Top Gear (2002) s18e03 Episode Script
Filming a Climactic Car Chase
Tonight, I drive around a field, James measures a runway, and Richard lays a cable.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Hello, everybody! Hello and good evening.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, as we know, James May lives in 1956.
So he maintains that you can have more fun in a small, simple car like an Austin A35 or a Wolseley Hornet, than you can in the big, fire-spitting super-cars that Hammond and I thump round the track every week.
Yes, so we said to him, "All right, as a special treat this week, "why don't you do the power test? "Get yourself down to the track because we have found a car "that could have been made specifically with you in mind.
" JEREMY CACKLES When I arrived at the track, everything looked promising.
That is a Vauxhall Corsa.
Ah, there's a note.
It's from Pinky and Perky.
"Dear James, hope you enjoy taking this to the max.
"PS, it was developed at your most favourite place "in the whole wide world.
" Oh, God.
This wasn't what I had in mind.
But since I was here and the camera crew were paid for, I had no choice but to get on with it.
Well, it's certainly quick.
And a top speed of Hell, this is a Vauxhall Corsa! The engine is a beefed-up version of the standard 1.
6-litre turbo.
And it's now been coupled with a new sports exhaust, as a result of which, it produces 202 horsepower.
put through the front wheels of a small car like this.
And the results ought to be pretty dramatic.
And by dramatic, I mean, of course, appalling in the bends.
So let's see if that's true with the aid of our senior cornering solutions consultant.
TYRES SQUEAL Now, on paper, this really ought not to work, all that power in the front wheels should just make it plough straight on in the corners and consume its own tyres.
But actually, it doesn't.
The reason for that is they've given this car a bespoke suspension, especially set-up for this and they've developed a clever diff, which manages the way the power is fed to the wheels.
It's good, isn't it? It's actually better than good.
And I have to admit, that its time on the Nurburgring has made this one of the best-handling hot hatchbacks you can buy.
So it was developed on a track.
And it's brilliant on a track.
But on the road Bloody hell.
Well, I'm very pleased to be able to report that my prejudices remain completely intact.
When you add the word Nurburgring to the name of a car, it's really just code for "ruined", because the ride is absolutely rock hard.
Ooh! It's ridiculous.
Ooh! Car makers become obsessed with making their cars go around this irrelevant historic German racetrack as fast as possible, without realising that they're ruining the car for those of us who live in the real world.
Ow! It's utterly hopeless.
It's not just ruined, it's expensively ruined, because this car costs £22,000.
With a few options, like leather seats and sat nav, it's over £24,000.
This isn't what I meant when I said small cars can be fun.
What I meant was this - the new Fiat Panda.
It doesn't have a yobbo body kit or a map of a track on the dash and although its engine IS turbocharged, it's only a 0.
8-litre two-cylinder that makes a modest Yet, I believe this car is more fun than the Corsa.
TYRES SQUEAL It's not actually about how much power you have, it's about how much power you can use.
And in this, you can use pretty much all of it, all of the time.
Ahh! HE LAUGHS 'Look, I like sitting 5mm above the road in a 500 horsepower supercar 'as much as anybody else.
' Whee! 'But skinny tyres and a roly-poly body, that's fun.
' The lack of grip means that, more of the time, you are driving this car at the edge, even at quite normal speeds and it's at the edge where things become absolutely tremendous.
Oh, bit of squirrelling.
And as for that engine, well, it may be tiny but it packs a punch.
And it sounds just brilliant.
I love that thrumming noise! Rrrrrr! It's such a happy sound.
It's a bit like a dog running round with a frisbee in its mouth going "Come on, come on, throw the frisbee.
" And the cost of this bundle of fun? Around £11,000.
Half the price of the Corsa.
However, there is a potential problem with a small-engined car.
Here's the Stig, taking the Panda from 0 to 70 and back to nought again.
He did that, according to the wheel o'distance, in 305 metres.
But the big question is, how does a small-engined car like this cope when it's weighed down with people? Now, if it's just the Stig, then it makes no odds, as you can see quite clearly.
But if it's normal members of the public, then I think we may have a problem.
You see, according to the newspapers, more than a quarter of adults are now obese.
And in just a few years' time, over 50% of the population will be absolutely enormous.
So, what could a typical family of the future do to this car's performance? BEEP TYRES SQUEAL Right, so with just the Stig, it was 305 metres.
With our family on board, it took an extra more than half as much again.
So, if you buy this car, you might want to think about going easy on the pasties.
But trust me, it's worth it.
James Hunt was once famously asked, what was the best car he'd ever driven and the answer was not a Ferrari or a Porsche or any supercar, it was his old Austin A35 van, which had virtually no power and very, very skinny tyres.
In other words, exactly the same qualities you get with the Panda.
And if that's good enough for James Hunt, I rest my case.
Thank you.
And goodbye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm I'm glad you brought James Hunt into it, James I'm always getting you two muddled up.
Well, we do have quite a lot in common.
I mean, same name.
Same hair.
I wish you had the same pulse rate.
Because I have never heard so much drivel.
Let me make it absolutely plain.
A car becomes interesting at the limit of grip of its tyres, OK? And in things like a big Lambo or a big Aston, those things you like, that happens at really colossal speed.
So you have to drive them on the track to have fun in them.
Yes.
On a car like this, that stuff happens at normal speeds, so you don't need to go to the track.
You enjoy them on a normal road at normal speeds.
That's rubbish.
A normal hatchback, you drive it round a city centre, it's not skidding about all over the place.
But this is.
This is on those eco fuel-saving tyres.
I went straight off So you're saying, the Fiat Panda's good because it crashes more easily? LAUGHTER Yes.
And, it's now time to find out how fast it goes around our track.
No, no, no.
The programme isn't long enough to put a Panda round.
Oh, go on! It isn't, it isn't.
We're going to see how fast the Vauxhall goes and that means, of course, handing it over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that he has 50,000 photographs of his own camera.
LAUGHTER And that 60 years ago this week, he, too, became a queen.
LAUGHTER All we know is he's called the Stig! And he's away.
Lots of wheel spin off the line.
It's a cold day out there.
The air's dense and small turbocharged engines like that.
Look at it flying into the first corner.
Sticky tyres howling in pain.
"THE ARCHERS" THEME TUNE Oh, dear, the Stig continues his obsession with The Archers, tracking tidily around Chicago.
Clever limited slip diff doing its job.
Hard on the brakes for Hammerhead.
Will it understeer? No.
Getting a bit squirrelly, though.
Looks like the back end wants to step out.
Certainly more exciting to watch than May's Panda.
'I'm not very hungry.
I've been nibbling all morning making stuff for the freezer for Thursday.
' Midlands mimsy there.
Right, unleashing all it's got.
Chucking snow on to the follow-through.
There's no doubt, cars developed at the Nurburgring are useless on the road.
James is right about that but this isn't a road and it's doing well.
A little blob of phlegm.
Coming up now to Gambon.
Round it like it terrier and across the line! APPLAUSE And it did it in one minute No, it didn't.
One minute 31 seconds is where it did it.
So, James, can we now stop doing small, simple hatchbacks in the power tests? You can, yes.
Good, thank you.
You are sacked.
LAUGHTER Well, that's good news.
And speaking of which, it is time to do the news.
I start off with something very exciting.
Because there is a new Morgan and after an absence of ten years, they have revived their legendary Plus 8 name.
They've made a new one.
I have a picture.
Here it is.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
Morgan don't have a styling department, do they? They've just got a photocopier.
It's not like a normal photocopier.
Normally, you select the size.
On Morgans, you select the year.
Anything from 1931 to 1935.
Shut up.
It's an all-new car.
It's got the classic body shape, yes.
But it's got a 4.
8-litre BMW V8 in there.
It'll be good for 60, probably under four seconds.
It's going to be the fastest-accelerating Morgan they've made ever.
Wow(!) It's exciting! Do you have to buy the petrol with those ration coupons? No, shut up.
It's actually very modern.
It's got a bonded aluminium chassis and the aluminium body is super formed, it's very hi tech.
What? How many guineas is it? LAUGHTER Its 85,000 POUNDS.
It's very modern and hi tech and I want one of those very much indeed.
It's fantastic.
You can't have one, there's a war on.
LAUGHTER They'll have to melt it down to make Spitfires.
Shut up, it's exciting and I want one.
I've got news about Toyota and Subaru because they've collaborated on a new car.
It's called a GT 86.
This is going to be £25,000, which makes it more expensive than a VW Scirocco.
And it's not the best-looking car in the world, is it? No, it isn't.
But the interesting thing about it, the thing that means everyone is anticipating this very eagerly, is it has a limited slip differential and rear-wheel drive.
It's hard to explain really to non-car people why real-wheel drive is important.
So, let me put it this way.
Front-wheel drive is cornflour.
And rear-wheel drive it is a roux.
That's quite good, isn't it? Yes, that's good.
What are you going on about?! Cornflour, you use it to thicken a sauce, say.
Why would you want to thicken a sauce? Ketchup comes out of a bottle and I don't want it thicker, that's just what it is.
I have to let you into a little secret we learned.
Richard Hammond has his Sunday lunch every Sunday.
Anyone here familiar with the Countrywide chain of stores? Yeah? They are big cash-and-carry warehouses for rural people.
And you go there and buy stones and gravel and things for your horses and he has his lunch there.
They do a nice Sunday roast, 5.
99.
How much? the vegetables you want.
I bet you any money that they have wilted cos they've been boiled for so long.
They're properly cooked, yeah.
That's not properly cooked! That's ruined! "Oh, Richard Hammond will be here on Sunday, we better put the sprouts on now.
" It's like going for your lunch in B&Q.
A big treat, children, this week, we are going to have lunch in Halfords! That's very funny but can I get back to the car? The thing about it is, it isn't a great-looking car and it is a bit pricey, but, it also has a boxer engine in it.
Yes, two-litre.
That's good, isn't it? Would you like to explain, Jeremy, why having a boxer configuration engine is a good thing? Yes, I will.
Really? A boxer engine is like going to Jamie Oliver's restaurant for your lunch.
And a normal engine is like going to Countrywide with over-boiled vegetables.
It's a nice lunch.
They give you a wooden spoon with a number on and when they call the number, you get your meat and then all the vegetables you want.
WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "Mr Hammond, your table for four.
" LAUGHTER Good news, chaps.
No, what? There's a new Dacia.
CHEERING Thank you.
And I've got a picture of it.
That's a looker, isn't it?! Anyway, moving on.
