The Simpsons Episode Scripts

N/A - Treehouse of Horror XXVI

1 (THUNDER CRASHES) Oh, Dad, why are you taking us Christmas tree shopping on Halloween? Because in America, everything's way too early.
See? (CHUCKLES) ("CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYING) (GRUNTS) ALL: Aah! Sideshow Bob! Aah! One of you guys! - Frank Grimes?! - Who? I'm the guy who hated you.
Hated you! Died from my hatred of you.
(LAUGHS) Good old Grimey.
To the point, we are evil geniuses who somehow lost every battle we've had with Homer Simpson.
- (CRUNCHING) - What? So we decided to form this furious four.
Bob, seriously, man, one suggestion? Shut up.
I mean, the baby is already asleep.
(UNEARTHLY SCREECH) Enough! Time for revenge most sweet.
- Uh - Wait a minute.
I thought you said "furious four.
" I did.
Revenge! But first we dance.
In Hell they make you watch them all in a row.
LISA: We didn't have much in Springfield, but we always had water.
then the rivers dried up, and a drought of Chicago Cubs proportions began.
As you know, I possess all the remaining water.
(SLURPING) Why do we keep reelecting this guy? To take your mind off your troubles, I will sponsor a no-holds-barred battle to the death among our cutest children.
Makes sense.
What sickos want to see ugly kids die? One child from each neighborhood will be selected to compete as their champion.
The last child standing in a pile of his fallen chums will win a day of aquatic fun at my personal reservoir.
(WHIMPERING) (SLURPING) Good luck to you all.
What a feeling He's wastin' water like a Tucson swim-up bar while I'm bathing with a dog's tongue here! (DOG WHINING) Okay, sweetie.
I've hidden a bunch of weapons in your suit.
Uh, Mom, I can barely move.
Well, I could use a new look.
Hmm hmm.
(GASPS) You just died.
Who are you? They call me Homish.
I'm your coach.
It's hard to believe you could coach anyone.
If you don't think I can, try watching just a few of the hundreds of movies with characters like me.
Also, I sober up in the middle with no difficulty just like real alcoholics.
Welcome, children.
The Games will begin in ten seconds! Do not step off your pedestals before RALPH: Before what? Whee! (EXPLOSION) (CANNON FIRES, "TAPS" PLAYS) What, what? What did I miss? Oh.
(GRUNTING AND PANTING) (GASPS) The only thing I want to kill is your sadness.
My name is Pita, like the healthy bread.
My name is also Peta, like the animal rights organization.
(GROANING AND GRUNT) Did someone order two dead kids? (CANNON FIRES, "TAPS" PLAYS) (MIMICS BIRD CALLS) You can come out now, Homish.
HOMER: What about all the birds? That was me.
(GASPS) (CANNON FIRES) ("TAPS" PLAYS) Wait a minute, we don't have to kill each other.
Now you tell me.
People of Springfield! We have the power! With all our new fighting skill, we could topple Burns.
Or we could do it peacefully at the ballot box.
Ned, that noggin of yours is just what we need.
(YELLING) To the reservoir! Freedom! (GRUNTS) Right in the back! Like the coward I am.
(PROKOFIEV'S "THE BATTLE ON THE ICE" PLAYS) ALL: Yay! We're saved! Aw! Ah, we really should have left it in the reservoir.
It was all for nothing.
We're doomed.
- (THUNDER RUMBLES) - Hmm? Rain.
We're saved.
Well, it could be worse.
(WIND WHOOSHING) Oh, God, me and my big mouth.
Ooh, I just donated the winter clothes.
I'm a god in this reality.
Sure, why not? 11, 12, 13.
(MOTOR STARTS) Ready or not, here I (SCREAMS) (FUNERAL MUSIC PLAYS) Why? Why did my best friend have to die? (CRYING): I mean, it's a great college essay, but it's not worth it.
So sorry you lost your best friend in such a cool tragedy, Lisa.
Since you're interesting now, you can be our best friend.
