Those Who Can't (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - Rod Man Out

1 You're telling me that none of your prom stories were true? - I haven't had sex in 11 months.
- Ohh! Well, if you must know, my wife and I are getting a divorce.
Get out! Get out! - Ugh! - [Screams] Oh, I wish I was in the land of cotton Rod? You're fired.
- Give me one good reason.
- Well, you're drunk.
Well, I suppose you heard that Principal Quinn was arrested earlier today.
Apparently he exposed himself to a group of students in some sort of a school prank.
- Aaah! - [All screaming] Point is, we have to have an interim principal before the gavel falls.
Billy: Sit down, Fairbell.
Tammy.
Wait.
Tammy? Thank you.
[Emergency brake clicks] - [Up-tempo rock music plays] - [Chuckles] [Tires squeal] [Laughs] What is Tammy's deal? I mean who calls a mandatory meeting a week before school even starts? Like you had anything better to be doing.
- Au, contraire mon frére.
- [Scoffs] Not your frére.
Right.
Ever since Tampa and I split up, I've been having a crazy summer.
Started taking some culinary classes.
And I'm finally in a healthy and mature relationship.
Hmm.
What do you want me to do? You want me to eat it like I'm in a bread line? Oh, because I'm starving.
[Groans, gasps] Billy! God! Are you doing phone sex with the deli meats again? I'm on my break, Jerry.
Hey, I know you're having a hard time with the divorce Okay, I already told you a bunch of times, it's not a divorce, it's a trial separation.
And I'm fine.
I'm no love expert, but I do know that sometimes in life Jerry, do you need something, Jerry? Is there something I could help you with, Jerry? Chipotle-lime mayo.
I will get it out.
Okay, thank you.
Bye.
Asshole.
Well, I had a big dope summer myself.
Me and my new bro Cody, we, like, ran the water park.
- Dude.
- Yep.
I was basically his mentor.
I'm sure.
Check out that one.
What do you think, 9? [Rock music playing] You're right.
7 1/2.
Whatever.
Well, Codes, been pretty great running deep into the night with you this summer, huh, bro? Did you say something? God, you are so cool, Cody.
King of summer.
King of summer! Man, that sounds cool.
But you're not the only one who made some new friends.
I picked up loads of guys.
They wanted me to come, I came pretty quick.
[Chuckles] You were an Uber driver weren't you? - Oh.
- Close Lyft.
Yeah.
Hey, are any of you guys Chad? We're all Chad.
Oh, hey.
I'm your Lyft driver.
Hop on in.
Welcome to the S.
S.
Pleasant Evening.
Wow you guys strike out with the ladies already? [Chuckles] Do you guys like a lot of small talk or an excruciating amount of small talk? Because my reviews say excruciating.
You know what? I really think we're gonna nail it this year.
- I feel confident.
- Yeah.
- I feel good.
- Good start.
Good start, good chat guys.
Aw, I just put my hand in gum! Ugh! Me too.
Quit wasting my time I ain't here for you I'm just putting in work Till my day is through God, Tammy's really abusing this interim principal title.
Eh, Quinn will be acquitted and we'll be back to no business as usual.
Yeah, I hope so, man.
I'm sorry I had to run out like that.
I had to [chuckles] take a phone call.
You mean from that phone you left on the table? Yeah, you were just in the middle of regaling us about your latest misguided white guilt trip.
- Uh, it was not misguided.
- No.
I went to Motaba with Librarians Without Borders and, uh, we built them a library.
It was probably the best summer of my life.
Abby, unless those people can check green drinking water out of that thing, that library is useless.
Oh, my God.
That is such an antiquated view of Africa.
Do you know what these people wanted most of all? Old wedding gowns.
Assault rifles.
21 cents a day.
Free reliable wi-fi.
Man, look at these pictures.
Oh, gross.
Abby, is that monkey spitting directly into your mouth? Uh, that is a baboon, and that is how they say hello.
The price for meeting a baboon is spit in my mouth? I'm down.
[Stomach gurgles] I'm sorry, I-I-I-I-I-I have to, um, sort the card catalogue.