Whiplash is a charter for fraudsters.
We all know this.
You have a car accident and you go, "Oh, I've got whiplash," and you rape the other motorist's insurance policy and you get benefits for the rest of your life.
The Government has said this has to stop.
So they have announced, the Government, all right, that if the impact speed is less than 6.
25 miles an hour, you can't have whiplash.
But they're also saying that if it is 6.
5, you could get whiplash at that speed.
You can do that speed sitting down quickly.
Look, I'm doing 6.
25, I've got whiplash.
It should be 63.
That would be a reasonable speed.
The question should be, he is your car absolutely and entirely wrecked? Is it crumpled like a discarded crisp bag, in which case, you might have a point.
Has the boot lid badge been a stencilled on to your own spine? Well, then you've got whiplash.
No, it's can you actually look up your own arse now? LAUGHTER Then you've possibly got some whiplash.
Could be.
I do genuinely believe that people who've got whiplash when they haven't, I don't believe in capital punishment, but they should be shot.
Where would you shoot them? In the head.
I meant more sort of geographically.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
On their own or in front of anyone, Do you want to say that? Sort it out.
Goes well when you do.
Maybe on a different show.
Let's just get it so we can straighten out your belief.
Who do you think should be shot, where and in front of whom? Oh, now, moving it on LAUGHTER I've got some actual news.
Don't be daft.
In our news section? In the news section.
It's not just rubbish.
Careful, we're in uncharted waters here.
OK.
I have it on good authority that Land Rover is currently working on a 300-horsepower convertible version of the new Evoke.
The Evoke? Have you got a picture? I've got a picture here of the hard-top one.
It's so secret, this.
Only I Well, everybody now knows about it.
So I thought Stand back, he's got scissors! Oh ho! Look at him concentrate, look at him now! LAUGHTER It's the Top Gear orang-utan, look at his happy little face.
Completely absorbed in his own world.
And if you watch very carefully, you can see Jeremy's mouth moving in time.
It's quite tricky going down the wing mirror.
A tricky bit now, isn't it? Ready? And across the line! Actually, it looks quite good, doesn't it! Am I right in saying, that would be the first ever convertible off-road car? Yeah, well, apart from the original Willys Jeep, the first Toyota Land Cruiser and the original Land Rover.
Apart from that Apart from the very origins, Genesis, the whole foundation, if you will, of the entire concept of the off-roader is founded upon a convertible.
Did I say that out loud? You did and we all heard it.
That's a bit like saying they should make a song called Blue Suede Shoes.
Yes, they should do.
There's a new car I want to tell you about.
I'll flash it up on the screen for one second and I want you to tell me what it is.
Are you ready? Here we go.
And, on.
And off.
What was that? Aston Martin.
You see, it wasn't.
That, in fact, let's get it up again, that is the new Mondeo.
Is it? Was it done by a Chinese person? LAUGHTER Let me explain because this is quite complicated.
That's been launched in America already as the Ford Fusion.
It's not coming to Britain until next year.
So Ford in Britain, they're not admitting that is the new Mondeo because they think people won't continue to buy the current one for a year, but it is the new Mondeo and it's coming next year, so there.
Now, if you're under 40, you may not remember a television show called The Sweeney.
So, to fill you in, every week, it was a cop show in essence.
Every week, the hero would have some casual sex with a lady.
Then he'd punch a baddie in the middle of his face and then drive a Ford Granada very briskly across some waste ground in Saaf London.
Now, the reason we bring this up is we heard the other day that they were making a film of this TV series starring Ray Winstone and Plan B.
And this gave us an idea.
For ages, we have wanted to make a proper movie car chase.
We reckon we'd be pretty good at it.
So we got in touch with the film's producers and we said, "There's bound to be a car chase in it so can Hammond and I "make it for you?" And they said yes! This being The Sweeney, the location was in the Saaf of England.
And while the main crew were hard at work shooting shoot-outs And people jumping off boats, Hammond and I were trying to decide what sort of car chase we wanted to make.
And then there was the Bond film in Vietnam and it was just stupid stunt, after stupid stunt, all shot from a helicopter.
So you never had a sense of speed.
So you want to be close, so if a car does like a jump and a roll, you want to be up close and maybe see the driver's face, as if you were in the car? No, there is no jump and roll.
There would be stunts, it is a car chase.
No, no.
Here is an idea.
So, say, helicopter here.
Car comes out.
Barrel roll happens.
Bam! Boom! You want be back wide so you can see the helicopter.
We are not having any cars crashing into helicopters.
But No, we're not.
Why? Because that's just stupid.
This is the Sweeney.
It's a real police chase.
Honestly, just think.
Ronin, Bullitt.
The Italian Job, the original one.
Good, gritty car chases because they're real.
How many jumps where the car went "Whee!" Were there in Ronin? But we need to drag The Sweeney into this century so we need cars going into helicopters.
What are those drawings? What are those drawings? Car going into helicopter.
We haven't got What's that?! That is very clever.
Right.
Train going along.
There isn't a carriage.
It's one of those flat ones.
And he times his jump No, no, no.
No.
There's a chance 'Since we weren't getting anywhere' No! 'I went off to meet our actors.
' I want to shoot 'em.
No, you've shot four already.
Shoot them together.
Hello.
Actors, hi.
My name's Richard.
I'm, I'm, the director, I suppose.
And, um, so, you're Plan B? I'm Plan B, nice to meet you.
Can I call you Plan? Yeah, if you want.
And, over here, of course, morning.
Delighted to meet you.
Hello, mate.
It's an honour to work with you, really.
When are you working with us? Later on today we are going to be doing some stunt work.
You'll be able to handle it, the variety of stuff you've done.
We're a bit busy in here at the minute.
Can you go and rabbit somewhere else? I know you are busy, that's great.
It'll be mega! And you're going to handle all of it so well.
What am I going to handle well? What are you talking about? The Long Good Friday.
Grit, anger in there.
The Long Good Friday.
Anger.
And the same career, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? No, that's not him.
No, I'm not Bob Hoskins, mate.
Whilst Hammond was making friends with the stars, I was making the cars that the film's producers had chosen.
The baddies would be using a Jaguar XFR.
And the goodies, a Ford Focus ST.
And straight away, there's a problem.
Because anyone who knows anything about cars will watch this film and say, "There's no way that a Ford Focus "can keep up with a supercharged The speed difference, as I shall now demonstrate on our closed piece of road, is immense.
ENGINE ROARS To make matters worse, this isn't an ST.
It's a 1.
6-litre eco boost with ST badges, ST wheels and look, fake dials on the dashboard.
I decided to put these concerns to the film's director, Nick Love.
The problem you've got is a Ford Focus cannot keep up with a Jag.
It's about the skill of the driver, not the car.
It's a story being told.
No.
If Regan is a good driver, he can keep up with anybody.
You can't.
You can in my film.
You can't, because we are directing this.
You're going to have to get faster cars than the Focus.
We have a very restricted amount of money and we can't What are we going to do, buy Ferraris? What's the budget? Of the film? Yes.
Three million quid.
Whoa! What, for just this film? Three million.
That's nothing.
Let's put them in Veyrons, Bugatti.
You could get two for that.
Could you also explain to him, we're trying to keep it real.
He wants to do this thing where it jumps over a train.
The idea is, get this That's bollocks.
A train comes along and when it comes through, your man's there in his car and he times it jumps through the gap.
That's real.
Brilliant.
We're going to need something faster than the Focus.
No, we're just going to think big in terms of action.
This is a motorway bridge.
You know, where they haven't finished building, but look, it's beginning to twist and that's a helicopter.
I'm getting a migraine.
You are talking BLEEP, the pair of you.
You want to do a commercial and you want a film that no-one will believe.
If you're going to do it, do it properly, that's all I'm saying.
Having got the distinct impression that I couldn't change the cars, I had to get creative.
Sorry about this, mate.
We have the baddie.
So, the front-wheel drive Ford would be driven by former rally champion Mark Higgins, and the rear-drive Jag by drifting world champion Mauro Calo.
OK.
Three, two, one, to catch up, go.
And to get round the speed difference, I'd created a scene in which the Jag is held up by traffic.
HORN BLARES And three, two, one, hit.
Try again, try again, try again.
Whoa! Yes! Man alive, are we getting some shots here! Whilst Jeremy was lost in the land of reality, I was at the location for the climax of the chase, a deserted caravan park, where I was setting up a dramatic jump.
You're all right, you're all right.
Oh, yeah.
And hold it there, that's perfect.
I come racing up that field.
Between those two posts there'll be a barrier and I smash through it.
That's some drama.
Up the ramp, I get air.
There, past the caravans and land on the grass.
With the ramp hidden from the cameras, I nicked one of the back-up Focuses and was ready to go.
I'd love it if they use the actual shot with me doing it.
That would be brilliant.
I'd be in the film.
First off, drive through the gate post.
And now, get me some air! Yeah! That felt good, that felt like we had air and everything.
However, when I watched it back on the monitor Play it again.
This is rubbish.
Meanwhile, I was now filming the cars from the front, which meant my drivers had to be made to look exactly like the main actors.
What's going to happen is your alongside him.
You're going exactly the same speed.
When he's ready to make this turn, you're not ready to make this turn, you think he's going on down there.
He's going to lock up, which causes your handbrake turn but we'll get that in a minute.
I then disconnected the Jag's anti-lock brakes so it would lock up in a cloud of tyre smoke and then we went for a take.
OK, we're ready.
Mark, less moving around, less moving.
Yes, that's good.
Oh! TYRES SQUEAL Ooh! I may have to go to the lavatory for a little while.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What? Hold on a minute.
How the hell could you not know who Ray Winstone is? Think that it - middle-aged, Cockney actor, it's just Bob Hoskins, isn't it? It just is.
And that bit with the car when you drove them together, that was just wanton destruction? No, it wasn't.
We had three Jags.
And five Ford Focuses.
And remember, we had £3 million to play with.
No, we didn't have three million quid but we were allowed to do light damage.
We really were.
Anyway, we'll pick that up later on.
Now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
Over the years, we've had many guests on this programme.
All different sorts.
Men, women, Americans, Germans.
A lesbian.
LAUGHTER We've never had a Canadian, though.
That, however, is ABOOT to change.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ryan Reynolds! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How are you? I'm very well, how are you? I'm very well, thank you.
Hi, everybody.
Hello, hello.
Hello! Have a seat.
I'd love to.
Have a seat.
