is this BS? What? I thought you'd want to try candlepin bowling.
Hey, McCarthy, nice half-Worcester.
Get bent, McDonald.
A lot of wood to work with out there.
(SPUTTERS) Boston.
They even found a way to mess up bowling.
Just try it.
(GROANS) Eh, all right.
(GRUNTS) None of the usual pain in my knees, back, wrist, shoulder, neck, and chest.
(GRUNTS) (GROANS) One pin standing.
Story of my life.
Whoa there, pal.
Don't forget your third ball.
Hold on, wait.
Hold on.
What? This is candlepin bowling.
You get three.
Hmm? Hmm.
(GRUNTS) (GASPS) Three balls.
I see it all so clearly now.
What, Dad? What is it? This regional bowling with its one extra roll has knocked my misguided hate into the gutter.
Mwah! I like Boston! Dad, you and me are real father-son Southies, now.
Just like Ben and Casey Affleck.
Son, show me everything this town has to offer.
("THE MAN IN ME" BY BOB DYLAN PLAYING) Ooh ooh ooh La la la la la la la la la Ooh La la la la la La la la la La la la la la la la La la la la Ooh ooh ooh La la la - Ooh - La la la la la la la la (GULPS) You know, for a cake, this Boston cream pie isn't so bad.
Look at them.
So innocent.
Not Bart, but go on.
Homer, I never dared dream about living somewhere that values education, with great health care, and everyone's outdoorsy but still pallid.
If it weren't crazy, I'd say we should be raising our kids here.
But no.
No, no.
That's crazy! Is it? (GASPS) But I never thought you, of all people Honey, this could be the chance we never thought we'd get.
The chance to knock down all of life's pins.
Are you saying what I think you're saying? I am.
Fate is offering us a third ball.
Do you mean it? Are we going to move to Boston? I knew I didn't pay this month's mortgage for a reason.
(BOTH SIGH) (KISSES) We did it! We really did it! We made a life change.
I love these colonial quilts on the wall.
Now, I can take a nap standing up.
Check it out, kid.
This movie's my life now.
You want to rob the Harvard Coop? Why don't we just break into Fort Knox? These snobs think Mass Ave.
belongs to them.
It's our Ave.
Whoa! I got to get one of those "X" necklaces to kiss.
This is all happening so fast.
Can we really afford to live in a city with a symphony and a Pops? (LAUGHING): Don't worry, baby.
I have a line on a sweet safety inspector gig.
Very sweet.
HOMER: Can I get a test on batch six? I'm finally living my dream of never not being around batches of candy.
And unlike the nuclear plant, if I screw up, no one gets hurt.
(SCREAMING) Are you sure we have to go to school here? I sort of thought I'd go straight to running numbers for the Irish mob.
Our school is in the heart of what they once called The Combat Zone.
The Combat Zone! Yes! Combat rules! BART: Charter what? Here's my classroom.
The teacher is Doris Kearns Goodwin.
Today, we explore Lincoln's 1861 suspension of habeas corpus, using dried macaroni and pipe cleaners.
(GASPS EXCITEDLY) Huh, now to get sent to detention.
That's where I'll meet my future bank-robbing crew.
(ALL GASPING) Ha! How do you like them marbles? Bart, we have a place for kids like you.
Bring it on.
(CHOIR HUMMING "I'M SHIPPING UP TO BOSTON") BART: Kids singing? (HUMMING CONTINUES) What the hell? Like you, these kids are gifted with exceptional energy.
Which they've channeled into a cappella.
I'm shipping up to Boston Whoa! (SOFTLY): Departed.
These are the bad kids? There's not a Wahlberg in the bunch.
I've never felt more like I fit in.
People think Boston's all Southies and hooligans.
But it's really teachers, Ph.
students, doctors, innovators, philanthropists.
It's like living in a giant classroom.
And every day is a new test.
(GROANING) (THUNDER CLAPS) Theater? Colleges? Culture? Oh, Pauly, if you could have known that Boston was gonna turn out so wussy, you never would have warned anybody.
Listen, my brother, and you shall see, this is a town not for you, but for me.
(SCREAMING) Hey, but what about Grampa? He lives a thousand miles away.
Great point.
Nobody tell him where we went.
Bart, you haven't touched your clambake.
What's wrong? This place is all P.
brainiacs and Subaru owners wearing fleece vests.
It's nothing at all like The Departed.
Oh, honey, I know it's a big change.
But someday you'll understand that providing our family with a better life Something I've never been able to do.
is the most important thing in the world.
We've been given a third ball.
Let's not throw it away.
(GROANS) Same to you.
No one likes feeling out of place.
That's how I felt back in Springfield.
But I sucked it up for eight years.
Now it's your turn.
(GRUNTS) (GASPS) Yes! Finally.
A Southie crew pulling a job.
I finally took that spin class with Miranda.
I was sweatin' so friggin' hard.
Hey, try this pressed juice, kid.
Ginger, cayenne Wicked cleanse, pal.
Come on.
Donny, Tommy, these solar laptops for Rwandans ain't gonna donate themselves.
It's time for me to ship out of Boston.
What a gorgeous day.
I hope it never ends.
So don't I.
You know, guys, I've picked out the perfect Boston activity to help celebrate our move.
Not just any parade.
HOMER: The Boston Americans? CROWD (CHANTING): Bonk! Bonk! Bonk! It's a state holiday because the league overturned the coach's suspension for using magnets to affect the coin toss.
Pretty cool way to celebrate our new hometown.
Right, Dad? (FORCED): As a Bostonian, I definitely support my team.
Hey, Bonk! Can we get a picture? Hell to the derrr, little bro! (GRUNTING) Come on, Homer, put on the hat.
I can support my hometown team without putting on a hat.
Hats go on your head! If you're gonna live in Boston, you got to wear the hat.
(WINCES) Okay.
(GRUNTING, BLOWING) You did this on purpose.
My future is at stake.
So don't is mine.
(STRUGGLING): Just a hat.
You can do it, Homie.
Think of the candlepins.
This is our extra ball! A better life.
(YELLS) (ALL GASPING) (QUACKING) Derrr! Stupid cheaters! You cheat, you flip out when people say you cheat, and everybody knows you're nothing but a big bunch of cheaters! (CHUCKLING) You made us leave that lovely city rather than just put on a stupid hat.
It wasn't even fitted.
(SIGHS) I just couldn't wear the hat.
Well, I'm still mad at you.
I never even got to experience one of those Boston winters everyone raves about.
Come on, baby, we could never escape our problems by moving somewhere else.
Our problems are who we are, not where we are.
Well maybe.
The traffic was pretty annoying.
Not to mention the unspoken racism.
It wasn't that unspoken.
At least someone in this family is happy about where they came from.
Oh, don't worry, Lisa.
You'll get back to Boston someday.
What are you talking about? I never left.
I'm in Boston now.
Welcome home, Lisa.
Class is about to start.
I'm shipping up to Boston Shipping up, shipping up I'm shipping up to Boston Shipping up to Boston, whoa I'm shipping up to Boston Yeah Shipping up to Boston Whoa! Departed!