Mm-hmm.
[Stomach grumbles] - Okay, she has dysentery right? - She definitely has dysentery.
- She's sweating - Yeah.
I think she's just busy.
- No.
- [Brass ensemble plays fanfare] I saw them warming up outside and I thought I'd take advantage with a little fanfare.
[Laughs] Tammy, that is the worst OutKast video I've ever seen.
- [Brass ensemble plays note] - It's a new year, and as your principal, I believe in forgiving and forgetting.
And in the spirit of forgiveness, I'd like to welcome back Mr.
Rod Knorr.
- What? - Are you serious? - Hello.
- [Chuckling] Rod! Yeah, bud.
Welcome back! Uh, all right.
Holy [bleep].
The prodigal souse returns.
[Chuckling] Right? Hey, I'm as surprised as you guys are to see me back here, all right? But, uh, I'm in the program now, okay? I've got 6 months of sobriety under my belt.
- Oh, no.
- I'm a new Rod.
[Laughing] Gross.
And I want to take this time to apologize for old Rod.
I'm just glad to be back and, uh, really looking forward to taking advantage of this second chance.
God, will he shut up already? I'm getting a cavity just listening to this garbage.
I'm confused.
How many Rods are there? Is this like a back to the future? Rod: Principal Sherman, I was thinking that this would be a great time to take this upcoming week to maybe spruce the place up a little bit, you know? Really show the students we care and are invested in their education, you know? And I just I know idle hands - always got me in trouble.
- Oh, really? 'Cause I thought it was the gallons and gallons of alcohol.
[Laughs] That is the exact attitude that I am talking about, Rod.
He says, "I can tell you" And you three can help him out.
Gum duty.
- Gum duty? - Get to it.
Hey, thanks a lot, Rod.
Yeah, it's super awesome to have you back, Rod.
Hey, Rod, what if you touch old Rod? Would you both explode? Hey, Abby didn't your Shard of Darkness trip take you to Motaba? Ha, ha, hilarious.
But, yes, why? Oh, no reason.
I'm just reading CNN's Twitter feed and it says wi-fi war, Motaba library overtaken by armed rebels.
[Chuckles] Well, that could be any library.
Yeah, no, I don't think so.
See they're burning this redheaded effigy out there in the front of the street.
That is definitely not me.
Mm-hmm.
They're calling the library a catalyst for chaos.
Speaking of war-torn regions, check out this Snatchchat from the dank that I'm hitting up.
Ah, I'm gonna be sick, and it is definitely because of you and not because of anything else.
Hey, guys.
Look at that.
Sorry guys, I just remembered that I, um, parked in the wrong spot.
Yeah, you mean parked in the stall across the hall? We could hear you unfolding yourself from here.
You need to see a doctor, Abby.
I'm fine.
Oh, my God, this is so hard! This is impossible is what it is.
There's gum on every surface of the school.
It's gross.
You know what we should do? We should quit.
- Yes! - Yes! - Why don't we do it? - That's a good idea.
Sandwich party.
Sandwich party.
All right.
That's it! You know, while you guys have been standing around BSing about your summers while I'm in here busting my hump with no help! Get a load of this.
I am not gonna be chewed out by a guy who got fired last year dressed as a confederate soldier.
Seriously, cut the act, Rod.
You're being a huge pain in the ass right now.
I'm not the problem, all right? Scraping gum off toilet bowls isn't the problem.
The problem is you don't know how to scrape the gum off the toilet bowls that are your lives.
Spare us all of this Sigmund Fraud.
You know, this is what it is.
I'm telling you.
Every time somebody gets sober, they get in the program, they have to evangelize.
This has nothing to do with the program, all right? And anyone can see that you're just trying to convince yourself that your wife leaving you is some sort of a blessing! 'Cause it is! 'Cause it you know what? Check out this picture text I got this mor No, no, no.
Don't look at that one.
[Chuckles] But I am back in the game! Oh, yeah? What game is that, huh? Pushing 40, cruising Tinder, hanging out with some bush pig, huh? All right, just admit to yourself that you're terrified you might wind up alone! Aw, go easy on him, Rod.