It's like looking in a mirror! It really is! It really is! Not for you! So, 2010, you were voted the sexiest man alive.
AUDIENCE: Woo! That was 2010, though! I'm on the lecture circuit now! I was just thinking, your schooldays, were they just a blizzard of snogging and smooth moves? No, it wasn't that.
I was a bit of a little pariah at school.
I have three older brothers, all of whom were kicked out of this very same school, so from the moment I got there, I was a marked man.
What were they kicked out for? Just random things.
Just mostly drugs and violence.
OK! And I was kicked out for something I think you'd appreciate.
I was kicked out for stealing a car.
Stealing a car? But wait, I didn't actually steal a vehicle.
What we did was, a teacher that we had was just 100% awful, he had this little car, one of those little Volkswagens, and so my friends and I just played an April Fools' prank on him.
We picked it up, we lifted it up and carried it down the block, about eight of us.
We talked about this last week.
The best fun you can have with a little car is pick it up and turn it round so it's facing the other way Fun practical joke.
That's a better idea, because in Canada, if you move it more than ten feet, it's a felony.
I didn't know that.
So you moved a car more than ten feet and then that was grand theft auto? Yeah, one city block was, yeah, 100% grand theft.
Now, obviously, sexiest man alive, 2010, but reading through your notes, also clumsiest man alive.
Mmm.
Oh, definitely, yeah.
There's a thing Zurich, Switzerland it is impossible to hurt yourself in Zurich.
You go there, you eat cheese and then you come home.
So, how did you manage to hurt yourself? I jumped off a bridge.
But there was water below.
And I dove in and I broke a vertebrae by diving in.
AUDIENC GROANS You've also been run over? I have been run over, yeah.
I was 19 years old, I was in Vancouver and I was at a bar, I had a few drinks, I'd left my car and I decided to walk home.
Being responsible.
Exactly.
And I was crossing the street, it was about two in the morning and I was hit by a drunk driver.
LAUGHTER I always wondered if he tells people that he got hit by a drunk pedestrian.
LAUGHTER I would.
So did that hurt? Yeah, that was bad.
I broke a lot of bones.
That was all the left side of my body I broke.
But I was 19, so at that point, you're just made of rubber and magic.
LAUGHTER You healed? Yeah.
Bearing in mind you can't jump off a bridge without breaking your back, was skydiving the perfect hobby to take up? God, you're like my mother! LAUGHTER Old enough! Just killing me! My friends were trying to get their license, so I decided I would get my license, skydiving, and I did 12 jumps, which were all highly successful! And then it was 13! And the 13th one, I had a problem, where the chute didn't open, and I had to pull the reserve.
But the weird thing is, when you're in a situation like that, you're flying down at 120 miles per hour, and when your chute doesn't open, you seriously have to think about pulling the other one.
That's the weird thing.
Time slows down and you're thinking, "If I pull the other one, then I'll have none left.
" LAUGHTER "So, I'm just going to wait to see if something happens.
" And sure enough, at the last minute, I pulled the reserve chute, which you can't steer, and I ended up landing in a field which contained only a dead horse.
I don't know what omen that is.
Usually, it's a black crow that tells you you're going to die, but I just landed next to a dead horse.
You have a new film out, Safe House.
I do, yeah.
So when's the movie out? The film is out February 24th here in the UK.
We have a clip of that, which we're going to show for you now.
Let's have a look.
TYRES SQUEAL APPLAUSE That's a good crash! It was a good crash! That's Denzel Washington.
Yes, backseat driving right there! Elbowing you in the face! Yeah.
So what is it about? Give us the plot, give us the story.
I play a guy who's what's called a safe house operator, a housekeeper.
There are CIA-owned apartments and flats all around the world, and they're run by usually a low-level CIA guy.
And then, one day, in walks Denzel Washington's character, who's probably one of the world's worst murdering, sociopathic Hannibal Lecter types.
And I'm left to deal with this guy, who I'm deeply ill-equipped to deal with.
So it's not like The Devil Wears Prada, then? No! It's not The Proposal II.
It's not a romcom.
No, that's good.
Can I just say that God is normally quite fair Yeah.
with his dishing-out of talents.
For instance, David Beckham, he's said, "He's going to be very good-looking, "talented footballer, "and to balance that up, I'll give him a squeaky voice.
" You're funny and good-looking and not fat where's your squeaky voice? What's my? Have you got BO? Have I got 41 nipples? Have you got very tiny testes? It's like Braille down there, Jeremy.
LAUGHTER A very short novel.
That's what it is - Braille.
Yeah, the whole system.
Everybody has I have a lot of things wrong.
I'm blind, I'm deaf, I've got no sense of smell cos I have a cold, which I haven't mentioned.
Thank you for the tongue kiss earlier.
LAUGHTER Just went deep with it, too! No, we all have crazy faults.
My fault isn't something horrendous, like, "I can't stop murdering children.
" LAUGHTER I just can't stop.
I like to think I'm a horrible driver Horrible or bad? I ride motorcycles everywhere, so you can race up through traffic, it's bumper to bumper, and when your oncoming traffic is stopped, you just go right up the middle.
But I have this tendency when I am in a vehicle to think I can slip that entire vehicle right up the middle.
And it's only at the last second when I'm hitting the brakes, coming to a halt.
You remember you're in a car.
You like bikes? I like bikes a lot, yeah.
What sort of bikes? I have an old Paul Smart Ducati, which is a nice little bike.
I know what a Ducati is! Yeah, Ducati.
I have a Deus.
Is it "Deuce" or "Day-us"? "Day-us", yeah.
It's D-E-U-S? That's how we pronounce it, but you guys say "Niss-un", so I have no idea what's happening.
Every car's pronounced differently in America.
The Hyundai's a "Hundee".
"Nee-sun, Vee-dub-ya, Jag-war.
"Bee-em-dub-ya.
" Here, what is it, "Jag-yur"? "Jag-yoo-ar.
" How it's spelt.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE No, I'm sorry, that was mean of me! Now, you came down here to obviously try your hand in the Kia Cee-apostrophe-d.
What was your goal? My goal was just to see if I could drive a manual car.
I haven't done that since high school, so that was interesting.
Really? Yeah.
Who'd like to see Ryan's lap? Oh, boy.
AUDIENCE: Yeah! Play the tape! 'Aggressive start.
Crisp day.
' That smells exactly like clutch.
'Smells like clutch? 'Clutch does smell like clutch.
' 'Does smell bad, yeah.
' 'Annoying thing.
The wide Formula 1 line in there.
' 'I'm a big guy, I make that whole car look like a children's toy.
' 'You should see me in it.
' 'Looks like a sweater, made of metal.
' LAUGHTER 'Every time I shift, I make a dumb face.
' 'That's wide, that's really wide.
' 'Terrible.
' 'No, it could give you a fast Where are you going?' BLEEP! BLEEP manual! BLEEP! 'Yeah! There! Right?' 'The beep machine has obviously blown up 'Now, keeping it tidy through the lines there.
Yes, pretty good.
'Very good, actually.
' Very good.
'Are we going to be able to find fourth?' Turn from hell coming up.
'Oh, yeah, this turn, not fun every time.
' 'That's almost beautiful.
' 'Yeah.
'That's what I call the adult diaper.
' 'Whoa, that's cutting that one! 'That's quite uncomfortable at that speed.
' 'Yeah.
' 'Look at it gripping.
That's nicely done.
Not too cheaty on the cutting.
'And around Gambon.
' There we are, ladies and gentlemen, across the line! There we go! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow! So Where would you like to appear on the board? I'm going to say somewhere in the middle.
Didn't you Actually, I know you did, cos you told our researchers, you were desperate, cos you went back out "Do you mind if I have another go?" "Give me another shot.
" Cos you wanted to beat Tom Cruise.
Yeah, I did want to beat Tom Cruise.
I wasn't talking about the driving, though.
LAUGHTER Yes, I'm going to guess that I have 1:45.
really generous.
You did a one Ugh! This is terrible forty OK, there's a four.
three Oh! AUDIENCE: Ooh! point seven.
You beat Tom Cruise! You're a faster driver! Wow! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow! All right! Congratulations.
Give me that cold! Take that back! This is Wow, that's worth getting your pneumonia for! I love that! Life just gets worse.
You look like that and you're funny and you're a film star and you can drive.
Yeah, but I break every bone in my body almost with the cycle of each moon, so don't worry.
I'll hurt myself on the way out.
Well, it's been a pleasure to meet you, and a pleasure for those girls to stand so close to you.
Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Reynolds! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, tonight, Jeremy and I are having a go at making a car chase for the new Sweeney movie, and so far, well, there have been a few disagreements.
Jeremy wants the action to be "realistic", which means "boring".
I want it to be exciting, full of stunts and massive explosions.
It's a film! What we've done now is we've reconnected the ABS, the electronic differential is now working, so he should be able to do a power slide through there.
Yeah.
Okey doke, here we go.
Three, two, one, hit it.
Yes, yes! 'Whilst Jeremy was faffing around with his anti-lock brakes, 'I'd raided The Sweeney's budget 'and come up with a way of getting the car to jump properly.
' It's an air cannon.
What it does is, car mounted up on the cannon there, it charges with a huge compressor there - it's actually nitrogen and it fires the car out over that way, so you get big air.
Jeremy said about keeping it real - well, check this out.
Up there.
So often when you see a car jump in a film, you realise the engine's gone.
Not this time - I've left it in.
Three million quid - what's an engine? 'With the cannon primed, we were ready for lift-off.
' OK, three, two, one! That's the jump! Yes! 'Mr Picky, however, wasn't so impressed.
' Have you ever heard the word "continuity"? Yes.
Here is your car.
Yes.
Right, the next shot is what? The next shot is Ah, no, this is where there'll be another car driving away.
No, we see it land on its roof and then we're expected to believe that somehow it's still driveable? This is the movies, that's what happens.
Did you never watch CHiPs? Remember that? They'd ride along, one minute you've got a man on a Harley approaching the back of a lorry with its tailgate down, then he's done a massive jump, briefly he's on a dirt bike, then he lands, he's back on the Harley again.
That's rubbish.
That's the movies! We all expect that! This car will never work! It's not plausible! You can't edit your way out of that! Just let me get in the edit suite and work some magic.
You won't believe it.
'First, though, I needed some close-up shots of the actors, 'which I would then cut into the scene 'where the car flies through the air.
' Does Nick know about this? Yeah, yeah, bang on.
Are you sure? Yeah.
'Because we'd got off to a bad start, I was keen to demonstrate they were in good hands.