Really? That would be so (THUD) (SCREAMING) We now bury Sherri and Terri, survived by their brothers, Jerry and Larry, and their father and mother, Barry and Mary.
And now some light remarks by comedian Drew Carey.
There was some sort of mistake.
I thought I was doing a Microsoft event.
(CRYING) Man, who'd have thought a funeral for a couple of kids would be such a downer? (SIGN BUZZING) Everything seems big to a child, Lisa.
But in a few weeks, losing three friends in two days is something you'll laugh about.
And I'm here for you.
Really? Think of me as your best friend.
Mancuso-Gluckman! (MOTOR HUMMING) Lisa Simpson, you are the prime suspect in the murders of two normals and a twin set.
(GRUNTS) Well, well, well, well, well.
Well, look what we have here.
This matches what we found on the lawnmower and the picture in the therapist's office.
Sparkle nail polish? But I only wore that with Rachel.
Who's Rachel? And tell me it's not a computer acronym like Repeating Algorithm for Calculating Hotel Come on, Lou, help me out here.
No, no, no.
You got yourself into that acronym.
You can, uh, get yourself out.
Lou stands for lousy, obstinate, um Uh, help me out here, Lou.
I had no real friends.
So I played with my imaginary friend, Rachel.
We did it all together.
I was maid of honor at her imaginary wedding.
But then I outgrew her.
(BART HUMMING) And I never saw Rachel or wore this nail polish again.
That's a nice story, kid, but, uh, we're keeping our eye on you.
Only invisible killer I believe in is God.
(BRAKES SQUEAKING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (GASPING) Well, I'm not afraid to be around you.
Hello, best friend.
(GASPS) No, no, please.
(GAGGING) Why did Mom double-wrap? (GROANS) How could you do that? You tell me.
I came from your brain, where your darkest thoughts live.
(DISSONANT NOTES PLAYING) Shut up, shut up, shut up! (SIREN WAILING) I didn't do it.
Plastic wrap doesn't lie.
Except on the box, where it says "easy tear-off.
" Hey, Lisa, let's gossip about boys.
Isn't Milhouse so cute? Oh, of course, he suffocated.
My mom was so right when she said I didn't need you anymore.
Oh, I see.
So, nosy old Marge was the reason you-you moved on from me.
(GASPS) Oh, no.
She'll kill Mom.
What do I do? You can keep quiet and let me get you out of here.
(GASPS) Bart! You came to save me? Actually, I deliver little bags to guys inside.
Don't know what's in 'em, but they're sure glad to see me.
Come on, let's go.
Yo, could you please keep it down? Some of us are trying to shiv.
Tell Ralphie I won't be home for dinner.
Uh, tell him that dinner is the meal at the end of the day.
Uh, tell him the end of the day is when the sun goes down.
Tell him Oh, thank you, thank you.
Come on, we got to save Mom.
Come on, imagine a motorcycle to get us out of here.
My imagination isn't that powerful.
You imagined a girl that's killing everyone in town.
Good point.
Where do I sit? (GROANS) Safety first.
And it runs on pony smiles.
Oh, man, you ruin everything.
LISA: Rachel, no! Why can't a real person like me this much? I'm going to kill everyone you love.
And they'll blame you because nobody else can see me.
I can see you.
Because I am incredibly wasted.
Hey (GAGGING) Only my childhood imaginary friend can save me now.
Sergeant Sausage, you came! I love you.
Rachel, Rachel, you must understand the thankless role of the imaginary friend.
When the child matures, you cease to exist.
I don't take orders from a hot dog.
Uh uh-oh.
No, no cut slits in me first! Aah! Aah! Aah! Rachel, you have to go.
I can turn you into the worst thing you can imagine: your mother.
No! You'll be sorry, Lisa.
I'm the truest friend you've ever had.
I'll have friends in college.
And you'll be married to a dentist.
We'll spend every vacation with my parents.
Ha, ha.