He's newly single and it's creepy and hilarious.
Okay, all right, Loren.
Answer me this, all right? You jawing on and on about how you're gonna write the great American novel.
How many pages did you get done this summer, huh? I'm I'm outlining.
I'm in the outlining phase.
Outlines are great.
M-my favorite book is Ernest Hemingway's "Big Book of Outlines," fantastic! You're acting pretty high and mighty for someone who has jack shack on campus.
Oh, says the woman who went all the way to Africa to build a library to make herself feel better.
Yeah, and what did that get you? The [bleep].
It's just a little bit of traveler's tummy.
[Chuckles] Yeah.
And Fairbell Wait, wait, so like the toilet of our lives is like a house? [Chuckles] Oh, it is true.
You just cannot help people until they're willing to help themselves.
Excuse me.
[Sighs] That's a lot to think about.
[Sighs] Yeah.
Maybe we should make some actual changes.
Totally.
We should get Rod drinking again.
- Exactly what I'm thinking.
- Definitely.
- That's what I was thinking.
- Definitely.
- Back on the wagon.
- I mean, that's it.
So, like, if I flush, I go to another room? It's a [bleep] metaphor, Fairbell.
Loren: Oh, yes, there's his coffee right there.
We'll just spike it and be done with it.
Who locks their classroom door? - It's like he doesn't trust us.
- [Sighs] There's got to be another way in there.
- No.
- Windows are barred.
[Gasps] The janitor has keys.
What if I flirt with the janitor, and then he'll let us in? You? Yeah, right.
Your flirting is terrible.
Yeah.
Way to some up with a plan to not get the keys.
Well, the only other way into that room is gonna be through the air ducts.
- Oh, yes.
- Dude, that's a great idea.
That's awesome.
No, no, no, wait take back.
- No take backs.
- Opposite day.
I'd go for it with the janitor.
No, it's too late, the plan's already locked in.
- No! - I wait here, keep a lookout for Rod.
You lower him through the ducts, spike Rod's coffee, - perfect crime.
- Great, that is great.
Listen, I really think that this key thing is simpler, plus I'm an excellent flirter.
Check this out.
Pssh! Hi.
We're doing the ducts.
We're going with the duct plan.
- What? - It's going to work.
Last time I went into the ducts I almost died twice.
Think of it this way This is your opportunity to be the Tom Cruise in this situation.
- Oh, Tom Cruise! - Huh? - You like Tom Cruise.
- How cool's that? That could be risky business, though.
[Chuckles] You know, I wanted a few good men, but I could only find Fairbell.
It's like that "Garfield" movie.
Excuse me? "Garfield" movie? That's what you come in with? - That's wrong in like 15 different ways.
- What are you talking about? - It's a good movie! - We're doing a fun thing.
- Guys, guys, guys, guys, stop, stop! - And you don't understand the rules - You suck.
- You suck.
- You suck.
- You suck.
Guys this is gonna be like a "War of the Worlds.
" See, even Fairbell gets the game.
- I get it.
- What game? Charades? I'll go first, who am I? Oh, God, your just Abby! You just watched her do that.
- Nailed it.
- Okay, just get him in the ducts, guys.
You're a very good flirter.
- Let's go.
- Take her with you.
Hey, we're almost there.
Oh, man.
God, you really know your way around here.
Practice.
Okay, uh, this seems like a bad idea, and I can't usually tell when something is a bad idea.
What, are you kidding? This is a great idea, bud.
You're gonna do awesome.
[Chuckling] Perfect crime.
Can I help you? Oh, n Oh, Rod! Hey.
Hey, buddy.
Um, yes, you can help me.
You were, uh you were talking about sobriety.
Yes.
And I thought that maybe that's something I should try.
Maybe I should try it.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, maybe I should try sobriety.
[Chuckles] All right.
Yes.
[Laughs] Yeah.
[Sighs] Are you sure you can hold me? No, no, no, no, not at all.