' You're going to be in the air, and at that point, if you'd both give me excitement - you're in a chase - elation you're in the air - but I want to see determination as well.
You're in a chase, mixed with vengeful, righteous fury.
So there's so many emotions going on in this split second, there's so many emotions you're going to have to feel.
Let's start with nothing, OK? OK.
That's a blank canvas.
As you hit the ramp Richard, I don't feel like you're giving me enough direction.
You're giving it all to him.
What about me? Ben, blank again for me.
Blank.
You're throwing a hissy now, ain't you? Let's blank it and let's start OK, remember, elation, excitement, vengeful fury and fear.
So, vengeful fury comes before fear? At the same time.
What am I frightened of, though? It's already happened, ain't it? I wouldn't be frightened after the event.
Wouldn't I be frightened when I'm in the air? We're in the air.
Oh, them four emotions take place in the air? Yeah.
You're in the air for a while.
It'll be a long while, won't it? It's a big jump.
And just one last thing - we have to land.
I'm going to say, "Forwards," and you go forwards, I'm going say, "Backwards" Forwards, backwards, and away.
Forwards, backwards, forwards and away, or backwards, forwards, backwards? No, it's forwards, you land forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, then drive away.
I thought there had to be another backwards.
Oh, I'm confused.
Don't forget, I want to catch just a whispering trace of those emotions from the sky.
They're dissipating as you land Oh, don't he go on! BLEEP sake.
'While Richard Ford Coppola was with the stars, 'I was trying to make the angry director 'understand the problems of driving a big Jag around a caravan park.
' I have to slide this car on grass, and the problem is, the traction control is on, so it's not letting me slide.
Foot hard down.
Hard down, and it won't slide.
That is the traction control on.
Can I just say, that was BLEEP.
Do you want to see it with traction control off? Yeah.
OK.
Now watch this.
OK.
Get the power on, feel the tail go.
Hold that slide.
That is what we need.
Which do you prefer, traction control on or off? Off.
Off? Yes.
That means you're going to have to have a line of dialogue where one of them says, "Turn the traction control off.
" Not in my film, no.
You're going to have to.
It's ten seconds to do it.
You have to hold it down for ten seconds.
Anyone who's got a Jag watching the film will go, "You can't do that.
" It doesn't matter.
It's not a BLEEP film for Jag watchers.
It's a film for everyone to go to the cinema.
Why doesn't he say, "Why do they make it ten seconds?" He can say that.
No! Cos it kills the WALKIE TALKIE BEEPS Oh, BLEEP off.
It kills the tension! I want a film that connects to a wide audience.
I know, but Can I finish? Can I just speak? is the main car chase.
You can't have someone pressing a BLEEP button.
What are you going to do, a close-up of a button? Yeah.
You're not putting that in my film.
I like the traction control off, I don't want all bollocks about what it does and what it doesn't do.
You said you wanted me to do something real.
I'm doing something real.
Actually, you know what you should do - BLEEP off.
'This altercation meant the director was not in the best of moods 'when he went to have a look at an edit of Richard's big jump.
' Right, look.
This is still work in progress, but I have begun the polishing process, and I've worked on the sound.
OK.
Enjoy.
TYRES SCREECH LOUDLY ENGINE REVS LOUDLY EXPLOSION BLEEP! TYRES SCREECH It's all there, isn't it? OK, what I've done here is I've set up a practice area for the next stunt, so I don't leave tyre marks in the grass at the actual location, which is over there.
DISTANT SHOUTS Well, I guess we were wondering how the world's angriest man would respond to Hammond's car jump, and now we know.
Come here, you BLEEP! Little BLEEP! I'll kill you! 'Because the director was busy hurting Richard 'for writing off one of the Fords, 'I seized the opportunity to give the baddies their new dialogue.
' You're driving, aren't you? Yes.
I need you to say, "Turn off the ABS.
" You say, "How?" And you say, "Pull the rhythm.
" How do you say that in Serbian? What? How do you say it in Serbian? I'm Serbian.
You're Serbian? Yeah.
Have a look.
I've written this all in rhyming slang.
Rhythm and blues - fuse.
Or you could say "Rodney".
No, he's a Serb.
But he'll have learned his English, won't you, in London.
He's only been here a day.
Rhythm.
Do it with a Borat accent.
AS BORAT: Pull the Rodney.
AS BORAT: Pull the Rodney.
Yes! AS BORAT: Pull the Rodney.
Rodney Bewes, fuse.
Similarly Go on.
You go, "How many horsepower has that Ford got?" OK, right.
"250.
" It hasn't actually, really, but don't let that bother you.
"250.
" "God, Plod must be Robin.
" Robin Hood.
"God, Plod must be Robin.
" Cos they're keeping up with you.
God, Plod must be Robin.
Yeah? "We've got 503.
" Now, this is the critical bit.
When you're in the caravan site, you AS BORAT: Turn off the traction control! AS BORAT: Turn off the traction control! Love it.
"'Ow.
'Ow.
'Ow do I do that? Whatever you want.
" Oh, "'Ow," you mean? "'Ow.
" AS BORAT: Push the Len.
AS BORAT: Push the Len.
Push the Len.
It's Len Hutton.
Was he a cricketer or a trade-union leader? Trade-union leader.
Was he? No, he was a cricketer.
Whatever he was, it's Len.
AS BORAT: Push the Len.
And then, this is the complicated bit that we really do need to get in.
AS BORAT: You have to hold it down for ten seconds.
AS BORAT: You have to hold it down for ten seconds.
Yeah.
It ain't the most riveting dialogue.
It depends how you deliver it.
You're in a panic - turn off the traction control! Where's the Len?! Where's the Len?! OK, all right, let's do it.
Good.
Thanks very much.
'With the dialogue sorted, I went to see my rather bruised colleague, 'who was now setting up a stunt in which the Jag would clip a caravan.
' What are you doing? Filling the caravan with petrol.
Why? So it explodes when the car hits it.
Boom! Why would the caravan explode? Because I've filled it with petrol.
But caravans are made from plywood, and plywood does not blow up when you bang into it.
It doesn't.
They have gas bottles in them.
They would explode.
See, that's what I'm replicating.
Car, "Boom!" OK Just a "Boof", OK? Just a "Boof".
Yeah.
But please don't go mad.
No.
'I then went to the other side of the caravan park, 'because a piece of equipment called a Russian arm, 'which costs £6,000 a day to rent, had just arrived 'from the set of Spielberg's War Horse.
' There it is.
It's gyro stabilised, so it's smooth even if the car's going over rough ground.
So even when the car's moving along, it can do that, which gives you very, very dynamic shots.
This is what Hammond doesn't understand.
You can use the camera to make the chase, the real chase, exciting.
You don't need to have the car going through the air with two people out of the sunroof with MAC-10s, shooting at the car behind.
'Eventually, Hammond called to say the caravan clip stunt was ready.
'But since my pro drivers were busy with the Russian arm, 'I fired up a back-up Jag 'and volunteered to do the driving myself.
' B camera.
Got my own airbag here, so if I do that, I'll be OK.
Perspex in case I hit the driver's door.
Airbags are disconnected.
Traction control is off.
OK.
DIRECTOR: 'Cameras recording, please.
' ENGINE REVS 'Action, Jeremy.
' KABOOM! Whoa! What the hell?! Hammond! It was supposed to be a gas bottle.
What the hell? You blew the wrong caravan up! You hit the wrong one! I didn't hit the wrong one, that was the one we were supposed to You should have labelled it! Have you any idea? The angry man is going to see this, he's going to see that, and then he's going to see his £50,000 Jaguar XFR.
Ooh, my lord.
That wasn't supposed to happen.
He said, "Light bodywork damage" You ripped its arse off.
" because then Jaguar could repair it "and I don't have to pay the full price.
" He's going to see what's happened here, Hammond, wrong caravan this the explosion was late God almighty.
There's the edit.
How can you edit an explosion to happen earlier than it does? You know Ray Winstone was watching that explosion from here, OK? He's watching, and this is not a word of a lie, that's a piece of glass from the caravan that's penetrated this caravan.
If that had hit here, would you like to know what Sophie Raworth would have said on The Six O'Clock News tonight? 'Hammond and I decided to beat a retreat 'before the world's angriest man found out 'how much of his money had gone up in smoke.
'To try and cheer him up, we decided to demonstrate that, 'despite all the mishaps, we had ended up with a good car chase.
' On here? HORN BLARES How many horsepower has Plod got? AS BORAT: 250.
God, Plod must be Robin.
This thing's got 503.
TYRES SCREECH HORN BLARES AS BORAT: Turn off the ABS.
'Ow do you do that? 'Ow? 'Ow? 'Ow? AS BORAT: Pull the rhythm.
TYRES SCREECH Gritty.
EXPLOSION AS BORAT: Turn off the traction control.
'Ow? AS BORAT: You have to hold it down for ten seconds.
Why didn't we get a BMW? You only have to push the Len for five seconds.
TYRES SQUEAL Full ten? Oh, yeah, ten seconds, and then the viewer's left in no doubt.
Go! KABOOM! CRASH I think when the world's angriest man sees that, he's going to be quite pleased.
Is he? I think so.
I know there are one or two rough edges in it, but overall, it has a gritty reality.
He's very keen on hero shots - you've seen Ray, you've seen Plan.
This is Ray Winstone out of The Departed, Ray Winstone out of Cold Mountain.
Out of bet364 adverts.
There he is, rocking about as the car lands, and I think I think we can pat ourselves on the back.
I don't know where he is now, but he's probably regretting his behaviour today.
It was just a personality clash.
Really? Oh Oh, not my car.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This perfectly sane, rational, very professional man was driven to an act of petty vandalism by your incompetence? He ruined my car.
You ruined his film! Can I just say, actually, we got a call the other day, and this is absolutely true, from a Hollywood producer who asked if we could film a lorry chase through Moscow for the new Die Hard film.
Seriously.
But he'll change his mind when he sees that, won't he? A-ha! You say that, but we brought back the rushes, the raw material, from our shoot, and we gave that to the editors, OK? It's still work in progress, but who here would like to see what they've come up with? AUDIENCE: Yeah.
OK, let's run the tape, let's have a look.
TYRES SQUEAL HORNS BLARE HORN BLARES GUNSHOTS GUNFIRE APPLAUSE Yeah! Come on! Yeah! Actually, it's not bad.
It's not bad at all.
And on that bombshell, it is time to end.
Thank you very much for watching.