You think your dad will pay for college? Now who's imagining thi (ELECTRIC WHIRRING) (ALL SIGH) And now it's time to lay my good friend to rest.
At least his life wasn't in vain.
Actually, as an imaginary friend, I can never die.
Get in my stomach.
Okay, yes, sir.
Violence never solved anything.
Don't use math on us.
We're gonna kill you, Simpson.
And book the funeral in a huge church so it looks empty.
- (LAUGHTER) - Yeah.
Can I help youse gentleman? Just get your broom, old man, and get ready to sweep up some broken boy.
And make it snappy.
I rather wish you'd-a hadn't-a done that.
You idiot, now you're trapped here with us.
Ow! Sorry.
I should have used a coaster.
(GRUNTS) (GAGGING) (ALL GROANING) You know we're only 13, right? Come with me.
(GASPS) Whoa.
I didn't know the pool table could do that.
Halloween show money.
Yeah, you see, kid, it turns out the guys you thought were wastin' time in this bar were actually covert agents helpin' to save the world.
So, how did things go in Prague? Oh, quite well.
I canceled a few Czechs.
We've had our eye on you since your father our best man died.
They said he died jogging, but I never believed it.
Smart boy.
He was actually killed by our greatest nemesis.
We need you to take his place.
But I'm just a kid.
We all of us have special abilities.
All these years I've been pretending to be the idiot bartender while actually I'm this super genius guy.
Now, do you want to avenge your father? I'm in.
Do I get any weapons? You certainly do.
Let me introduce you to Q.
There it is.
A pool cue.
That's your weapon.
Now let me introduce you to your fellow agents.
Old Fashioned.
Rob Roy.
And I'm Toilet Gin.
Now listen up here.
We're getting a transmission from our leader, Highball.
He does an amazing Michael Caine impression.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
I have the most interesting development.
We have learned of a plot to buy up all of the world's beer.
Can I help you with something, sir? I believe that cute blonde is interested in earbuds.
Oh, boy! Now, here is the name of our adversary.
Good luck, gentlemen.
Barney, give me what you got.
Remoh Industries market capitalization, $20 billion and the new owner of Duff Stadium.
Tonight they're throwing a free concert.
Looks like this concert'll have a few guests who weren't invited.
Everyone's invited.
It's free.
State of the art fingerprint scanner.
Cutting edge technology.
Uh, hand me my toolbox.
We're in.
Welcome, gentlemen.
(CAT PURRING) Dad? You're alive! How'd you get that scar? (MEOWS) Ow! That's how.
Of course.
Remoh spelled backwards is Homer.
It is? Uh, I mean, it's intentional.
Now, I suppose you're wondering why I cornered the world beer supply.
I've created a lava machine that will force the world to surrender to me.
Then I want all the beer to celebrate.
Well, we're gonna stop you.
Really? - (MEOWS) - (GRUNTS) To kill me, you'll have to get through an army of jazz rock aficionados age 50 and up.
(ENGINE STRAINING) Oh, it seems like every year my rockets get less powerful.
Attention, lovers of studio perfectionism.
I've drugged all the concessions so you'll do what I say.
Drugs at a Steely Dan concert? I never thought I'd see the day.
- Angry mob, kill the intruders.
- Huh? Steely Dan, play "Deacon Blues.
" No, "Royal Scam.
" No, "Babylon Sisters.
" ("BABYLON SISTERS" BY STEELY DAN BEGINS PLAYING) I haven't had any training.
Now you have.
(SIGHS) We still haven't gotten to the beginning of the song.
But, Dad, this can be a new beginning for us.
You mean you don't want to kill me? I love you, Dad.
And violence never solved anything.
Except this.
Also, every time you die, I get another semester of automatic As.
Everything appears in order, sir.
But, uh, where is Master Simpson? I believe he's having a little Sherri.
JUDITH OWEN: 600 Yes, that's right We've churned out 600 shows It goes and goes Two times 300 And thousands of promos for Shows that were bad Yes, they were bad So very bad We love gold Gold.