That's why I brought an anchor.
Hi.
[Gasping] I'm good.
[Stomach gurgles] How do you, like, um [clears throat] how do you get people to let you hang around them if they're not drunk and you're not drunk? Don't need those people anymore, all right? - Yeah.
- That's stinking thinking is what that is.
- Yeah.
- Get rid of them.
Okay.
Find solace in the simpler things in life, like, I don't know, gardening or m-model airplanes.
You know, for me, I love starting my car the regular way instead of blowing into one of those straws.
I-I just don't know what's going on anymore, Rod.
Hey, Loren, lay it out for old new Rod.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
[Sighs] Wish me luck.
Okay.
Oh, you won't need luck you invincible dip [bleep].
Ba-ba-ba-ba ba-ba-ba-ba Me, everyone thinks [Muffled speaking] Go! [Groans] Fricking Tate, Fricking Dalton.
I'm not a third wheel.
No, you're not.
You're a grown man.
That's why you're gonna stop playing grab ass with 19 year olds.
Who told you about grab ass? Was it Dalton? Oh, it was Dalton wasn't it? That piece of [bleep].
I knew he couldn't handle grab ass.
It's actually working, keep lowering.
It's just like Cody was using me, man.
Sure, we were BFFs.
[Muffled speaking] old enough to buy booze.
You don't do that to your bro.
That's bro code! [Stomach gurgles] Ew.
Oh, please.
Oh, please, no.
I left my scarf in the roof of my car.
It's like 100 degrees, you don't need a scarf! Abby, Abby! It's not your fault.
- Makes everyone a user.
- Yeah.
How about we talk about this inside? All right, Let's Oh, no, no, no, wait.
Rod! Rod, let's talk about it out here.
Hey, why don't we go to a meeting? I think I'm ready for a meeting at the Kiwanis [Grunts, gasps] - [Muffled scream] - [Glass shatters] [Screams] Fairbell? [Coughing] Are you guys trying to spike my coffee? Oh hey, Rod, I was just, uh, looking for a pen, right Loren? [Chuckling] Um, Rod, it's [Smacks lips] I'm gonna go get my bat Find out if this dip [bleep] piñata is filled with candy.
I'll save you the trip.
I am.
[Sighs] And silver lining, no glass got in my eyes.
- I swallowed most of it.
- Congratulations.
Sorry, the wind blew my scarf through the parking lot.
[Stomach gurgles] Ah, Abby, everyone knows you have the butt barfs, even me.
- Hey, guys.
- Whoa, have you been crying? - Have you been crying? - I don't know what's going on.
You know, Rod's sober, Tammy's the principal, you're getting laid.
My parents are right.
I should get out of the teaching game.
I should just get my real-estate license.
Ow! You know we're on the cusp of another bubble! - I do, I do.
- God, you can not let sober Rod get to you.
- [Whispering] I'm sorry.
- That man is not thinking foggy.
The new Rod is too far down the rabbit hole.
It's like he's addicted to sobriety.
Oh, my God.
[Chuckles] Yes, Abby.
He is addicted to sobriety.
And how do you deal with an addict? Throw acid on their face so they're ugly and unlovable? Jesus, who gave Fairbell their Netflix password? Thank you, by the way.
He said he wanted to watch "Doug.
" Lots of "Doug.
" No, no.
If we want to destroy the new Rod, we have to make this personal.
And everybody can tell you've been crying.
Yeah.
Just right through here, it'll only take a minute.
What the hell is this? Rod, please come in.
Join us.
Have a seat by your mother.
Come here, baby.
You come sit by Mama.
You know, uh, Rod, I've [Sighs] I've been here since last night, and I look around the room and I see a lot of people who love and care for you and are scared to death that they're losing you and they want to get you back in the fight.
Ma, why are you here? Son, you've turned into a grade-A pussy since you stopped drinking.
There's a lot of love in this room.
So, basically what's gonna happen is they're gonna say some things, and you'll say some things, and then we're done.
So, Abby, why don't you start us off since your intestines are on borrowed time? I am fine.