See you next week, goodnight!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Hello, everybody! Hello and good evening.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, as we know, James May lives in 1956.
So he maintains that you can have more fun in a small, simple car like an Austin A35 or a Wolseley Hornet, than you can in the big, fire-spitting super-cars that Hammond and I thump round the track every week.
Yes, so we said to him, "All right, as a special treat this week, "why don't you do the power test? "Get yourself down to the track because we have found a car "that could have been made specifically with you in mind.
" JEREMY CACKLES When I arrived at the track, everything looked promising.
That is a Vauxhall Corsa.
Ah, there's a note.
It's from Pinky and Perky.
"Dear James, hope you enjoy taking this to the max.
"PS, it was developed at your most favourite place "in the whole wide world.
" Oh, God.
This wasn't what I had in mind.
But since I was here and the camera crew were paid for, I had no choice but to get on with it.
Well, it's certainly quick.
And a top speed of Hell, this is a Vauxhall Corsa! The engine is a beefed-up version of the standard 1.
6-litre turbo.
And it's now been coupled with a new sports exhaust, as a result of which, it produces 202 horsepower.
put through the front wheels of a small car like this.
And the results ought to be pretty dramatic.
And by dramatic, I mean, of course, appalling in the bends.
So let's see if that's true with the aid of our senior cornering solutions consultant.
TYRES SQUEAL Now, on paper, this really ought not to work, all that power in the front wheels should just make it plough straight on in the corners and consume its own tyres.
But actually, it doesn't.
The reason for that is they've given this car a bespoke suspension, especially set-up for this and they've developed a clever diff, which manages the way the power is fed to the wheels.
It's good, isn't it? It's actually better than good.
And I have to admit, that its time on the Nurburgring has made this one of the best-handling hot hatchbacks you can buy.
So it was developed on a track.
And it's brilliant on a track.
But on the road Bloody hell.
Well, I'm very pleased to be able to report that my prejudices remain completely intact.
When you add the word Nurburgring to the name of a car, it's really just code for "ruined", because the ride is absolutely rock hard.
Ooh! It's ridiculous.
Ooh! Car makers become obsessed with making their cars go around this irrelevant historic German racetrack as fast as possible, without realising that they're ruining the car for those of us who live in the real world.
Ow! It's utterly hopeless.
It's not just ruined, it's expensively ruined, because this car costs £22,000.
With a few options, like leather seats and sat nav, it's over £24,000.
This isn't what I meant when I said small cars can be fun.
What I meant was this - the new Fiat Panda.
It doesn't have a yobbo body kit or a map of a track on the dash and although its engine IS turbocharged, it's only a 0.
8-litre two-cylinder that makes a modest Yet, I believe this car is more fun than the Corsa.
TYRES SQUEAL It's not actually about how much power you have, it's about how much power you can use.
And in this, you can use pretty much all of it, all of the time.
Ahh! HE LAUGHS 'Look, I like sitting 5mm above the road in a 500 horsepower supercar 'as much as anybody else.
' Whee! 'But skinny tyres and a roly-poly body, that's fun.
' The lack of grip means that, more of the time, you are driving this car at the edge, even at quite normal speeds and it's at the edge where things become absolutely tremendous.
Oh, bit of squirrelling.
And as for that engine, well, it may be tiny but it packs a punch.
And it sounds just brilliant.
I love that thrumming noise! Rrrrrr! It's such a happy sound.
It's a bit like a dog running round with a frisbee in its mouth going "Come on, come on, throw the frisbee.
" And the cost of this bundle of fun? Around £11,000.
Half the price of the Corsa.
However, there is a potential problem with a small-engined car.
Here's the Stig, taking the Panda from 0 to 70 and back to nought again.
He did that, according to the wheel o'distance, in 305 metres.
But the big question is, how does a small-engined car like this cope when it's weighed down with people? Now, if it's just the Stig, then it makes no odds, as you can see quite clearly.
But if it's normal members of the public, then I think we may have a problem.
You see, according to the newspapers, more than a quarter of adults are now obese.
And in just a few years' time, over 50% of the population will be absolutely enormous.
So, what could a typical family of the future do to this car's performance? BEEP TYRES SQUEAL Right, so with just the Stig, it was 305 metres.
With our family on board, it took an extra more than half as much again.
So, if you buy this car, you might want to think about going easy on the pasties.
But trust me, it's worth it.
James Hunt was once famously asked, what was the best car he'd ever driven and the answer was not a Ferrari or a Porsche or any supercar, it was his old Austin A35 van, which had virtually no power and very, very skinny tyres.
In other words, exactly the same qualities you get with the Panda.
And if that's good enough for James Hunt, I rest my case.
Thank you.
And goodbye.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I'm I'm glad you brought James Hunt into it, James I'm always getting you two muddled up.
Well, we do have quite a lot in common.
I mean, same name.
Same hair.
I wish you had the same pulse rate.
Because I have never heard so much drivel.
Let me make it absolutely plain.
A car becomes interesting at the limit of grip of its tyres, OK? And in things like a big Lambo or a big Aston, those things you like, that happens at really colossal speed.
So you have to drive them on the track to have fun in them.
Yes.
On a car like this, that stuff happens at normal speeds, so you don't need to go to the track.
You enjoy them on a normal road at normal speeds.
That's rubbish.
A normal hatchback, you drive it round a city centre, it's not skidding about all over the place.
But this is.
This is on those eco fuel-saving tyres.
I went straight off So you're saying, the Fiat Panda's good because it crashes more easily? LAUGHTER Yes.
And, it's now time to find out how fast it goes around our track.
No, no, no.
The programme isn't long enough to put a Panda round.
Oh, go on! It isn't, it isn't.
We're going to see how fast the Vauxhall goes and that means, of course, handing it over to our tame racing driver.
Some say that he has 50,000 photographs of his own camera.
LAUGHTER And that 60 years ago this week, he, too, became a queen.
LAUGHTER All we know is he's called the Stig! And he's away.
Lots of wheel spin off the line.
It's a cold day out there.
The air's dense and small turbocharged engines like that.
Look at it flying into the first corner.
Sticky tyres howling in pain.
"THE ARCHERS" THEME TUNE Oh, dear, the Stig continues his obsession with The Archers, tracking tidily around Chicago.
Clever limited slip diff doing its job.
Hard on the brakes for Hammerhead.
Will it understeer? No.
Getting a bit squirrelly, though.
Looks like the back end wants to step out.
Certainly more exciting to watch than May's Panda.
'I'm not very hungry.
I've been nibbling all morning making stuff for the freezer for Thursday.
' Midlands mimsy there.
Right, unleashing all it's got.
Chucking snow on to the follow-through.
There's no doubt, cars developed at the Nurburgring are useless on the road.
James is right about that but this isn't a road and it's doing well.
A little blob of phlegm.
Coming up now to Gambon.
Round it like it terrier and across the line! APPLAUSE And it did it in one minute No, it didn't.
One minute 31 seconds is where it did it.
So, James, can we now stop doing small, simple hatchbacks in the power tests? You can, yes.
Good, thank you.
You are sacked.
LAUGHTER Well, that's good news.
And speaking of which, it is time to do the news.
I start off with something very exciting.
Because there is a new Morgan and after an absence of ten years, they have revived their legendary Plus 8 name.
They've made a new one.
I have a picture.
Here it is.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
Morgan don't have a styling department, do they? They've just got a photocopier.
It's not like a normal photocopier.
Normally, you select the size.
On Morgans, you select the year.
Anything from 1931 to 1935.
Shut up.
It's an all-new car.
It's got the classic body shape, yes.
But it's got a 4.
8-litre BMW V8 in there.
It'll be good for 60, probably under four seconds.
It's going to be the fastest-accelerating Morgan they've made ever.
Wow(!) It's exciting! Do you have to buy the petrol with those ration coupons? No, shut up.
It's actually very modern.
It's got a bonded aluminium chassis and the aluminium body is super formed, it's very hi tech.
What? How many guineas is it? LAUGHTER Its 85,000 POUNDS.
It's very modern and hi tech and I want one of those very much indeed.
It's fantastic.
You can't have one, there's a war on.
LAUGHTER They'll have to melt it down to make Spitfires.
Shut up, it's exciting and I want one.
I've got news about Toyota and Subaru because they've collaborated on a new car.
It's called a GT 86.
This is going to be £25,000, which makes it more expensive than a VW Scirocco.
And it's not the best-looking car in the world, is it? No, it isn't.
But the interesting thing about it, the thing that means everyone is anticipating this very eagerly, is it has a limited slip differential and rear-wheel drive.
It's hard to explain really to non-car people why real-wheel drive is important.
So, let me put it this way.
Front-wheel drive is cornflour.
And rear-wheel drive it is a roux.
That's quite good, isn't it? Yes, that's good.
What are you going on about?! Cornflour, you use it to thicken a sauce, say.
Why would you want to thicken a sauce? Ketchup comes out of a bottle and I don't want it thicker, that's just what it is.
I have to let you into a little secret we learned.
Richard Hammond has his Sunday lunch every Sunday.
Anyone here familiar with the Countrywide chain of stores? Yeah? They are big cash-and-carry warehouses for rural people.
And you go there and buy stones and gravel and things for your horses and he has his lunch there.
They do a nice Sunday roast, 5.
99.
How much? the vegetables you want.
I bet you any money that they have wilted cos they've been boiled for so long.
They're properly cooked, yeah.
That's not properly cooked! That's ruined! "Oh, Richard Hammond will be here on Sunday, we better put the sprouts on now.
" It's like going for your lunch in B&Q.
A big treat, children, this week, we are going to have lunch in Halfords! That's very funny but can I get back to the car? The thing about it is, it isn't a great-looking car and it is a bit pricey, but, it also has a boxer engine in it.
Yes, two-litre.
That's good, isn't it? Would you like to explain, Jeremy, why having a boxer configuration engine is a good thing? Yes, I will.
Really? A boxer engine is like going to Jamie Oliver's restaurant for your lunch.
And a normal engine is like going to Countrywide with over-boiled vegetables.
It's a nice lunch.
They give you a wooden spoon with a number on and when they call the number, you get your meat and then all the vegetables you want.
WEST COUNTRY ACCENT: "Mr Hammond, your table for four.
" LAUGHTER Good news, chaps.
No, what? There's a new Dacia.
CHEERING Thank you.
And I've got a picture of it.
That's a looker, isn't it?! Anyway, moving on.
Whiplash is a charter for fraudsters.