[Stomach gurgles] Okay, Rod, your unaddiction has affected me in the following ways.
After spending my summer in Motaba, selflessly helping others I realized that life [Stomach gurgles loudly] Oh, g I'm just I'm too emotional.
[Stomach gurgles] [Winces] Now do you see the damage you're causing? Fairbell, you're up.
Oh, Rod, I remember that time last "Julee" when you took me to Bass Pro Shop.
Then you left me locked in the car and I waited in there for 5 hours until I passed out because of hot.
Abby! - Yes? - Wait up.
Oh, I'll just be a minute.
It won't take but a second.
[Stomach gurgles] [Groans, humming] [Sighs] [Sighs] I was wondering [chuckles] between us girls, uh, you've got your ear to the street.
[Stomach gurgles] What are people saying about me? Oh, that you're doing great.
Just great! Well, I appreciate that.
Bu-u-ut what do you think? [Stomach gurgles] I mean, y-you've always been a straight shooter with me.
[Stomach gurgles] What is going on with you? Are you sick from that stupid trip to Africa? No! No, I'm fine.
[Gasps] You're hiding something.
[Grunts] The guys are in the multi-purpose room trying to get Rod to drink again.
Oh, Goddamn it! Ugh! And after the fireman was done kissing me, I woke up, went next door, and found you in the Toby Keith's I Love This Bar & Grill very, very, very drunk.
That was that was one of the best afternoons of my life.
Thank you, Fairbell.
I know how difficult that was.
Not emotionally, but the reading.
Loren, you ready? Oh.
[Sniffles] [Sniffling] Be strong.
Dearest Rod, that afternoon we spent partying in the bed of your truck during the strike was the highlight of my career.
I remember thinking, "Man, anything's possible as long as I have my buddy here.
" My little hot Rod.
[Voice breaking] But now I see that pickup truck, and all I see is a lie.
[Sighs] And that hurts.
It hurts when you break promises, Cody.
You say you're gonna hang out with me then you ditch me to hang out with Dalton? Dalton's just a total d-bag who talks [bleep] about you behind your back and everybody knows that.
He didn't even come to your birthday party.
They don't know you like I know you, dude.
[Bleep] This is horrible.
[Sobbing] [Gasps] I think this seven layer dip has eight layers.
O-okay, listen, Rod, you're probably wondering what it is that we're offering you.
Right now, outside, we have a car waiting for you to take you to the Lions Lair, where your mother has graciously set up a $100 bar tab.
Well drinks only.
Rod, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna lie to you.
I've been where you're at right now and I have faced the scourge that is sobriety.
I've stared that demon down and I just want to say you can get off that wagon.
So get off that wagon, Rob.
- Get off that wagon.
- Get off that wagon.
- Jump.
- Get off that wagon.
- Get off the wagon, Cody.
- Get off that wagon.
Get off that wagon.
Get off that wagon.
What the [bleep] is wrong with you people? I was curious about that myself.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is not what it looks like, Tammy.
Well it looks like a reverse intervention to me.
Well, then it is definitely what it looks like.
You three, in my office, first thing tomorrow morning! Now get out! I better see you at that bar.
[Sighs] You know what, Roddy? I'm sorry.
It's not eight layers, it's still seven.
Just a second layer of bean.
[Sighs] What do you guys think Tammy wants to talk to us about, tomorrow? What? We're probably getting fired, Fairbell.
So, drink up.
You know what? If I was principal, I would never fire anybody.
Also, I'd put root beer in all the water fountains, promise.
Got my vote.
I'm still not even sure how Tammy knew that we were trying to get Rod drinking again.
- Yeah.
- That's crazy.
Mm-hmm.
I-I she probably just sensed it, you know? She's a very smart lady.
I just wish it wasn't her dropping the ax.
She's always had it out for me.
Getting fired is not the worst thing that can happen to someone.
You're right, that is.
[Gunfire, helicopter blades whirring] [Crying] I never should've taken a picture with that monkey.
What the [bleep].
[Sighs] I mean, that that has got to be a different.
Okay, I ruined another country and got horrible dysentery.
Is that what you want me to say? - Yeah, that's exactly it.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's exactly what I've been waiting for.
Yeah.
I got sick drinking dirty water out of a UN tire track, and then they had to airlift me after only two days.
I almost died.
There was so much blood, you guys! Ugh.
It was coming out of my eyes.
It was coming out of ears, it was coming out of my ass.
- Okay! Okay! Okay! Okay! - [Bleep] Stop, stop, stop.
We just wanted to hear that you were wrong and we were right, okay? That's enough.
Whoa-ho-oh! Speaking of internal collapse, This is that, uh, that chick - I've been hooking up with lately.
- Mm.
She wants to meet up.
Hey, can I borrow a rubber? You want a rubber? Yeah, no, I got one right here.
Great.
I keep it, uh, in the year 1986.
That's funny, you're right, I'm not even gonna wear one.
I'll probably just [bleep] pray on this one.
Gross.
[Door opens, closes] Guys, on the bright side, Doris gave me a handful of antibiotics that she found in the bottom of her purse.
And I feel pretty all right now.
Yeah keep chasing with booze.
Hey, club soda please.
Of course! You know, I appreciate the effort that you guys have gone through to get me back drinking.
I do, I do.
But, uh, finally I can fall asleep at night without worrying if my pancreas is gonna implode.
Look if this is what you need from us, then we can respect your choice.
And we'll stop trying to get you off the wagon.
All right? Thank you, man.
All right.
Sure.
Appreciate it.
Anyway [Chuckles] Got to hit the head, huh? [Chuckles] Geez, all right, Rod.
I didn't I didn't get a touch.
[Sighs] - That was just for us.
- Yeah.
God grant me the courage [Grunting, moaning] to accept the things I cannot change.
[Grunting, panting] [Gasps] Wait your turn, sailor, I'm too old for twofers.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay, I like it kind of [bleep].
[Both panting, moaning] - - [Sighs] [Sighs] Am I a horrible person? You get used to it.
[Sighs] Tammy: Good morning, gentlemen.
Come in, have a seat.
Yeah, listen, Tammy No, no, no.
Today I speak.
And let me tell you something.
I have watched you three squander every opportunity you've been given.
Me? I earned my way.
Nobody handed me anything.
But not you guys.
And today, that entitlement ends.
[Chuckles] You recognize these? Our termination forms.
Yeah, good Fairbell.
Now, I'm going to frame these and hang them up for motivation.
They're gonna be my new "Hang in there!" kitty posters.
[Chuckles] It seems to me that everything in my life has led up to this very moment.
[Laughs] Now, believe me when I say that it gives me great pleasure to say that you are fi Yoo-hoo! I think somebody parked in my spot.
Be a lamb and move it for me, will ya? Ow.
Ah, e-excuse me.
C-can I help you? Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Cattie Goodman.
I'm your new principal.
C-C-Cattie G-Goodman? The district fixer? Aw, well, I do what I can.
[Laughs] And now I'm here to fix up Smoot.
Well, just one second.
Tammy was actually right No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
I think what Tammy was actually about to say - is how excited we are - Exactly.
As teachers and how in need of real change we are here at Smoot.
Actually I was in the middle of firing these boys.
Oh.
Well, in that case, I just have to ask.
Whatever gave you the idea that you were in control of personnel? I me oh, oh honey.
Honey.
You didn't think they were gonna let a secretary become the permanent principal, now did ya? [Chuckling] Oh.
But you don't know what these guys have done! Darling, at every new school I reform, I start off with a clean slate policy.
That's so funny 'cause Tammy has this clean plate policy.
[Laughs] Boom, I'm back in the game! Why don't you get to stepping right there.
Hey, maybe you could get some hot water for me, for my chamomile tea.
There you go.
Thank ya.
I appreciate it.
A little quicker, a little quicker.
And so our dance continues, Tam-Tam.
Oh, no no.
This is just began.
She should get one of those that says "goodbye".
Ow! Come on! Tammy you forgot your keys.