We all know this.
You have a car accident and you go, "Oh, I've got whiplash," and you rape the other motorist's insurance policy and you get benefits for the rest of your life.
The Government has said this has to stop.
So they have announced, the Government, all right, that if the impact speed is less than 6.
25 miles an hour, you can't have whiplash.
But they're also saying that if it is 6.
5, you could get whiplash at that speed.
You can do that speed sitting down quickly.
Look, I'm doing 6.
25, I've got whiplash.
It should be 63.
That would be a reasonable speed.
The question should be, he is your car absolutely and entirely wrecked? Is it crumpled like a discarded crisp bag, in which case, you might have a point.
Has the boot lid badge been a stencilled on to your own spine? Well, then you've got whiplash.
No, it's can you actually look up your own arse now? LAUGHTER Then you've possibly got some whiplash.
Could be.
I do genuinely believe that people who've got whiplash when they haven't, I don't believe in capital punishment, but they should be shot.
Where would you shoot them? In the head.
I meant more sort of geographically.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
On their own or in front of anyone, Do you want to say that? Sort it out.
Goes well when you do.
Maybe on a different show.
Let's just get it so we can straighten out your belief.
Who do you think should be shot, where and in front of whom? Oh, now, moving it on LAUGHTER I've got some actual news.
Don't be daft.
In our news section? In the news section.
It's not just rubbish.
Careful, we're in uncharted waters here.
OK.
I have it on good authority that Land Rover is currently working on a 300-horsepower convertible version of the new Evoke.
The Evoke? Have you got a picture? I've got a picture here of the hard-top one.
It's so secret, this.
Only I Well, everybody now knows about it.
So I thought Stand back, he's got scissors! Oh ho! Look at him concentrate, look at him now! LAUGHTER It's the Top Gear orang-utan, look at his happy little face.
Completely absorbed in his own world.
And if you watch very carefully, you can see Jeremy's mouth moving in time.
It's quite tricky going down the wing mirror.
A tricky bit now, isn't it? Ready? And across the line! Actually, it looks quite good, doesn't it! Am I right in saying, that would be the first ever convertible off-road car? Yeah, well, apart from the original Willys Jeep, the first Toyota Land Cruiser and the original Land Rover.
Apart from that Apart from the very origins, Genesis, the whole foundation, if you will, of the entire concept of the off-roader is founded upon a convertible.
Did I say that out loud? You did and we all heard it.
That's a bit like saying they should make a song called Blue Suede Shoes.
Yes, they should do.
There's a new car I want to tell you about.
I'll flash it up on the screen for one second and I want you to tell me what it is.
Are you ready? Here we go.
And, on.
And off.
What was that? Aston Martin.
You see, it wasn't.
That, in fact, let's get it up again, that is the new Mondeo.
Is it? Was it done by a Chinese person? LAUGHTER Let me explain because this is quite complicated.
That's been launched in America already as the Ford Fusion.
It's not coming to Britain until next year.
So Ford in Britain, they're not admitting that is the new Mondeo because they think people won't continue to buy the current one for a year, but it is the new Mondeo and it's coming next year, so there.
Now, if you're under 40, you may not remember a television show called The Sweeney.
So, to fill you in, every week, it was a cop show in essence.
Every week, the hero would have some casual sex with a lady.
Then he'd punch a baddie in the middle of his face and then drive a Ford Granada very briskly across some waste ground in Saaf London.
Now, the reason we bring this up is we heard the other day that they were making a film of this TV series starring Ray Winstone and Plan B.
And this gave us an idea.
For ages, we have wanted to make a proper movie car chase.
We reckon we'd be pretty good at it.
So we got in touch with the film's producers and we said, "There's bound to be a car chase in it so can Hammond and I "make it for you?" And they said yes! This being The Sweeney, the location was in the Saaf of England.
And while the main crew were hard at work shooting shoot-outs And people jumping off boats, Hammond and I were trying to decide what sort of car chase we wanted to make.
And then there was the Bond film in Vietnam and it was just stupid stunt, after stupid stunt, all shot from a helicopter.
So you never had a sense of speed.
So you want to be close, so if a car does like a jump and a roll, you want to be up close and maybe see the driver's face, as if you were in the car? No, there is no jump and roll.
There would be stunts, it is a car chase.
No, no.
Here is an idea.
So, say, helicopter here.
Car comes out.
Barrel roll happens.
Bam! Boom! You want be back wide so you can see the helicopter.
We are not having any cars crashing into helicopters.
But No, we're not.
Why? Because that's just stupid.
This is the Sweeney.
It's a real police chase.
Honestly, just think.
Ronin, Bullitt.
The Italian Job, the original one.
Good, gritty car chases because they're real.
How many jumps where the car went "Whee!" Were there in Ronin? But we need to drag The Sweeney into this century so we need cars going into helicopters.
What are those drawings? What are those drawings? Car going into helicopter.
We haven't got What's that?! That is very clever.
Right.
Train going along.
There isn't a carriage.
It's one of those flat ones.
And he times his jump No, no, no.
No.
There's a chance 'Since we weren't getting anywhere' No! 'I went off to meet our actors.
' I want to shoot 'em.
No, you've shot four already.
Shoot them together.
Hello.
Actors, hi.
My name's Richard.
I'm, I'm, the director, I suppose.
And, um, so, you're Plan B? I'm Plan B, nice to meet you.
Can I call you Plan? Yeah, if you want.
And, over here, of course, morning.
Delighted to meet you.
Hello, mate.
It's an honour to work with you, really.
When are you working with us? Later on today we are going to be doing some stunt work.
You'll be able to handle it, the variety of stuff you've done.
We're a bit busy in here at the minute.
Can you go and rabbit somewhere else? I know you are busy, that's great.
It'll be mega! And you're going to handle all of it so well.
What am I going to handle well? What are you talking about? The Long Good Friday.
Grit, anger in there.
The Long Good Friday.
Anger.
And the same career, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? No, that's not him.
No, I'm not Bob Hoskins, mate.
Whilst Hammond was making friends with the stars, I was making the cars that the film's producers had chosen.
The baddies would be using a Jaguar XFR.
And the goodies, a Ford Focus ST.
And straight away, there's a problem.
Because anyone who knows anything about cars will watch this film and say, "There's no way that a Ford Focus "can keep up with a supercharged The speed difference, as I shall now demonstrate on our closed piece of road, is immense.
ENGINE ROARS To make matters worse, this isn't an ST.
It's a 1.
6-litre eco boost with ST badges, ST wheels and look, fake dials on the dashboard.
I decided to put these concerns to the film's director, Nick Love.
The problem you've got is a Ford Focus cannot keep up with a Jag.
It's about the skill of the driver, not the car.
It's a story being told.
No.
If Regan is a good driver, he can keep up with anybody.
You can't.
You can in my film.
You can't, because we are directing this.
You're going to have to get faster cars than the Focus.
We have a very restricted amount of money and we can't What are we going to do, buy Ferraris? What's the budget? Of the film? Yes.
Three million quid.
Whoa! What, for just this film? Three million.
That's nothing.
Let's put them in Veyrons, Bugatti.
You could get two for that.
Could you also explain to him, we're trying to keep it real.
He wants to do this thing where it jumps over a train.
The idea is, get this That's bollocks.
A train comes along and when it comes through, your man's there in his car and he times it jumps through the gap.
That's real.
Brilliant.
We're going to need something faster than the Focus.
No, we're just going to think big in terms of action.
This is a motorway bridge.
You know, where they haven't finished building, but look, it's beginning to twist and that's a helicopter.
I'm getting a migraine.
You are talking BLEEP, the pair of you.
You want to do a commercial and you want a film that no-one will believe.
If you're going to do it, do it properly, that's all I'm saying.
Having got the distinct impression that I couldn't change the cars, I had to get creative.
Sorry about this, mate.
We have the baddie.
So, the front-wheel drive Ford would be driven by former rally champion Mark Higgins, and the rear-drive Jag by drifting world champion Mauro Calo.
OK.
Three, two, one, to catch up, go.
And to get round the speed difference, I'd created a scene in which the Jag is held up by traffic.
HORN BLARES And three, two, one, hit.
Try again, try again, try again.
Whoa! Yes! Man alive, are we getting some shots here! Whilst Jeremy was lost in the land of reality, I was at the location for the climax of the chase, a deserted caravan park, where I was setting up a dramatic jump.
You're all right, you're all right.
Oh, yeah.
And hold it there, that's perfect.
I come racing up that field.
Between those two posts there'll be a barrier and I smash through it.
That's some drama.
Up the ramp, I get air.
There, past the caravans and land on the grass.
With the ramp hidden from the cameras, I nicked one of the back-up Focuses and was ready to go.
I'd love it if they use the actual shot with me doing it.
That would be brilliant.
I'd be in the film.
First off, drive through the gate post.
And now, get me some air! Yeah! That felt good, that felt like we had air and everything.
However, when I watched it back on the monitor Play it again.
This is rubbish.
Meanwhile, I was now filming the cars from the front, which meant my drivers had to be made to look exactly like the main actors.
What's going to happen is your alongside him.
You're going exactly the same speed.
When he's ready to make this turn, you're not ready to make this turn, you think he's going on down there.
He's going to lock up, which causes your handbrake turn but we'll get that in a minute.
I then disconnected the Jag's anti-lock brakes so it would lock up in a cloud of tyre smoke and then we went for a take.
OK, we're ready.
Mark, less moving around, less moving.
Yes, that's good.
Oh! TYRES SQUEAL Ooh! I may have to go to the lavatory for a little while.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What? Hold on a minute.
How the hell could you not know who Ray Winstone is? Think that it - middle-aged, Cockney actor, it's just Bob Hoskins, isn't it? It just is.
And that bit with the car when you drove them together, that was just wanton destruction? No, it wasn't.
We had three Jags.
And five Ford Focuses.
And remember, we had £3 million to play with.
No, we didn't have three million quid but we were allowed to do light damage.
We really were.
Anyway, we'll pick that up later on.
Now, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.
Over the years, we've had many guests on this programme.
All different sorts.
Men, women, Americans, Germans.
A lesbian.
LAUGHTER We've never had a Canadian, though.
That, however, is ABOOT to change.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ryan Reynolds! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE How are you? I'm very well, how are you? I'm very well, thank you.
Hi, everybody.
Hello, hello.
Hello! Have a seat.
I'd love to.
Have a seat.
It's like looking in a mirror! It really is! It really is! Not for you! So, 2010, you were voted the sexiest man alive.
AUDIENCE: Woo! That was 2010, though! I'm on the lecture circuit now! I was just thinking, your schooldays, were they just a blizzard of snogging and smooth moves? No, it wasn't that.
I was a bit of a little pariah at school.
I have three older brothers, all of whom were kicked out of this very same school, so from the moment I got there, I was a marked man.
What were they kicked out for? Just random things.
Just mostly drugs and violence.
OK! And I was kicked out for something I think you'd appreciate.
I was kicked out for stealing a car.
Stealing a car? But wait, I didn't actually steal a vehicle.
What we did was, a teacher that we had was just 100% awful, he had this little car, one of those little Volkswagens, and so my friends and I just played an April Fools' prank on him.
We picked it up, we lifted it up and carried it down the block, about eight of us.
We talked about this last week.
The best fun you can have with a little car is pick it up and turn it round so it's facing the other way Fun practical joke.
That's a better idea, because in Canada, if you move it more than ten feet, it's a felony.
I didn't know that.
So you moved a car more than ten feet and then that was grand theft auto? Yeah, one city block was, yeah, 100% grand theft.
Now, obviously, sexiest man alive, 2010, but reading through your notes, also clumsiest man alive.
Mmm.
Oh, definitely, yeah.
There's a thing Zurich, Switzerland it is impossible to hurt yourself in Zurich.
You go there, you eat cheese and then you come home.
So, how did you manage to hurt yourself? I jumped off a bridge.
But there was water below.
And I dove in and I broke a vertebrae by diving in.
AUDIENC GROANS You've also been run over? I have been run over, yeah.
I was 19 years old, I was in Vancouver and I was at a bar, I had a few drinks, I'd left my car and I decided to walk home.
Being responsible.
Exactly.
And I was crossing the street, it was about two in the morning and I was hit by a drunk driver.
LAUGHTER I always wondered if he tells people that he got hit by a drunk pedestrian.
LAUGHTER I would.
So did that hurt? Yeah, that was bad.
I broke a lot of bones.
That was all the left side of my body I broke.
But I was 19, so at that point, you're just made of rubber and magic.
LAUGHTER You healed? Yeah.
Bearing in mind you can't jump off a bridge without breaking your back, was skydiving the perfect hobby to take up? God, you're like my mother! LAUGHTER Old enough! Just killing me! My friends were trying to get their license, so I decided I would get my license, skydiving, and I did 12 jumps, which were all highly successful! And then it was 13! And the 13th one, I had a problem, where the chute didn't open, and I had to pull the reserve.
But the weird thing is, when you're in a situation like that, you're flying down at 120 miles per hour, and when your chute doesn't open, you seriously have to think about pulling the other one.
That's the weird thing.
Time slows down and you're thinking, "If I pull the other one, then I'll have none left.
" LAUGHTER "So, I'm just going to wait to see if something happens.
" And sure enough, at the last minute, I pulled the reserve chute, which you can't steer, and I ended up landing in a field which contained only a dead horse.
I don't know what omen that is.
Usually, it's a black crow that tells you you're going to die, but I just landed next to a dead horse.
You have a new film out, Safe House.
I do, yeah.
So when's the movie out? The film is out February 24th here in the UK.
We have a clip of that, which we're going to show for you now.
Let's have a look.
TYRES SQUEAL APPLAUSE That's a good crash! It was a good crash! That's Denzel Washington.
Yes, backseat driving right there! Elbowing you in the face! Yeah.
So what is it about? Give us the plot, give us the story.
I play a guy who's what's called a safe house operator, a housekeeper.
There are CIA-owned apartments and flats all around the world, and they're run by usually a low-level CIA guy.
And then, one day, in walks Denzel Washington's character, who's probably one of the world's worst murdering, sociopathic Hannibal Lecter types.
And I'm left to deal with this guy, who I'm deeply ill-equipped to deal with.
So it's not like The Devil Wears Prada, then? No! It's not The Proposal II.
It's not a romcom.
No, that's good.
Can I just say that God is normally quite fair Yeah.
with his dishing-out of talents.
For instance, David Beckham, he's said, "He's going to be very good-looking, "talented footballer, "and to balance that up, I'll give him a squeaky voice.
" You're funny and good-looking and not fat where's your squeaky voice? What's my? Have you got BO? Have I got 41 nipples? Have you got very tiny testes? It's like Braille down there, Jeremy.
LAUGHTER A very short novel.
That's what it is - Braille.
Yeah, the whole system.
Everybody has I have a lot of things wrong.
I'm blind, I'm deaf, I've got no sense of smell cos I have a cold, which I haven't mentioned.
Thank you for the tongue kiss earlier.
LAUGHTER Just went deep with it, too! No, we all have crazy faults.
My fault isn't something horrendous, like, "I can't stop murdering children.
" LAUGHTER I just can't stop.
I like to think I'm a horrible driver Horrible or bad? I ride motorcycles everywhere, so you can race up through traffic, it's bumper to bumper, and when your oncoming traffic is stopped, you just go right up the middle.
But I have this tendency when I am in a vehicle to think I can slip that entire vehicle right up the middle.
And it's only at the last second when I'm hitting the brakes, coming to a halt.
You remember you're in a car.
You like bikes? I like bikes a lot, yeah.
What sort of bikes? I have an old Paul Smart Ducati, which is a nice little bike.
I know what a Ducati is! Yeah, Ducati.
I have a Deus.
Is it "Deuce" or "Day-us"? "Day-us", yeah.
It's D-E-U-S? That's how we pronounce it, but you guys say "Niss-un", so I have no idea what's happening.
Every car's pronounced differently in America.
The Hyundai's a "Hundee".
"Nee-sun, Vee-dub-ya, Jag-war.
"Bee-em-dub-ya.
" Here, what is it, "Jag-yur"? "Jag-yoo-ar.
" How it's spelt.
Yeah.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE No, I'm sorry, that was mean of me! Now, you came down here to obviously try your hand in the Kia Cee-apostrophe-d.
What was your goal? My goal was just to see if I could drive a manual car.
I haven't done that since high school, so that was interesting.
Really? Yeah.
Who'd like to see Ryan's lap? Oh, boy.
AUDIENCE: Yeah! Play the tape! 'Aggressive start.
Crisp day.
' That smells exactly like clutch.
'Smells like clutch? 'Clutch does smell like clutch.
' 'Does smell bad, yeah.
' 'Annoying thing.
The wide Formula 1 line in there.
' 'I'm a big guy, I make that whole car look like a children's toy.
' 'You should see me in it.
' 'Looks like a sweater, made of metal.
' LAUGHTER 'Every time I shift, I make a dumb face.
' 'That's wide, that's really wide.
' 'Terrible.
' 'No, it could give you a fast Where are you going?' BLEEP! BLEEP manual! BLEEP! 'Yeah! There! Right?' 'The beep machine has obviously blown up 'Now, keeping it tidy through the lines there.
Yes, pretty good.
'Very good, actually.
' Very good.
'Are we going to be able to find fourth?' Turn from hell coming up.
'Oh, yeah, this turn, not fun every time.
' 'That's almost beautiful.
' 'Yeah.
'That's what I call the adult diaper.
' 'Whoa, that's cutting that one! 'That's quite uncomfortable at that speed.
' 'Yeah.
' 'Look at it gripping.
That's nicely done.
Not too cheaty on the cutting.
'And around Gambon.
' There we are, ladies and gentlemen, across the line! There we go! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow! So Where would you like to appear on the board? I'm going to say somewhere in the middle.
Didn't you Actually, I know you did, cos you told our researchers, you were desperate, cos you went back out "Do you mind if I have another go?" "Give me another shot.
" Cos you wanted to beat Tom Cruise.
Yeah, I did want to beat Tom Cruise.
I wasn't talking about the driving, though.
LAUGHTER Yes, I'm going to guess that I have 1:45.
really generous.
You did a one Ugh! This is terrible forty OK, there's a four.
three Oh! AUDIENCE: Ooh! point seven.
You beat Tom Cruise! You're a faster driver! Wow! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow! All right! Congratulations.
Give me that cold! Take that back! This is Wow, that's worth getting your pneumonia for! I love that! Life just gets worse.
You look like that and you're funny and you're a film star and you can drive.
Yeah, but I break every bone in my body almost with the cycle of each moon, so don't worry.
I'll hurt myself on the way out.
Well, it's been a pleasure to meet you, and a pleasure for those girls to stand so close to you.
Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Reynolds! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, tonight, Jeremy and I are having a go at making a car chase for the new Sweeney movie, and so far, well, there have been a few disagreements.
Jeremy wants the action to be "realistic", which means "boring".
I want it to be exciting, full of stunts and massive explosions.
It's a film! What we've done now is we've reconnected the ABS, the electronic differential is now working, so he should be able to do a power slide through there.
Yeah.
Okey doke, here we go.
Three, two, one, hit it.
Yes, yes! 'Whilst Jeremy was faffing around with his anti-lock brakes, 'I'd raided The Sweeney's budget 'and come up with a way of getting the car to jump properly.
' It's an air cannon.
What it does is, car mounted up on the cannon there, it charges with a huge compressor there - it's actually nitrogen and it fires the car out over that way, so you get big air.
Jeremy said about keeping it real - well, check this out.
Up there.
So often when you see a car jump in a film, you realise the engine's gone.
Not this time - I've left it in.
Three million quid - what's an engine? 'With the cannon primed, we were ready for lift-off.
' OK, three, two, one! That's the jump! Yes! 'Mr Picky, however, wasn't so impressed.
' Have you ever heard the word "continuity"? Yes.
Here is your car.
Yes.
Right, the next shot is what? The next shot is Ah, no, this is where there'll be another car driving away.
No, we see it land on its roof and then we're expected to believe that somehow it's still driveable? This is the movies, that's what happens.
Did you never watch CHiPs? Remember that? They'd ride along, one minute you've got a man on a Harley approaching the back of a lorry with its tailgate down, then he's done a massive jump, briefly he's on a dirt bike, then he lands, he's back on the Harley again.
That's rubbish.
That's the movies! We all expect that! This car will never work! It's not plausible! You can't edit your way out of that! Just let me get in the edit suite and work some magic.
You won't believe it.
'First, though, I needed some close-up shots of the actors, 'which I would then cut into the scene 'where the car flies through the air.
' Does Nick know about this? Yeah, yeah, bang on.
Are you sure? Yeah.
'Because we'd got off to a bad start, I was keen to demonstrate they were in good hands.
' You're going to be in the air, and at that point, if you'd both give me excitement - you're in a chase - elation you're in the air - but I want to see determination as well.
You're in a chase, mixed with vengeful, righteous fury.
So there's so many emotions going on in this split second, there's so many emotions you're going to have to feel.
Let's start with nothing, OK? OK.
That's a blank canvas.
As you hit the ramp Richard, I don't feel like you're giving me enough direction.
You're giving it all to him.
What about me? Ben, blank again for me.
Blank.
You're throwing a hissy now, ain't you? Let's blank it and let's start OK, remember, elation, excitement, vengeful fury and fear.
So, vengeful fury comes before fear? At the same time.
What am I frightened of, though? It's already happened, ain't it? I wouldn't be frightened after the event.
Wouldn't I be frightened when I'm in the air? We're in the air.
Oh, them four emotions take place in the air? Yeah.
You're in the air for a while.
It'll be a long while, won't it? It's a big jump.
And just one last thing - we have to land.
I'm going to say, "Forwards," and you go forwards, I'm going say, "Backwards" Forwards, backwards, and away.
Forwards, backwards, forwards and away, or backwards, forwards, backwards? No, it's forwards, you land forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, then drive away.
I thought there had to be another backwards.
Oh, I'm confused.
Don't forget, I want to catch just a whispering trace of those emotions from the sky.
They're dissipating as you land Oh, don't he go on! BLEEP sake.
'While Richard Ford Coppola was with the stars, 'I was trying to make the angry director 'understand the problems of driving a big Jag around a caravan park.
' I have to slide this car on grass, and the problem is, the traction control is on, so it's not letting me slide.
Foot hard down.
Hard down, and it won't slide.
That is the traction control on.
Can I just say, that was BLEEP.
Do you want to see it with traction control off? Yeah.
OK.
Now watch this.
OK.
Get the power on, feel the tail go.
Hold that slide.
That is what we need.
Which do you prefer, traction control on or off? Off.
Off? Yes.
That means you're going to have to have a line of dialogue where one of them says, "Turn the traction control off.
" Not in my film, no.
You're going to have to.
It's ten seconds to do it.
You have to hold it down for ten seconds.
Anyone who's got a Jag watching the film will go, "You can't do that.
" It doesn't matter.
It's not a BLEEP film for Jag watchers.
It's a film for everyone to go to the cinema.
Why doesn't he say, "Why do they make it ten seconds?" He can say that.
No! Cos it kills the WALKIE TALKIE BEEPS Oh, BLEEP off.
It kills the tension! I want a film that connects to a wide audience.
I know, but Can I finish? Can I just speak? is the main car chase.
You can't have someone pressing a BLEEP button.
What are you going to do, a close-up of a button? Yeah.
You're not putting that in my film.
I like the traction control off, I don't want all bollocks about what it does and what it doesn't do.
You said you wanted me to do something real.
I'm doing something real.
Actually, you know what you should do - BLEEP off.
'This altercation meant the director was not in the best of moods 'when he went to have a look at an edit of Richard's big jump.
' Right, look.
This is still work in progress, but I have begun the polishing process, and I've worked on the sound.
OK.
Enjoy.
TYRES SCREECH LOUDLY ENGINE REVS LOUDLY EXPLOSION BLEEP! TYRES SCREECH It's all there, isn't it? OK, what I've done here is I've set up a practice area for the next stunt, so I don't leave tyre marks in the grass at the actual location, which is over there.
DISTANT SHOUTS Well, I guess we were wondering how the world's angriest man would respond to Hammond's car jump, and now we know.
Come here, you BLEEP! Little BLEEP! I'll kill you! 'Because the director was busy hurting Richard 'for writing off one of the Fords, 'I seized the opportunity to give the baddies their new dialogue.
' You're driving, aren't you? Yes.
I need you to say, "Turn off the ABS.
" You say, "How?" And you say, "Pull the rhythm.
" How do you say that in Serbian? What? How do you say it in Serbian? I'm Serbian.
You're Serbian? Yeah.
Have a look.
I've written this all in rhyming slang.
Rhythm and blues - fuse.
Or you could say "Rodney".
No, he's a Serb.
But he'll have learned his English, won't you, in London.
He's only been here a day.
Rhythm.
Do it with a Borat accent.
AS BORAT: Pull the Rodney.
AS BORAT: Pull the Rodney.
Yes! AS BORAT: Pull the Rodney.
Rodney Bewes, fuse.
Similarly Go on.
You go, "How many horsepower has that Ford got?" OK, right.
"250.
" It hasn't actually, really, but don't let that bother you.
"250.
" "God, Plod must be Robin.
" Robin Hood.
"God, Plod must be Robin.
" Cos they're keeping up with you.
God, Plod must be Robin.
Yeah? "We've got 503.
" Now, this is the critical bit.
When you're in the caravan site, you AS BORAT: Turn off the traction control! AS BORAT: Turn off the traction control! Love it.
"'Ow.
'Ow.
'Ow do I do that? Whatever you want.
" Oh, "'Ow," you mean? "'Ow.
" AS BORAT: Push the Len.
AS BORAT: Push the Len.
Push the Len.
It's Len Hutton.
Was he a cricketer or a trade-union leader? Trade-union leader.
Was he? No, he was a cricketer.
Whatever he was, it's Len.
AS BORAT: Push the Len.
And then, this is the complicated bit that we really do need to get in.
AS BORAT: You have to hold it down for ten seconds.
AS BORAT: You have to hold it down for ten seconds.
Yeah.
It ain't the most riveting dialogue.
It depends how you deliver it.
You're in a panic - turn off the traction control! Where's the Len?! Where's the Len?! OK, all right, let's do it.
Good.
Thanks very much.
'With the dialogue sorted, I went to see my rather bruised colleague, 'who was now setting up a stunt in which the Jag would clip a caravan.
' What are you doing? Filling the caravan with petrol.
Why? So it explodes when the car hits it.
Boom! Why would the caravan explode? Because I've filled it with petrol.
But caravans are made from plywood, and plywood does not blow up when you bang into it.
It doesn't.
They have gas bottles in them.
They would explode.
See, that's what I'm replicating.
Car, "Boom!" OK Just a "Boof", OK? Just a "Boof".
Yeah.
But please don't go mad.
No.
'I then went to the other side of the caravan park, 'because a piece of equipment called a Russian arm, 'which costs £6,000 a day to rent, had just arrived 'from the set of Spielberg's War Horse.
' There it is.
It's gyro stabilised, so it's smooth even if the car's going over rough ground.
So even when the car's moving along, it can do that, which gives you very, very dynamic shots.
This is what Hammond doesn't understand.
You can use the camera to make the chase, the real chase, exciting.
You don't need to have the car going through the air with two people out of the sunroof with MAC-10s, shooting at the car behind.
'Eventually, Hammond called to say the caravan clip stunt was ready.
'But since my pro drivers were busy with the Russian arm, 'I fired up a back-up Jag 'and volunteered to do the driving myself.
' B camera.
Got my own airbag here, so if I do that, I'll be OK.
Perspex in case I hit the driver's door.
Airbags are disconnected.
Traction control is off.
OK.
DIRECTOR: 'Cameras recording, please.
' ENGINE REVS 'Action, Jeremy.
' KABOOM! Whoa! What the hell?! Hammond! It was supposed to be a gas bottle.
What the hell? You blew the wrong caravan up! You hit the wrong one! I didn't hit the wrong one, that was the one we were supposed to You should have labelled it! Have you any idea? The angry man is going to see this, he's going to see that, and then he's going to see his £50,000 Jaguar XFR.
Ooh, my lord.
That wasn't supposed to happen.
He said, "Light bodywork damage" You ripped its arse off.
" because then Jaguar could repair it "and I don't have to pay the full price.
" He's going to see what's happened here, Hammond, wrong caravan this the explosion was late God almighty.
There's the edit.
How can you edit an explosion to happen earlier than it does? You know Ray Winstone was watching that explosion from here, OK? He's watching, and this is not a word of a lie, that's a piece of glass from the caravan that's penetrated this caravan.
If that had hit here, would you like to know what Sophie Raworth would have said on The Six O'Clock News tonight? 'Hammond and I decided to beat a retreat 'before the world's angriest man found out 'how much of his money had gone up in smoke.
'To try and cheer him up, we decided to demonstrate that, 'despite all the mishaps, we had ended up with a good car chase.
' On here? HORN BLARES How many horsepower has Plod got? AS BORAT: 250.
God, Plod must be Robin.
This thing's got 503.
TYRES SCREECH HORN BLARES AS BORAT: Turn off the ABS.
'Ow do you do that? 'Ow? 'Ow? 'Ow? AS BORAT: Pull the rhythm.
TYRES SCREECH Gritty.
EXPLOSION AS BORAT: Turn off the traction control.
'Ow? AS BORAT: You have to hold it down for ten seconds.
Why didn't we get a BMW? You only have to push the Len for five seconds.
TYRES SQUEAL Full ten? Oh, yeah, ten seconds, and then the viewer's left in no doubt.
Go! KABOOM! CRASH I think when the world's angriest man sees that, he's going to be quite pleased.
Is he? I think so.
I know there are one or two rough edges in it, but overall, it has a gritty reality.
He's very keen on hero shots - you've seen Ray, you've seen Plan.
This is Ray Winstone out of The Departed, Ray Winstone out of Cold Mountain.
Out of bet364 adverts.
There he is, rocking about as the car lands, and I think I think we can pat ourselves on the back.
I don't know where he is now, but he's probably regretting his behaviour today.
It was just a personality clash.
Really? Oh Oh, not my car.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE This perfectly sane, rational, very professional man was driven to an act of petty vandalism by your incompetence? He ruined my car.
You ruined his film! Can I just say, actually, we got a call the other day, and this is absolutely true, from a Hollywood producer who asked if we could film a lorry chase through Moscow for the new Die Hard film.
Seriously.
But he'll change his mind when he sees that, won't he? A-ha! You say that, but we brought back the rushes, the raw material, from our shoot, and we gave that to the editors, OK? It's still work in progress, but who here would like to see what they've come up with? AUDIENCE: Yeah.
OK, let's run the tape, let's have a look.
TYRES SQUEAL HORNS BLARE HORN BLARES GUNSHOTS GUNFIRE APPLAUSE Yeah! Come on! Yeah! Actually, it's not bad.
It's not bad at all.
And on that bombshell, it is time to end.
Thank you very much for watching.
See you next week, goodnight!